No One Knows When to Celebrate the 4th of July This Year and it Sucks

Not this year Uncle Sam...those girls have work Thursday...Sucks, huh?

It's a joke, an absolute joke. You just flat out cannot have the biggest summer holiday of the year on a goddamn Wednesday. It doesn't work. No one knows what to do.

Celebrate the weekend before? And risk having a bunch of no-shows at your weirdo, super early BBQ because they're afraid of going too hard on the first lap of the race with all the other potential parties looming later in the week? No thanks.

Celebrate the weekend after? For sure not. Throwing your 4th of July BBQ on July 7th is just setting  yourself up for disaster, running the risk of throwing your party after everyone else already beat you to the punch. It'd be the Newmanium, Kramanium situation all over again.

Toss it on a frigen Wednesday? I guess it's the only feasible option, but it flat out sucks. So now I'm expected to go to a backyard pool party on a random Wednesday full on knowing that I'm going to be miserable/throwing up in the handicap stall at work the next day? Gee thanks.

Personally I blame the Founding Fathers for this mess. Pretty much the most important national holiday we got and we couldn't secure the coveted Monday/Friday time slot? What kinda bullshit is that.

We couldn't have pulled some kinda Easter like thing and said 4th of July is the first Sunday after the first full moon in July? Of just called it the first Friday of every July? I know the actual date is important but you're slapping that importance right in the face by making me choose to either drink responsibly or go hard and have a miserable day at work the next day....I mean what kind of world are we living in where someone like myself, a full blown American, had more fun celebrating Cinco De Mayo this year than I will the 4th of July. It makes zero sense. We're better than that. Either we start manipulating our calendars so the 4th of July falls on a Monday/Friday every single year and just say fuck the rest of the world, we're doing this...Or, we fall in line and follow the same Monday/Friday rules that Memorial and Veterans day follow so Americans everywhere never have to go through this nightmare again.

And if anyone can forward this to either Romney or Obama, I can guarantee them, they stump for this issue, its a guaranteed election. Guaranteed.

Red Sox Playing Indian Rubber Rules Against the Mariners

OUT!

In my league anyway. If I'm running MLB I'm instantly installing the Indian Rubber rule. The game's interesting quotient would automatically increase ten-fold.

Plus it'd be fun to monitor things like guys who defenses are most likely to try and get out by Indian rubber. Think about it, it's always going to be easier to just go to the base, except in the rare case that you're a 2b or 3b and someone happens to be crossing right in front of you, you've got to have a real axe to grind not to take the easy out but to try and inflict some pain in your opponent.

I'd say guys like Youk would probably lead the league in OBIR (out by Indian Rubbers), assholes that you love on your team and the rest of the league hates with the fire of a thousand suns. Those guys plus Arod. Arod might never make a traditional out again in his life if I'm the commissioner of baseball...in fact I'd make Indian Rubbers of Arod worth two outs, and they can carry over to the next inning. That's how much I'd love to see his ass get lit up.

Though I don't Condone Graffiti, This is Hilarious

It's just the word Grundle. It's one of the top 3 or so funny words on its own, in any setting. It's like kaka (caucau? I don't know how to spell it, the word for shit you say when you're like 8) in that regard.

Every time I see it I laugh. Though it's mainly because this one time in college we were playing drinking "never have I ever" and some girl just blatantly outed her friend at the table as a grundle licker. To the grundle munchers credit, she played by the rules and admitted the truth. Said she was in a year long relationship and didn't want the guy to get bored...Ok then. Anyway, the story still cracks me up to this day, and the word Grundle will always appeal to my immature nature.

Celtics Draft Blog Recap: Who Predicted Sullinger and Melo?

Who called that one? Oh yea, ME. Nailed it:

No big deal. Part time blogger, most of the time slacker Seany-Mo has got a lot to learn. Kid thinks because he watched Vanderbilt a few times this year he knows what's going on. Get out of the sandbox little boy and let the big kids play.

I assume I just sit back and let the ESPN insider offers roll in now? Like Chad Ford is out, and you'll be seeing CW Mock Draft 15.2 next year? Because Chad either has horrid sources or couldn't have been more wrong. All week I wondered why no one was talking about the Bobcats taking MKG, all week he talked about how they were taking Beal, Robinson or Trading. All week he talked about Houston not using any of their 3 picks and trading them all away...they took all three picks. He flat out couldn't have been more wrong. I couldn't have been more right. Get at me ESPN. I want the Rick Reilly package.

Per the New York Times: Porn in Cambodia is Not Recession Proof

There's really not much to say...

H/T: @Mazz33

The Blog has Been Out Sick This Week

And by that I mean a mere days after ridiculous all animal based flu's, swine, bird, equine, and gingivitis, I myself came down with the flu...in the middle of June. And I'm supposed to believe that's not a conspiracy? Please.

Anyway, the blog has badly suffered as a result. My night time ritual of drowning myself in nasal spray and NyQuil has rendered my morning blogging skills non-existent...its all I can do at this point to walk a straight line to the shower, never mind typing out coherent paragraphs. My usual MO when sick is to call out of work at the first sign of a sore throat to spend the day blogging and plowing through Zicam. I decided to suck it up this week and go to my real job that pays me real money, and let my fake job that pays me no money suffer instead. I was kinda getting a reputation for being soft and not working through common colds...a reputation I don't understand at all. How is it better to come in and sneeze, sniffle, and cough all over your co-workers again?

Anyway, I'm going to try and get shit back on track starting tomorrow morning, and maybe a blog or two after this while I'm on my lunch break. See ya'll then.

PS: Going forward I'll be the white guy on the subway with the dentists mask on...maybe the crazy asians are on to something.

The Alt-Tabs Official Celtics Draft Preview, For Real This Time

All right, lets do it. I've been meaning to get to this for a week after Seany-Mo's return, 2-part post (1 , 2, ) breaking down the Celtics two first round draft picks. As one of the 3 or 4 people who truly enjoys the NBA draft (apparently with Sean being one of the others, who knew?), it's one of my favorite sports nights of the year, I'd feel remiss if I didn't break down one of the more important drafts for the home town Celtics in a long time.

First lets look back at a few of the past Celts draft picks to get a sense of their history:

What do Marshon Brooks, Luke Harangody, Lester Hudson, J.R. Giddens, Semih Erden, Gabe Pruitt, and Randy Foye, all have in common? A few things actually. 1) They were all Celtics Draft picks from 2006 to 2011, 2) None of them are presently on the Celtics roster, and 3) They weren't on a Celtics roster for more than one season and in some cases none.

Now, to be fair, 2006 also brought the C's Rondo via a draft day trade, so there was some level of success. But beyond that? Nada. This isn't to fault the Celts front office though. Far from it. Basically since 2007 the Celtics haven't looked to use the draft to build. 2007 brought numerous draft day trades that brought together the Big 3 and kicked off 5 years of fantastic basketball. Subsequent draft picks were either really late in the first round, and in some years they didn't even have first rounders. There's not a ton of success anywhere in the league drafting late first-early 2nd rounders (unless of course you're the San Antonio Spurs). It just doesn't happen.

This year? It has to happen. Picking 21st and 22nd isn't ideal for a team looking, if not to rebuild, then to re-tool, on the fly. They need to make these pics count, either with value picks, or via trade. NO PROJECTS. The time for projects would have been the past few seasons when you could have afforded to develop a raw young talent over a few seasons. That time has passed. They realistically need to get a guy or two in this draft who will give real contributions, basically from year two on.

With that in mind, CW's thoughts: 

Wish List: I wish the Celts would package both picks together and move up. Portland and New Orleans and Houston all have two picks prior to the Celts first, Philadelphia and the T-Wolves both have gluts of young talent they'll need to focus on for the next few season and maybe looking to move back. These are the teams I'd contact first, looking to move up. That should be option A. Who would I target? Well I have three absolute man crushes in this draft, Anthony Davis, MKG, and Bradley Beal. All should be in the top 5, which the Celts have no shot in hell at.

Realistically, I'd  love for them to be looking at,

A) Austin Rivers - Yes Doc is his father. Yes Doc is notoriously hard on young guards (see Rondo, Rajon). But you know what? Wing players who can shoot in space and can create their own shot, basically at will, don't come along that often, and rarely are they talked about as dropping outside the top 10, which is where Rivers is consistently projected. Blame it on an overly deep draft, on some maturity questions, whatever, Austin is legit and every team outside the top 4 or so that pass on him will live to regret it. If the Celts can reasonably swing a deal into the 10-12 pick range knowing they'll get Rivers, they need to do it.

B) John Henson - A middle class mans Anthony Davis. Someone who looks like he'll be just as much of a defensive force, with maybe a bit less of an offensive game (and less room to develop). For analogies sake if Anthony Davis is Tim Duncan, John Henson is going to be Marcus Camby. (I realize both of these comparisons are lofty, Duncan is one of the best ever, Camby has quietly had a really successful 15-16 year career, but its just an analogy). Recent projections show Henson sliding somewhere in the 10-15 range, if that happens, he's a solid second in my book to Rivers as far as trade targets.

If Trading is out of the Question:

If trading is out of the question, I'll stress again, they need to draft guys who they think can reasonably develop in the next 2 seasons into contributors, again, NO PROJECTS.

My ideal outcome: Two of Jared Sullinger and Fab Melo, Draymond Green

Sullinger is in FREE FALL. Teams are concerned about his back, and the potential for it to shorten his career...but once you get past the 14th or so pick, what's the worry? The average career for an NBA player is what, 4 years or so? Less? Are we talking about even shorter for Sullinger? I doubt it. If you're picking outside the lottery why not roll the dice and a guy who's inside game is as good as anyone's in this draft? If he starts being a real option around picks 18,19, I really hope Ainge works the phones to find out if he's going to make it to 21, if not I'd pull the trigger on a minor deal maybe the 22nd and next years first rounder for a shot at Sullinger.

Fab Melo can be a force inside in this league. I say "can be," because he can also be a disaster who spends his career in the D-League. But you know what? If KG is back, this is exactly the kind of guy Garnett can pass on his work ethic, intensity, and techniques too. Seany-Mo is all concerned about his rebound rates in college...Syracuse plays the zone, bro. They don't rebound well by design. It's often one on two or two on three under the hoop in favor of the offensive team due to the Cuse's defensive scheme. That won't be the case in the NBA. He's a big, athletic 7 footer with serious size, he'll rebound, he'll block shots, and with any luck, he'll develop a post game. I want him on this team, I need him on this team.

Draymond Green - Does everything. Won't be a star, will have a decent career. A point forward type player, not the most athletically gifted or biggest guy, but a guy who's proven he knows how to play. He's smart, plays within himself, and causes matchup problems. His defense would be the big questions mark, but then again these Celts got Ray Allen to be a reasonable defender, so I'd think they could teach a smart player like Draymond the basics of good footwork. 

The "I don't like it, but I can live with it," outcome:  Two of Royce White, Jeff Taylor, Arnett Moultrie:

Royce White - By all accounts he's a top 10 talent. Also by all accounts he's a serious head case, with fairly severe anxiety issues. Never spent more than one year a high school or college. But again, by all accounts as talented as just about anyone in the top 10. I didn't see much of him, I do know he dominated Uconn in the tournament, for whatever that's worth.

Jeff Taylor - A little redundant with Avery Bradley on the roster, but then again he gives a little bit more size than Bradley and lock down defenders fit the Celtics profile perfectly. If you can hold your own on defense, you'll get a shot early in the NBA, and that's how Jeff Taylor is going to make his mark. By all acounts he's a good shooter from space, but can't create his own shot...so think of him as a defensive Ray Allen...obviously not as good of a shooter as Ray, but a better defender on the otherside.

Arnett Moultrie - I don't know how to peg this guy, he's been projected all over the place. I've never seen him play either. But I do know the Celts need help up front, and a 6-11 athletic big man fits the need. Maybe he'll be a Tony Battie, who knows.

The "Goddamnit, We're Headed for Years of 7th and 8th seeds," Outcome: Royce White and Andrew Nicholson.

Royce White: Again? Yes. Because I broke my rule about projects earlier. He's  a project. He has issues. He's also extremely talented. That's why I broke my own rule. But I did so in hoping that we'd pair him with a ready to go player like Jeff Taylor. We can't afford to whiff twice, which is exactly what we'd be doing if we selected Royce with...

Andrew Nicholson: Project. That's what his scouting reports scream. Rise with workouts is always a huge red flag for me. I don't need a workout warrior, I need a gamer. Who cares if he's good at the Mikan drill and shuttle runs? Why wasn't he good enough in games to be ranked this highly. Andrew Nicholson, you might be a nice guy, you might run the three man weave better than any big man in the draft, but I don't want you on the Celtics, I just don't.

There you have it, CW's exhaustive, delayed, and long winded break down of the Celtics Thursday night draft. 

Alex Trebek Hospitalized

TMZ - Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek suffered a mild heart attack Saturday and was rushed to Cedars-Sinai hospital in L.A. where he is still recovering. A spokeswoman for Alex says the 71-year-old is expected to make a full recovery ... she says he should be ready to resume his "Jeopardy!" hosting duties when they start filming the new season next month. Trebek has been the host of the popular trivia game show for 28 years.


"Coronary Afflictions for $400:"

Answer: This...afflictions symptoms often include discomfort and pain in your chest, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, and sweating.

"What is a heart attack."


Serious talk for a moment folks...we always hear about various shows or companies needing to find successors to ensure continued success once the key figure head is gone, like when Regis retired, Steve Jobs died, Bill Gates stepped down, or the constant talk about who's going to replace Warren Buffet (no one, no one is going to replace Warren). No one ever mentions Alex.

The Canadian Silver Fox is 71, people. That's old. Sure he's still got facts for days, and it sounds like he's going to make a full recovery, but how long after do you think he can keep this up? We can't have another Price is Right on our hands, Day Time Game shows just can't handle another blow like that.  Bob Barker retired, everyone scrambled and we got stuck with Drew Carey...and HE SUCKS. He's terrible. No one likes him, old ladies don't want to kiss him but still do begrudgingly, and I don't really think he cares at all about having your dogs and cats spayed and neutured...it's just lip service.

We can't have that happen for Jeopardy. We need to be actively training a replacement now. Maybe start with the Friday editions that no one watches anyway and have some guest judges host. Maybe bring back Ken Jennings, I think he'd be fantastic. These are all just ideas, just throwing them out there.  The point is, we need a brain trust on this, and we needed it yesterday. Alex could have very well died the other day, and then what? No more jeopardy? I'm stuck with 30 mins of Pat Sajak and that's it? Another Big Bang Theory re-run. Hell no, I won't stand for it.

Wii Curling News Reporters, Oblivious or in on It?

"Here it comes, Here it Comes!"

I don't know how old this is, if everyone but me saw it, but I can't stop laughing at this guy. I think the girl might have been clueless, just uninhibited shadow-jacking, but I got the feeling the guy knew how perverse this would look and went along with it anyway, and that cracks me up to no end.

So Long and Good Luck Youk

One last time everyone, those aren't Boos you're hearing, that's "YOOUUKKKK."

So long Youk. You were an asshole, but you were our asshole. A part of two World Series, and impact player for one. When healthy no one got more out of their limited athletic ability. An all out hustler and an OBP force, who some how lived up to the outlandish expectations set forth as a minor leaguer by that asshole Billy Beane and his Moneyball book. He'll definitely be missed but it was also just the right time.

And what a great send off.  Great awareness by the Fenway crowd realizing what they were seeing. Gave me the chills, actually.

Skeptical Third World Child Kicking off Your Weekend

I have a pretty staunch record of hating everything meme, but this little playa may be breaking me down. Cracks me up every time.

Enjoy the weekend folks, I'll be back with my Celtics Draft Preview and a long awaited Red Sox Fans Pulse check next week.

Adios.

Is the Bird Flu Finally Legit?

Fox News - A new study raises concerns that it may be possible for airborne transmissible, human-to-human avian H5N1 flu viruses to evolve in nature...The papers revealed with only five mutations (amino acid substitutions), or four mutations plus reassortment, bird flu can become transmissible between mammals – and potentially humans. Currently, bird flu can be transmitted from birds to humans, but not from humans to humans.

Look, can you guys just tell me if I need to be wearing those surgical mask things like all the weirdo Asians I see on the subway or not? That's all I really need to know. If the old lady with the push cart full of pea pods and live poultry is capable of giving me the bird flu, just let me know. I'll run down to my dentist and stock up on masks. If not, can we just ease up on this stuff?

We've been hearing about potential pandemics from Bird Flu, Swine Flu, EEE, West Nile Virus, Gingivitis, etc... for years. Just widespread paranoia amongst germ-aphobes, new parents, and old people. All the while I'm sitting here wondering whether it's worth the big fuss or if I'm going to die because a pigeon shat on my window. Just help me out and let me know when this shit gets serious.

You know what I am deathly afraid of right now? Flesh eating bacteria, that's what. Before like, March, I'd heard of flesh eating bacteria maybe once or twice, and I'm pretty sure one of those times was on a very special episode of House. Now? Every week someone new is being eaten away by microscopic bacteria. It's freaking me the fuck out.

I bumped into the corner of my bead the other day and opened an old scar on my knee...I've been dousing that thing in hydrogen peroxide every three hours for a week now just thinking that I'm going to wake up the next day having to have my leg amputated.

Can we get some of these medical scientists on that problem for now? Worry about all these other things at a later date? Please?

Fun Little Mind Teaser if You're Bored at Work Today

DO NOT READ BELOW BEFORE WATCHING THE VIDEO. SERIOUSLY IT RUINS THE TEST.












Complete mind fuck. I honestly thought they were lying. I was legitimately pissed off that I had counted one more pass than they said was correct, figured the fix was in, then they throw in that curve ball from left field. Blew my mind. Thought someone was trying pull one over on me, went back, still almost missed it.

 Have fun with that this afternoon.

I'm 90% Positive My New Neighbor is the Real Buffalo Bill

I can't be sure if he's got some kinda in-ground/in-house well where he's keeping plus sized women's skin soft and healthy or anything, I can't know that. But I do know that whenever I hear him belt out an afternoon tune, I (rather disturbingly) picture some odd Buffalo Bill, Silence of the Lambs type shit going on. He's just that weird of a dude, doesn't help that my imagination runs wild when I'm woken up to the sound of his laundry machines running at FIVE AM! I just assume anything that needs washing at that hour of the morning was involved in some kind of heinous crime. 

Not a bad singer though, actually, just creepy as all shit with a ridiculously eclectic taste in music. One day it'll be Gary Jules' Mad World, the next Seal's Kissed by a Rose, today? Dexys Midnight Runners:




That's just a classic jam...Do you Buffalo Bill, Do You.

The San Diego Padres Announcers Fancy Themselves a Lady Who Can Flash the Leather

HUBBA HUBBA!

I've burst out laughing at that line at least 20 times. I find it strange that the MLB, notorious for not embracing video sharing, would let this video make the rounds. I mean, Dick Enberg here might as well have gone on air and told everyone he was going to be google imaging Lisa one handed after the game. No shame at all right there.

Here's the link to the video for when MLB inevitbaly un-embeds the video. 

You Think You're Having A Bad Day?

I can't believe no one wants to buy papers from this cuddly looking old man. Makes no sense. 


PS: The Maestro and I either saw this guy or the actual Sandusky right after all these allegations came out just strolling in the North End rocking a PSU sweatshirt proudly...Maestro thinks it was probably this guy...I'm 100% sure it was Sandusky enjoying one last good meal...

It's Happening...

Fucking Myans, It's All Coming True

God damnit, God damnit, God damnit. A couple weeks ago I wrote about how after watching the Celts give it their all against the Heat, battling all season long, to come up just short, oddly didn't turn me into a hermit,  hiding in my shell to avoid all sports information...I wondered why that didn't happen despite the fact that it's happened every other time in history one of my teams loses...Well it was a bit of a delayed reaction because it's here now.

I want nothing to do with Sportscenter, I want to put a contract out on Stephen A Smith using that donation site the old bitch who got picked on the bus is getting filthy rich off of to raise the funds, and I hope Miami succumbs to an epic tidal wave and we all just forget about this moment in history.

It's the worst sporting day since the Pats lost the super bowl. The worst.

PS: Bosh 100% cries himself to sleep at night every time he sees Lebron and Wade riding that two seater golf cart together.

Double PS: The Douchiest team in memory would use the Douchiest musical act in memory:

Brutal Beating on California's I-5

How about the nerve on this guy filming the whole thing? What a dick. Don't worry about calling the cops or anything, don't worry about maybe jumping out of your car, just film it and yell "DAMMNNNNN, GET UP...You Can't Get Up?" The guy out there helping came in from a few cars back while you're just chilling listening to emo-Drake.

 Fuck no he can't get up, you just watched him get booted in the head like 6 times dude. The guy is fucking out cold. Thanks for the help.

 PS: Traffic in Boston apparently has shit on traffic in LA. Say whatever you want about how bad the SE Expressway or 95 is during rush hour, I've never encountered a situation where there's been enough time to host a Mortal Combat match in the breakdown lane. That's just some other level stuff.

What's the Big Deal with These Addidas Shackle Shoes?

Enough already, folks. It's just a shoe. It's not slavery, it's not chain gangs, it's not Amistad. Last I checked Kunta Kinte wasn't rocking fresh to death kicks he just dropped a Bill on at Foot Locker. Same for the chain gangs, pretty sure standard issue prison shoes don't come with the latest in Adi-light technology. Everyone chill. You don't want them, don't buy them.

Not to mention that the designer explained where he came up with the idea and it couldn't be further from what all these reactionary fascists out there immediately jumped to:

That's right, My Pet Monster. See it now? The purple, the yellow? Feel foolish now, people?

PS: I forgot how awesome My Pet Monster was...calling my parents today, if they sold mine in some yard sale or gave it to Goodwill I might never forgive them. I had many a Wrestlemania bouts with that fella.

Best of Craigslist: Waiter or Waitress in the Westminster Area? Dream Job!

Original Posting Here

For those of you who are link averse and can't read microscopic print:

So it is time again for my wife and I to have our annual July 4th party. We are looking for one waiter and three waitresses for the party. But please read the rest of the story as Paul harvey would have said. This is Swingers party and we do 6 of them a year. The waiters and waitress must work in the nude basicly. you will be wearing an apron and flip flops. This again is a swingers party and the guests are all Bi sexual so you must also be comfortable with this type of life style. You are not expected to interact with the guests but you are here for eye candy so you need to be comfortable with the situation very out going in your personality so you can get them drinks and food and wait on them. Needless to say the guest will also be naked. If this sound good ot you hit me back iwth a photo of you and tellme somethign about you.

• Location: westminster
• Compensation: $25.00 per hour with a 5 hour minimum plus tips
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

By far my favorite part of the whole ad is: "Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster."

Yea, I don't think you have to worry about recruiters contacting you about catering for your orgy. Last time I checked Robert Half's website didn't have much in the way of nude catering jobs, sadly.

If you do go for this job, do you get to pick your own apron, or is this a mandatory uniform type thing?...If the waiter/waitress has carte blanche you'd be a fool not go with this little number:

El Wingador, Buffalo Wing Eating Champ, Busted with Huge Amount of Cocaine

WOODBURY HEIGHTS, N.J. -- A five-time wing-eating champion known as "El Wingador" is under arrest in New Jersey on a charge of cocaine distribution. State police say they recovered about $8,000 worth of cocaine and $4,000 cash when they stopped 50-year-old William Simmons on Friday in southern New Jersey. He was driving a Kia Soul decorated with the name El Wingador.

 First things first, that is the face of a Buffalo Wing Eating Champ/Suspected Cocaine Distributor if I've ever seen one. 


Secondly, any good lawyer will get that bogus distribution charge thrown out almost immediately. El Wingador is a competitive eater, folks. To get to that level requires heart, dedication, and an almost primal urge for large amounts of consumption. It's like what Nate Newton, the great Dallas Cowboy  O-lineman, said after getting busted twice within a couple of months with a combined total of 388 pounds of pot:

"I've always been competitive, I've always been in sports," said Newton, a six-time Pro Bowl offensive lineman who retired after the 2000 season. "I couldn't see myself not being the biggest dope man."

There you have it. We can't just revere this man for having the will to eat more Buffalo wings in a sitting than an average Americans yearly intake on one hand, and shame him when we find out he snorts massive amounts of narcotics on the other. The two go hand in hand. If the man is going to do coke, he's doing to do coke big. It's just wired in his DNA. Once he starts consuming something he doesn't stop until he has imposed his dominance on all those around him, and apparently, $8k worth of blow is where he set that mark. Don't believe for a second he was going to sell a single line of that stuff.

Beware Cape Cod: The Sharks Are Back for Summer 2012!

Welp, it's officially summer folks. Yes the calendar told you that yesterday, and yes the absurd heat may have tipped you off, but for my money, there's no bigger sign that summers here than when the local news outlets go full OMG! mode about the Great Whites off the coast of Chatham.

I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed we're not getting a let it rip out of VB on this one or something a little more animated, maybe Lily doing one of her quirky news stories like pretending to be a shark in a children's pools, I don't know, just something. It's almost as if the Great White story finally jumped the shark this year (I'm sorry, I had to do it, honestly I was contractually obligated to making that horrendous joke).

Look at this Donkey Focusing on the Wave instead of the Foul Ball Aimed at his Head

Bravo, BRAV-Fucking-VO.

Complete donkey indeed. Anyone who knows me knows I'm as anti wave as they come. So much so that I actively, and vocally will stand up discourage my entire section and the surrounding sections from taking part. In my lifetime I like to think that I've snuffed out at least two dozen would be waves. Just ended them right where they started. I fucking hate them, I hate them when the Sox are winning, and I especially hate them when the Sox are losing. If you're teams behind maybe its  not the time for the lamest celebration in all of sports.

So this guy who made a point of capturing this video and outing this Donkey is an absolute hero of mine. He can play for me any day.


PS: All of the above goes right out the window when we're talking about reverse waves. Counter clock wise people, I just want to see it once. That would be quite the spectacle, and frankly, I'm not so sure that wouldn't throw the earth off its axis right on the spot. It's unprecedented.

Mike Tyson's Reasoning for Going Vegan

Just when I was starting to think Tyson had lost his right hook: "You're Vegan!? What Changed You?" Mike: "Too many prison cells, too many jails, too many lawsuits, too many bankruptcies, too many women, too many venereal diseases." I assume that's the same reason most people choose to go vegan, no?

Stripper At Golden Banana Charged With Vehicular Homicide, Backed By Wiccan Community

About what I figured a Witch/Stripper Would look Like

Boston Herald - A strip club worker who was backed in court by a coven of Salem witches told police she had been drinking but was fighting off a Danvers teen’s unwelcome sexual advances when she drove into a parked tow truck early Saturday morning, impaling him on a flatbed, prosecutors said...Griffin, a mother of 3-year-old twins whose employer is listed in police reports as DB’s Golden Banana on Route 1 in Peabody, was ordered held on $10,000 cash bail by Judge Michael Lauranzo after pleading not guilty to motor vehicle homicide and drunken driving...Griffin’s attorney, Scott Dullea, pointed out to the judge a large turnout in court of Griffin’s “friends in the Wiccan community” and said she once worked in Salem’s witchcraft shops. He would not say whether she considers herself a witch.

I'm no lawyer...but I don't think pointing out your client's activities in the occult community holds the same favor as saying your client is active in the community. For some reason I just don't believe the judge is going to look as highly upon seances and witch orgy's as he would volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club or picking up trash in the park. 

And what kind of friends are these? Your sister witch is in trouble so you round up the coven, suit up, and head to the court house? The fuck? Bitch is trying to get a fair trial. You really think showing up dressed like a bunch of 6 year olds on Halloween is the right approach to make her seem like a fine upstanding citizen? And in Salem of all places? They've stoned and hung your people for less.

The Road Ahead: The Celtics Road to Recovery Part 2

CW's Wish, Seany Mo's Nightmare? I smell a retort coming.

ED Note: This is Part 2 of Seany-Mo's Celtics Draft Preview. For Part 1, Click Here. For valid basketball opinions, read this, then check back later this week when CW posts an educated look in at what the Celtics draft strategy should be.

Here’s who I’d like in green next year at both picks ranked from “unless every other GM is whacked out on black tar heroin, it won’t happen even though I’d love it” to “Danny, If you have any affection for us at all as fans, STAY AWAY!”

At 22…

PIPE DREAM

Perry Jones III, PF, Baylor- General sentiment seems to be that Jones, despite going back to school forhis sophomore season, didn’t really develop on the court as much as expected. His potential is offthe charts (6’10 power forward with fluid athleticism and a full repertoire of tools.) At times when I watched Baylor this year, Jones looks like he can do it all, from stroking threes to playing with his backto the basket to bringing the ball up in transition. At others, he looked completely lost, turning the ball over on an ill advised pass or getting charging calls when failing to read a help defender switching ontohim. At this point, picking Jones would be gambling on his massive untapped potential and at the 21 stpick, should he slip this low, it would be a fantastic steal.

HEY IT COULD HAPPEN…RIGHT?

Terrence Ross, SF, Washington- Ross is a rapidly improving jump shooter with fantastic ability operating off the ball and tremendous speed for a wing player. Although not even close to a Ray Allen caliber of shooting, Ross would function similarly in the Celtics offense by playing off the ball and letting Rondo find him on the perimeter or busting his ass down the court in transition in the hopes of getting an easy dunk. He struggles with ball handling and creating his own shot, which at this point only an aging Paul Pierce can do, but Ross at least would give us the ability to stretch the floor and create lanes for Rondo to operate with.

BLEND OF LIKELY AND SENSIBLE

Jeffery Taylor, SF, Vanderbilt- Taylor is a player I have actually seen the most of on this list the past two seasons, as my Uncle Ricky has actually met him a number of times and has a signed basketball from him. As Barney Stinson would say, “True Story.” In any case, I watched a number of Vanderbilt games so my observations here are based more on live games than selected scouting footage and compilations of various reports. Taylor has Tony Allen-esque defensive ability though he possess a much higher degree of basketball IQ than Tony (which isn’t saying much, since most fourth graders could make the same claim.) His lateral quickness was incredible, as I saw him stay right in front of the likes of Marquis Teague and Terrence Jones on numerous occaisons. Also encouraging is the development of a perimeter shot, which allowed him to boast a 54% field goal percentage this season (a career high.) He can become very passive at times, but if he is asked to come off the bench and provide defensive energy for the Celts, he should be able to make an immediate impact.

THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE

Fab Melo, C, Syracuse- Look, I know the Celtics have been struggling to find a big man since the Kendrick Perkins abomination, but I want absolutely nothing to do with Melo. Words wouldn’t fully convey my rage if the Celtics use one of their picks on this guy. He has great length that, as the old age goes, can’t be taught. But in my opinion, he doesn’t use it well at all. For such a tall player, he sucks at rebounding (Syracuse as a team was one of the worst in the country last season) as well as being extremely foul prone, committing about 3 per contest despite only playing 25 minutes per game. Sorry, but we just suffered through a foul prone, terrible rebounding center in Jermaine O’Neal. Not to mention this guy didn’t have the motivation to even show up to class and was deemed academically ineligible for the tournament. That doesn’t strike me as overly encouraging. Avoid this guy like the plague or I will break my TV on draft night. Don’t make me do that Danny, It’s a nice TV.

San Diego 7th Graders Suspended for Gayest Gay Test of All Time

HuffPo - Nine seventh grade students at a San Diego-based middle school were suspended last month after watching pornographic videos as part of a so-called "gay test," according to reports...According to U-T San Diego News, students in all-boys English class at Bell Middle School in Paradise Hills allegedly wore gym shorts as they watched videos on their cell phones. Whoever became sexually aroused while watching the videos was labeled gay, and several adolescents masturbated openly during the class.

Jesus H, kids aren't fucking around these days huh? Just whipping out their porn loaded cell phones and jacking it where they please? Damn. The gay test when I was a middle schooler was being able to name enough hot chics when you were shooting the shit with your friends. Cindy Crawford, Tyra Banks before she became all self-righteous, Kelly Kapowski, all the camp counselors from Hey Dude, etc...Basically the first one to run out of hot chics to talk about was gay for the day.

And I'm not even sure I understand what the hell these kids were trying to accomplish here. So you and a bunch of your bro's watch a porn on little Timmy's iphone, and if you're aroused, you've got the ghey? Is that right? Is it gay porn they're watching? What about the kids who whipped out more than their cell phones and started punching their dicks? Are they gay or is that cool? I really think we're either missing details to this little test or these kids got the rules all wrong.  Poor Jizz up there from Outside Providence (criminally underrated movie, FYI) was way ahead of his time apparently.

The Road Ahead: The Celtics Road to Recovery Part 1

The fact that Doc's quest for perfection from his guards probably means he'd kill his own son in the lockerroom doesn't deter me at all from salivating over this picture.

ED NOTE: This is part one of Seany-Mo's two part Celtics draft preview (part two later today). These opinions in no way represent CW's vast basketball knowledge. I'll have a retort to these cockamamie breakdowns later this week. 


Despite having our hearts ripped from our chests in yet another Game 7 meltdown, this past season just served to reinforce how much I love the Celtics. They could have packed it in about 50 times during the year for a number of valid reasons, but they kept on battling to the very last second. Kevin Garnett somehow found the Fountain of Youth and was putting up 20+ and 10+ with regularity while playing almost 40 minutes a night during the post season. Most encouraging, the team had started to come together at the right time despite a number of key players going down at some point this season with injury, which would make you think chemistry on the court would suffer (I don’t consider Jermaine O’ Neal one of these people. He is a malignant degenerative disease feasting upon the Celtics cap space.) I focus on the road to recovery because as gutsy and resilient as the Celtics stretch run was this past season, this team needs to focus on rebuilding for the future sooner rather than later. With the free agent pool drying up due to in season extensions (Kevin Love) and Dwight Howard keeping everyone hostage at the trade deadline, it seems apparent to me that the most immediate way to make this team better is to nail the draft this coming June. Usually being in this draft position (21, 22) it would be difficult to find an impact NBA player, but due to the lockout, this draft is extremely loaded and full of talent that can help this squad immediately. Additionally, these prospects are selected on what I perceive as a NEED for the Celtics, as well as how well they complement Rajon Rondo, as he is the cornerstone we should be building around. Here’s who I’d like in green next year at both picks ranked from “unless every other GM is whacked out on black tar heroin, it won’t happen even though I’d love it” to “Danny, If you have any affection for us at all as fans, STAY AWAY!”


At # 21…

PIPE DREAM

Austin Rivers, SG, Duke- Yes, this is partly because I think the dynamic of having Austin Rivers being coached by his dad would be really friggin’ cool. But on a more practical level, the Celtics, pure and simple, need people who can put the ball in the basket without being completely dependent on someone else. Rivers is a TREMENDOUS athlete at age 19 and has a nose for the basket. The dual threat of slashing to the bucket and having the ability to knock down threes makes me salivate at the prospect of seeing Rivers and Rondo run the break for years to come. Sadly, I believe Austin will be gone long before the Celtics pick comes along. Additionally, the emergence of Avery Bradley would make the acquisition of Rivers somewhat redundant. Still, it’s fun to think about.

HEY, IT COULD HAPPEN…RIGHT?


John Henson, PF/C, UNC- Yes, I understand he looks like Jujuan Johnson 2.0 with his impressive length yet wiry build, but let it be known Henson is a much more complete defensive player than Johnson at this point. Not to mention he comes from an absolute NBA player mill in North Carolina, where he has greatly benefitted under Roy Williams tutelage. Look no further than the progress he made in just one year from his freshman to sophomore season; More than doubled his points per game average and rebounds per game, as well as raising a good 1.6 blocks per game to a sterling 3.2 blocks per game. He may not possess the best offensive game quite yet, as he strictly relies on a left handed hook shot and his mid range shooting is still a major work in progress, but his nose for the ball both on the glass and in altering opponents shots makes him a tantalizing prospect for addressing the Celtics length, rebounding, and shot blocking issues. I’d look for Henson to initially step in as an interior defender who could contribute offensively by cutting off of back screens and looking for alley oops from Rondo while continuing to round out the rest of his game. Sadly, even with his less than impressive combine workout (in the bottom 5 in bench bress reps and vertical leap,) he will still likely be snatched up before we can picture him swatting shots into the first row at TD Garden.


BLEND OF LIKELY AND SENSIBLE


Arnett Moultrie PF/C, Mississippi State- A big man who excels at creating his offense off of cuts and back screens would be a perfect complement to Rajon Rondo on the fast break or even in the half court, which is exactly what Moultrie brings to the table. Not to mention the guy rebounds like an absolute boss on both the offensive, (5.3 offensive rebounds per game, pace adjusted for 40 minutes) and defensive glass (8.2 defensive rebounds per game, pace adjusted for 40 minutes.) which is impressive given some of the big men he was competing against in the SEC, like Anthony Davis, Festus Azeli, and Bradley Beal. While the lack of shot blocking ability is concerning for a guy who is listed as 6’11, consensus seems to be this is more so due more to lack of effort rather than talent. The defense malaise is a questions mark, but with given his rebound prowess, the Celtics should jump at this guy should he be available.


THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE


-Royce White, F, Iowa State- Given Danny’s propensity to select extremely athletic players that have significant questions marks (Gerald Green and J.R Giddens come to mind) this is a high risk/high reward pick that makes me extremely nervous. Don’t get me wrong, White has proven that he can score with the best of them, putting up impressive numbers against both Kansas and Baylor when they played this year (I believe he had an 18 point 10 rebound game when matched up with Thomas Robinson, but I could be making that up and am too lazy to check/my boss is prowling the hallways.) Despite this, the guy has been labeled as having significant character issues in addition to having a phobia of flying/ anxiety disorder. Given the amount of travel involved in an NBA season and the intensity of Rajon Rondo, I just don’t see White fitting in well with the Celtics. Kevin Garnett’s fiery passion alone may cause White to check himself into an asylum day one of training camp. Not to mention he’s a “tweener” forward who can’t naturally play either small or power forward, which we already have in Jeff Green, as well as a criminal accused of theft in the past. Pass on this guy.

Maria Menounous Still Getting Frisky With Dance Partners, This time it's Mel Gibson

TMZ - Mel Gibson blew off some serious steam Saturday night, partying until 4 AM at Maria Menounos' home. Maria threw a bash for her 34th birthday. A wardrobe friend of Maria's brought Mel along and he quickly made himself at home in her Encino pad, grinding away without a care in the world.

You think Maria's husband is just sitting off in a corner somewhere trying to get her attention, yelling over the music "Hey Maria, DWTS is over, you're no longer contractually obligated to bang everyone you dance with."

Poor dude. Got cuckolded on national tv, and now he's getting cuckolded in his own home by perhaps the most vile man in Hollywood. Does anyone else picture him exactly like this:

Is This The Face of a Mass Man Arrested for Assault with Stolen Sausage Links?

BROCKTON — A Holbrook man was charged after police said he attacked and robbed a Brockton man using stolen sausage links and a wrench at West Street and Forest Avenue Sunday morning. The victim told police he was riding his bike about 8 a.m. Sunday when Michael A. Baker, whom he does not know, came up to him “and started swinging sausage links at him,” Lt. David Dickinson said Sunday. “He said he was trying to hit him with that. The victim had no idea why,” Dickinson said. Baker then threw stolen meat, bread and cheese he was carrying into a nearby barrel “and began smashing the victim with a wrench,” Dickinson said.

That's just piss poor criminaling by Michael Baker, piss poor. You go through all the trouble of robbing a sausage stand for some delicious sausages and cheese, and then, instead of gorging on your profits, you waste them in some sissy assault attempt, end up throwing them in the garbage (thereby rendering your previous robbery useless) and attack the man with a wrench that you had on you all along?

What the hell dude, how do you not go wrench from the start? Sausage links don't hurt, this aint Road Rash, those aint chain links...tighten your game up.

Also, general rule of thumb, robbing the guy riding the bike is generally pretty fruitless. He's riding a bike...if he had anything worth steal he'd probably own a car. 

Cleveland Outsourcing City Lawn Mowing to Goats?

CLEVELAND - The City of Cleveland is now testing goats as a more efficient and environmentally-friendly way to maintain a growing number of inner city vacant lots. The pilot program is called "Mow Goats," and it's being tested by the Stockyard-Clark-Fulton Development Office...Meister said nearly all northeast Ohio cities are being forced to take care of a growing number of vacant lots because of the housing crisis aftermath. The cost to mow such lots is going up dramatically. Meister claims it costs Cleveland an average of $300 just to mow and maintain the average vacant inner city lot.

So Cleveland now has enough abandoned overgrown lots that they literally can't afford to maintain them and are now importing goats to handle the grass cutting duties...Well congratulations Detroit! As of this morning you're no longer the most "3rd World-Like" city in America. Go nuts Detroiters!

Clevelanders...just another low point in a series of low points...probably blame this one on Lebron too.

Cue the extremely low budget Cleveland Board of Tourism Video:

I Knew I Recognized Justin Bieber from Somewhere Else!

All this time I've thought there was something just a little bit off, a little different about this "Justin Bieber," could help but get the feeling that I'd seen him elsewhere before...Well this picture just jogged my memory...No Belly Button for the Biebs? I've seen that before:

BIEBER IS KYLE XY, KYLE XY IS BIEBER...it all makes sense. Biebs isn't from some foreign land called Canada..that's just a  back story to throw us off the scent. Dude is a full fledged alien and we've finally got proof.


PS: There were three seasons of Kyle XY? People will watch anything.

Parent Promising New Macbook Pro to Gay Son To Act "Not Gay" Is A Goldmine

For those of you who can't read microscopic print:

"I don't want to get a ton of messages from you guys saying that I am spoiling my son and turning him into an entitled monster. There is a back story that you aren't aware of.  My son was committing homosexual acts and got caught in the act. We made a deal that if he chose to be straight, we would buy him more nice things. So don't message me saying that I am a bad parent for spoiling him. It's quite the opposite, I am a good parent and I'm working with him to correct his problem."

All right, so this came out yesterday and was found out to be a joke/hoax, some had a good chuckle, some were presumably offended, some probably assumed Rick Santorum was the one posting this...but I didn't see anyone point out that if you're a brat 10-18 year old kid, this is an absolute GOLD MINE.

I do guess it depends on how gullible and backwards thinking your parents are, first off they have to believe that homosexualness (definitely not a word) is a choice, secondly, you have to convince them that either:

A) you're experimenting with gayball stuff, but can transition back to straight if they spoil you, or...

B) You really are gay but have a sit down with your parents to convince them that for the price of a new smartphone and all the Xbox games you want, you think you can get into girls.

Plus, I think there's a pretty easy way to convince them of your new found lifestyle, without crossing any icky thresholds one way or the other.  If you're straight, maybe you bookmark a few gay porn sites on the family PC, if you're gay, you do the opposite, start slapping up some girl on girl links in your bookmarks.

You get new stuff, your family can run to the local Pastor and tell them about your miracle results, and Apples stock goes up as its found to be a miracle homosexual healer. Win, Win, Win.

Drake and Chris Brown Sissy Fight Leaves Me With One Question: Is Rihanna That Good?

The Sun - The two musicians have had a long-running feud over Drake’s dalliance with Chris’s ex Rihanna. But when they met at WIP club last night, Chris is thought to have sent a bottle of champagne to Drake's table as a peace offering. Unconfirmed reports say the bottle was returned with a note referring to Rihanna which read: “I'm f****** the love of your life, deal with it."

Honest to God question, is Rihanna the modern day Helen of Troy? Instead having a face to launch an army of 1,000 ships, she has the nookie to launch a gang of bottle wielding thugs fighting over her "cake." Shit has to be wild, only way to explain this, because there's no way she's worth all the drama that comes with her otherwise.

That's a BIG TIME power move by Drake, by the way, didn't think he had it in him. Not just because he's always whining and depressed like a bitch in EVERY song, but also because he's from Canada. Canadians are supposed to be neighborly, no? Certainly not supposed to be cuckolding American thugs, but there Drake is, breaking down barriers. Good for him. He's like the Jackie Robinson of Canadian Gangster Thugs.

I See You Subway, $5 Footlong My Ass

Not good Subway, not good. First you sully Michael Phelps' good name, having him hawk green paste under the name of guacamole, now you're ripping off the common man with your alleged "footlong" subs.

Make it right guys. $5 per foot comes out to $.42 per inch...Get this man a refund.

Romanian Criminals Play Fast and the Furious in Real Life

Autoblog - In the grainy video you'll see a group of Romanians in an SUV approach a cargo truck from behind under cover of night. Two of the men climb out of the sunroof, with one of them sliding down on the hood and the other hanging back to make sure the first doesn't fall. The man on the hood then manages to open the truck's cargo doors, get a good look inside and, apparently discovering the contents aren't worth the trouble, closes the doors and climbs back in the SUV.

Dammmmnn. Romanians do not give a fuck, huh? The balls on this guy slithering out his sunroof, on the highway, in the dark, friend holding his life in the balance by his ankles, and then he decides, "meh, nothing worth stealing here." Shit is gangsta as it gets. Serious Fast and the Furious stuff.

My only real question is, what would they have done had they decided there was something worth stealing in there? You attempt throwing it back to your buddy standing out the sunroof? No way that shit works. You can't play a game of hot potato between vehicles with an HDTV while rolling down the highway without horrible results. Is there a hatch in the truck that leads to the driver so he can stick him up? I'd actually really like to go on a ride along with these hombres just to see what they were thinking here.

Boston Parks and Rec Copying TV Parks and Rec With Smallest Park in America

Boston - The two parking spaces closest to the South End’s Wholy Grain cafe are just like thousands of others in Boston: patches of public asphalt hard against the curb, designated for vehicles. By this time next year, they could be a park...City planners are refining a pilot program to turn parking spaces here and in three other neighborhoods into “parklets’’ - petite, three-season patios, with benches and planters atop platforms built flush with the sidewalk. The city will pay to design and install the first parklets, estimated to cost $12,000 each, while asking businesses, nonprofits, and civic associations to sponsor maintenance of plantings and furniture.

While I actually love the idea, can we not pretend this is some official initiative from some Big Government Parks Think Tank...they stole this straight from Leslie Knope...Except Leslie Knope was going to do it on basically no budget from what I remember...12K? Really? We couldn't find anyone to donate time, top soil, grass, and a bench? How about you pay me $6K, I provide the materials and have this done in a weekend? Deal?

My Only Real Goal in Life

A candid inside look at Barstool Sports headquarters...and my ultimate goal in life.

I have to be one of the few people on earth that can look a desk littered with junk and a grown man eating a loaf of bread while surfing the internet who thinks "I want that," who actually make a moderate attempt at it, but just can't make it happen.

This picture literally ruined my afternoon yesterday because I realized the chances of me ever being that old man, eating a baguette in a sea of filth, coffee, and the far reaches of the internet, is the slimmest of slim.

Just destined to a life of fluorescent lights and overhearing annoying co-worker chatter from my depressing cube.

And my day is shot once again. 

Isiah Thomas Comments On the Dream Team Documentary

Isiah's middle name would be "Lord." That explains so, so much about him. And I was going to go ahead and react to this in my usual, thee paragraph style, but after browsing the comments below this post I found the perfect four words (also there are some gems if you feel like wasting time):

Sugar coated as fuck indeed.

MBTA Concerned Ridership May Overwhelm the System...WHAT?!?

Boston - By the end of the decade, Boston’s subways could grow so packed that trains would roll past waiting commuters, unable to accommodate more riders, a new report from a leading land-use think tank warns...But authors of the study from the Boston branch of the institute, a national nonprofit, issue this warning: Riders who think it is crowded now should be prepared for 20 percent more company by the end of the decade...But without investment in more subway cars, better power and signal systems, and other tools to relieve MBTA crowding, scattered congestion will become widespread, with riders at “hot spots’’ unable to board because cars are too full, and with backups and bottlenecks causing delays systemwide, according to the “Hub and Spoke’’ report.

If this doesn't define how poorly run the MBTA is, I don't know what does. On one hand you've got the T crying poor, asking for bailouts, and ridiculously, cutting service. And then almost simultaneously you've got them complaining about TOO MANY CUSTOMERS!

This is fake life shit. Too many customers should never be a problem. Never. Yes it can cause growing pains, but this isn't some start up learning how to expand, this is an established public transportation business. You want more customers. It's how you make money. It's how you dig yourself out of debt.

It's the MBTA in a nutshell.  Imagine some kid, right out of college, working some 20 hour a week retail job making barely more than minimum wage, complaining about not being able to pay his bills, all the while just ignoring a job offer from a real office, 40 hours a week and competitive pay. That's what's happening here.  It's just batshit crazy.

These people on the T "thinktank" (overpaid bureaucrats) might as well just come out and admit that they are in no way qualified to come up with a fiscally responsible way to handle the increased ridership and are afraid that whatever decision they make will be the wrong decision...which is true. Which is why everyone would be better off if the T system was sold off and privatized. Because I'll tell you this much, no private company has ever complained about too much business. That's just unheard of.

Bud Light Continues to Read My Mind

Kappys better have these in 30 packs.

Who Ya Got? More Improbably Alive: Magic Johnson or Alonzo Mourning?

Who Ya Got? Seeing Zo the other night in his misery surrounded by a sea of blue honky's made me remember something, Zo is still alive. 

Which shocked me, because at various times I could have sworn he was going to die within 12 months due to some rare kidney disease, I think he retired a couple of times, came back, retired, said he was really sick (that's not me doubting him, fyi), got a kidney transplant, came back for a few years, and now he's fine? Just traveling around with the Heat like a grown man mascot? 

On the other hand you have Magic who, through laughs, smiles, and a shit ton of money, might as well be patient zero as far as beating HIV/AIDS goes. 

For me, I'm going to go with the upset and say it's more improbably that 'Zo is still alive. Magic might have been one of the first to live through HIV but its become more common since. They found the right cocktail of pills and he was on his way.  Zo needed a kidney transplant to live. There are very few people on earth I'd give my kidney to. Alonzo, no offense, isn't on that list. Not only did he need to find someone willing to give him AN ORGAN, he needed to find someone willing to give him an organ that was a genetic match. Those odds are nowhere near in your favor. 

Of course there could be a really simple explanation as to how both of these men are still alive: Pat Riley is some kind of Silver Fox Grand Wizard. 

A modern day witch doctor or disease whisperer for African American basketball players. Lebron, Wade, Bosh, they didn't choose South Beach because of the weather and the abundance of ass on the beaches, they chose it because they'll never die of a communicable or genetic disease as long as Pat Riley is at the helm...Hell, right now the Heat have Ronny Turiaf and Eddie Curry on their roster, two guys, playing in the NBA, with congenital heart issues. That's the Pat Riley effect. 

Mayweather Finds Jail Isn't All That Fun, Asks Judge if He can Go Home Now

TMZ - Floyd Mayweather, Jr. says he's begun to shrivel up into a puny regular person during his first 12 days in the big house ... and he's worried he won't be able to bounce back in time to save his boxing career...Floyd is currently locked up for beating his baby mama in front of their kids last year...In the docs, Mayweather says he spends 23 hours-per-day locked in isolation for his own safety. But he claims the imprisonment is taking a "cruel and inhuman" toll on his rippling physique because he can't train at a world class level while serving his time...Floyd's doctor also told the court he's concerned about Floyd's diet ... because he used to eat 3,000 to 4,000 calories per day ... and now, the doc believes FM is eating less than 800.

You know what? I respect the hell out of this. I was all ready to rip him for asking to get out early, but after reading that, I just can't. I couldn't stop laughing the whole way through. It's the most blunt, stripped down, and honest plea for release from jail that I think I've ever heard.

He's not apologizing for what he's done, saying he's learned his lesson, claiming he's reformed, or that he doesn't derserve this, or any of the usual stuff. No, Money Mayweather cuts right to the point.

He might as well have wrote a letter to the judge that said "Dear Judge, jail kinda sucks and is limiting my freedom, can I go home now?" Just as plain as day, like a kid asking to get off the timeout chair in the corner because he's losing valuable Tonka Truck playing time. You've got to respect that kind of honesty...Free Mayweather!

PS:  I don't think Floyd's doing jail right, to be honest. Complaining about the lack of world class training flies in the face of everything I've ever learned about jail. Up until now I would have assumed if athletes wanted to get in shape, they'd do a 6-12 month stretch in Pelican Bay, I've never seen an inmate portrayed as anything but jacked, honestly thought Mayweather would have came out of the clink as a legit heavyweight, I guess that's not the case?

If You're Not Watching Worlds Worst Tenants, I Don't Want to Know You

SPIKE
Trapped In The House
www.spike.com
Spike Full Episodes Spike Video Clips Spike on Facebook

AND THEY FOUND THIS: 

Just a giant man who fell in the tub and got stuck for THREE DAYS, and has been yelling for help while defecating all over himself ever since. Shit was wild, but my favorite part, by far (which sadly the teaser above cuts out), is when the dude walks into the bathroom and goes "Whoa, Whats Up?"

Umm..."MY FAT ASS IS STUCK IN THIS DAMN TUB AND I'VE PISSED AND SHIT ALL OVER MYSELF! That's whats up."

Spike's got a serious hit on their hands.

What Is Going on in this Citi London Olympics Video?

Do the folks of that town know the Olympics haven't happened yet? Does Citi? 

Am I the only one continuously perplexed by this commercial? Did they accidentally release this ad like, 2 months early? What events are those people possibly watching? And why do they equate watching the Olympic Games "London Style," with erecting a gigantic screen between two replica towers of Big Ben at the Town Park...Is that what they do in London? 

Can someone from Citi or the Internet get back to me on this one?

These Family Bumper Sticker Things Drive Me Nuts

I know it shouldn't bother me, I know it flat out makes me a Grinch that it does bother me, but I don't care. 

Hey Lady, we know. You're driving a goddamn Ford Windstar. By default we know that you either have the model nuclear family, or you're an illegal immigrant cruising around in a beat up '96 Toyota Sienna...Soon as I pull up on the side of you and confirm whether you have outrageous chrome rims or not I'll know which one you are, I don't need the silhouette advertisement of what you and your family have going on for activities this weekend.

Only thing worse than these stickers are the retard college kids who throw the Grateful Dead dancing bear stickers on the back of their car because they smoked pot once and listened to Truckin' or Sugar Magnolia and think they're a hippy now. Those people are the worst.

Meet Burger King's Bacon Sundae

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

Like Eldorado, the lost city of gold, you'd heard rumors of it for years. Maybe you had a friend who had a friend, who had a cousin, who'd seen one a few years back. Maybe you'd seen some grainy, poorly lit and out of focus, photo of the bacon sundae, like the famous photo of big foot. But all the while you didn't know what to think; Myth, or Beautiful Truth. 

Well rejoice folks, because the truth is out there. The Bacon Sundae does exist. 

Eat your frigen heart out Mayor Bloomberg...you ban BK from selling gallon buckets of sodas, BOOM, bacon, caramel, and chocolate sundae in your eye. 

Cold Blooded, but I expect nothing less from the King.