People You Meet at the Gym...But Wish You Hadn't

Kind of self explanatory

As a college aged male, I find that an effective method of procrastination with regards to my academic pursuits while also fulfilling a gender norm is going to exercise at the on campus gym.  You know the drill; lift some weights, do a little cardio, shower off and pat yourself on the back for getting yourself into shape despite living in a country where rampant cellulite and 50 plus inch waist lines are becoming the status quo.  As satisfying as it is to pump some iron and feel like a boss in the process, there are types of people who frequent this establishment that make the experience border on intolerable at times.  I call out these assholes below:

Meathead Brodaddy

King of All Meathead Brodaddy's

This species of gym dwelling asshole will typically be accompanied by a chubby friend to ensure without a doubt he looks better by comparison when lifting (Say that part in a Steve Irwin voice, it's alot of fun. RIP Croc Hunter.)  Further indicating marks of this former jock desperate to maintain his ego are barbed wire bicep tattoos, shin high lacrosse socks, and a varsity sport shirt turned into a cutoff shirt from at least 5 years ago.  They seem to think everyone in the general vicinity finds them supportive when they bellow, “ONE MO’ SET BRO, YOU FUCKIN’ GOT THIS, LETS GO!!! YEAHHH!!!!”  Earth to dumbfuck:  Everyone else is simply trying to exercise in peace, not humor you by reliving your “glory” days.  Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice you brought along the Pillsbury Doughboy for a spotter.  I bet your oversized Hummer is sitting in the parking lot as further evidence of your need to overcompensate your steroidically shrunken balls.

Earthquake Weight Drop Douche

I hope it lands on your toes

This is a sub-group of the Meathead Brodaddy since they share many of the same motivations, yet they seem to be utterly harmless since they aren’t nearly as distinctly loud/fucking obnoxious.  They are almost as bad as their counterpart, however, since they find more subtle, passive aggressive ways to try to demonstrate their physical superiority to everyone around.  Typically this is accomplished by loading up a barbell with absurd amounts of weight, getting halfway through one set with a look of intense pain on their face, then letting it SLAM into the floor, causing a fucking tremor to shake the foundation of the gym and distracting everyone else.  We get it, asshole.  You can lift heavy things up, but unlike thefunny Eastern European Guy on the Planet Fitness Ads, you lack the common courtesy/cognitive ability to put them down without putting holes in the floor.

Mobile Sweat Puddles

Towel's aren't just for decoration: USE ONE, DICK

Remember Pig Pen from Charlie Brown who was the lovable little guy with the eternal dust cloud swarming around him?  This person is exactly the same, except that he’s a complete pain in the ass and instead of a cartoon cloud of dirt circulating around his person, there is instead a DELUGE of sweat soaking his skin and clothes.  You could literally be on the other side of the gym and detect this foul creatures sour stench because its just that potent.  Oh, and don’t even dream of using a machine after he does.  Not only will he slather his disgusting form all over every surface inch, his complete obliviousness his disgusting state prevents his radar from alerting him to the fact he should WIPE DOWN after finishing.  Whatever unfortunate device ran into his warpath might as well have a haz-mat team come in and quarantine the poor exercise equipment, since it is essentially dead to everyone who wanted to use it.

Condescending Form Coaches

Maybe I am, but you are an asshole.  I believe I win.

There are many times in life when we need to be corrected because we fucked up at something:  the girlfriend pointing out you left the seat up again, a police officer explaining to a drunken undergrad why it is unacceptable to instruct a member of law enforcement to, “Fuck off” (that example wasn’t from personal experience…totally hypothetical…yeah…)  But when at the gym, many of us use it as a type of sanctuary, a peaceful temporary respite. Whatever our motivations or goals for being at the gym, when we are there, we go because it is separate from our other realms of life where we have many demands and responsibilities.  This is the very last place where I want a stranger to walk up to me and say, “Hey man, you totally weren’t doing those squats right. See, what you wanna do is keep your backside completely underneath you (insert further condescending bullshit instructions here.)  Listen, fuckwad.  If I had wanted instruction on how to do an exercise, I would have asked one of the professionals who work here how to do it, not some random dipshit who felt the need to be superior for no reason.  Now what YOU “wanna do” is get out of my face before I use my “improper” fighting form to break your nose.

Primal Roar Lifters

When you are the King of Spartans, yelling is allowed.  When lifting weights? Shut the fuck up

Listen, when you are on that last rep of an exercise and you are running on fumes, I understand how badly that burn can feel and a gasp/slight grunt is a useful mechanism for fighting the pain you just endured.  But for the love of everything that’s holy, you do not need to roar like Mel Gibsonin Braveheart charging into theBattle of Stirling (the clip is way too long since my previous point is made in the first 30-45 seconds, but Braveheart is fucking awesome, so more of it can’t hurt) every FUCKING time you complete a rep.  You knew what you were getting into when you purposely chose weights to lift that were way out of your league.  Stop being an attention seeking bitch and work out in a less vocal, aggravating way like the rest of us, or I will institute that whatever weight you were lifting when disturbing everyone’s peace has to be shoved straight up your ass. 

Occupy Boston Protesters Thinking of Quitting for the Winter...Dedication.

Protesters continue campout at Rose Kennedy Greenway: MyFoxBOSTON.com

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Protesters with Occupy Boston are back at it, rallying against what they say is out-of-control corporate greed. They've been camping out on the Rose Kennedy Greenway for days. The city however, is not requiring the group to get any permits, even though that's what's supposed to happen for mass protests in the city...The group is protesting a number of causes, but mostly banks and large corporations and their practices. An organizer said there is talk of not staying through the winter, and in fact leaving and breaking until the spring.

Well hopefully you'll all be able to settle on a central message before you all go hibernate for the winter. Or at least something more than this guy gave on video..."uhh, an open discussion about anything" "Uhh anyone can come talk about anything they want." So you just want someone to talk to? You've camped out for a week for that?

What the hell kind of movement is that? You just pack up and go home when it gets cold? Start anew in the Spring. That'll teach those evil banks and their executives laughing at you from their heated offices. "You guys can only keep up your evil profit making ways during the cold months, once the weather turns nice again we want you to stop." 

Of course if this was an organized movement you wouldn't have to stop, you get a board or a leadership committee in charge of organizing members and the message, rent out a hall or abandoned office somewhere and set that up as headquarters. From there you schedule and organize events, publish fliers, and NOT BE A COMPLETE DRAIN ON PUBLIC RESOURCES. 

Come on guys, you're now killing tax payers with all the OT for police officers, free electricity, and extra runs for the garbage men.  I understand wanting to make a change, but can you do it in a way that you're not wasting the cities precious resources, especially after the city and state have basically gone out of their way to let you do your thing? 

You guys are not winning the PR battle right now, I'm your target audience, I want nothing to do with the movement as presently organized (or disorganized). Fix that. Maybe get someone who's comfortable giving an interview. VB, who's not exactly a hard hitting reporter, tore this guy up. Couldn't even answer what you want? 

Man Arrested for Beating Wife After She Didn't "Like" His Facebook Status

Fox News - A Facebook update resulted in the arrest of a Texas man who allegedly beat up his wife for not "liking" his status. According to the criminal complaint, Benito Apolinar posted a comment on his Facebook page about the anniversary of his mother's death, but Dolores Apolinar didn't click the "like" status button. The complaint says Benito Apolinar told his wife that he was unhappy that she didn't respond as others did. Police say that's when a fight began.

Look man, I get it, you just wanted some social network love, we've all been there before, but there is still no excuse for domestic abuse here. You think I don't want to track and beat people who don't "Like" my posts, click the follow me on twitter button, or at the very least throw up an interesting or funny reaction below the post? I do. But it's just not socially acceptable.  I have less than 60 followers, my Klout scores a joke, and 32 people like our Facebook page. Mean while I'm somehow generating like 1,000 page views a day, where are all these people? I'm fucking furiously typing away at the ass-crack of dawn every morning, for basically nothing. Sometimes I'm not even sure people know what those buttons to the right do, despite it being painfully obvious.   But I'm still not slapping a bitch over it, and neither should you have.

And that's without touching on the fact that you wanted someone to "Like" a status on your mother dying...that's just strange. I know there's not a button for all emotions, Facebook hasn't added the "My condolences" option yet, but I don't think "Liking" it is the solution either. How hard is it for someone to type out, "sorry for your loss," In the comment section? Really, you're that lazy? You click the Like button after your friend poured his heart out about mother dying and just go about your day? Some friends.

PS: As a reminder, follow us on facebook and twitter ... or at the very least leave a reaction once in a while.

CNN Asks: Now That Palin Is Out, How Much Would Her Endorsement Matter?

Washington (CNN) -- With Sarah Palin taking a pass on the 2012 presidential race, the focus has shifted to which Republican candidate will land the former Alaska governor's endorsement. But there's no guarantee she will endorse anyone. Palin has already lobbed pointed criticisms at the three Republican candidates leading the national polls: former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, pizza baron Herman Cain and Texas Gov. Rick Perry. "I do not think it's a foregone conclusion that she will endorse any candidate, Bannon told CNN that Palin will think carefully before making an endorsement "If it does happen, it would be strategic, not something that would just be thrown out there," he said.

Who would it benefit? It would benefit the people running against who ever she endorses, at least I’d hope that would be the reaction. God, I really hope no one actually takes this woman’s political thoughts seriously at this point.

I mean who could she legitimately sway? Her reality tv show was cancelled right? She couldn’t have had that many fans…And what was with the media hooplah over the fact that she announced she wasn’t running the other day? Was this really a consideration? In other news did JWoww announce she won’t be running in 2012? 

Seriously people, can we talk about maybe having a month of Sarah Palin-free news? She’s not good at politics, she’s not good at entertainment, and she generally seems like she’s not that smart. Her 15 minutes rightfully should have been over years ago now, and would have been if the head of Fox didn’t have a hard on for her. 

It’s 2011 people, her bid for VP ended long ago and she quit her job as governor to star in a reality show that lasted all of about 4 episodes (I’m guessing by I’m going to say that has a +- range of 1 episode). It’s time to move on.

How I Get Through My Soul Crushing Cubicle Job Part 2: My Second Office in The Bathroom

My Modern Office

That’s right, I’ve moved right in, if you’re reading this after clicking a link from my tweet, just know that I tweeted that while in the handicap stall at my work. So, in real time, as you’re reading this, I’m just chilling, sitting on a toilet, reading twitter. Yes, that is what my job has come to.

In order to escape the never endingness of mail-jail, whining client calls, and annoying conversation perpetrated by my obnoxiously loud neighbor, I now take 2-3 trips to my second office a day and chill on twitter. Borderline should change the name of the site from the alt-tab, to “Droid’n From the Corner Handicap Stall.com” Or something, that’s not all that catchy obviously, but I'd work on it.

And here’s the thing, I’m not half ass'ing it in there either (pun not intended but I did realize it after I typed it and decided to go with it). I go through a the entire routine, the whole 9 yards. I get in, wipe the seat, pad the nest, and drop trow. When I’ve killed enough time, I fake wipe. Did you read that?! I fake wipe! That’s how twisted this routine has gotten me, I’m in a handicap stall checking out my latest tweets, faking wiping my ass. It’s ridiculous. But I have to do it. Less I walk out of there with no wiping sounds and people think I’m just trolling the office with skid marks all afternoon.

So yes, this is my life. This is how I survive my soul crushing job. By tweeting and fake wiping my ass from the handicap stall in my office bathroom.

PS: Google Image search handicap bathroom stall...a shocking amount of people take cell phone shots of public bathroom stalls. What's that all about?

Thieves Looking to Score CD-R's Stumble On Mans Gigantic Child Porn Collection

Fox News - Two burglars looking for blank CDs in California instead found a man’s child pornography stash and turned him in, Fox40 Sacramento reported Wednesday. One juvenile and a 19-year-old broke into Kraig Stockard barn in Delhi, Calif., on Sept. 12 and stole 50 CD-Rs, which Stockard later reported stolen. "I'm kind of surprised that he wanted to draw attention to himself, knowing what was taken," Deputy Tom McKenzie of the Merced County Sheriff's Department told Fox40. When the pair took the CDs home to burn music, they discovered that more than 30 of them contained child porn. They reported the contents of the discs to the sheriff’s department.

What the hell year did this crime take place? 1998? Who burns CD’s anymore? Who has piles upon piles of blank CD-R’s? What do you even play them in? 

Are people out in CA still rocking discman’s with the 60 second shock protection (single handedly the greatest advancement to CD music listening, and the worst all at the same time, true you could now listen to your music while doing other activities beyond sitting still, but your battery was tore up by that shock protector, dead before you even finished your Limp Bizkit CD).  

 Think about it for a second, this guy had to have a legendary stack of blank cd’s for these kids to know to break in and steal them from him. Like some kind of county record, people see him and say “Look there goes the man with the most blank recordable cd-rom discs in the county.”

 Of course now they just say “look, there goes the guy that was burning copious amounts of kiddie porn onto his gigantic CD-R stash.” I’m betting he’s wishing he was into collecting CD-RW’s now…Being able to write over that evidence would have been pretty convenient right about now.

Chicago Board of Trade Trolling The Occupy Movement

The Consumerist - To tweak the noses of protesters involved in the "Occupy Chicago" movement, someone has placed signs in the windows of the Chicago Board of Trade that say, "We are the 1%." The Chicago Board of Trade is the nation's oldest mercantile exchange.

Fantastic. Trolling at its best.

I’m not supporting the 1%’ers, but this is pretty hilarious, even though there is no way in hell those guys are the 1%’ers. 

I happen to know for a fact one percenters occupy corner offices and have better resources available than the backsides of cardboard boxes and sharpies. I mean even I was able to make a graphical chart in my spare time at work the otherday…one percenters probably have whole divisions of minimum wage workers under them just making up bar charts at their every whim.

But still, funny joke all the same.