Clinton being Clinton, Remembers his First Encounter with a Hooker in Times Square

(CNN) - It's not every day you hear an ex-president discuss his memories of a hooker...But that's what Bill Clinton did Wednesday at a press conference in New York during which he praised the redevelopment that city's famed Times Square has undergone in the last two decades..."When I was 18 years-old in November of 1964, a freshman at Georgetown, I first went to Times Square. I bought a steak at Tad's Steakhouse. I heard a guy ream his mother out, poor working woman, because she'd given him a hi-fi instead of a stereo speaker. I remember everything about it. I saw a hooker approach a man in a gray flannel suit. Pretty heavy stuff for a guy from Arkansas," Clinton said.


Classic Clinton...and dollars to doughnuts he was definitely the guy in the grey flannel suit. No need to hide it anymore, you're a beloved ex-President.  We know you're one of the great 20th century philanderer's and we're ok with it.  In fact we love it.  You're a normal guy, you've got issues and so does everyone else.

I like to think that trip to NY shaped him into the world leader he would become.  A champion for the working girl, giving women a chance for their dreams one paid for or bartered sexual encounter and stained dress at a time.

Sorry to Harsh Your Vibe Stoners, But that Joint Is Killing Planet Earth

Sorry bro, those mellow vibes aren't healing the Ozone.

Freakonomics - While it might be all natural, it turns out that toking the green isn’t all that green. Especially if it’s grown indoors. A new study by Evan Mills, an energy analyst at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Lawrence Berkeley National Lab, examines the carbon footprint of the indoor marijuana industry. The results might kill your buzz if you’re an environmentalist...The analysis performed in this study finds that indoor Cannabis production results in energy expenditures of $5 billion each year, with electricity use equivalent to that of 2 million average U.S. homes. This corresponds to 1% of national electricity consumption or 2% of that in households. The yearly greenhouse-gas pollution (carbon dioxide, CO2 ) from the electricity plus associated transportation fuels equals that of 3 million cars. Energy costs constitute a quarter of wholesale value....Some of the biggest growing facilities have a carbon footprint on par with many industrial medical and technology operations. According to Mills, a typical indoor marijuana growing facility has “lighting as intense as that found in an operating room (500-times more than needed for reading), 6-times the air-change rate of a bio-tech laboratory and 60-times that of a home, and the electric power intensity of a data center.”

Harsh news for some mellow stoners. If you're an environmentalist and a stoner you may need to take a long, hard look at that doobie next time before you light the spliff.  Apparently all your peaceful vibes and good karma are straight up murdering this planet.

Unless people can just start growing bushels of this shit on their front lawns it's going to be mighty hard for your average "green" hippy to defend his next high with the usual arguments of:

"The government should just tax it maannn"...Sure but the government is also undergoing a gigantic green movement (whether it's true intentions are a cleaner earth or increased revenues is up for debate, but the fact remains that industries are being forced green).  I'm not sure you're going to be able to justify an indoor pot field that requires more energy than your average cancer treatment ward.

"Hemp can be used for just about anything, maaannnn, shirts, hats, satchels, even paper."  I never loved this one anyway, sorry I don't feel like wearing scratchy, cheap fabric in any form.  And I'm certainly not going to buy a legal pad of paper made of hemp.  Man kind perfected paper generations ago, we're not going back to using papyrus any time soon.  But aside from the point, it'll be hard to justify a cheap, ratty, stoner made hemp shirt that does more damage to the environment than Exxon Corp over a simple cotton grown t-shirt, especially since that whole slavery thing went away. Cotton's just the easy choice there.

Did I Ever Tell You About How I Got This Job?

Did I ever tell you about how I started working here?  See I got this job by accident.  Went a whole summer after college doing nothing, half heartedly going on job interviews to become a paralegal, living off graduation money, and chilling in my parents basement feverishly bidding on rookie baseball cards on eBay in hopes of striking it rich (I’m being entirely serious), and hanging on email chains with a couple of my friends while they slaved away in some cube.

Well summer was drawing to a close and I needed a job.  I’d blown a small fortune as far as college kids go on Fleer Ultras and Topps box sets, and was getting desperately close to not having enough cash to go to the bars on the weekends, it was time to take the job hunt seriously.

One of my aforementioned buddies snagged me an interview for a job I was completely unqualified and untrained for.  Apparently I nailed it, had to interview with two teams that day, but after the first interview the hiring manager legit told me, and I quote “pick your nose or something in the next interview so they don’t pick you because they have first bid.” 

I immediately knew that I had the job, and strangely but more importantly, I’d fit in despite my complete lack of industry knowledge.

Been there ever since, continually fooling people into believing I know more than I really do through bullshit and fancily worded e-mails.

I rag on a lot about how much I hate it at the job, and to be completely honest I dream of the day that I just say screw it I’m not going anymore.  But deep down I think I’d miss the company that gave me a shot I in no way deserved and then continued to promote me for reasons I’ve yet to comprehend, though I think it has something to do with the fact that most of the people I started with are gone leaving me as the lone ranger as everyone falls off.

I guess its true, 90% of life is just showing up

Philadelphia Offering Mail Order Columns For 11 Year Olds

Fox News - A new campaign by Philadelphia officials to reduce sexually transmitted diseases allows children as young as 11 to receive free condoms via mail order, outraging some parents who believe that's too early to start getting physical. he program, offered by the city's Department of Health, features a website that includes facts on diseases like Chlamydia, gonorrhea and HIV/AIDS, as well as detailed -- and playful -- instructions for young girls on how to use female condoms. "Every girl is different," TakeControlPhilly.org reads. "Figure out what position works for you. You can stand with one foot on a chair, sit on the edge of a chair, lie down, squat, or for fun, have your partner help you out." "Playing it safe just got easier," the website reads. "If you live in Philadelphia and are between the ages of 11 and 19, you can now have condoms mailed directly to you for FREE. Maybe it's difficult for you to stop by one of our sites to pick up condoms. Or maybe you're just shy or feeling weird about picking up condoms."

Legit, when I was 11, I wouldn't have known how to mail order anything, nevermind know what a condom was for.  I'd probably receive that shit in the mail and be terribly disappointed when I went to blow up the balloon and it had a slimy disgusting taste.  That would have ruined my day and no amount of snack time trade ups would have made it any better.

Honestly, look at that box.  Do you even think the average 11 year old can pronounce chlamydia or syphilis? Is this like an inner city kids thing? Do they know about this shit that young? When we were 11 in the 'burbs all we cared about was how many people were going to show up for the next game of Kick the Can or home run derby.  The biggest hullaballo at school was kids gathering around the bus stop and discussing last night's episode of Boy Meets World and ragging on the poor kids who watched 7th Heaven, even though we secretly all did.  Topanga had shit on Lucy Camden.

But even with our little elementary school crushes, I'm fairly certain if Lucy herself handed me a condom I would have laughed at her for getting ripped off for buying a trick balloon that tastes like shit.  Definitely wouldn't have been asking her if her favorite position was squatting or with one foot on a chair.  Would have just been two disappointed kids with no balloon animals to play with.

PS: One final question.  Even if they are sexually active, does an 11 year old need to worry about STD's? Who are the dirty hoes these playa's are running with? 6th grade skanks just sleeping around with high school kids and transmitting genital warts? WTF?

McDonalds Employees Arrested In Illegal Immigrant Round Up

Fox News - Two McDonald's Corp. restaurant managers in Savannah, Ga., were charged Wednesday with selling identities stolen from U.S. citizens to prospective workers -- a case that federal authorities said shows the risks employers are increasingly taking to mask the hiring of illegal immigrants. U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) said Wednesday that agents executed search warrants at two McDonald's outlets and the headquarters of McDonald's-NTG Enterprises, where they seized employee records and other evidence. The Savannah-based company owns and operates six McDonald's restaurants in the area. Agents arrested managers Oscar Lazo, 51, a Peruvian national, and Eva Ramos, 35, a U.S. citizen, as well as nine immigrants at the restaurants around noon Wednesday. They also arrested two Mexican nationals, former employees of McDonald's in the area at their homes, as well as a fifth defendant, for whom ICE did not release any information.

This is seriously going to hurt the McDonalds business model.

Of course they were selling ID's to prospective employees.  Have you ever tried to order an Oreo McFlurry lately?  You're lucky if you even get anything remotely close to ice cream by the time you reach the drive up window.  

90% of the time I order that Mcflurry, by the time you roll up, the dude in the window is handing me a bag with a couple random burgers and a large fry with a sheepish look on his face, like "yea I have no clue what you said, I just got here last week and nailed this sweet job though, so please don't blow it for me." And I don't.  He'll figure out eventually that his job sucks and minimum wage aint going to pay for the Crib's lifestyle he watched on some dubbed version of MTV, probably end up in a triple decker in Chelsea defending his front door with a shotgun.  

Plus, who am I kidding.  I'm totally eating that burger and fries, just make me whole and fetch a Mcflurry and we're all good amigo.  

Awkward Pat Downs Continue, TSA Gropes A 6 Year Old Would Be Terrorist

CNN - Here, a 6-year-old is filmed by her parents as she gets the full TSA pat-down treatment at an airport in New Orleans.

Its been a while since there was a good old, TSA groping scandal, and if CNN has decided it's time to bring back this tried and true page view generator, well then it's time for the 'Tabs as well. 

This week's controversy brought to us by a 6 year old child/potential would be terrorist.  Apparently this has parents up in arms everywhere.  Have they forgotten 6 year olds can be terrorists? Like they don't have children over there in the Middle East all of a sudden?

Wake up people.  This is our country's safety we're talking about.  Like, cute little Mohammed Bin Saddam may look all innocent, reading his Curious George Book.  That is until you find out the kids got a block of C4 under that propeller cap of his. 

And don't stop with the toddlers either. Babies in diapers are a real threat as well.  It may not be a pretty or glamorous job, but someone needs to check those bulging huggies.  Sure you may just end up with a handful of shit,  but I'll feel much safer knowing that awkward smell coming from the baby in front of me is just poo, and not some fertilizer bomb this evil genius baby is about to ignite mid flight.