MBTA Concerned Ridership May Overwhelm the System...WHAT?!?

Boston - By the end of the decade, Boston’s subways could grow so packed that trains would roll past waiting commuters, unable to accommodate more riders, a new report from a leading land-use think tank warns...But authors of the study from the Boston branch of the institute, a national nonprofit, issue this warning: Riders who think it is crowded now should be prepared for 20 percent more company by the end of the decade...But without investment in more subway cars, better power and signal systems, and other tools to relieve MBTA crowding, scattered congestion will become widespread, with riders at “hot spots’’ unable to board because cars are too full, and with backups and bottlenecks causing delays systemwide, according to the “Hub and Spoke’’ report.

If this doesn't define how poorly run the MBTA is, I don't know what does. On one hand you've got the T crying poor, asking for bailouts, and ridiculously, cutting service. And then almost simultaneously you've got them complaining about TOO MANY CUSTOMERS!

This is fake life shit. Too many customers should never be a problem. Never. Yes it can cause growing pains, but this isn't some start up learning how to expand, this is an established public transportation business. You want more customers. It's how you make money. It's how you dig yourself out of debt.

It's the MBTA in a nutshell.  Imagine some kid, right out of college, working some 20 hour a week retail job making barely more than minimum wage, complaining about not being able to pay his bills, all the while just ignoring a job offer from a real office, 40 hours a week and competitive pay. That's what's happening here.  It's just batshit crazy.

These people on the T "thinktank" (overpaid bureaucrats) might as well just come out and admit that they are in no way qualified to come up with a fiscally responsible way to handle the increased ridership and are afraid that whatever decision they make will be the wrong decision...which is true. Which is why everyone would be better off if the T system was sold off and privatized. Because I'll tell you this much, no private company has ever complained about too much business. That's just unheard of.

I Still Hate the Miami Heat, But Goddamnit Do I Respect Dan LeBatard for this Rant

Hate if you want, point out that the Heat technically still haven't won anything if you want, complain that maybe its a tad too long if you want, but this is absolutely one of the best trolling sports rants I've ever heard. Ever. Just gem on top of gem. Came right out of the gates swinging. 

 "Your Doc Lost Game 7, Our Docs augment breasts"

"You eat Boston cream pies, baked beans, and chowdah. You know what we eat? We'll eat your motherfucking face!"

"The famous Citgo sign in Kenmore Sq. contains 5 miles of neon tubing, Lebron has that...IN HIS PANNNTS."

"The John Hancock Tower boats 13 acres of glass, after game 7, Lebron Returned to Miami, and 13 Acres of Ass!"

And my absolute favorite:

"YOU HAVE ONLY ONE RONDO, WE HAVE A MILLION ARMANDO'S!"

Well played LeBatard, well played indeed.

Ranting On Tips, Service Fees, And Other Hidden Costs

Slate - Cabs in New York City used to accept payment exclusively in cash, and tipping was governed by informal norms. Then they installed touchscreens that display advertorial content and also facilitate credit card payment. When you pay with a card, you can manually enter a tip number or you can select one of three default options, and Joshua Gross notes that the defaults make an enormous difference: During payment, the user is presented with three default buttons for tipping: 20%, 25%, and 30%. When cabs were cash only, the average tip was roughly 10%. After the introduction of this system, the tip percentage jumped to 22%. Those three buttons resulted in $144,146,165 of additional tips. Per year. Those are some very valuable buttons. 

This tipping of cab-drivers thing has always driven me nuts.  You know what my tip for the cab driver is? Rounding to the nearest $5 in whatever I'm paying him. If I owe $22.15, he gets $25...that's it.  Yea, on occasion if its like $24 and change, I'll toss in a couple of singles, but otherwise, what am I tipping for? I don't tip bus drivers and subway conductors, do I?

I hired this guy to drive me from point A to Point B. You've agreed to charge me a set rate...that's what you're getting paid. If that's not enough then work to raise the rates. Plain and simple. Short of defying the laws of time and space and teleporting me to my destination, there's not much a cab driver can do to make me go out of my way to tip them extra...they're certainly not making up for it with their conversation skills. 

In fact, I think that'd be a good rule for our society as a whole going forward, just charge me what you think is fair. Don't make me sit here and think about how much the service I just bought from you should cost, I'm already paying you, you do the work. And don't hide or re categorize charges as fees or whatever bullshit term you want to come up with, just tell me the frigen price. Bottom line it for me. 

Like I stayed at Foxwoods a couple months back...the listed room price was one price, the final bill was another entirely, with random tax charges, and something called a resort fee! Honestly guys, what the fuck is that?! How is that not part of the room fee? Is it optional? If I agree not to go to the pool or get massage or something because I'll be spending the next 24 hours drinking and gambling can I get out of it? No. No, I can't. So put it up front in the original charge. Fucking crooks. 

There's plenty more. Delivery charges for takeout food...safe to say if you're charging me for delivery, I'm not tipping your driver more than $2, and that's just because I feel like a dick when I go to the door and don't give him anything. But to me the delivery charge is the tip. I don't feel so much as I'm being taken here, as this needs to get more publicity and become a social norm. I feel like not enough people pay attention to this. People, if you're charged a delivery charge, its the same thing as when a restaurant automatically includes 20% gratuity for large parties. You're under no obligation from that point forward.

Lets keep going. Meals tax on snacks. What the hell guys. If I buy a snickers bar downstairs at our cafe, I shouldn't be charged 6.25% more than if I buy it upstairs in the vending machine. Same goes for my Vitamin Water-Zero. This is just asinine. Same company, same building, different room, different charges. 

Rolling right along...Convenience charges when buying tickets online, when I PRINT THE TICKETS MYSELF...my ink, my paper, your convenience. I get it if I'm having them mailed to me, hell, I'd get it if I picked them up at the box office since that requires you have staff present. I will never for the life of me understand how the fuck these guys get away with charging me for printing my own tickets. This is the most confounding racket going today. And they get you both ways, coming and going! Because if you decide you're going to turn around sell your ticket, say on stub-hub, you get hit with a selling charge. A percentage of your profits...So not only did you pay above face value for your tickets, but now, when you go to sell them, you have virtually no chance of recouping your money, because even if you charge the $10 or so above face value that you paid for your tickets (because of the fucking inconvenience fee), you've still go to give back a portion of those profits for stub hub acting as your broker. IT'S ALL A SCAM...You cannot win when it comes to buying event tickets. 

That's all I got for now, but this could easily become a regular installment. Bottom line, all I want is for places to just start pricing things for what they actually cost, no more hidden fees, no more service charges after the fact, and make those goddamn convenience fees illegal. I'm not cheap, I'm perfectly happy paying what I owe, I just like to know what that is.

A Quick Rant on Team Building and Leadership Seminars

Yup, the dreaded "how to be an effective leader" class (or it's random variants, effective communication, team building, how to support your staff, yada, yada, yada). If you've ever worked in a middle management role or  above, chances are you've suffered through a few hours of this class...or as I like to call it, common sense. 

Look, we get it, you guys are former HR folks who decided to strike it out on your own and preach what you believe to be the tenets of management. You want us to believe that you've got it all figured out, and that if we just follow your overly corny and simplified advice, step by step, in any given situation, we'll all be the most loved CEO's of all time some day. Fluorescent lights projecting rainbows with pots of gold at the ends of them all over the office, and office water bubblers tasting like kool-aid, but without the diabetic results, and bathrooms with full length privacy stalls. It'll just be wonderful. Your employees won't care at all that they're tethered to their cubes for 40-50 hours a week doing mindless work.

What you don't seem to get is that random games like trust falls, two truths and a lie, a quick ice breaking game of telephone...all that *crap*, has no place in the real world. Ok? We've all been to college, we've all played these games at orientation. It was assumed that getting that piece of paper 4 years later on a 95 degree day after baking in my robe for 3 hours meant that I'd never have to go through another kumbaya session again. That was part of the deal going in, I'm pretty sure I signed a contract, I've got it somewhere in my trunk. 

Just show us your pie charts showing us what percentage of communication body language, tone, and speech make up (hint, speech is shockingly low! otherwise, why would we be having this class). Show us the slide show on how nice and happy co-workers interact with each other after their boss stopped crossing their arms when holding meetings, and don't forget to mention there are other ways to motivate employees in non-monetary fashions...because a nice pat on the back and an "atta-boy" always make up for delayed, denied, or ultimately puny raises. 

/End Rant.

50 Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Watching the 2011-2012 Celtics (As Well as a Piece Defending Danny Ainge)

I make that face alot when watching the Celtics play these days




Well, the day of reckoning has finally arrived for the guys in green and white. The proverbial “ three year window” that Danny Ainge said he could keep open at the beginning of the Big Three Era is, in my humble opinion, finally coming to a close. Now, despite the increasing popularity of second guessing/excoriating Danny Ainge as our GM, people should realize we got 4 years of strongly competing for a title when the Celtics, when back in 2003, were stuck in Salary Cap/Basketball HELL due to the impossible mess that dumbass…I mean former GM Chris Wallace left. Ainge got rid of Antoine Walker, an overpaid inefficient volume scorer, Mark Blount who possessed a personality so toxic reporters needed haz mat suits to even speak to him, and jettisoning Raef Lafrentz when it was apparent he was beyond worthless.

As far as I am concerned, Ainge has only missed on 2 significant draft picks in his time as GM, using a first round pick on Gerald Green and J.R Giddens. Green was somewhat defensible at the time, as taking high school kids was becoming more trendy and their #1 target, Danny Granger, had just come off the boards. Additionally, despite David Lee being picked 30th overall, there was no one else of significance in that draft. The Giddens pick hurt a good deal, because Mario Chalmers (hero of the Kansas Jayhawks title run that year) was available to shore up the revolving door we have had at back up point guard as well as DeAndre Jordan, which every fan of college basketball or the Celtics believed we were going to take to complement Kendrick Perkins.

Despite these two screw ups, Ainge at least has the balls to make things happen for this team. He’s not afraid to spend money or trade players for the right deal. Wallace, Pitino, and M.L Carr were HORRENDOUS at drafting, free agency, or making sensible trades. Hell, Wallace was LUCKY Pierce fell to the Celtics at the 10th pick in the 98 draft, because if he wasn’t there, word is we would have drafted *Keith Van (false: as CW pointed out to me, Van Horn was drafted a year prior to Pierce. From what I remember, Michael Doleac was who the C's were going to take if they didn't get Pierce. I could be making that up as well, whatever. Point is 90's front office didn't do much right.) I shudder to think of what would have happened if we didn’t dodge that bullet.
The point of the matter is this: Every GM in the NBA makes great moves and horrible ones, that’s the nature of dealing with professional sports. Some make nothing but terrible moves (Otis Smith for example) while others seemingly can’t miss (Sam Presti recently) But over time, every GM gets hot and cold, much as players do. Mitch Kupchak, apparently a genius for drafting Bynum and trade raping the idiotic Grizzlies for Pau Gasol, now has Metta World Peace, Steve Blake, and Luke Walton tying up $15 million in cap space, completely handicapping the Lakers at the tradeline. So whatever failings Danny may have had (The Kendrick Perkins trade sticks out like a sore thumb,) he’s also the man that turned a bottom 5 team into a champion in one season and that, I’ll forever be grateful to him.

Now to the fun part of the piece. Despite the fact I still watch every game of the Celtics season, it’s coming to feel like watching the Titanic right after the ship has smashed into the iceberg: a slow, tortuous sink to the bottom. Here are 50 things I’d rather do that would probably be less painful

1. Get a colonoscopy from Edward Scissor Hands
2. Watch an episode of Chloe and Kim take New York
3. Try to out eat Takeru Kobayashi
4. Lick a heated waffle iron
5. Watch the Fourth Kind again (I can’t stress how much this movie sucks)
6. Smash my face into a windshield so I can FINALLY call 1-800-54GIANT
7. Get into a fight with Bruce Banner
8. Play Chess against Spock
9. Listen to any of the nonsensical garbage spewing from the sound holes of the dumb broads on “The View”
10. Play “Guitar Hero: Avril Lavigne Edition”
11. Go to a modern art museum
12. Be the donkey in a “Pin the tail on the Donkey” Competition
13. Read anything written by Frederick Nietzsche
14. Go skinny dipping in the Atlantic Ocean right now.
15. Discuss politics with Michael Moore
16. Play a game of dodgeball with wrenches instead of balls
17. Wax all the hair off of my body
18. Have a private work out session with Richard Simmons
19. Talk religion with Rick Santorum
20. Work as Chucky Cheese as a child’s birthday party
21. Be a window washer for the Empire State building
22. Sled down Mount Everest
23. Eat anything on the menu at America’s source of E-coli, Denny’s
24. Hold in my puke from #23
25. Be a security guard at a heavy metal concert
26. Try to convince people Tom Cruise isn’t secretly gay
27. Get in a sword fight with Aragorn, son of Arathorn
28. Listen nothing to but Rihanna, Katy Perry, and Pitbull (god that would suck)
29. Get in a jello wrestling match with Hillary Clinton
30. Ride to the west coast on a plastic big wheel
31. Take a dump in a hot girls house and clog the toilet (ala Harry in Dumb and Dumber)
32. Survive on a diet of hot pockets, egg nog, and hungry man tv dinners
33. Wear a Lebron James Heat Jersey in downtown Cleveland
34. Pick up a chick at a Wal Mart
35. Do the laundry at a retirement home
36. Watch any member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour do standup
37. Write a dissertation defending the merits of “The Jersey Shore” and its social effect on modern day society
38. Challenge an Irishman to a drinking contest
39. Try to do more coke than Charlie Sheen
40. Only watch The Phantom Menace and The Clone Wars
41. Drive a mini-van as my primary method of transportation
42. Try to ride a REAL bull…in the wild
43. Listen to the story of how I was created
44. Use dial-up internet connection speed for a week
45. Fit John Goodman for assless leather chaps
46. Get some sort of piercing, not on the wiener though.
47. Try to argue that bowling is a sport
48. Attend a WNBA game wearing a team’s respective apparel
49. Eat a bag of puke flavored jelly beans only
50. Meet Ron Burgundy (This one is actually awesome, I want to do this very much)

Lebron's Ongoing Intentional Comedy

I know you don't get it Lebron, but you screwed up again.


Lebron is at again. The player who continuously waffles between being a villain and a cherished superstar with a unique skillset never before seen in this league, cannot prevent his mouth from continuing to make him look like a complete jackass. I’ll openly admit, I do not like LeBron. From his public comments that express an almost incomprehensible lack of self awareness, like his initial bafflement as to why people didn’t like “The Descision”, to his outright dismissive arrogance, like mocking Dirk Nowitzski’s flu during the NBA Finals last summer. That being said, I am often in awe of what the man can do on a basketball court. He is a freak specimen that has begun to work on his deficient low post game to become a more complete player.

Yet it is his insecurity as a player, his overwhelming desire to somehow get everyone to love him, that is his biggest hurdle to becoming a complete player.

Just yesterday, LeBron told reporters, “You can’t predict the future…If I decide to come back, hopefully the fans will accept me.” Earth to LeBron: You proverbially cock teased about 4 major franchises 2 years ago in the most ridiculous off season ever, left tantalizingly vague suggestions you were considering a potential move, and left your hometown franchise in one of the biggest media debacles and PR/image assassinations ever seen. I may not be able to predict the future, but I have an inkling you won’t exactly be welcomed back with open arms. Dan Gilbert (who’s an immature, whiny shitstain in his own right) has publicly excoriated Lebron numerous times since his departure, fans were publicly burning his jersey in the streets, and is soundly boo’ed every time he touches the ball. Is LeBron really so oblivious that he can’t realize he napalmed his bridges in Cleveland by shattering a collective fan bases heart?

Now, would most Cleveland fans welcome him back if this were a sincere suggestion? Probably. Maybe it would be begrudgingly, resentfully, and hesitantanly, but you don’t pass on one of the most talented players in the league. But the fact this statement was made, in my opinion, with ZERO intention of returning to the Cavaliers in a desperate attempt at garnering affection comes off as ridiculously patronizing.
LeBron is developing a damaging habit of promising the world to a fanbase, then coming up short when it matters most. In numerous interviews during his time as a Cavalier, he firmly promised his ultimate goal was to bring a championship to Cleveland. Although he didn’t always have the best supporting cast, he had more pull in personnel decisions than any other player, hell, most front office guys have in the league. As we know, that never happened. During his absurdly self promoting “Pre-Season Pyrotechnic Parade” He guaranteed something like 6 or 7 titles.

While he is only in his second year and having the most efficient NBA season of all time (shit that’s kind of amazing, when you consider it), it’s almost like he learned nothing from the fall out after “The Descision.”

As a free agent, it was absolutely within his rights to offer his services to another team. It’s the manner in which he publicly handles his NBA career that rubs a great deal of people the wrong way. If I were a Heat fan (a real fan, not these bandwagon assholes who jumped on when 3 of the best players in the league were acquired through collusion…uh, I mean “trades.”) I’d be pretty pissed LeBron is openly pining for his scorned fanbases affection. It’s this overwhelming desire to be cherished for the talent he is that I think well prevent LeBron from ever realizing his true potential, like Kobe has done over the course of his career.

Kobe, despite his caustic attitude towards his team mates and his haughty dismissal of questions he doesn’t like, has never wavered from the player he is: A cold blooded villain who thrives, hell maybe even ENJOYS, in the face of the collective hate of fanbases outside of L.A. Kobe has proven, even with Shaq, that he has that killer instinct that allows him to completely take over a game, even if it comes at the expense of his team mates happiness or fan’s approval. At the end of the day, Kobe is a winner. LeBron may get there someday, but until he stops his incessant cries for love and focuses on what he is paid to do (play basketball) I doubt he will ever achieve what he is capable of.

Operation Liquid Expulsion: Stages of Having to take a Massive Piss

If only it were that easy, Calvin



I’m back ladies and gentleman with yet another entry about a seemingly mudane
(edit: crude) but astonishingly deep issue that strikes us all when it is most inconvenient: whether it be at the bar when you are hitting out of the park with an attractive member of the opposite sex (highly unlikely) or you are stuck in a long car ride having mistakenly thought you could down 5 Pacific Cooler Capri Suns before the ride (much more likely.) You told yourself you’d only have one, but they are just so damn delicious and there’s only like 2 ounces of fluid in that $5.00 pouch of sugar water. Either way, we’ve all ridden the “Holdin’ It” express. But I’m here to break down this process, as it goes beyond simply one bad decision. Rather, it is a consistent sequence of dumb fuckery that we should know better to engage in at this point, but our stubborn biological circuitry refuses to arrange itself in a more advantageous manner.

Stage 1: Invincibility Complex- This quirk of human personality goes all the way back to when you were a poorly planned idea in the minds of your parents after a drunken night out. Despite all evidence that we will fail at a forthcoming endeavor or that the statistical likelihood of a negative outcome is all but going to occur as a result of our incompetence, we have a built in, “Fuck it, I can do it” switch. I’m guilty of this as much as the next guy. During high school, my friends and I thought chugging various liquids at top speed would result in much machismo and ascension on the social hierarchy. I mean, random dudes on YouTube completed these beverage based tasks to the adoration of millions of viewers and much worship in the comments section. We can totally pull off some awesome hijinks right? Holy shit, were we ever wrong. All we ended up with was a puke stained drive way. And by “we,” I mean my idiot friend who goaded me into trying to pound 5 Gatorades in 2 minutes. He provided the driveway, I the puke. Hope his driveway still smells like shit. Long story short, we think we can do stuff when we really just can’t, but that doesn’t stop us from trying.

Stage 2: Shaky Foundation- This is when the seeds are doubt are growing in your mind, and that tiny, almost indiscernible part of your brain screams at you to cease and desist your current endeavor because this is the grain of rice that tips the scale, or the Coors Light that will have you crossing your legs so hard you injure a testicle just so that you don’t publicly piss your pants. Contrary to the events in Billy Madison, peeing your pants is NOT COOL. You have wear a sodden, pair of pants that reek like all holy hell, much to the displeasure of the general public. At least with a smelly fart you can feign ignorance pretty easily. You piss yourself, no getting away with that. You are wearing a puddle of evidence my friend. But you go ahead and do it anyway. Like order the buffalo chicken pizza telling yourself you won’t get an extra large coke, like saying you won’t eat all the ice cubes at the bottom on your drink, like telling the neighborhood kids at the corner you’d like to have more homemade lemonade for a quarter even though you have to drive all the way up to your friends lake house 2 hours away in LackofSociety, New Hampshire (…that one didn’t come from personal experience…no way…in my defense they were using ENORMOUS kitchen glasses that took out 1/3rd of the pitcher every time. For a quarter. I would have been a fool to pass it up.)

Stage 3: Desperation Bargaining- Either publicly or privately (but most often publicly, much to the chagrin of your current company,) you begin to make every concession in the book, just for the opportunity to void your bladder as quickly as possible. Often pleas to some sort of divine figure are made, but as if the cosmos finds your situation extremely enjoyable, every possible avenue of conventional piss taking are off limits to you. Bathroom at a fast food joint? Every stall is taken, the janitor refuses to clean the floor faster than a glacial pace, or theres a homeless guy taking a nap in the most inconvenient spot possible. Forrest all along the side of the highway? There’s just so happens to be a massive traffic jam where you can’t even begin to stomach the public shame of being seen running for the forest cradling your crotch in front of all these strangers despite the abdominal agony. Out for the night at a bar? The second you make a move for the bathroom you are besieged by a long lost contact, usually a Facebook lurker, that deems it the perfect time to catch up on the meaningless occurrences in their life that have no bearing on you whatsoever. Like I said, the second you build “The Shaky Foundation” the universe will act like you spat in its eye and fuck with you relentlessly.

Stage 4: Transformation into Satan Incarnate- There are a lot of exceptionally angry people out there, like belligerent drunk bro daddy’s at a frat party who want to fight someone the minute they get some beer in them to compensate for their insecurity or every single cab drive in the city of New York. But I’d be hard pressed to find one more irrational or dangerous than a person on the verge of pissing themselves. It’s like the activating that human primal survival instinct but instead of fighting for their very survival, the person is simply trying to preserve their social standing and not be known as the person who pissed themselves that one time. So every good grace and semblance of civility has vanished in the search of one spot where they can relieve themselves in peace. This includes screaming obscenities at people trying to help you, throwing elbows into people impeding your path, or making vicious threats to anyone who would dare halt your search of whatever you happen to deem a bathroom.

The aformentioned past Sean, having past all of the stages listed here, found himself in the ass crack of rural New Hampshire, big line of traffic all trying to get to the lakes region in the summer time. I had convinced myself that I could be civil, that I would find a suitable bathroom and do my business peacefully. Well, I violently pulled into a small parking lot, burst through the doors of a diner, nearly braining a little kid trying to get a gumball. I am sweating balls, doing a miniature tap dance, begging my internal plumbing to hold together. The snide as shit waitress asks…
Bitch: “Can I help you sir?”
Me: “Yes please, I just need to use your bathroom.”
Bitch (smirks )“I’m sorry, paying customers only.”
Me: “Seriously, I really have to pee, I’ll buy something when I come out.”
Bitch (looks over my shoulder) “Table for..how many, ma’am?
At this point I lost it. I usually can hold my composure in public because I don’t enjoy making a scene. But in a very out of character moment, I went berserk. I’m sure I was the talk of that little town for quite some time afterwards, and I maintain that the rage instilled within me was entirely the fault of my bladder, which I’m convinced was rupturing, and a snarky female who enjoyed the small modicum of power she had over me. Paraphrasing since it was a while ago, but this is roughly the message I conveyed
Me: “If you do not let me use your bathroom in the next 10 seconds, I swear to god I will piss my pants right here in the middle of your restaurant. I don’t care, at this point it will be worth it to watch you have to get a mop and wipe up a puddle of my piss. So either you either let me use the bathroom or ruin everyone’s afternoon including yours because all they smelled during their lunch was urine.”

Suffice to say, it was very awkward after that. It was as silent as a funeral procession as I was begrudgingly handed the key to the men’s room. I used the facilities, washed my hands, handed the key back to the extremely agitated waitress, and left. I think she screamed something about me buying something, I don’t know, like hell I was going to help her out. For the record, I pissed all over that toilet seat, so I win.

The moral of the story is this. We are all in a permanent Stage 1 state. But due to the sensitive nature of the universe and how readily that uncomfortable “have to pee” sensation can cripple us, listen to that little voice and don’t build a shaky foundation. We all now know where it leads: to you angrily berating a waitress at a rural New Hampshire diner. You don’t want that.

Translating the Most Difficult Human Language: Woman-Speak

I feel that way often times after my failed attempts at engaging the opposite gender too, Mr. Chan


I apologize for my lengthy hiatus, loyal Alt-Tabbers. I was under the delusion that, upon graduating from college in one of the worst economies since the Great Depression, that I would be showered with job offers simply because I now possess a $160,000 dollar piece of paper that confirms I can bullshit 4 years of academia in which I acquired no transferable skills beyond that of being able to legally drink/purchase alcohol. Well, quite the opposite is true. I have sent out countless job applications, written an obnoxious amount of cover letters, and the only phone call I’ve received is from my mother wondering when I was coming home from a ski trip. The funny thing is, I am still in the “grace period” in my peers/parents eyes. For some arbitrary reason, people seem to have an inordinate amount of sympathy for me when I say I’m looking for jobs. They give me a misty eyed look and usually try to encourage me with some sort of anecdote about persevering, like I am headed off to fight in the gladiator arena, or something like that. In any case, my unemployment status, while not beneficial in the monetary sense, has given me ample time to fire up my messed up mind to come out with more golden blog entries.
I don’t pretend to be a “ladies man” or anything of the sort. It’s not like I’m Raj from the Big Bang Theory and am rendered speechless when they come into my general vicinity, but I’ll openly admit I am cautious at best around members of the opposite sex. Despite this aspect of my personality, I do believe I have some keen insight into the vast complexities of the female lexicon. Everyone knows that, even if guys and girls are both speaking English/Yiddish/Whatever the hell language you want to put here and saying the exact same words, the underlying meaning is completely different and often times is the culprit for the miscommunication between those of us with a Y chromosome and those without. I’ve isolated some of the most frequently heard phrases that women utter, and through pain staking analysis deciphered what the actual meaning behind the words is.

#1.) What she says: “We need to talk”
What she means: “You need to figure out what nonsensical/obscure thing you did to piss me off, and you better have a valid answer quick.”

This one is universally feared by all men, and 99 % of the time it usually ends up with guys making vast relationship concessions and heartfelt (or as close as we can come to a reasonable facsimilie of sincerity) apologies typically without the slightest indication as to what we did or why it is a problem. In the realm of female-dom, passive agressivism is king and men happen to be the court jester that is forced bend to it’s will. Most confusing to me is the “we” in this scenario, since it usually involves a stern faced female with arms crossed waiting for the male to start spilling the beans on whatever transgression has occurred, whether he be guilty or not. That’s not a “we”, that’s “you,” and for what it’s worth, being direct would be more appreciated than the current phrasing that would indicate equality in the forthcoming conversation.
#2.) What she says: “Oh, who is she?”
What she means: “Who is that bitch, where did you meet her, how do you know her, are you having sex with her, why didn’t you tell me about her?!?!?”

In the age of Facebook and smart phones, privacy is a luxury that none of us have anymore. Transparency is the name of the game with regards to peoples social lives. Sadly, this means that there is photographic evidence of every single encounter you have ever made in your life from 2007 on. It doesn’t matter if it happens to be you standing awkwardly next to a female co-worker at a job function or the more damning glassy eyed you grinning ear to ear with an attractive bar patron (or patroness? I don’t know the proper terminology here.) The seemingly innocuous “Who is she” is not a simply request of another females identity. It is your cue to, without panicking or gushing perspiration from every pore in your body, to explain the exact nature of your connection to this person, when you met, how you met, how many words in a day you exchange with them etc. Basically, unless you wish to endure the wrath of a jealous and pissed of lady friend, submit calmly to this veiled interrogation and you will avoid much nonsensical bullshit. I’m not saying to guys to lay down and spinelessly cowering in the corner. I’m saying to cover your ass. You’ll thank me for this sage advice later

#3) What she says “I’ll be ready in five minutes.”
What she means “I’m going to take about 30-40 minutes going through my immensely complicated aesthetic preparation ritual, but god help you if you aren’t ready to go when I am.”

Yet another reason I am extremely glad that I was born a guy. When I tell someone it will take my five minutes to get ready, that’s probably on overstatement. If I clocked myself on a Friday/Saturday night, I’m willing to bet it would take me no longer than three minutes to throw on acceptable looking clothes and applying some sort of deodorant/cologne, assuming I have showered beforehand. Women’s “five minutes” includes a lengthy shower, hair preparation, makeup application, then at least 20 minutes of consulting one another on the optimal combination of apparel for the evening when in all actuality guys will think you look good in almost anything. But the pivotal detail here: Be ready when they are. Just because you understand that they will take much longer than 5 minutes doesn’t mean to let your guard down. If you can strategically fit in a round of Call of Duty or watch the game on TV, power to you. But if the lady friend discovers you dicking around when they have spent the better part of the last hour getting themselves dolled up, be ready for the hell you are about to pay.

Dear NBA Officials: Please Do Your Job Better

The Devil of All Officials



A Letter to NBA Officials: Please do your Jobs Better
(I'm going to break this down in two mindsets: One mildly polite rational letter that expresses my dissatisfaction with the current standards of officiating, one a normal person who doesn't personally invest himself within the outcome of every single game. Then I will translate this message into my language, which is English that has been massacred into immense levels of profanity and slang. Enjoy)

Dear NBA Officials

It has recently come to my attention, after viewing multiple games of NBA basketball in the 2011-2012 season, that it there are significant issues that need to be addressed. Despite an ultimatum given prior to last season that travelling would be addressed, many players seem to get anywhere from 3-5 steps without dribbling the basketball without a violation being called, even though the rule book explicitly states 2 steps are the maximum allowed. I also find it rather discouraging that certain players seem to garner preferential treatmeant on a consistent basis. It should not matter if the player is a superstar or a bench warmer, consistency in foul calls would be a welcome addition to your officiating repertoire.

I know there has been a great deal of confusion for a number of years concerning what constitutes a block/charge call. I understand this is actually one of the more difficult calls to make in the game, but all we as fans as for is consistency. If you are going to let players slide in under an airborne player and have it be a charge, so be it. Just ensure that is the same call you will make during a pivotal moment in the fourth quarter rather than flip flopping like a politician. The same policy would be much appreciated with regards to touch fouls/handchecks. If the game is proceeding as a normal game should, why should players be penalized for merely making the slightest of contact with a player? However, do feel welcome to change this policy if the game is becoming particularly rough and tumble.

This would have been particularly helpful back in December of 2002, when the Celtics played the Suns and Amare Stoudemire exerted considerable force against Paul Pierce while Mr. Pierce was airborne. No foul was called on the play, and Paul needed significant dental work done following the game. I do not imply a foul call would have prevented his need for a root cannal, but it would have been appreciated, as well as prevented Tommy Heihnson from almost having a brain aneurysm. Attached is a video documenting this non-call (The section of the clip of interest is 0:36-0:42. You may watch the rest if you wish.) In the future, I hope to see an improved performance because I do enjoy the game of basketball, but the current interpretation of the rules on the part of the officials leaves much to be desired.




Sincerely,
A Rational Person

RANT TIME!!!

Dear Incompetent Fucktards

I waited through months of uncertainty, collective bargaining (edit: the owners holding the players balls to the fire to sign a deal that gives these billionaires EVEN MORE money) and the potential heart break of losing a complete season of my professional favorite sport. It looks like my thought process was idealistic to the point of sheer idiocy to think that, in the face of losing an entire season of work, you might step up your game to ensure the compressed season is enjoyable. Holy fuck, was I wrong. You guys, within minutes of the games on Christmas commencing, made me realize how very much I despise the small modicum of power you have but how flagrantly you abuse it. I'm pretty sure NFL players put the ball on the floor more often than NBA players going to the hoop. Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox guys, seriously? You are going to tell me that Derrick Rose can catch the ball at half court and get to the basket with only one dribble? I don't have the scientific date or any fancy calculations, but my eyes and sense of logics can tell me thats definitely bullshit. These guys get TWO steps (yes they are large steps, but the number they are allowed to take doesn't change.) Counting is a skill most of us fucking master by kindergarten, you should probably utilize it once in a while.

Additionally, this "Superstar" treatment horse shit needs to cease and desist immediately. I do not give two fucks if Kevin Durant or Darko Milicic is going to the hoop. If there is enough contact, call a fucking foul. If there isn't, let them play on. I am sick and tired of watching superstars glide through the lane, have a player brush their elbow on the way by while said superstar misses the shot, only to be bailed out by a "oh wait, shit, this guy is important, lets get him to the line." I know David Stern needs as much positive mojo these days as possible given the utter fuck up of the Chris Paul deal, but angering numerous fan bases due to "special treatment" doesn't seem like the optimal way to go about it. Hell, I'll be the first to admit, refs are starting to give these calls to Rajon Rondo due to his falling down or flailing his head back whenever he gets touched. It pisses me off because calling fouls for these acting jobs only reinforces players tendency to repeat this fucking obnoxious behavior. Nut the hell up, and make calls consistent based on what's happening in the game, not what the name on the back of the jersey happens to be.

You know what guys? I'll even throw you a partial bone here, even though you have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. If you are going to suck miserably at your profession without repurcussion, at least BE CONSISTENT. For the love of christ, nothing is more fucking frustrating than letting guys handcheck and bump each other for 3 quarters, 11 minutes and 40 seconds, only to suddenly decide that Darren Collison lightly resting his palm on Deron Willams's wrist deserves a crucial foul call. The same goes with block/charge calls. If you are going to let these guys barrel down the lane like an NFL gunner trying to take off someones head and crucify the defensive player, DO IT EVERYTIME. It's bullshit, but at least it would be bullshit going each way. It's the same as a baseball umpire having a wide or a tight strike zone. If you are calling the outside strike from inning 1 to inning 9, then the onus is on the players to adjust to the way the game is being called, since the playing field is even. But when a strike 2 inches off the plate becomes a ball in the 8th inning with 2 outs and the bases loaded, thats when people get justifiably pissed off.

Lastly, I have a special section devotely solely to spewing a venemous castigation of the SINGLE worst official in any of the major four sports in the country: Joey motherfucking Crawford. Not only does this guy consistently make awful calls at crucial moments (See: Christmas Day, when Marquis Daniels had a beautiful steal when he poked the ball away from Carmelo Anthony down the stretch, but Crawford, since he was cattering to Anthony all fucking game anyway, gave him a foul call because Anthony tripped to appear as if his arm was hit. Simply horrendous) but the man remains to this day resolutely and steadfastly unaccountable for anything he calls. A player cannot so much as ask, "What did i do?" without the angry sweaty bald bastard slapping the player with a technical before he can finish his sentence. It wouldn't matter if the Dalai Lama himself politely asked Crawford the time of day, Joey would justify his callous demeanor and absurd interpretation of basketball rules in same insanely batshit manner: Roar threats and/or feign the loss of your sense of hearing until all dissent has been stifled. Crawford is an asshole, an awful official, and the owner of perhaps the worst call in basketball history, which says alot given that the rest of the fuckwads parading as officials are only slightly less terrible than Crawford. See visual evidence below



Signed
Every Single Basketball Fan

Partial List of Shit I Hate (In No Particular Order)

Yeah, I know it's supposed to be the Holiday Season which arbitrarily means people pretend to be nice to another to solicit better gifts from their peers, but I'm more genuine than that. I'm sarcastic and cynical all year long baby, Christmas isn't stopping this train of negativity. Since I was coming up short on blog topics, and my friends at school were commenting on my remarkable ability to dislike almost everything, I decided to compile a partial list of the facets of existence I find most displeasing to me. I made the bold assertion to them I'd come up with 1000, which probably won't happen because I'll either get bored or run out of ideas and steal other peoples. So, here's part one of shit I hate, enjoy.


1.) B.C The Comic Strip- Caveman humor isn’t fucking funny, neither is their over reliance on puns.
2.) Healthy Choice Soup- Take out the sodium and flavor of regular canned soup and you get this watery piss that is a sorry excuse for a substitute
3.) 100 Calorie Snack Packs- When I want Dorritos, I don’t want 3.5 chips so I can watch my fucking waistline, I want a whole bag because they taste delicious and I don’t give a fuck about my inevitable weight gain
4.) Kobe Bryant- I have a particular distaste both for Lakers players and rapists, so he “wins” twice
5.) Old Nicktoons Not Being in a Basic Cable Package- Give me my fucking childhood memories. You take my money, happiness, and time from me Comcast, can’t you throw me a bone here?
6.) Cold Kitchen Tiles- No one likes starting their day with freezing feet
7.) People who Bitch I Drink Bottled Water- It’s a free fucking country, I am free to let myself be scammed if I so please, the environment be damned.
8.) The Fourth Kind- one of the worst movies I have ever seen, do not watch it, it will make you angry. In no way scary or believable.
9.) “My Kid is an Honor Student” Bumper Stickers- You should also add a “I have poor self image so I need to vicariously live through my child’s accomplishments” sticker as well.
10.) Diet Fads- There is no fucking miracle secret to weight loss, housewives of America. Eat less, move more for a while. It’s that simple.
11.) Christmas Classics Remixed into ‘House’ Music- *shakes head sadly* My generation has fucked up a lot of things, this might be the one that makes me most sad.
12.) Ben Roethlisberger- See #4, just replace “Lakers” with “Steelers”
13.) The New York Yankees- I could cop out and give each one a reason, but they don’t deserve that much space on MY list. Fuck all of them, especially A-Rod.
14.) Waiting in Traffic- Traffic prevents me from doing what I want to be doing, which is NOT waiting in traffic.
15.) Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans- A vile blight upon the world of candy, it shouldn’t exist.
16.) Nickelback- Chad Kroeger and Co. whining about god knows what while playing the same power chords over and over again is utter garbage. He’s Canadian too, so he sucks even more.
17.) People who add “Lol” at the end of a text message- You didn’t laugh, you put that there for no reason.
18.) People who respond to the one word text message- If I send you a “k” or “word,” our conversation is over. Don’t keep talking to me, I’ve moved onto better things.
19.) Fat Chicks who wear thongs- Gross, leave that garment to the good looking girls
20.) Fat Chicks in general- Gross, please remove yourself from my line of sight
21.) Starbucks Coffee Size System- I get it, you’re trendy and a reasonably upscale coffee place, but on the rare instances that I am even in Starbucks, give me a fucking small coffee when I ask, don’t make me say “tall” asshole.
22.) Having all Vowels in “Words with Friends”- What the fuck am I supposed to do with 2 A’s, 3 E’s, 1 O, and 1 U, besides angrily throw my phone at the couch?
23.) High Beam Tailgaters- We are the only two cars on the road, do you really need to have your Chevy Silverado halfway up my ass with the flood lights on dickhead?
24.) Public School Lunch- A disgusting collecting of whatever the ladies in the kitchen scraped off the floor and threw in the blender that day.
25.) Piss Mist on the Toilet Seat- Im not talkin’ drops of urine you can see and get rid of, even if it sucks. Piss mist is so fine you don’t realize it’s there until you have settled in, then realized your ass cheeks are moist. Awful.
26.) Mosquitos- Can’t even detect them until you hear that high pitched frequency buzz, but by then its too late: you have an itch that never goes away.
27.) Leaving a pen in your pants pocket through the laundry process- I do this all the time, but it doesn’t prevent me from getting pissed off at the machines, even though its my fault.
28.) Abercrombie and Fitch Stores- The clothes are fine, but the stores smell like someone hosed the hole place down in Axe body spray, all while blaring pop music so loud it makes your ears gush blood. Disgusting.
29.) MySpace- Only pedophiles use this anymore right?
30.) Dan Shaughnessy- Made a career off of hating the team’s he is supposed to cover and willingly defiles anyone in the name of sustaining his alcoholic tendencies. Epitome of a hack.
31.) Chicks who get mad when guys look at their exposed cleavage- IT DIDN’T HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT, YOU PUT IT THERE! It’s like telling little kids not to look at animals at the zoo. Bitches.
32.) Little Kids on Xbox Live- Whiny, over emotional little pricks who ruin my happy time by screaming obscenetities about how awesomely they killed me. I take solace knowing these kids are all getting beat up at their respective schools
33.) Never Wears a Shirt Guy- It could be while playing an acoustic while in the quad or walking around the freshman dorm, the message is still the same: “Im a douche, I just don’t know it yet.”
34.) CatDog- Always watched the show, never enjoyed it. Took me until now to realize this show actually sucked.
35.) Conversation with Any Customer Service Representative- Take me, multiply my level of animosity towards humankind/existence by 1000, then give these people a small modicum of power and tell them their job is to assist other people. Result: Everyone loses.
36.) Hairy Backed Men at the Beach- I go to the beach to relax and enjoy myself, not see a sweaty, heart-attack-waiting- to-happen flaunt his self made back carpet off. There is no way you don’t know you have a throw rug on your back.
37.) Parades- These are fun when you are like 7 years old and the loud noises are a welcome distraction since you have no attention span. Now? It’s just a fucking massive traffic issue in the name of watching people walk in an orderly manner under some unifying theme.
38.) Cleaning up Puke- I’ve dealt with a lot of gross substances in my day, but puke is the absolute worst. The consistency makes it impossible to clean up in any effective way and the smell is REPUGNANT, making me want to puke myself.
39.) Cold Water Showers- I have no idea why people even bathed until there was hot water. It feels like icy knives are being shoved through every pore in your body. I’d rather smell like stale sweat and yesterday’s dinner that I spilled on myself than take a cold shower.
40.) People who call you, you miss the call, then they don’t pick up when you call right back- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! What did you do in the 5 seconds between it being absolutely vital to talk to me and deciding that it wasn’t worth it after all? I hope you stubbed your toe or some other sort of minor inconvenience, because it would make me feel better.

I Refuse to Use Any Website that Doesn't List "United States" First in its Drop Down Box

What the shit is this, right? What kind of website has a country selection page where "United States" isn't the first selection in a drop down box? Does the President know about this?  Are we now, as Americans, second class citizens like all the rest of the world?

I'll be damned if this is how its going to be from here on out, I didn't work hard to be born in the best country in the free world, just have to have to scan through a shmorgasboard of Gambia's, Cape Verde's, Angola's, and Qatar's just to find my country. That shit is for suckers. Suckers that used to be the rest of the world.

If we allow this to happen, whats next?  We can't allow this. It's a slippery slope, one second you're living in the number one country in the world, so beloved that websites everywhere decide your national standing supercedes the laws of Alphabetical order, the next we're placed on an equal playing field with the rest of the world, forced to drive Prius's, gym classes are cancelled forever, and the people behind the "Happy Holiday's" movement are winning.

No, I will not stand for this kind of mockery. Just like we as a country banded together back in 2001 to unilaterally re-brand French Fries, "Freedom Fries," we need to take a stand and boycott any and all websites in the far reaches of the world wide web that choose to dispute our standing as dominant global leaders, and head internet trolls.

Chris Paul Traded to the Lak….Wait, NBA Blocks Trade Under New “David Stern Can do Whatever the Fuck he Wants” Clause

Believe me CP3, I don't get it either.

Never fear Alt Tabbers, even without our valiant leader CW's sarcastic take on the daily news on this Friday, I am here to provide at least some distraction from your day in the form of another sports rant, my specialty. Yesterday night, ESPN Breaking news ticker at the bottom of the screen (“breaking news” in ESPN speak usually just means a relevant news tidbit that isn’t about the Heat/ Undefeated Packers/ Brett Favre) sent shockwaves through the entire league, with Chris Paul involved a three team deal sending him to the Celtics arch nemesis, the Lakers, with the writing on the wall pretty evident for additional moves to be made to bring in Dwight Howard. The players involved were either very good or solid and from my perspective, seemed like a reasonable deal for each team with an appropriate degree of positives and negatives. Paul goes to the Lakers to pair his superios point guard abilities with the last of what’s in the tank for Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol goes to the Rockets as essentially Yao Ming’s replacement on a smaller scale, and New Orleans nets a reasonably good haul of talent in Luis Scola (solid scorer and rebounder), Kevin Martin (lethal scorer when healthy) Lamar Odom (despite my dislike for him on many levels, an immensely versatile power forward) and Goran Dragic (young point guard with ability), especially considering Paul had drastically reduced the Hornets trade leverage by publicly stating he would not sign an extension with the team. Yet each team had a degree of risk as well, with the Lakers losing much of their interior defense and resting their hopes on Andrew “Made of Glass” Bynum staying healthy, the Rockets losing a great role player and depth in Scola, and New Orleans has to bring in solid players at the expense of the face of their franchise. All in all, a reasonable trade, right? Enter David “God Complex” Stern (In case you didn’t notice, I really enjoy giving people fake middle names that accentuate either their positive or (mostly) negative attributes.

Yet almost as soon as this deal was consummated, it was just as quickly annihilated by the NBA for “basketball reasons” What in the hell kind of cop of horse shit excuse is that? But hey, if you don’t have a valid foundation for your actions, vague terminology is the way to go. If anything, I would have thought Stern was giggling like a school girl as Paul was shipped to one of the biggest basketball markets in the country, then snuck into Otis Smith’s house with a revolver pressed to his head and demanded that he ship Howard out West for some type of Andrew Bynum/Steve Blake/Other garbage player that meets the salary requirements for a trade. Instead, Stern pulled a complete (to my utter surprise) 180 on this one, despite the precedent of superstars, after bitching or pining to be moved, being traded for quality players just last season (The Deron Williams/Carmelo Anthony deals both netted the superstars former teams effective talent or potential big players, like Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, and Raymond Felton for the Nuggets and Derrick Favors, Devin Harris and TWO first round picks for the Jazz.)

Stern’s new crusade is apparently to create a more even playing field for all teams in the league and reverse the trend of large market teams dominating year in and year out (because this doesn’t happen in football and baseball…oh wait, it does) due to the formation of “superteams.” In nixing the deal, Stern has apparently sent the absurd message to the ENTIRE LEAGUE that no matter how well you have put together your team, however financially responsible you have been in constructing player contracts, if he does not like a particular transaction, he can arbitrarily rule it null and void. This an egregious policy that rivals current NFL contractual rules that allow agreements to be voided when a franchise decides a player isn’t playing up to their value. Now every single NBA franchise has to walk on eggshells when conducting any trade or signing a player, due to the threat of the Almighty Stern imposing his divine will and nullifying a team’s efforts to improve its ability to compete. I don’t buy his “we need to make the league more fair” argument for a second. Look no further than the SAN ANTONIO SPURS, who drafted well, scouted their players, assembled a roster through smarts and savvy despite not being in a “major” market. Oklahoma City is the current poster child of a small market team also succeeding in the current landscape among the Goliaths of the league. Small market teams, though no graced with the resources of larger markets, shouldn’t need to be catered to be the powers of the league to be competitive. They need to be shrewd, make smart choices, and not destroy themselves with crippling contracts (Example: Atlanta Hawks giving Joe Johnson 120 million dollars over 6 years will just reek of regret in a few years, even if doesn’t already)

This could very well be one of the worst decisions made by a commissioner of a professional sport in recent history. I say that without the slightest trace of sarcasm or hyperbole. Stern has demonstrated, with one single act of all encompassing self interested power, that he considers himself larger than the league he is supposed to be supporting the best interests of. And you know what? It is a damned shame that the league I love has had this immense shadow cast over it due to the overzealous emotional reaction of singularly powerful individual.

A Tribute to College: A Four Year Blur of Everything Good

College taught me a few things, but "alcohol consumption is fun" was the most vital lesson I ever learned

As my commander in chief so kindly pointed out (edit: bluntly stated) my life is about to undergo a significant transformation. In only a few short hours, gone will be the days of playing Xbox with friends until the wee hours of the night fueled by nothing more than competitive drive to kill more people in Call of Duty and unhealthy levels of caffeine. No longer will I able to skip a class that I deem not important enough to my daily routine, since doing this in the real world apparently results in more severe repercussions beyond not learning whatever useless shit a professor slapped onto a hastily created PowerPoint presentation.

I had a rather cozy view of life beyond college, that I would be able to maintain my recklessly irresponsible lifestyle while maintaining a job that didn't suck the very soul from my body on a daily basis, but as CW aptly points out, as well as the rest of the 20 somethings I know who are festering in a cubicle based, Microsoft Outlook powered prison, this is idealistic to the point of insanity. Very shortly, I will be forced to complete tasks I don't want to do for people I don't like at a speed that is too fast for me. This goes against everything I was taught over the past 4 years, which was that you can do your work in whatever fashion you deemed most acceptable and if you choose to give a fuck about it, good for you. Hell, cracking a beer (or 10) while doing schoolwork wasn't just possible, it was openly encouraged.

Despite the inevitable stranglehold corporate America will have over every facet of my well being, and a blog entry dedicated to how much my life will blow in just a few short weeks/months (time span depends on my ability/luck in finding a real job) I would rather reflect in a positive manner on the good times that college gave me, because as I was told by my elders years ago, these most certainly were the greatest years of my life. I was able to lovingly adopt intramural sports as my competitive outlet, with each game pretending I was playing in a significant sports arena. Flag football became my proverbial situation for pretending I was in the NFL, juking and spinning like Adrian Peterson, only if AP were a white undergrad clumsily attempting athletic manuevers on teams fratboys and former high school "has beens".

People told me the "flexibility" of class schedules in college left you the time to pursue extra curricular activities that would help you in real life. "Flexibility" translated in Sean's language, was "doing whatever the fuck I felt like doing on a given day" 8 A.M. class I actually woke up for and went to? I rewarded myself with a nap. All those school clubs and organizations out in the quad asking me to do useful things for the school? Nah, I'd rather play pick up ball at the gym or snipe the evil Covenant bastards trying to invade Earth in Halo. Mid term tomorrow? Perfect time for a dorm floor war with Axe Body spray, and yes, this most definitely resulted in both the floor smelling like a high school locker room as well as our RA getting monumentally pissed off at everyone involved.

But most importantly, I learned about the immense social bonding power of a substance we all affectionately know as "alcohol." There was no better way to make friends or have a great time than with any variety of beverages. I learned how to play Beirut (and yes, its called fucking beirut. Beer Pong is played with paddles, the movie Beerfest proves this definitively. Jersey kids don't get this fact, and my school is infected with too many of them.) Alcohol was the great X factor that is the hallmark of a college experience. As a result of it, I have my fair share of stories that result in immense triumph and terrible, humiliating shame and you know what? It was all worth it, every single drunken, procrastinating, time wasting, academic slacking second I spent in college. If the rest of my life is going to be a mundane drag through monotonous adult tasks, then I will take solace in the fact that I had 4 awesome years of subsidized "higher education" to have the time of my life. Thank you college, You might be gone from my life, but I will never forget you. Well, I do forget significant portions of most weekends due to the over consumption of an aforementioned substance, but you get the point.

Despite Pussification of Current NFL Rules, Ndamukong Suh uses Thanksgiving to demonstrate What a “Dirty” Player is.

2 games isn't that bad, Ndamukong Suh. If you did that in public, it would be Assault and Battery.

I’ve had this discussion with friends and family members before, and I was always rebuffed with comments like, “He plays smash mouth football, its great somebody these days does.” Or “He’s a pass rusher dude, he’s supposed to play that way.” This is me standing on my soap box with a smug smile filled with satisfaction declaring emphatically, “I told you so.” Unless you are the least American person in the country and were not watching Packers vs Lions on Thanksgiving 2011, you bore witness to Mr. Suh, greatly offended when an offensive lineman touched his helmet, decided that an appropriate response to the situation was to spear his assailant (who was lying on the ground) in the bicep with his spikes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Roger Goodell, in his Napoleonic-like crusade to maintain player safety in an intrinsically violent sport, has massively pussified serious aspects of the sport. Pass rushers, like Suh, have to hit quarterbacks within .000125 seconds of them releasing the ball or get hit with a 15 yard “Roughing the Passer” bullshit call (As much as I love you, Tom Brady, this is partially your fault due to your irate gesticulations and furious berating of officials over the years every time anyone hit you in the pocket.) Members of any secondary cannot so much as fart near an opposing receiver without drawing some type of penalty (This one is 100 % Saint Dungy’s fault for his endless bitching that his receivers were “man-handled” AKA his team got their ass whooped in the 2004 AFC Title game.)

But as Albert Haynesworth 2.0…uh, I mean Ndamukong Suh proved on a national scale, his complete disregard for other player’s well-being and visceral reactions to contentious moments on the field have entrenched him in the “dirty” category of football players. His emphatic claims that his job is to “hurt people” are evidence of his misguided notion of what the job description of a defensive player in the NFL is supposed to entail. The objective, in my mind, of a defensive player is to prevent the offensive player/team from scoring. This can be done in any number of ways, including tackling the ball carrier, intercepting a pass, or forcing and recovering a fumble. At no point in any of those objectives is the deliberate sabotage of another player’s physical faculty included. Do injuries happen in the course of game? Yes, absolutely. I am not so deluded as to think that players should never get hurt during the course of an NFL game. These guys are the best athletes in the world and are hurling themselves at each other at top speed with unfathomable strength. The chances that something twists the wrong way are fairly high. And if this happens during the course of what a player is supposed to be doing, well, shit happens.

But a deliberate stomp with the sharpened metal end of your footwear onto a man’s unexposed arm? What if that had been his wrist and he went out for the rest of the regular season? An NFL player’s livelihood and ability to do his job is almost entirely dependent on his physical health, and absolutely no player has the right, Suh included, to purposefully and spitefully take that from another player regardless of the nature of the sport. I actually like Suh when he plays the game the right way. He has the strength of a bull elephant, and he plays with a tenacity matched by few others in the league these days. But at the same time, he has the unrestrained emotionality and petulant reasoning that plagues many immature players, and his most recent offense coupled with his past instances of placing an oversized toe over the line have firmly entrenched him, at least for me, within the realm of a “dirty player.” Whether Suh attempts to reform this image or embrace it and deal with the sanctions that this type of style typically brings from the league office is up to him. For now though, I’ll enjoy calling him “Stompin’ Suh” until I can come up with a funnier name for him (or someone else does, then I can shamelessly steal it and pretend it’s my own material.)

P.S This might be an Alt Tab first, but I made it through an entire rant without using the word "fuck." Well, until right there. In any case, props to me for being civil for at least one entry.

Ultimate Holiday Showdown- Thanksgiving vs. Christmas, Two holidays Enter, One leaves the Victo

Battle of the Ages: Who gain the crown of "Best Holiday?"

It truly is a fortunate situation that the last few months every year have set up for us everday normal folk. While the overall quality of the weather gets exponentially shittier and every female puts away every partially revealing piece of clothing to be replaced with Ugs and 15 layers of jackets and scarves, we are rewarded with two of the greatest holidays in the known universe: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Both of these events are first world celebrations of absolutely shameless overindulgence in everything that is good and joy-inducing in this life: material possessions, comfort food, and outright laziness on some arbitrary notion that we have accomplished deeds significant enough to warrant these treasures. However, each of these holidays has a number of dimensions that need to be considered, and after all is said and done, we will find out one of these holidays is actually superior to the other. Since I am in the business of solving these difficult issues, let’s hope right to it and see who wins this matchup based on our “Holiday Scorecard,” (But unlike the cards used in Manny Pacquaio’s most recent fight, this isn’t to facilitate the world’s biggest gambling event of all time, it’s just to prove a point.”

Overall Atmosphere:

Thanksgiving- Sadly, not much going with regards to a “feel” for this holiday. You obviously have maybe a few days off from work, and Thanksgiving serves as a wonderful trump card of getting out of your professional obligations. As a kid, it was fun to trace your hand and make a paper turkey or a pilgrim hat during art class (or in my case, ignore what I was supposed to be doing so I could dump Elmers glue all over my hands and peel it off once it dried. No one who did this can deny it was fun as hell, both for the activity itself and the anger induced brain aneurysm it gave the teacher.) But beyond cooking/raiding the supermarket for every piece of trans fat laden comfort food you can find, there’s a dearth of Thanksgiving atmosphere.

Christmas- Hands down winner on this front. You got the absolute works going here: sparkly decorations bedecking every building, the fresh smell of pine emanating from every corner of society, and the absolute auditory orgasm that is Christmas Music. Seriously, a straight month of absolute classic holiday tunes and catchy jingle bell laden music that makes even despondent murderous sociopaths feel warm and fuzzy inside (or maybe slightly less murderous. I wouldn’t know, I’m just a sarcastic asshole, not a fully blown sociopath.) Not to mention all the fantastic movies that took your imagination on a magical ride when you were a child. Even watching them now, like the perfect Christmas movie Elf, gives feel good, nostalgic vibes up the wazoo. Watching the snowflakes flutter gently outside while you sip hot cocoa listening to “Let it snow?” That’s as good as it fucking gets, you could make a postcard out of that scene, its truly that awesome.

Score- Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 0

Preparatory Work:

Thanksgiving- Since the ultimate theme of Thanksgiving is “Laziness/Gorge your face off until you want to Puke,” the preparatory work here is minimal to moderate at best. You get the opportunity to buy the tastiest treats that you don’t indulge in regularly if you have no inclination to do cooking of any sort. But if you are the ambitious type, you get to put on your best cooking face and bust out that perfect recipe you got from Grandma for mouth watering stuffing, sumptuous mashed potatoes, or that absolutely perfectly marinated, hormonally enhanced Turkey. After all that is out of the way, the rest you have to do is go into your closet and intentionally wear an outfit that is a couple sizes too big because after the 8 helpings of everything you inhale through your gullet, you will most certainly need the extra room.

Point goes to Thanksgiving on this one for having an amount of work that matches the theme of the holiday itself.

Christmas- As much fun as Christmas can be, the amount of work that needs to be put into this event is an absolute bitch. You have a billion presents to buy for people, some because you want to and others because of dumb fucking social/family obligations that make no sense to you (Just because my second cousin gets me something I hate every year DOES NOT mean I want to give him a DAMN THING), which often takes place in an angry mob pillaging (edit: shopping) every single mall in existence and drains your bank account in the process. Setting up lights outside has to be one of the most miserable experiences on the planet. Every single year without fail, even if they are brand fucking new, something will go wrong with them. Certain lights won’t work, it will set itself to “Twinkle” mode when you just want “Regular” with no way of switching them, or they will be tangled into a horrific knot ridden pile of misery and anger that takes every ounce of patience and finger dexterity to sort out. Throw in the additional suckitude of shoveling, finding a Christmas tree that isn’t fucked in some way (either structurally or because the owner of the tree farm realizes, once a year, he can price gouge the ever loving fuck out of everyone) and this dimension is a big time negative for Christmas.

Score: Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 1

The Day’s Events/ Post Game Wrap Up

Thanksgiving/Christmas- This is where it gets difficult, since there is a significant amount of overlap in what revelry is engaged in on both occasions, as well as this being the tiebreaker, so we’ll break both holidays down in this section. Both have sumptuous spreads of food with all manner of goodies ready for reckless consumption, though Christmas can often include a spiral ham with a heavy dosage of candy for good measure. Additionally, you get all kinds of material possessions (American dream, right? Having way more shit than you actually need) on Christmas morning which is just plain fantastic. However, after eating your face off on Thanksgiving, you have the god given right to watch football until you pass out into a food induced coma. No pretending you like the shitty gifts that your in-laws gave you, zero obligation to engage in any type of pointless banter. Just watch the most American sport to exist until you want to go to sleep. Then, Thanksgiving always gives you gifts that you will like: leftovers. All the delectable treats you wanted to eat, but couldn’t fit because your stomach was at the point of rupturing, YOU CAN SAVE FOR LATER. Your only duty following Thanksgiving is to ensure that you eat even more. Christmas requires an extensive amount of un-decorating everything after the fact and you have to find a diplomatic way of asking for the receipts for the awful gifts you didn’t want, instead of outright telling the person what they got you sucked. Return lines at retail outlets post Christmas are almost as bad as buying the shit in the first place because you know for a fact everyone is in that miserably long line for the sole reason of exchanging their unwanted crap for something useful to them. This one comes down to the wire, but I’m declaring by a slim margin Thanksgiving is the winner by technical knockout, despite a valiant effort by Christmas.

FINAL SCORE: Thanksgiving: 2 Christmas: 1

P.S. Since I was way too complimentary for most of this piece, I need something excessively negative to go out on, so here it is. Valentine’s Day is the worst fucking holiday of all time. It’s not even a holiday, it’s a made up bullshit excuse for people to increase the bottom line of Hallmark/florist/chocolate companies, while every couple everywhere instantly goes into panic mode because everyone’s notion of what is appropriate on that day is different. Fuck Valentines Day.

25 Worst Internet Passwords...How Haven't People Gotten the Hang of this Yet?

If “password” is your password, chances are you’ve been the victim of a hack attack. “Password” is the least successful, according to SplashData’s annual list of worst Internet passwords. SplashData created the rankings based on millions of stolen passwords posted online by hackers. Here is the complete list:

1. password

2. 123456

3.12345678

4. qwerty

5. abc123

6. monkey

7. 1234567

8. letmein

9. trustno1

10. dragon

11. baseball

12. 111111

13. iloveyou

14. master

15. sunshine

16. ashley

17. bailey

18. passw0rd

19. shadow

20. 123123

21. 654321

22. superman

23. qazwsx

24. michael

25. football

Serious question, what the hell is wrong with people? We're a month away from 2012, we use the internet for everything. Legit, yesterday I ordered a burrito online from Chipotle...When its to the point that we're ordering Mexican delicacies online, I think it's fair to say that the internet has become ubiquitous with everyday life (I have no idea if ubiquitous makes sense there, just wanted to make the blog sound smart). 

And yet people are still having problems coming up with and remembering passwords. It blows my mind. Like at work, do you know much time is lost daily to tards who can't remember their log in passwords and lock themselves out of various applications? Or how much time is lost daily by me listenting to these people call the IT support people and furiously muttering under my breath about how much time these people waste? Like forget about my internet useage at work, cut down on people forgetting their passwords and we'd save a fucking fortune. No need for that outsourced call center in Bombay, and no need for me to take a lap around the building because my blood pressure is boiling due to my irrational hatred of listening to people try to unlock their accounts over the phone.  

It's really simple, if an employee has to call down to IT more than 3x in their first 6 months, they're fired. No questions asked. All other employees, if you call more than 3x in any 6 month span, you're deducted 1 week pay.  It is ludicrous to me to think people qualified for a job in my particular field, are somehow also incapable of remembering 3-4 log in passwords. Save them to your frigen desktop for all I care, just stop forgetting them.

And that's without even touching upon the simpletons that are using passwords like "password," or "123456", or "letmein."  Really? You couldn't just use your birth date, or the street you grew up on like 90% of all the other people? If you're using any of the above dickhead passwords then you deserve to get hacked...Like if you go through a case of stolen identity and the investigators find out that your Visa.com password was "password," then they should just drop the case and tell you you're an idiot.

PS: One funny story about "password," actually...Old friend of the blog, Penny Packer (@he_pennypacker1) used to use "password" as his Facebook password. I say used to, because one day, yours truly, logged in as Penny, changed his photo to a crane (a nickname derived from his Beirut playing style), changed all his hobbies to crane related stuff, changed his password, and changed the e-mail address associated with the account, and then set up a fan page for all our friends...A couple weeks later when he figured the whole thing out I gave him all the new log in information, but the damage was done, Penny was never seen on Facebook again...just deleted his account and set off into the sunset...The moral of the story? That's what you get when you use a ridiculously obvious password.