Office Etiquette Tips: Food at a Meeting

We've all been there.  The early morning meeting with coffee/bagels/donuts, the luncheon with pizza and finger sandwiches, or the nooner w/ cookies, cake and pie.  When, what, and how much to eat can be a nightmare to navigate for some.  

Not me. I possess a curious level of self confidence in situations where I really have no business being so confident.  Maybe I'm just ignorant to situations where I should feel out of place, or maybe I'm really that much better than most, either way I'm here today to share some tips for navigating this little slice of corporate life.  As is my style, we're going to break this one down into three phases, When, What, and How Much.

When - Right away.  You want to set the pace and make everyone adjust to your strategy. You don't want to be the guy caught on his heels and then proceed to hold up the meeting as everyone is waiting for you to finish fixing your plate.  Bosses want to see aggressive, proactive people.  Even if you're dumb as shit and suck at your job this is your time to shine.  Girls need to be even more aggressive.  Despite all the progress you've made the power balance still generally tips towards men in the office.  You need to get in their and mix it up early to show you can hang with the swinging dicks of the office.

What - There's two schools of thought here. 1) Similar to a business luncheon at a restaurant, just get whatever you see your boss getting.  Tried and true method, nothing flashy, just a safe play.  2) Pick the best, most self indulging option.  Shows no fear.  You know what you want and you're going to get it.  Will impress your higher-ups and intimidate your peers. I prefer this route if you have upward aspirations. 

How Much - There's a bit of a double standard here, I'm not going to apologize for it, its just the way it is.  Girls, too often you make the mistake of not eating, this shows meekness and a lack of self confidence. We will not think you're fat if you grab a plate with the rest of us.  We will think you're fat if you grab a second helping though, so make sure you grab everything you want the first time through. I don't make the rules, its just the way it is, don't kill the messenger.  Guys, it comes back to aggressiveness.  If everyone's gotten their first round feel free to go up for seconds.  Only rule at play here is you must avoid the food coma.  No one in history has ever been promoted after needing to be rolled out of a meeting while drooling on themselves. 

The only hiccup you could run into is the rare situation when corporate decides to serve up ethnic foods.  If you can stomach it, follow the rules above.  If ethnic foods wreak havoc on your digestive system then claim heartburn.  In my experience any other excuse comes off racist. 

That's it, that should cover just about any situation you run into. You're on your own from here.

The Rent is Too Damn High

I'm not sure how this guy isn't the governor of New York right now.  NY doesn't want him that's their loss, come on up to Boston, The Rent is Too Damn High here too.  Say what you want, he's a lunatic, looks homeless (probably due to rent that was too damn high), or that he's a loose cannon.  But just make sure you're not saying it to his face, he's a karate expert.  

If there was a way to get Phil Davison on the TRITDH (The Rent Is Too Damn High) party ticket these guys could make a run at the White House together. Of course the rent is probably too damn high there too.

Generation of Nincompoops

Before some asshole points out that this article's been around for a few weeks now, know that I realize this.  I've been busy, running a blogging empire third world country is time consuming.

NEW YORK—Second-graders who can't tie shoes or zip jackets. Four-year-olds in Pull-Ups diapers. Five-year-olds in strollers. Teens and preteens befuddled by can openers and ice-cube trays. College kids who've never done laundry, taken a bus alone or addressed an envelope...Mark Bauerlein, author of the best-selling book "The Dumbest Generation," which contends that cyberculture is turning young people into know-nothings, says "the absence of technology" confuses kids faced with simple mechanical tasks. But Bauerlein says there's a second factor: "a loss of independence and a loss of initiative." He says that growing up with cell phones and Google means kids don't have to figure things out or solve problems any more. They can look up what they need online or call mom or dad for step-by-step instructions. 

Cut the shit you old bag.  When's the last time you took up some of your grandparents daily chores?  Churned butter or skinned a chicken lately?  How about fiddling with the antenna to pick up tv reception, or getting up and manually changing the channel?  I'm pretty sure you didn't dust off the old typewriter for your article either, and you can't be happy at all that your cranky old lady rantings were published on the world wide web instead of in print.  And complaining about Pull-Ups?  Would you rather be rinsing your grandkids shit out of cotton underwear?

If kids really don't understand how an ice cube tray or can opener work then I blame their lazy parents.  But everything else in this article is just your typical run of the mill rantings from a cranky old person who is quickly realizing how useless their skills are in today's society. 

Look, I don't blame you for giving up on keeping up with all the worlds advances, there's a lot going on.  But if you've reached the point where you've decided to give up on life then spare us your verbal diarrhea and fade into Bolivia.  Yes we grew up with cell phones and that mysterious google thing.  So no, we don't need to carry around personal contact books and rolls of quarters to get in touch with people, or waste hours reading crappy instruction manuals when we need to solve a problem.  If you feel like wasting your time on these unnecessary tasks go right ahead. While you're at it why don't you hand wash my laundry.

Your life was more efficient and advanced than your parents, its the same for us.  Now excuse me, my Pull-Up needs changing.