Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 3 weeks of “Foo’BAWL!!!”

Like every NFL season, the 2011-2012 version has brought us some great headlines, surprising side stories, and the head scratchingly bizarre.  Some of this stuff most of us will claim we saw coming, other events are completely out of left field, but all of them are part of my Quick Slants: Weeks 1-3 edition.  Instead of doing a specifically tailored dissection of one game, I’ll just give a bunch of short observation’s I’ve had of the NFL landscape every few weeks, to keep it fresh and interesting (translation: so that I don’t have to write/you don’t have to read a 1200 word post when this is so much easier.)  With that, off we go

*The New England Patriots literally look like a carbon copy of the 2004-2005 Phoenix Suns:  One half absolutely ridiculous, perfectly paced offense that can stack up points so fast the scoreboard can’t even keep track like the DDR showdown from Grandma's Boy; one half tissue paper thin defense with more holes in it than Sonny Corleone’s body does after the tollbooth scene in The Godfather.

*The Oakland Raiders, after going through many treatments, have finally seemed to have recovered from the suckitude that the malignant disease “JeMarcus Russell-it is” left them with for years.  We are looking at a team that, had they been able to stem a late surge by the Bills, that could be 3-0 right now.  Holy shit.  I am looking at that right, the Raiders?? Yeah…I am.  Plenty of season for them to mess it up, but at least they look like a decent football team so far.  Darren McFadden is transforming into a top tier running back with every passing week.  Oh, and they also have a walking potential felony in their drunk ass kicker Sebastian Janikowski, who just so happens to also had a right leg made of titanium as he makes 50 yard field goals all day.  Fun all around with this group

*I can’t help but wonder if Adrian Peterson just signed his way into being “Barry Sanders 2.0.”  Not in terms of production; Barry, in my opinion, was the best running back to ever play the game.  But in signing a 7 year, 100 million dollar deal, he’s essentially locked himself into a losing franchise that frankly doesn’t have much going on besides him.  McNabb is completely and utterly cooked, Leslie Frazier is making fans pine for Brad Childress (maybe not, Childress was truly awful) and can’t force a turnover for their lives.  Oh, and they’ve been outscored 67-6 in the second half of their games.  If Adrian signed for the money, good move.  If he signed to be on a winning club….yikes.

*Who in the hell saw the Buffalo Bills being the only team left in the AFC going 3-0??  The proverbial walking joke of the past 5 to 10 seasons, a group of football based futility that if you saw on your favorite teams schedule, you instantly penciled your team in for a win?  Yeah, not happening this year.  Ryan Fitzpatrick is absolutely GUNNING.  He has a competent receiving core in Stevie Johnson, Donald Jones, and David Nelson.  Fred Jackson, long an under rated back, is tearing through defenses with reckless abandon.  That being said, in way am I penciling the Bills for a Superbowl Birth simply on their early success.  They still have a truly AWFUL defense that struggles particularly against the run.  It will be tough for them to win games if their offense fizzles at all.  (NOTE: Did anyone see the dwarf athletic trainers the Bills had during the Aaron Willams injury this past Sunday?  Dude is living proof that Gimli and his kin aren’t just mythical beings of Middle Earth. Linky goodness here)

*The NFC west is absolutely terrible.  In other fascinating news, the sun rose still in the East and set in the West today. (I’d like to take this opportunity to give Frank Gore the middle finger.  You’re one of the main reasons my Yahoo fantasy team sucks.  Thanks, ass)

*The Eagles, despite the constant media blow jobs they received upon signing all these amazing Pro Bowl players, are 1-2 due to a secondary that apparently skipped the section of camp where they learned how to tackle, an offensive line more porous than a sponge, and their premier quarterback’s propensity to dangerously run out of the pocket has caused him to suffer a concussion and a broken hand in back to back weeks.  Just another sign that hype and NFL “analysts” (edit: meathead dumbfucks who used to play football, so they think they are intelligent) anointing you as the team to beat in preseason means absolutely dick.

*In a really pleasant turn of events, the Detroit Lions are 3-0 and look every bit as talented as they have been touted.  It’s taken a few years for all the pieces to assemble and Matthew Stafford to stay healthy, but I can’t help but love this team.  Maybe it’s partially out of my affection for Barry Sanders, maybe I can sympathize with a city that has had next to nothing sports related to root for in years.  But these guys are awesome on both sides of the ball.  Stafford can sling it like a boss and Calvin Johnson (aptly named Megatron) is a freak in a league where wide receivers are already freakishly athletic human beings.  Ndamukong Suh and Kyle Vandenbosch are a TWO MAN pass rush.  Just awesome shit to watch, and I actually hope it continues (if for no other reason than to justify having them play every thanksgiving.  This year they might actually…play a competitive game?!? I didn’t think Thanksgiving could get any better.)

Childbride Courtney Stodden Getting A Reality Show

Fox 411- Courtney Stodden is the 17-year-old girl who married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison … when she was 16. They announced Wednesday that they have been snapped up to film a reality show. “They are going to be very, very open about their lives,” Courtney’s mom told RadarOnline.com. “They want everybody to see their life. Nothing is off limits.”

I'm delighted and horrified all at the same time...let me say this first, this girl is going to be a train wreck. Part Jessica Simpson, part Anna Nicole Smith watching her struggle to comprehend simple daily tasks like how to turn on the hot water knob in the shower, how to order food at a drive through, and how to chew gum and walk at the same time is going to be fantastic...That said, this girl is going to be a train wreck and we might have a legitimate chance at seeing someone die on camera during a reality show for the first time. Whether it's by some kind of crazy murder suicide pact, or when she accidentally catches her extensions on fire attempting to cook Mac & Cheese for the first time, this has a real chance of happening.

On another note, Courtney's twitter stream is an absolute must read...It's like she's walking around with some kind of Erotic Novel Writers Thesaurus all day. Just cramming an assortment of sultry adjectives together to some how form a confusing, semi-erotic 140 character message, for example:

Had a beautifully busy day today, all based around my HOT & upcoming reality show! Are you all ready for it?

Lickin a sucker as I boisterously bounce UP & down on the bed while drenched in a soak ‘n wet white mini-T & pink panties; Feelin Dangerous!

Had a bodily breakfast in bed this morning; It was so tasteful… Just like sweet syrupy pancakes completed with a lush creamy filling. Yum!

Sweetly fetching a tasty bone to my precious lil’ pink pooch Bazaar out back, as the sultriness of the day gently begins to heighten. Mmm…

I am going to get drilled today… & I’ll keep my mouth open the entire time. I’ll be a good girl… I promise. Mmm… I LOVE the Dentist!

Maybe you wanna hire a personal tweeter, preferably someone that can form coherent sentences.

Husband Blames Internet History on Some Sort of Porn Hackers

EDMONTON, AB—Local husband and father of two, Richard Poitras, 42, announced today that there is a perfectly logical explanation for the long list of raunchy Google searches that recently appeared out of nowhere on his internet browser’s search history. In a response to questioning from his wife, which began yesterday, Poitras said, “Listen, I’m no computer whiz, but I think I have an idea how this could have happened.” He went on to describe a spam email he vaguely remembers opening, completely on accident. “That email must have linked my system up with some kind of hacker.” When asked why a computer hacker would take the time to plant “anal ass butt female” into his search history, Poitras responded, “I’ve thought about that, and it makes no sense to me, either.” “People spend their time doing strange things these days,” he added. Poitras immediately took his laptop back from his wife and initiated an anti-virus scan. He says he has learned his lesson about being careful when clicking through his emails. 

Nice try buddy, nice try. Unless you're still rocking AOL 5.0 there's just no way that story is true. No one's gotten unfiltered porn e-mails since 'Nam. That's just a ridiculous excuse, hackers ruining peoples relationships with key words like anal ass butt female and booty popping, like they've got nothing better to do. Haven't you seen the movie Hackers? They've got to save the world from evil heads of corporations and something to do with an oil tanker of some sort (I can't remember, it was a confusing plot, somehow they used their laptops connected to payphones, you tell me how the hell that worked). 

But as an aside, congrats on having the single dumbest wife alive, if this were to be true. If she'll buy excuses like Anal Porn Viruses then she's definitely a keeper.

Canada Airbrushing God Given Boobs of Elected Government Officials

HuffPo - It was brought to our attention yesterday by Contrarian, a Canadian political blog, that rising member of the Canadian parliament Rathika Sitsabaiesan has undergone some quite obvious Photoshopping. When searched via Google Image, Rathika Sitsabaiesan's name turned up a headshot of her smiling for the camera wearing a white scoop-neck top and a green necklace with a bit of cleavage -- not Christina Hendricks levels, just the average amount for a larger-chested woman. But Contrarian found that the exact same image appears on Sitsabaiesan's formal Member of Parliament Profile on the Parliament of Canada website -- sans cleavage. See the two pictured below. Is this just innocuous touching-up in the name of appropriateness... or messing with someone else's body unnecessarily? 

So in the land of Canada, Cleavage: Bad, Hermaphrodites: Good? Is that right? Because that picture there on theright is an Indian He-She if I've ever seen one. Looks like Fez from That 70's Show with a wig on. 

I just don't get Canadians, do they fear boobs aren't conducive to legislating? Hasn't America proven that you can be taken seriously as an elected official with a nice pair of jugs? I mean, look at Sarah Palin, everyone respects her and her hooters, right?

Boston Has A West End? News To Me.

BostInnovation - Most Bostonians are familiar with the city’s neighborhoods: the North End is Boston’s take on Little Italy, Cambridge houses the smartypants from MIT and Harvard, Allston is the Hub’s hipster hangout and Charlestown is for yuppies and bank robbers. But what is the West End? Where are its boundaries? Who lives there? Even native Bostonians have trouble answering these questions. Wikipedia defines the West End as the neighborhood bounded by Cambridge Street to the south, the Charles River to the west and northwest, North Washington Street on the north and New Sudbury Street on the east. Essentially, the MGH campus. However, others would argue the West End also includes TD Garden and its numerous sports bars. The only thing I know about the neighborhood is that a few of my friends live in a luxury high rise in the West End...Still confused? Us too. Today, the controversial Urban Renewal of the 20th century still leaves many longing for the good ole days. For example, take Yasmin McCarthy and Jimmy Guzman, co-creators of the community group SoCA...they’ve decided to draw artists back to the West End by giving the entire area a new name. Dubbing it “South of Canal Street,” or SoCA for short,

Wait, wait, wait...Boston has a West End? What? I'm going to be honest, for years my friends and I have struggled with what to call that area, generally referring to it as the Garden area, "those bars by Canal and Friend Street," and one particular friend who steadfastly believes it's a part of the North End, despite everyone he knows telling him otherwise.  So if we want to clear this up and just call it the West End once and for all, I'm all for it, I just feel like maybe a full page ad in the Globe should be taken out, just so everyone's on board and there's no more confusion (and I'll hand deliver a copy of that paper to my geographically confused friend as final proof).

That said, I will not be calling it SoCA. That's just about the most-unoriginal and hack-y name I've ever heard, just edging out SoWa. I thought artistic people were supposed to be creative? How come everytime an "artistic" neighborhood in Boston springs up, the first thing the hipsters rush to do is name the neighborhood after SoHo in New York? Really? You've got nothing better? West End isn't trendy enough? It's a brand new name, like I'm guaranteeing 70% of Boston'ers have no idea where the West End is. That's trendy! Do we really have to copy NY, again?

If that's the case, and you really want to go with an acronym, go with WeGa (West of Greenway, pronounced We Gay). It reflects the geographical area and the refusal to come up with any sort of original naming acronym, in favor of just succumbing to the cities inferiority complex when it comes to all things NY.

Dr. Jack: It's More Like "How I Was a Douche and Still Somehow Landed Your Mother"

I’ve been a fan of “How I Met Your Mother” for a long time. It’s been the only show I’ve liked on CBS for years and I’m usually one of its biggest supporters. But what the hell is going on with this season?

The show was granted two more seasons at the end of last year. My understanding was this would allow for more direct storytelling about Ted finally meeting the mother. However, the first two episodes appear to set up a season long arc focusing on who will Barney marry? I know we’ve been told Ted meets the Mother at this wedding, but we probably won’t see that until the season finale (and that’s not even guaranteed). So for those most interested in getting a peak at the mom, this season of HIMYM has essentially turned into a NBA game where you only really need to watch the final two minutes of the 4^th Quarter.

Luckily for me, I am not resigned to only caring about whom the Mother is and hopefully will enjoy this season’s batch of episodes. At least I thought that before watching the debacle last night as the episode focused on two things: Barney wanting to feel one of his best friend’s wife’s boobs and Ted trying to break up an impending marriage.  Um, WHAT?

Let’s start with Ted. It’s been written many times before by other writers that Ted does some exceedingly unlikeable things for a character who is supposed to be the “hero”. He’s kind of a douchebag in how pretentious he is and often doesn’t seem like someone you’d want to spend time with. Those personality defects are almost forgivable and you could still kind of root for him to find the relationship he so badly wants. Then last season he breaks up Zoey and the Captain’s marriage and last night he tries to get Victoria to not get engaged to Claus. How are those actions of someone who values the love between two people so highly? Instead the writers have made Ted a homewrecker who only cares about how people relate to his quest for love, not how he affects their lives or future. Why would I want to see how he finally finds the woman of his dreams when he’s acting like this in the process?

Victoria also says at the end of the episode her and Ted’s relationship didn’t work out because of Robin. Now, we’ve been down this road MULTIPLE times before. Robin is not the Mother, so honestly I don’t care about her in regards to Ted. Again, they’ve set this season up to be about Barney and Robin and will she be the bride. It seems like shoehorning Ted into this equation is just a way to make the main character (who sucks because they write him that way) still a big part of the show. Plus, as CW and I just discussed, if the ending was foreshadowing to the group splitting up because of Robin then I might just stop watching right now. I watch this show because I like seeing these people interact with one another, if that stops, what keeps me tuning in?

Finally, while I enjoyed the idea of Barney’s mind games with Marshall and Lilly, the terms of the bet were ridiculously creepy and weird. Barney is a sexual deviant, we all know this. However, there’s always been the idea (at least to me) that some things were off limits. I find it difficult to believe the same guy who flew to San Francisco to tell Lilly to return to New York and Marshall would then years later try and touch her boobs. This just seems way over the line and I don’t see how a normal group of friends (which we are supposed to believe these people are) could ever be the same if something like that happened. And if we are supposed to believe Barney is so committed to changing for Nora, why is he making bets about touching another woman’s boobs? I find it difficult to believe she’d be cool with that.

I’m not going to stop watching HIMYM anytime soon, but this season just seems all over the place. The writers were given two more years to tighten things up and right now it seems to me they’re doing the exact opposite.

(Also, I am fully aware of the irony of a blogger whose pseudonym comes from a “Lost” character bitching about a show taking too long to answer a question while also going off in another directions.)

-Dr. Jack

Man Arrested for Asking to Suck Women's Toes...He Was Just Asking

CONWAY, Ark. – An Arkansas man who was once convicted of threatening to cut off a woman's feet and suck her toes while she bled to death was back in jail Monday after two women told police he wanted to touch their toes as well. According to police reports, one woman said the man stared at her while she was shopping at a department store, then approached her and "told her he loved her toes and they were so long and beautiful." He told her he had a "foot fetish" and wanted to suck on her toes, the police report said. Two days later, another woman called police to say she was approached at a pet supply store by a man who began commenting on her feet, police said. The man introduced himself to the woman as Mike, the report said.

Wait a minute, arrested for what, exactly? What did my dude do here? I mean yea, you can't go threatening to cut off people's feet and letting them to bleed to death, I can understand getting all in a huff about that. But it seems like he's repented and learned his lessons, no? It's not like he threatened violence again, just merely gave these women a nice compliment and a quick sales pitch. He's not down on all 4's sucking toe jam in Walmart without their permission or anything, he's just asking. A simple "no" would do just fine, no need to get the law involved. Even a polite, "sorry, I'm between pedicures right now" would have done if you felt like letting the guy down easy. Anything but rushing to call the cops.

Women, specifically the single ones wonder why they're still single. Any time a man makes half an attempt to be a gentleman, properly introduce himself, throw you a compliment and a proposition you run off and call the cops...good luck staying single ladies.

Walmart Weddings? Yep, They're Real

Hey, it's actually not that bad of an idea, how else do you get to all the guests of a redneck wedding to wear shirts and shoes? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service. Plus, right after you can go buy some celebratory cigars in bulk at rollback prices...Win, Win.