Good Old Fashioned Vigilante Justice for Attempted Car Jacker in Orlando

Orlando Sentinel - Police said a would-be carjacker was beaten and left lying in an Orlando parking lot when he picked on the wrong victim Saturday afternoon. Lt. Arnold Alvarez said a witness called police about 4:30 p.m. Saturday, reporting that a man was approached by the suspect in a lot near Millenia Boulevard and West Oak Ridge Road. The suspect, later identified as 54-year-old Richard J. McCandles, demanded that the driver hand over his keys, police said. But investigators said McCandles made one critical mistake — he selected a target who was bigger than him...After beating McCandles up, the driver got into his car and drove off, Alvarez said. Officers said they arrived to find the McCandles lying on the ground. 

Have to love this guy, just a great American, pitching in for his community during a tough financial time.  Your average person? Probably just give away the car, call the police, bitch at their insurance company, end up costing the tax payers tons of money.  An above average person? Take the perp down and hold him until police arrive, still clogging our court systems and wasting everyone's time.  

This guy? Great American.  Just going above and beyond the call of duty.  Pummeled the shit out of the guy and just figured justice had been served and left it at that.  No intentions of sticking around to press charges, if the cops want to handle it from there, fine, but if not that's also fine, he already got his.  We need more American's like that in a time like this.

Take a Vacation: Spend Time in a Norway Prison

Daily Mail - On a clear, bright morning in the tranquil, coastal town of Horten, just south of Oslo, a small ferry slides punctually into harbour. I am to take a short boat ride to the sunlit, green island of Bastoy shimmering on the horizon less than two miles away. It is a curious place. There are no secluded holiday homes or elegant hotels with moorings for passing yachts. The 120 people who live there never visit the mainland, but then why would they? They spend their days happily winding around the network of paths that snake through the pine forests, or swimming and fishing along the five miles of pebble beaches, or playing on the tennis courts and football pitch; and recuperating later on sunbeds and in a sauna, a cinema room, a band rehearsal room and expansive library.  Their commune has handsomely furnished bungalows with cable TV. The residents eat together in an attractively spacious canteen thoughtfully decorated with Norwegian art. The centrepiece is a striking 10ft long model of a Norwegian merchant ship. If it sounds like an oddball Scandinavian social experiment, you'd be right. Bastoy is home to Norway's only island prison. I am here to scrutinise its hugely controversial approach to crime and punishment, and to do so with some knowledge; the last time I set foot in a prison was as a foolish 23-year-old man. 

Serious question, if I get arrested for a semi-serious offense in Norway, does that go on my US record?  

I'd like to know because I need to know how this affects my chances of future employment in the States.  Like if I can just go over there and commit, lets say your basic assault and battery on some grandma, or maybe an armed roberry of some convenience store and get sentenced to 2-4 in some luxury spa jail, I'm all for it.  My only concern is being able to seek employment upon my triumphant and relaxed return to America.

PS: If I was Amanda Knox I'd totally offer to drop my appeals if I could serve out my sentence in Norway.  Save the Italian courts time and money, and live the life of luxury at a 24 hour spa.

Hawk Attacks Man on Tufts Campus. Not the Reputation You Want in College

Man dive-bombed by hawks on Tufts campus: MyFoxBOSTON.com

SOMERVILLE - A man was dive-bombed by hawks on the campus of Tufts University in Somerville on Friday, leaving him with scars to prove it. Mike Doherty was left with 15 stitches and cuts all across his head after the incident. Doherty said the hawk’s claws were as big as his hands and took turns dive-bombing his head repeatedly...Doherty was walking a path through Tufts when he was attacked by the hawks, dropping him to the ground. He says the attack lasted about two minutes before he was able to get away. The school has since added a barrier fence and posted signs warning of the hawks nesting above. The hawks built their nest into a fire escape onto the side of a building on campus. The school isn't sure just how long they've been there.

Hey buddy, I'm sure getting attacked sucked, but alerting the news media was the last thing you wanted to do.  Everyone knows birds of prey attack when they sense weakness.  Basically that hawk just gave you a big fuck you. It aint dive bombing formidable opponents who look like they can protect themselves.  They feast on the weak, that hawk sized you up and made its determination...pussy.

So way to let all of greater Boston in on the fact that the avian community has labeled you a pansy.  Wouldn't be shocked if by the time you got to your car that day it was just covered in pigeon shit and wood peckers had attacked your house. An absolute laughing stock to the bird community.

Man Finds Gun on Car in Parking lot of....Yep, Walmart!

NICEVILLE - If you left your loaded .22 caliber handgun on the bumper of a car at Walmart, the Niceville Police Department would like a word with you. On April 22 they were summoned to the Walmart on John Sims Parkway by a man who said he and his wife were leaving the store when his wife went to the passenger side of the car and knocked something off the back bumper. When she reached under the car to find what she thought she had dropped, the found a handgun. She gave it to her husband. The man emptied the weapon and called police. He gave them six .22-caliber rounds of ammunition and the gun itself, a chrome Ruger revolver. The man told police he had no idea where the gun came from or whom it may belong to. Police say the gun had not been reported stolen.

This could only happen in a Walmart parking lot.  No, not the fact that someone left a gun on the bumper, that could happen at any place of work with disgruntled employees, or any inner city bodega parking lot.  I'm talking about the fact that the guy who found it happened to know enough about gun safety to empty the weapon before calling authorities.

No joke, CW finds a heater in the parking lot he's liable to accidentally empty the clip on some poor woman's Corolla.  Wouldn't have a clue.  And that's the way I like it.  I generally feel safer shopping in areas where people unloading their groceries can't casually disarm a gun with one hand while securing a carton of eggs in the back seat with the other.  

I'll Kick the First Person I See Wearing Anti-Soccer Diving Shin Guards

God damnit people, leave soccer alone.

Hey asshole, thanks for ruining my sport.  Yea it's a sport for pussies, but it's our sport and we'll flop if we want to.  And since you're such a smart ass tell me something, how does the sensor know if I kicked myself on the way down, or that the ball didn't set it off? Riddle me that prick. 

Diving is just a part of the sport, like bitching in basketball, calling for time in baseball, and faking injuries late in the 4th quarter in football.  It's all in the game. No one is claiming soccer players are the toughest athletes on earth, as a group we probably rank slightly above cross country runners and about 10 notches above Chris Bosh.  But that's the way we like it, and that's the way its going to continue on.  

And I'll totally kick the first jackass I see wearing these right in their ball sack.  See if the buzzer goes off for that, jackass.

Such a pure game.

Stepping into the Cougar Den: My Trip to a Journey and Hall & Oates Tribute Show

Yeah, pretty bizarre title, but it's true.  CW ventured out with the gf and a couple of friends this weekend for a little taste of the 70s and 80's. And let me tell you something, it was exactly what you'd expect to see.

Just old woman everywhere, wearing clothes they hadn't gotten to wear in years. Low cut v-necks, jeans with non-mom waists, big hair, you name it, someone was flaunting it.  Smelled like an odd mixture of old woman cologne and mosquito repellant (I know weird, maybe because they applied it to their kids that day? I didn't understand it myself).  

Anyway, the night kicked off with the Hall & Oates tribute band "Maneater."  In enjoyable fashion they proceeded to roll off hit after hit from the classic 80's duo (I'd have guessed ambiguously gay before Sat night, but after that scene I realized they had quite the lady following, no way they made it out of their hey-day gay).  Old ladies grinding their old lady parts all over the dance floor, it was quite the scene.

As for the Journey tribute band of who's name I did not catch, they sucked. I didn't catch the name because I was a bit preoccupied with the pretentious douche of a singer.  Not being a child of the 70's or 80's I'm not quite sure if this is what he was supposed to be going for, but I'm guessing not.  Of everything I've heard about Steve Perry, no one has ever said "preening asshole."  First off, he looked like Howie Mandell, which is a huge strike against you in my book, and secondly he sang more like Adam Lambert than Perry.  Plus the bastards played "B" sides the entire night, like 3 songs that I knew.  What kind of Journey tribute band doesn't play their hits?  Buddy, they were a pop-rock band. We didn't show up to hear their more musically pure offerings. We showed up for the radio hits.

Did the old women like it? Yea it seemed so, but it seemed to be more of the booze dancing at that point than them really feeling it. You could have played just about anything at that point, the cougars were just out for the win and they weren't going to be denied.