Alt-Tabs Part 2

Big Friday over here, just blogging my ass off.

Crazy Cat Lady Writing Crazy Cat Lady Things - There is no such thing as a crazy dog person in New York. Are there people who are completely insane about their dogs? Hordes. But cat people may as well have whiskers and tails themselves.

Look lady, the articles title “Cat People Are People Too” and no one is denying that.  But you are a relatively insane bunch of people.  Cat people are crazy because they there is nothing social about a cat.  Bragging about your cat’s personality or gimmicks is lower than listening to the new born parents who brag about their kid’s burps and giggles like they’re the first people with children ever.  Keep it to yourself; it’s not interesting to the rest of us.  The old saying that dogs and their owners look and act alike tends to play to the cat owners as well.  Cats are for the most part socially awkward and shy, just like most cat lovers; you’d prefer to curl up in a blanket in the corner of your couch to interacting with other human beings.  Dog owners can go outside and throw a ball around with other people while the dog chases it or bring their dogs to cook outs to play with other dogs while everyone kicks back with an adult beverage.  Cat owners sit at home bobbing strings of yarn and picking up puke off the carpet.  Which one seems crazier to you?

Mosque gets Baconnated - FLORENCE, SC (WMBF) - A national Muslim civil rights and advocacy group is calling on the FBI to investigate a message written in bacon at mosque in Florence.

Before my cube is Jihad’ed I just want to state that I don’t condone hate crimes or speech in any form. The perpetrators here are clearly deranged individuals…With that said this is one of the funnier hate crimes I can remember.  I’m sure once the bacon was removed the evidence was still there in the form of grease as well.  I’ll also give credit to the victims here, not outlandish reactions and demonstrations just a statement of disappointment and handing it over to the proper authorities. Pretty refreshing.

How to Deal with an Annoying Co-Worker – Is it possible that professionals in the work place lack so much common sense that vanilla articles such as this one are considered meaningful enough to deserve publication on a major national news website?  There is not one statement or solution  in there that a person with an 8^th grade education couldn’t have reasoned out on their own.

 How about delving into some random situations that we don’t come across every day, like how to deal with the co-worker that farts too often, or isn’t showering enough, the office lunch thief, the older woman who still acts like she’s just out of college and is making everyone uncomfortable, and the delusional and possibly schizophrenic employee who keeps everyone on edge (in my case those last two were the same person, terrifying yet entertaining while it lasted). Let’s just say Christmas parties and work outings were veeerrrry interesting with her around. 

Thats all this week folks.  We'll be back Monday.  As I usually do on Fridays I only request that you tell 3 people about the blog if you enjoy it. - CW

Overheard at the Office

As with anyone who works in an office in close proximity to their peers I hear a wide range of ludicrous thoughts, opinions, and musings that continue to shock me for either their stupidity, grossness, or for the speakers sheer lack of shame in discussing personal matters.  I mention this today because yesterday I heard a comment that instantly vaulted into my top five favorite quotes heard in the office (not quite challenging number one which I'll also share with you today).  Now that you're all salivating...

Obviously the talk of the office yesterday was all about the Chilean miners rescue (the same one that I'm investigating to ensure it was not an elaborate hoax), an unbelievable story that I fully expected and prepared myself for hearing people discussing and regurgitating the same stories everyone heard on the news the night before without end (when I say prepare I mean practicing my patented "I think what you have to say is interesting face" coupled with the occasional head bob and slight smile to make you think I'm not day dreaming of anything but talking to you).  What I couldn't possibly prepare myself for was this dandy of a quote: "I heard that they didn't have anything to eat the whole time they were down there."  My pretend interested face turned to visually stunned in .003 seconds, there was no hiding it.  Air was gasped, my gaping mouth immediately covered by my hand, and I high tailed it out of there so I wouldn't laugh right in this persons face.  They were underground for 60+ days! Of course they ate food.  This was from a fairly senior ranking person in our office.  The more I think about it that has to rank second only to the number one overheard quote of all time.

The number one came from an employee who no longer works here (which is a good thing work wise, but a horrible thing for fans of unintentional comedy).  Anytime he picked the phone to make a call it was appointment eavesdropping.  There are countless stories I could rehash, but only one truly legendary story.
He was calling a support number for his recently purchased Comcast television service (he made more calls to support lines than anyone I've ever known) for help setting up his online account. After a string of mind numbingly dumb questions he finally got down to setting up his user name and password (he absolutely tortured phone support people, to say he wasn't bright is a drastic understatement).  As the tech support person on the other end of the line was giving him his temporary password my former employee would repeat each letter followed by a word that began with the letter (C as in Charlie, B as in Boy etc...).  And that's when he uttered the following; "Ok, G as in July." Take a minute and re-read that if you didn't catch the absurdity the first time through.  The sad thing is I'm pretty sure the dude on the other end of the line didn't even correct him because he just kept rolling on with the call without hesitating or realizing his mistake.  I'm not exagerating when I say that I received a flurry of e-mails from the 5 or 6 cubes within earshot asking if they heard him correctly.  All you could hear were muffled laughs in our area that day. He may have sucked at his job, but he provided ample comedic value.

So here's the deal, I'd like to start this as a semi-running feature every week or two, but in order to do that I'll need input from you guys.  Feel free to send in snippets of comments or conversations you've over heard in the office, place of work, gym etc... and I'll work on compiling everything into a featured blog.  You can reach me at Thealttab@gmail.com .

Guide to Tipping

In light of the on-going financial crisis I figured it was my turn to stick my nose in and give the recovery efforts a shot on the arm.  Times are tough right now and we need to tighten our belts in all areas of spending.  Even the smaller more over looked areas, such as tipping at restaurants. America is the best country in the world (or at least in the top 5,  but just roll with me here) but we embarrasingly stick to this outdated and antiquated tipping system while Europe (even the eastern European countries) and other civilized areas of the world sit back and laugh at our expense. Well I say no more.  Here are three areas we can rally together and work on starting today.

1. No more implied tipping.  Listen hunny, I don't care if you're miserable because you're on the back end of a double shift after just popping out your third child in three years 24 hours prior. I honestly don't.  What I do care is that you serve me promptly and with a smile on your face, ok toots? Do that and you'll get your tip.

2. There needs to be a Tip-Cap (salary cap but for tips, comeon people keep up).  The current system of basing the tip on the bill total continues to drive me insane.  Does the snooty guy at Morton's work harder than the townie at TGI Fridays? No, probably not harder than your average semi-legal employee at Dunks or McD's for that matter.  Do they tend to be nicer, more cordial and show some signs of intelligence? Sure. Do they deserve a bigger tip for this? Absolutely. But their needs to be a limit.  Just because I decided I want a $50 steak and a couple of fingers of Johnny Walker tonight doesn't mean I also want to pay you $30+ for carrying my plate back and forth to the kitchen.  Call out my order number or give me a buzzer, I'll gladly come grab my food at the window.  I propose a set cap of $15 per hour that a party occupies a table.  Exceptional service gets that full rate, work downward pending the level of service, across all restaurants, regardless of the price of the meal.

3.  Cut the shit with the whole "party of 8 gratuity included."  First off its a dirty trick. You know 1 in 5 times we're going to miss that and tip you twice.  Real nice, asshole.  But most importantly just because you're serving a large group doesn't mean I think you're doing a good job. If you sucked I want the option to leave you a tip indicating you sucked.  Its constructive criticism, something you'll need to learn to accept if you plan on getting a real job somewhere down the line.  Finally, if you do insist on continuing to add in an automatic tip can you just pick a round number, 15 or 20 percent. Nice and simple and its doesn't require a ridiculous mathematic test at the table if I deem you worth of an additional tip.

Alt-Tabs

More postings to follow today, here's a little something to get you started.

United Nations Appoints Space Alien Ambassador - Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, is set to be tasked with co-ordinating humanity’s response if and when extraterrestrials make contact.  Mrs Othman is currently head of the UN’s little known Office for Outer Space Affairs (Unoosa).  Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

I’m not sure what I should be more worried about.  The fact that the UN is wasting time appointing delegates to intergalactic visitors despite on going wars and several conflicts with the potential for war world wide, or the fact that the UN deemed this a necessary post so contact is presumably inevitable and forthcoming.  Am I supposed to be outraged at the complete lack of credibility shown by the worlds governing body, or scared to the point of building an underground bunker in my backyard?  

To be honest, I’m leaning towards the bunker here.  I mean the UN’s had since 1967 to come up with a better plan and all they’ve come up with is castration for any visiting aliens.  And it’s not like it’s a bunch of government appointed lackeys just wasting everyone’s time.  Stephen Hawking (the smartest man on earth) is comparing these bastards to Christopher Columbus when he killed off Native Americans left and right.  Yep, I’m definitely heading down to Home Depot, hope their Do it Yourself experts have experience in alien proof bunkers.

Conservatives more Manly than Liberals? - Liberals don’t believe in the ultimate concept of self-reliance, which is why they look to the government for stability. Extravagant welfare programs, the near impossibility of getting fired on the public dole and an increasingly complicated tax code are all products of the same deeply rooted concept that man cannot provide for himself.

Another day another Fox story blatantly spreading mis-truths.  Liberals believe in self reliance but they also believe in decency and helping other fellow human beings through institutional means.  But hey, why focus on the truth, much easier to make bold statements with tons of shock value that your misinformed and unintelligent followers can cling to, which would be fine if you were writing for a blog instead of a national news outlet.  Then again you’d have to come up with better jokes than this crap “The financial, emotional, even physical security of the son rests squarely on the shoulders of his father. What could possibly be more manly than providing all of the above for your kin? Maybe bear-wrestling, but legally I’m not allowed to endorse it”  BAHAHAHAHA, oh my god that is not funny.

Boston Subways Apps Available to Track Trains - The T announced today that smartphone apps are available for riders on the Red, Orange, and Blue lines that will tell riders where the trains are and when they will arrive -- eliminating the suspense, if not the wait.

I notice the Green line wasn’t included, I’ll assume this is because it caused the app to crash as often as the actual Green line trains do?  Or did it cause lagging and continual delays?  Guess what MBTA, having an app that tells me the train is late isn’t helping me arrive at my destination any quicker or helping me sweat less when your air conditioners are malfunctioning for the 267^th day in a row. How about addressing real issues with your service the way any legitimate private business would (yes I'm inferring the MBTA is an illegitimate business full of political hacks). 

Porn Industry Shutdown After Positive HIV Test - California's multibillion-dollar adult entertainment industry has been left reeling after another positive HIV test for a porn actor. The revelation Tuesday led to two of the industry's biggest companies shutting down production and a scramble to find partners who may have been exposed by the actor, whose identity and gender have not been released.

Not to make light of HIV/AIDS but isn’t a porn star catching the HIV like your average office worker catching the flu?  Why is this headline news? I just figured people were catching the HIV left and right out in the valley.  I wouldn’t expect to come in to work tomorrow to find the company website letting everyone know that I’m feeling under the weather and advising everyone in my area to go home for a few days until it clears up.