Lynn Woman Arrested in Complicated Welfare for Bottle Deposits Scheme

Lynn, MA - Police arrested a woman at a Lynn Stop & Shop Saturday after she allegedly stole $64 worth of soda cans from the store and attempted to feed them into a digital can return machine in exchange for money, according to a Lynn Police incident report. According to the report, Officer Craig Fountain was watching loss prevention video while on detail at the grocery store, located at 35 Washington St., around 8:45 p.m. when he observed 36-year-old Tina Cafarelli, of 37 Green St. #504, purchase 18 12-packs of assorted soda and pay with a state-issued electronic benefit transfer (EBT) card, which she allegedly also stole. Cafarelli immediately took the cans to the store’s digital can return machine and attempted to deposit them without emptying them.

That has to be the most work anyone's ever done in an attempt to steal a net total of $10.80 ever (for the mathematically challenged, 18 12-packs is 216 cans, at .05 cents a piece). And really, what the fuck lady? That would be my first question if I'm the arresting officer.

You stole $64 dollars, why not just buy some food and call it a day? What is the play you're planning on carrying out with your $10.80 that you couldn't have just accomplished with a stolen EBT card? I know drug dealers prefer cash, but I find it hard to believe some cracky out on the streets wouldn't have jumped on a chance to go stock up on some Campbells Chicken and Stars Soup at Hand cans. It's cold out there, they'd definitely appreciate a warm meal in a cup, microwaveable at your local 7-11.

Standard Issue Drug Dealer Uniform, per CW

Plus they're delicious, its legit the only soup I'll eat, and it has to be the "Soup at Hand" kind, I don't have any need for frilly things like bowls when eating my soup. I just want a can that doubles as a feeding receptacle, slash, is microwaveable safe so I can cook my food in it as well. It saves me from doing the dishes, allright? I'm wicked lazy. And apparently I equate my laziness to the same dietary habits as some imaginary drug dealing homy who survives on the streets of Lynn, Massachusetts. I assume his name is Derryl, he's wearing a black winter cap, and a huge oversized Oakland Raiders bubble jacket.

And this is exactly what happens when you let yourself ramble through a blog at 8 AM, you go from finding the humor in some elaborate stolen welfare money laundering bottle deposit scheme to realizing that the completely hypothetical drug dealer in your head may be the result of some deep seeded racial profiling. I mean really, CW? An Oakland Raiders bubble jacket? It's like I've never seen a gangster outside of the old N.W.A music videos.  I don't even think they make jackets like that anymore, but no matter how hard I try, I can't picture Derryl in anything else.

Damnit! Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if I'm a subconscious racist or if it's just my limited experience with real world drug dealers and over-exposure to the 1980's west coast rap culture via MTV and movies like Boyz in the Hood that have made me this way. I mean, I don't think I'm racist, I'll break bread and pop a can of soup with Derryl any day, but at the same time, he is wearing that bubble jacket and I'm having a hard time explaining that.

What's Wrong With This SCHOOL X-ING Picture?

NY Post - Somebody who’s working for the city should learn how to S-P-E-L-L. A slew of officials have failed to report a humiliating spelling error — “SHCOOL X-NG” — plastered on Stanton Street outside a Lower East Side high school for months.

Admit it, it took you a few glances, right?  I mean, I'd like to think I'm not the only one that didn't notice the mistake at first glance, took me three glances to notice something was off, and even then I noticed the "X-NG" portion before I saw the misspelling of school. So please tell me I'm not the only one, I know I misspell a word or two once in a while, and my grammar is suspect at best, but that's really because I write these things between 8 and 9 AM each morning and don't bother proof reading. 

And honestly, I think I'd leave it. Make it a sort of test for any new teachers. Like if you're interviewing a potential new hire and they don't mention that they noticed something wrong with the school x-ing sign out front then you just don't hire them. Sorry, I'd like to think the educators of our country's youth have a keen editorial eye for road markings and street signs. I know it's kind of a high standard, but its our children, they really are our future. 

And by the way, I have far less of a problem with the misspelling of "school" than I do of "x-ing." School is a weird looking word anyway, and frankly, it sounds Dutch. I don't really blame anyone for misspelling it. Actually, a quick Google image search confirms its a pretty common mistake.

But X-ING really only has one spelling. I have no idea what "X-NG" stands for, but it sounds like some late night TV dietary supplement that promises to burn pounds while I blog and watch junk TV. It's already an abbreviation, you can't just go abbreviating the abbreviations, the whole system would break down and the english language as we know it (which admittedly isn't that well) would be kaput.

Garth Brooks: Kind of an Asshole. Country Star Asks Hospital for Refund on Charitable Donation

Fox News - An Oklahoma hospital in country singer Garth Brooks' hometown must return his $500,000 donation because it failed to build a women's center in honor of his late mother, jurors ruled Tuesday. Brooks said he thought he'd reached a deal in 2005 with the hospital's president, James Moore, but sued after learning the hospital wanted to use the money for other construction projects. The hospital had argued that Brooks gave it unrestricted access to the money and only later asked that the hospital build a women's center and name it after his mother, Colleen Brooks, who died of cancer in 1999. Brooks said he gave the gift anonymously, as he does with all charitable donations. During cross-examination, an Integris lawyer highlighted statements that Brooks made in a deposition after he sued. Brooks said couldn't say whether the women's center was promised, or whether his mother's name would be attached to an existing center.

Sooo....Garth, you're kind of a dick, huh? I totally get wanting to get your mother's name up on a hospital wing, but really? Asking for a refund when it was used for other construction purposes? That's pretty low. Doubt Mother Brooks raised her son to go around town Indian giving wheelbarrow's full of cash to local charities. Wouldn't it have been a better idea to go back and ask that they name the next wing after your Ma? 

And does Garth know how much an entire Woman's Center would cost? $500k might cover the bill for a couple of x-ray machines, maybe one of those mammogram things too, but it sure as hell isn't building an entire wing of a building. According to this handy chart we're talking about millions. Surely someone that's had an uber successful country music career under not one, but two names, could afford a little more than a re-callable $500k donation, no?

PS: Anonymous? You can't go getting credit for anonymous if you're having wings named after loved ones and then taking the charitable foundations to court after...that's not anonymous. Anonymous would have just ate it and went on being a good person.