A History In Horrible Wedding Photos

I can only assume this marriage ended in homicide, thats safe to say, right?

 
No joke, some people really shouldn’t be allowed to get married. It’s just embarrassing. Uptight conservatives running all over the place protesting gay marriage for ruining its sanctity and then you see a photo gallery like this…sanctity?


There’s a dude holding a 45 pound burger in one of his wedding photos, another guy is goosing his wife, and that’s not even touching upon the slew of fugly couples who look wayyyyyy to happy considering the creature they’re about to marry.  I mean aren’t you supposed to look your absolute best on your wedding?  If your husbands best can be described as a homeless mans Loyd Christmas you’re in for a very regrettable wedding. 

MLB Hires Some Poor Fan to Watch Every Baseball Game in 2011

400K for an entire season of this? Worth it?

My Fox - Starting Thursday, he will be holed up in MLB's "Fan Cave," a shrine to fandom built in the old Tower Records building in Manhattan, in front of 15 flat-screen televisions. As he watches the games, he will tweet his thoughts, be interviewed by MLB sportscasters, and have his daily adventures chronicled in online videos. As of Tuesday, O'Hara, 37, said he still had a girlfriend. Fortunately for him, he will not have to live in the 15,000-square-foot Fan Cave or subsist on a diet of stadium food..."I don't want to end up two sizes larger by the end of the season," he said. MLB officials would not say how much O'Hara is being paid, but said his salary falls between that of a batboy and baseball's league minimum of $400,000.


I love baseball, love the redsox, eat up sportscenter highlights, I’d kill myself before I let someone pay me to watch every game possible.  Kill myself. 

Baseball is a great game, but when it goes bad, it goes really bad.  The 45 minute innings with a pitcher that can’t get an out. The 5 hour games because each teams manager convenes a circle jerk at the mound any time a pitcher throws more than 2 balls in a row late in the game.  Yankees fans. Joe buck and Tim Mccarver. These are all things I hate. And I haven’t even mentioned the pain and suffering of having to watch American league central or NL central games.  Sorry middle America, even your sports teams are boring and insufferable, much like your farm filled region. 

Kudos to these guys if they make it through it, but I just wouldn’t be surprised if this ended in some kind of bizarre murder suicide plot they’ll be dissecting Real Sports HBO.  Bryant Gumbel would eat that up...I swear that's not a fat joke.

K-Mart Shopper Caught Jacking Off in the Men's Section

(Mentor) -- This is not your everyday K-Mart blue light special.  An Ashtabula County man's been charged with exposing himself, and playing with his genitals in the men's department of a K-Mart store in Mentor. Mentor police Lt. Tom Powers tells WTAM 1100 that a loss prevention officer at the K-Mart at 9200 Mentor Avenue called police Monday after she saw a man acting strangely in the store's men's department. She told police that the man eventually exposed himself, and started masturbating. The man, 28-year-old Richard Hennessey of Jefferson, was questioned by Mentor police, and could not give police a reason of why he did this. Part of the evidence against Hennesey is a videotape provided by the loss prevention officer to police.

Attention Walmart shopp...whoa, wait a minute, my bad, K-Mart Shoppers, clean up in aisle 6. Sorry about that Walmart, your customers do have some limits it seems (for the time being anyway I'm sure that'll change any day now).  

To this mans credit he did have the decency to diddle himself in the men's section.  It's not like he was off in the kids clothing section or the toy department, or even the women's undergarment area.  He was at least trying to do the right thing here. 

And lets just be honest for a second, who among us hasn't struggled to find the changing room at a department store once in a while? They purposely place them in the most far flung corners of the store, no where near the clothes sections, it's almost like they're begging guys like this to choke the chicken in the slacks section.  Gotta Feng Shui that shit up K-Mart, stop things like this from happening.

Apparently Girls Are Getting Wasted Drunk on Alcohol Soaked Tampons?

The Local - Police in the Baden-Württemburg city of Tuttlingen responded Tuesday to growing online chatter among teenagers that they could become intoxicated using the vodka tampons without having alcohol on their breath...The trend arose among teens in the United States, where it is known as “slimming.” But it has reportedly caught on in Scandinavia and other places where alcohol is difficult for young people to acquire.  Some Facebook groups are even devoted to exchanging tips on the topic, complete with how-to videos and instructions. 

Frigen girls, they got it made in the shade.  Spare me the crap about pregnancy, periods, and hair straighteners.  Apparently there's one huge upside to being a broad, vodka soaked tampons.  

You can get loaded pretty much anywhere, any time that you want and everyone will be none the wiser breath wise (aside from the Tipsy Tina Symptoms).  Rough day at work? Enjoy some Vag-Vodka during lunch.  Your child's school play in the evening? Teabag that Tampon in some 151, that'll get you through it.  Boring day of errands and shit to do? A nice shot to the twat should spice things up.

I'm just going to end it there, I've ran out of funny terms for vaginal alocholism.  Better to quit while you're ahead.

Teacher In Trouble for Asking Fat Student if He Ate His Homework

This kid definitely ate his homework

BROOKFIELD, Conn. - A Connecticut math teacher is fighting to keep his job after asking an overweight student if he ate his homework. Brookfield High School teacher Robert Wollkind says he has Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism in which social interactions can be awkward...Wollkind was placed on administrative leave in November after the comment to the student, who previously had been teased by others about his weight...Wollkind has said his Asperger's makes it difficult for him to read others' emotions. More than 1,000 Brookfield parents and students have signed a petition supporting him.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the expression, "the dog ate my homework?" Before we jump to conclusions here, are we sure the teacher just didn't confuse his euphemism, like he went to say dog but a little Freuedian (or Aspergerian apparently) slip of the tongue later and he said fat, well, because the kid was fat? 

I'm not trying to pick on the kid here, I'm just wondering if we should be so quick to judge the teacher.  I mean who hasn't let something slip that they shouldn't have once in a while? Made a gay joke in front of a gay, implied that a girl was a bitch in front of your female boss (yep, check that one off for CW this past week), or made fun of fat people, in the presence of fat people.

That kind of shit happens all the time in life.  Correct protocol isn't to race off and fire or defriend someone on Facebook.  The correct action is to give the person who said it a look of 50% questioning, 50% death stare, while the offender as quickly as possible tries to pretend the situation never happened.  As far as I'm concerned that's all that needs to happen here.

Plus we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, this allegedly fat kid didn't do his homework, are people forgetting this? This story is the best thing that could happen to him, in all this hullabaloo I'm sure this kid sneaky finished his homework late and left it on the teachers desk while no one was paying attention.  Sly kid, could use a mind like that over here at the Tabs.

Girl Makes Epic Drunk Dial To Guy She Met at Bar Named "Ryan"

Wow, you've got to admire her spirit here.  She clearly saw something she wanted, in his apparently very flattering shirt and pants, and went right after it.  A usually bold and effective move, though this time, just bold.  Maybe keep it a little more concise next time, with less sharing and verbal diahrrea, ok Dominic?  A few thoughts:

The girls name is Dominic? That could explain the neverousness of this call.  Probably the first dude who ever gave her a number who wasn't sorely disappointed to find out she wasn't a tranny.

I think I can safely say you're not the only ones that love Yo-Yo's.  6th grade CW was a borderline Yo-Yo master.  And then there's the billion+ Asians who I'm sure are rocking sick cat's cradles while solving calculus equations just for fun right now.

You work where again? Ebay? How do you spell that? I don't think I'm familiar with that company...I hope this kid was just yamming on her about not being sure what Ebay was.  I mean, I know some people just aren't into the internet and technology, just waiting for that fad to pass, but I have to believe everyone is at least aware of Ebay. If not I'd seriously have to question what you've been preoccupied with for the past 10 years, with my first guess being killing and disposing of chicks you met at the bar, as I hear that can be quite time consuming.  

So the kid left urgently, but gave her a real phone number? Now I'm really confused.  Did he really have indigestion and had to skip out of the bar or was he trying to get away from this leech?  Because if he was just trying to get away why did he give her a real number?  I'm going with eh really had indigestion, which is a code word for a case of the squirts.  Which is odd in its own right as back in my single days, telling a girl you had to take a dump just wasn't an effective pickup line.  Even worse was a girl telling you that she occasionally gets the shits.  It's just not stuff you want to hear, ya know?

Well I was going to advise this kid to pull out a restraining order on Dominic here,  until she threw out the "page me" line.  I know personally I'd have to meet the one person in America still rocking a beeper.  Not often in the 2000's you get the chance to hit someone up with the 911, 143 booty page.

Whoa, whoa...I thought you said you worked at that Ebay place?  You mean you really just work in the mall food court at Jamba J-U-I-C-E?  Which one is it really?  Whatever the point, as much as it sounds like you'd worship this guys feet and serve his every want, I'm going to have to advise he doesn't page, fax, email, call, or text you.  Sorry hun, you can't start a relationship off with a lie.