So This Was Going On In My Neighborhood Last Night

I specifically like the part where Everett Police asked for anyone with any information to call them...hey guys, how about you call me? What the fuck!?

I'm sitting here last night with a helicopter circling for hours with his spotlight raining down, and the only reason I had a clue what was going on? Twitter. That's right, a few people who listen to police scans and broadcast their listenings on Twitter were the only thing that kept me from going outside to see what was going on while a murder/attempted murder suspect may or may not have been hiding in my hedges.

This went on for a couple of hours, no reverse 911 call to residents, no breaking news on the local channels as it apparently missed the news cycle...I'd have even taken one of those terrifying severe weather alert things that get pushed to your cell phones, but you know, instead of warning me about tornado's and hail, maybe just something like, "Don't Go Outside a Gunman is Hunkered Down in Your Shrubs."

But no. I got nothing. I sat here and received minimal updates from Twitter and downloaded 3 different police scanner apps to try and figure out what was going on. And it's not like this morning's report is showering praise on the Everett police for finding this kid, kinda vague and sounds like they didn't find him, which, you know, wouldn't be a bad thing to warn residents that an armed and dangerous gunman is in the area.

Frigen Everett. And Steve Wynn wants to build a casino here? Hope they take him for a tour of the crime scene literally a half a mile from the proposed site on Wednesday.

Massachusetts Man's Homemade Cannon Misfires, Blasts Holes in Neighbors House

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

GARDNER (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) – A Gardner couple who recently moved into their new home on Cleveland Road is thankful that their holiday plans took them out-of-state after their neighbor's homemade cannon malfunctioned and sent bits of shrapnel through their home...Williams' neighbor reportedly had a homemade cannon in his backyard. The cannon which was made out of an old cast iron pipe and some gunpowder malfunctioned and exploded on July 3 sending bits of shrapnel into both his neighbors' homes. "It came with so much force, it went straight through and made a massive hold on the inside," Williams said. "Within inches, it easily could have taken out the electrical and caused a fire."

Simply put there are neighbors who are gun nuts, and there are neighbors who build their own homemade cannons...You can guess which one I'd rather live next to.

All offense to the gun nuts, I'm taking the homemade cannon guy every day of the week. Instead of having to listen to some guy with an army locker and a militia sized cache of weapons in his bedroom ramble on about the Second Amendment, the impending British invasion, and the principles of the NRA, I'd much rather hang out with these dudes who were presumably shit-housed when they decided to load an old metal pipe that had been kicking around in their garage, with various household objects to see how far they could launch them...those guys sound like fun.

PS: I love that this cannon has wheels and is mobile...take note all you Second Amendment enthusiasts, you guys can preach on all day, store as many hand guns and rifles as you want...when the Red Coats show up at my door with muskets and bayonets demanding I quarter them, I'll be sitting pretty with my cannon.

Is This The Face of a Mass Man Arrested for Assault with Stolen Sausage Links?

BROCKTON — A Holbrook man was charged after police said he attacked and robbed a Brockton man using stolen sausage links and a wrench at West Street and Forest Avenue Sunday morning. The victim told police he was riding his bike about 8 a.m. Sunday when Michael A. Baker, whom he does not know, came up to him “and started swinging sausage links at him,” Lt. David Dickinson said Sunday. “He said he was trying to hit him with that. The victim had no idea why,” Dickinson said. Baker then threw stolen meat, bread and cheese he was carrying into a nearby barrel “and began smashing the victim with a wrench,” Dickinson said.

That's just piss poor criminaling by Michael Baker, piss poor. You go through all the trouble of robbing a sausage stand for some delicious sausages and cheese, and then, instead of gorging on your profits, you waste them in some sissy assault attempt, end up throwing them in the garbage (thereby rendering your previous robbery useless) and attack the man with a wrench that you had on you all along?

What the hell dude, how do you not go wrench from the start? Sausage links don't hurt, this aint Road Rash, those aint chain links...tighten your game up.

Also, general rule of thumb, robbing the guy riding the bike is generally pretty fruitless. He's riding a bike...if he had anything worth steal he'd probably own a car. 

Lynn Woman Arrested in Complicated Welfare for Bottle Deposits Scheme

Lynn, MA - Police arrested a woman at a Lynn Stop & Shop Saturday after she allegedly stole $64 worth of soda cans from the store and attempted to feed them into a digital can return machine in exchange for money, according to a Lynn Police incident report. According to the report, Officer Craig Fountain was watching loss prevention video while on detail at the grocery store, located at 35 Washington St., around 8:45 p.m. when he observed 36-year-old Tina Cafarelli, of 37 Green St. #504, purchase 18 12-packs of assorted soda and pay with a state-issued electronic benefit transfer (EBT) card, which she allegedly also stole. Cafarelli immediately took the cans to the store’s digital can return machine and attempted to deposit them without emptying them.

That has to be the most work anyone's ever done in an attempt to steal a net total of $10.80 ever (for the mathematically challenged, 18 12-packs is 216 cans, at .05 cents a piece). And really, what the fuck lady? That would be my first question if I'm the arresting officer.

You stole $64 dollars, why not just buy some food and call it a day? What is the play you're planning on carrying out with your $10.80 that you couldn't have just accomplished with a stolen EBT card? I know drug dealers prefer cash, but I find it hard to believe some cracky out on the streets wouldn't have jumped on a chance to go stock up on some Campbells Chicken and Stars Soup at Hand cans. It's cold out there, they'd definitely appreciate a warm meal in a cup, microwaveable at your local 7-11.

Standard Issue Drug Dealer Uniform, per CW

Plus they're delicious, its legit the only soup I'll eat, and it has to be the "Soup at Hand" kind, I don't have any need for frilly things like bowls when eating my soup. I just want a can that doubles as a feeding receptacle, slash, is microwaveable safe so I can cook my food in it as well. It saves me from doing the dishes, allright? I'm wicked lazy. And apparently I equate my laziness to the same dietary habits as some imaginary drug dealing homy who survives on the streets of Lynn, Massachusetts. I assume his name is Derryl, he's wearing a black winter cap, and a huge oversized Oakland Raiders bubble jacket.

And this is exactly what happens when you let yourself ramble through a blog at 8 AM, you go from finding the humor in some elaborate stolen welfare money laundering bottle deposit scheme to realizing that the completely hypothetical drug dealer in your head may be the result of some deep seeded racial profiling. I mean really, CW? An Oakland Raiders bubble jacket? It's like I've never seen a gangster outside of the old N.W.A music videos.  I don't even think they make jackets like that anymore, but no matter how hard I try, I can't picture Derryl in anything else.

Damnit! Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if I'm a subconscious racist or if it's just my limited experience with real world drug dealers and over-exposure to the 1980's west coast rap culture via MTV and movies like Boyz in the Hood that have made me this way. I mean, I don't think I'm racist, I'll break bread and pop a can of soup with Derryl any day, but at the same time, he is wearing that bubble jacket and I'm having a hard time explaining that.

This October Snow Storm just Embrarrassing the Crap Out of Massachusetts

FRAMINGHAM -- Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick today urged patience as hundreds of thousands of utility customers in the state waited for their power to be restored after an unusually early nor’easter over the weekend that dumped as much as 30 inches of heavy, wet snow in some areas. Patrick said utility crews were “making progress” but there was “a lot more to do and a few days yet before power will be restored to everyone.”More than 519,000 customers were without electricity at mid-morning, but by the late afternoon, the number of power outages had dropped to around 460,000. Late in the afternoon, Patrick, who had declared a state of emergency Saturday night and mobilized National Guard troops, signed a letter to the White House requesting an emergency declaration that would allow federal storm relief funds to flow to local governments, said Massachusetts Emergency Management Agency spokesman Peter judge.

Jesus this is embarrassing, we get like 5-6 storms like this a season in Massachusetts, do we really need to be calling for federal storm relief in October? Seems a bit premature, come January the White House is going to be treating Deval like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Like, "hey, sorry Deval but you fooled us back in October and November with that fluke snow storm you got, we're not falling for that shit again."

Guys, it snows here all the time, and this wasn't some freak, unexpected storm, they'd been predicting it for a week, how about a little preparedness. Yea, I know it was still October, doesn't mean you ignore every weather prognostication out there, lest you want to end up stranded on the Flemish Caps with Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney, I suggest you take the weather man's advice. Seriously, have the plows ready, have the tree crews ready, and get this shit fixed. Shit, give those Occupiers something to do and give them the keys to a plow truck or something, put them to work so they'll shut up for a week or so but lets get this shit done instead of crying to Washington because it snowed in New England, the novely of it, huh?

And this isn't all to the state either, if I hear one more complaint about all the food people just bought going bad in the fridge I'll lose it...I understand some people went out shopping in earnest, just did their weekly shopping and now that food is ruined (unless you were smart enough to load a cooler or two with ice and stick it outside). But for the rest of the assholes who spent Saturday in Stop n' Shop loading up on everything under the sun because a snow storm was coming, only to see all that food spoil during the ensuing black out, well the jokes on you...Stop stocking up on everything whenever its threatening to snow! It makes no sense. You buy all this shit, and outside of water and a couple canned goods, you can't even keep it fresh, do you see the irony here? Do you?