Best of the Blogs

Graphic from Mashable

Valentines Day InfoGraphic - Though I can't statistically confirm this, I have to believe way more than 5% are doing "other" tonight, assuming other means sitting in front of their computer and searching for Valentines Day themed porn by themselves.  A lot more than 5%.


50 Horrible Parking Jobs - And as best I can tell none of them take place in Massachusetts. We may be terrible, rude drivers, but at least we know how to park in between the lines.  What the hell is the matter with the rest of you? Didn't learn to color in kindegarten?


I Beat Anorexia T-Shirt - Just an inspirational human being for hundreds of thousands suffering from this terrible disease.

Town Denies Harry Baals His Rightful Memorial (vid and commentary inside)

ABC - The people of Fort Wayne have spoken. They want Harry Baals.  To be more precise, they want Harry Baals' name tacked onto a new city building. When the city invited people to suggest names for a new government center, thounsands went online to propose naming it after a longtime mayor from the 1930s and '40s. The hitch? The city is-- perhaps understandably -- reluctant to honor the overwhelming winner...

While I would like to think that here in America if you put something to vote, that vote will be honored, honestly, I don't blame the town.  It's high time Harry's parents get their comeuppance for giving their child perhaps the most hysterically intentional name of all time.

As funny as it is though, parents need to be reprimanded when they do this to their children. This kinda shit would have been fine for the family dog or pet but not for a human being.  Imagine the trials he went through as a young Harry Baals.  Teased on the playground by his peers for his descriptive genetalic name.  Every teacher the kid had probably thought he was trying to pull one over on them for the first couple of weeks, and this was back when teachers could paddle their students, I'd imagine Harry got his ass beat more than once on the first day of school.  And good luck getting a date in high school with a name like that, might as well have changed his name to Blue Baals I'd imagine.

It's a true testament to his will and personality that he made it through all that to rise through the ranks to the title of Beloved Mayor, actually you know what, screw it, this guy deserves to have a building named after him, irresponsible parents be damned. 

By the way, how has that news reporter not nailed down a national gig yet? Kept a straight face with no hint of a giggle while saying Harry Baals 3 times by my count.  Guy deserves at least a lead anchor gig, if not a full time job at one of the 24 hour networks.

Once a Douchebag, Always A douchebag

Doesn't this picture just make you wonder what today's 'roided-out douchebags will look like 20-30 years from now?  You think this is a terrible look just wait for those days. Old, bloated and bald can't be a good look for rocking skin tight Ed Hardy t-shirts and gold chains. 

Mall Food Court Proposal Ends Exactly As You Think It Would (video and commentary inside)

Food Court Proposal Gone Wrong - Watch more Funny Videos 

Poor guy, you just have to feel bad.  Here he is trying to start up a new  business playing the guitar for wedding proposals and his first client strikes out hard.  Good luck getting another referral after that.  Once word gets out that the bride said no at one of you proposals you can all but kiss your career as an Engagement Musician goodbye. It's a hard enough business to break into with out the absolute kiss of death.


...What? You didn't think I'd feel bad for the boyfriend did you?  Guy proposed in a mall food court. That kinda cheap cheesy shit only works out in John Hughes movies. Dude had it coming.

Illness Breaks Out At the Playboy Mansion

Huffington Post - The Los Angeles Times said there were reports that dozens of people were sickened after the event at the L.A. mansion, but neither the newspaper nor county health officials cited a specific number of cases... The county statement said investigators were looking into the cause, extent and potential sources of the illness, but did not believe it spread beyond the people who attended. "Public Health has no information suggesting that this suspected outbreak extends beyond those individuals associated with this conference," the statement said.

What happens in the Playboy Grotto doesn't always stay in the Playboy Grotto, especially herpes, that shit is for life.

And on a more serious note, don't the people that party at the mansion just assume they're going home with a little something more than they went in with? I just figured everyone on these guest lists spent the days leading up to the events getting B12, Malaria, hepititis, and various other immunization shots, just in case. 

Growing up you couldn't even begin the school year if you couldn't prove you'd been properly immunized, and I'm pretty certain I'm not going to run into anywhere near the amount of diseases and bacteria in a 3rd grade classroom as I am in a gigantic hot tub with a bunch of naked whores and Charlie Sheen. Just seems like this should be common sense.

TSA Scanners Are Back

 

Time - The Transportation Security Administration, having been hammered by the public for their use of body imaging, is field testing a new technology...The software, called Automatic Target Recognition, or ATR, displays only a generic stick-figure image, rather than the actual outline of the traveler being screened. And instead of a security officer in another room looking at the image — a step TSA took before to make sure no one was feeling ogled — the passenger can check out the cartoonish abstraction alongside the security officer at the checkpoint.

Well that kinda takes the fun out of it from the TSA standpoint, no? I mean the entry level TSA workers job already sucked, low paying, dealing with people that irrationally hate you from the moment they step through the airport doors, feeling up old guys balls and fat lady FUPAs. Now they're taking away their detailed body imagers?  I have a feeling that's going to be the last straw, and frankly, all the terrorists need to win this battle.

Surely this will lead to less and less  young, unemployable men going into this glamorous field of law enforcement.  With no one left to man the screening stations, America's airports are going to become terrorist's play grounds.  

No thanks, this blogger is going to be looking up bus schedules for his vacations this year unless this shit gets straightened out fast.   I'll take a creepy mustached, middle aged man who lives in his mothers basement getting an outlined picture of my junk over grappling with Saddam Bin Laden in the aisles of every flight just to make sure the pilot is able to land the plane safely. 

Text Message Auto Correcting Leads to Fatal Stabbing

 The Bolton News - MAN who stabbed his friend to death in a row over a mis-spelt text message has been convicted of manslaughter...Brook told the police he sent Mr Witkowski a text containing the word “nutter”, but, because of his predictive text, it came out as “mutter”. Mr Witkowski took offence and after the pair exchanged a series of increasingly abusive and angry text messages, he went round to Brook’s flat. He opened the door to let his friend in but said Mr Witkowski flew at him with a knife of his own. Brook continued to attack Mr Witkowski and delivered the killing blow, stabbing him in the chest and piercing his heart. 

Most dangerous modern technology facing our society? Predictive texting. This nuisance of the modern cell phone is presumably ruining peoples lives from all walks of life (no, I'm not going to research factual evidence for that sentence or any of the following).  Wives are divorcing husbands due to misspelled messages, bosses are firing employees, and now best friends are off-ing each other in epic knife fights. 

Is this really what you had in mind big cell-co? Re-writing people's lives to the point of ruin. Last I checked this was America, not communist Egypt. We don't need big corporation conglomerates telling us what we mean to say or feel. We're human beings with real thoughts and emotions and we deserve to be treated that way.  When I try and type "Heading home to help," I'm not looking for you to correct to "Heading to Hedonism" (true story). Shit is not cool.

I demand all cell phone users demonstrate outside their local Verizon or AT&T until this deadly problem is resolved.  Your very life may depend on it.

Never Thought Of Milk That Way

Someone arrest the guy who came up with this advertising campaign.  Milk only succeeds with the general public because of our ability to put the image of where it actually comes from deep in the back of our mind.  Well that went out the window with this sign.  I may not have milk for another month now.

Why arrest him? Because only crazies and socio-paths are capable of downing a glass of "cow juice" with the image of a bloated udder floating through their head.  Just a sick, sick individual.