Now the Failed Samurai Osama Hunter Has Gone To Far, Claims He's Owed the $27 Million Bounty

DENVER, Colo. -- A samurai sword-wielding American who waged his own personal quest to capture Usama bin Laden demanded Tuesday a share of the official $27 million reward following the terror chief's death.  "I had a major hand and play in this wonderful thing, getting him out of the mountains and down to the valleys ... Someone had to get him out of there. That's where I came in," he said. "I scared the squirrel out of his hole, he popped his head up and he got capped. "I'm proud of our boys, I'm very proud of our government ... They were handed this opportunity on a platter from myself." Faulkner, who was found with a pistol, a samurai sword, night vision goggles and a map when detained by Pakistani authorities last June, said while his quest was not about money, he deserved some compensation. "It wasn't about me. I wanted to bring him to justice. I'm not greedy, but I sold everything I had and I put my life on the line," he said. And Faulkner flatly rejected the suggestion that bin Laden had been living in the high-security compound in Pakistan for years. "He hadn't been living there for no damn six years," Faulkner said. "I absolutely flushed him out."

Well now you’ve gone a bit far bud, I was on your side yesterday, until you started putting in claims for the bounty.  I mean yea you did your part but the bounty clearly says wanted dead or a live.  You didn’t really complete the mission.  Should we be grateful and acknowledge your contributions, absolutely.  Should your plane ticket be refunded, yea I guess so, that would be nice.  Should you receive $27 million? Nope.

And I’m not sure what selling everything you had has anything to do with anything. How much does a pistol, map, samurai sword and night vision goggles cost? Like 5g’s? plus maybe $1500 in travel and lodging expenses?  I’ll assume selling everything in  your life clears that.

You want some cash though, write a book, I’ll 100% buy that.  Shit I’ll give you an advance on the first copy if the Alt-tab has exclusive distribution rights.

Texas High School Teacher Suspended over Osama Jokes

A Texas high school teacher has been placed on administrative leave following an incident where he allegedly told a 9th grade Muslim girl in his algebra class "I bet that you're grieving" on Monday following the death of Osama bin Laden...According to one parent at Clear Brook High School in Houston who spoke about the incident to a local ABC affiliate, the teacher also said, "I heard about your uncle's death."..."The student ended up crying over what was said to her by the teacher and the teacher asked her why she was crying and another student said it was because of what you said earlier," the parent told the station. "And his response was, oh, OK, and just kind of smirked and giggled and walked away."

If the kids can't take this kind of joke, then the terrorists really have won.

In all seriousness though, of course this happened in Texas, those guys just can't stay out of their own way.  Keep wanting us to take them seriously as civilized people, and they just keep opening their mouths and reminding us they're not...

Texas Cheerleader Suspended for Refusing To Cheer on her Convicted Rapist

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court denied review of the case of the Texas cheerleader who was suspended from her team for refusing to cheer for her rapist without comment.  This means that a lower court ruling, which said that a cheerleader acts as a mouthpiece for the school and can thus be dismissed for refusing to speak, will stand.  It also means that the cheerleader's family now owes the district $45,000 for the costs of "defending a frivolous suit," as ordered by the New Orleans appeals court...This story illustrates an appalling violation of a student's right to speak out against an insensitive and traumatic order from school officials.  The girl, who is known just as "H.S.," says that she was 16 when she was raped at a party by Rakheem Bolton, a star of her high school football team.  He pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge and received a suspended sentence.  The following winter, Bolton was playing in a basketball game when he went up to the foul line to shoot a free throw.  H.S.'s lawyer says that the girls were instructed to chant, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10, come on, Rakheem, put it in."  H.S., who had cheered for the rest of the game, folded her arms and remained silent.

Even the cynical asshole in me can't mock this one.  Like I was all set to go on about how women just don't understand the committment that joining a team implies.  How when a man joins a team he joins a group of brothers, and he's committed to see it through to the end, when a woman joins a team she's in it until the going gets tough or it interferes with her Reality TV viewing schedules.

But again, I just can't. Not after reading that the school was having her cheer 2, 4, 6, 8 come on Rakheem Put It In! (That's what she said). Just seems like the school may be protecting him with that cheer in the event that he felt like raping another cheerleader, at least now they have an entire gymnasium of fans who've heard each and everyone of those girls ask him to put it in.  Even I can't support school sponsored rape.

Native American's Complaining About the Use of Code Name Geronimo for Osama Can Shove It

Fox News - The Fort Sill Apache Tribe leader is demanding that President Obama apologize for the government's use of the code name "Geronimo for terrorist Usbama bin Laden..."We are grateful that the United States was successful in its mission against Bin Laden, but associating Geronimo's name with an international terrorist only perpetuates old stereotypes about Apaches," Houser wrote. "In the 1800's, Geronimo and the Chiricahua Apache people were portrayed as savages," he added. "This portrayal was used as justification for the forced removal from their homelands and their subsequent imprisonment. Linking Geronimo's name to an infamous terrorist only reinforces this false and defamatory stereotype."

Ughh…really guys? Can’t everyone just enjoy this for what it is without picking apart every little details. I mean really? We can’t just acknowledge this as a great thing for planet earth and a tremendously successful mission? We’ve got to just look for things to nitpick about?  Fucking Indians upset about Geronimo? What planet am I living on?

Geronimo is as much some wild savage indian’s name from the 1800’s as it is an American expression of exuberance.  Relax, just be grateful we’ve integrated a part of your culture into our ways. 
Next time Obama steps to the podium to address these events I hope he just reads down a laundry list like this:

1. Did we invade Pakistan without their permission, yes and we’d do it again. You’re untrustworthy, incompetent and frankly, we pay for just about everything in your country, so every now and then we’re going to check in and maybe kill one or two wanted mass murderers who’ve been crashing in your hotel room, whether its ok with you or not.
2. Why isn’t he releaseing photos, we deserve to see them.  Did you really get him? -   Yes we got him, we’re not releasing the photos, because we don’t feel like it.  If you don’t believe us, get a passport find a black markets arm dealer and go over there and search for him, knock yourself out.
3. If he wasn’t armed why was he shot- because he was osama fucking bin laden, you ass holes.  Who the hell cares if he was armed, threatening, or sitting on his prayer mat facing mecca with a bowl of uncle bens rice in his lap. I don’t give a shit, and deep down you don’t either.  Did all those cube monkeys in the towers threaten osama? Nope, didn’t stop him from killing them, so excuse me if I don’t feel like he should have gotten the benefit of the doubt.
4. Nananana poopoo, we got him. To all the radicals outraged that we got their leader.

Scott Brown Fooled By Fake Osama Death Pictures...Whoops.

U.S. Sen. Scott Brown — who said earlier today he saw a picture of Osama bin Laden taken after the Sept. 11 mastermind was killed — fell victim to a fake photo of the al-Qaeda leader’s death that made the rounds after U.S. forces shot him on Sunday. “The photo that I saw and that a lot of other people saw is not authentic,” Brown said in a statement. A staffer added that the Wrentham Republican obtained the photo from what he believed to be “a reliable source.” The staffer said Brown was briefed on the raid by Obama administration officials, but those officials did not show him any pictures.

Come on Scott, get your shit together.  What did you think that Obama released the photo through the government's secret web portal called Google.  Seriously what are you a frigen idiot? Thought you were the only one who googled "Osama dead" in the past few days?

Sara Palin Tells Obama To Stop Pussy Footing Around

We'll send you over next time so you can visually confirm

(CNN) - President Obama's decision Wednesday not to release photos of Osama bin Laden after he was killed by U.S. forces is eliciting both support and opposition: Sarah Palin, on Twitter: @SarahPalinUSA Show photo as warning to others seeking America's destruction. No pussy-footing around, no politicking, no drama;it's part of the mission.

I thought we were talking about Osama here, can't we just leave Rex Ryan and his wife out of the news for one day? (heeyyooooo, jokes that are months old! My favorite).

In all seriousness, really Sarah?  Was he pussy footing when he made the ultimate decision to send in Navy SEALs instead of bombing the bejeezus out of the complex but never being 100% sure if we got him?

Fuck off lady. Seriously, fuck off.  You had your prolonged 15 mintues of fame, where some how you were able to convnice a large enough portion of right wing ding bats that you weren't a complete moron.  But everyone is on to you now, so just go away.  Just your average republican mom who gets her political stances based on mixing articles from Gun Club Weekly and Good Housekeeping.  

You want photographic evidence? Win an election or convince someone to hire you for a job that would give you privy to those photos, and good luck with that, you sham.

Cape Cod Politician Brings Fake Gun to City Council Meeting

Candidate for selectman brings fake gun to meeting: MyFoxBOSTON.com

What is this, amateur hour?  You think Phil Davison would pull this kind of half-assed stunt? You either go with the real thing or you stay at home bro.  You don't go sugar coating the thing, warning everyone it's a fake and telling them not to freak out, that's no way to get a point across.

You want them to freak out, that is what you were supposed to be going for, the fear and mayhem that your government tormentors are causing. Instead you only brought laughter, mockery, and fear in some woman in the back that didn't hear it was fake. 

Are you trying to stand up against evil government oppression or what? You've got to really fight for your rights, one day they're trying to install sewers in your neighborhood so your streets aren't over run with filth and human waste, the next they're putting in street lights and bringing electricity to your home.  Are you going to stand for such fascist government acts or not?