Obama Hires Shakira To Help Push Agenda On Latino's...Watch Out First Lady!

(NewsCore) - President Barack Obama on Wednesday tapped pop star sensation Shakira to help push his education agenda and court Hispanics. The Colombian-born Grammy-winning singer, whose full name is Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll, was appointed to serve on Obama's Advisory Commission on Educational Excellence for Hispanics. Shakira is probably best known for hits like "Whenever, Wherever" and "Hips Don't Lie," but the White House touted her continued involvement in global educational efforts.

Get it Obama!

Total power move, Putin-esque. First Lady better get damn serious about fitness now, maybe take a few belly dancing lessons and start living that healthy lifestyle she preaches at everyone so often because the gauntlet has been thrown down. 

You think Obama liked getting shown up by Sarkozy and Putin at every state dinner? Hell no.  This is just a warning message Mrs. Obama. Tighten your shit up...Not to say that you're fat or out of shape, but this is a whole other level.  You're married to the president, and he's clearly expecting world class ass.

Friendly's is Closing, Quick Run to Twitter to Cry About It

That would have probably taken forever and been mildly disappointing when you finally got it as well.

Boston - If you grew up in Massachusetts, it’s where you went for an after-school Fribble or where your doting grandparents took you for lunch. The big red signs off the highways were a signal you were home, and the cramped booths at your neighborhood outpost were a familiar place to linger over a Conehead Sundae. So a lot of people are sharing memories today after the announcement by the Wilbraham-based Friendly Ice Cream Corp. that it was closing 63 of its nearly 500 locations as it looks to reorganize under Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Approximately 30 of the stores are in Massachusetts, including stores in Acton, Attleboro, Dedham, Leominster, Needham, Quincy, Stoughton, and Worcester.

Are you people kidding me? What is with the sentimentality towards Friendly's? Every time a useless, or past its time business or institution closes its doors legions of devoted followers come out of the woodwork to lament its closing or downfall, ignoring the fact that if they actually did love the business (in this case Friendly's) that much it woudln't be closing, business would be booming.

With Friendly's, what exactly are you people going to miss? My fondest memory of Friendly's is the same memory I have from every visit to the third rate eatery chain: Waiting upwards of 45 minutes for my burger and fries (in a fairly empty restaurant, because it's Friendly's) on my way back from the beach, and ice cream that is the same quality as the stuff I can buy in Stop n' Shop.  There's nothing to miss here. It was a poorly run restaurant, poor service, and mediocre food, not exactly a recipe for success.

Sure if you had kids it was a decent place to go for a meal with them and hide out from civilized adults who don't want to hear your kids screaming or throwing ketchup laced fries all over the place, but that was about its only upside. 

Even their frappes sucked. Sorry, but they sucked. I'll take a frappe from an actual ice cream stand any day of the week.  I don't know if these things used to be good, or what, but the last few times I got one it was basically whipped milk and bubbles, just sucking air up a straw, not much ice cream to be found.

So sorry, Friendly's. It's never good to see a place go out of business, but I'm not exactly going to cry about a mediocre at best food chain that I only patronized out of starvation on my way back from the beach a handful of times. If your food, ice cream, or service were any good at all, things would have ended up differently.

Washington DC Cops Throwing Drivers In Jail If Registration Information Isn't Up To Date

Fox News - In a city that hosts its fair share of murders and terror plots, Washington, D.C., police are cracking down on another threat to the nation's capital -- expired vehicle registrations. To the frustration of forgetful drivers, Metropolitan Police Department officers are throwing people in jail for letting their tag renewals lapse. The practice provoked somewhat of a backlash last year after a local mother from Maryland was jailed for what in many places would be a routine traffic offense punishable by fine. But the department continues to reserve and exercise the right to throw drivers in the clink for missing the DMV deadline, no matter where they're from.

Crossing DC off the list of places CW can safely visit, getting arrested for having out of date tags, licences or inspection stickers is just not a good look.  Good luck passing that story off on your first night in the clink, I'm sure the murderers and rapists will be real impressed by the tales of narrowly dodging the cops for 6 months, all to save $50 on registration fees.

I'm notorious for this, a scofflaw of the highest order. I've never,ever, gotten my registration or inspection done one time. It's partially me being lazy, partially me being extremely frugal (cheap).  I just figure if I can stretch the inspection sticker to 14 months instead of the usual 12 then I've gotten more bang for my buck out of that last inspection...this year I actually when 16 months a personal record.

It does have its downsides though. I've been pulled over for expired registration tags before, and I'm not sure why, but cops take that very seriously. Didn't even give me a chance to explain myself or ask if I knew they were expired just wrote the ticket and sent me on my way. $100 for a $50 registration. Meanwhile I've been pulled over for speeding, running a stop sign, running a yellow light (ok, it was red), driving with 6 people in a 5 person car, etc... and only been giving warnings. Blows my mind how my expired tag is more dangerous than my running a stop sign...I'm not really complaining, just questioning the logic.

How I Get Through My Soul Crushing Cubicle Job Part 1: E-mail Chains

E-mail Chains, email chains about fantasy sports, email chains about real sports, email chains making fun of people we work with, email chains making fun of each other, email chains discussing various game plan strategies for adult co-ed recreational sports, email chains about upcoming events, email chains about various ailments, email chains about gambling, and email chains about just plain nothing.

Here's the thing, when you're a regular internet scavenger, like myself, there are just some days where your usual rotation of sites either just aren't giving it to you, or its 11 AM and you're so unmotivated at your job that you've already scoured your daily batch of sites.

Those days, I need the e-mail chain, its about the only thing that'll get me through the horror of my fluorescently lighted mid-size cube. Doesn't matter that it's all fluff, bullshit, sports, ragging on each other, griping about our own jobs with the secret hope that the corporate filters are picking it up and we’ll get unceremoniously let go with severance. It's just something to kill some time. 

But lately I've run into a problem. One of the members of my core daily e-mail chain (who'll remain nameless, but its Penny Packer), recently got a job that he doesn't hate...he doesn't even dislike it from what I can tell, which is just plain odd to me. I previously assumed everyone hated their job as much as I hate mine...But I digress. Anyway this anonymous friend (pennypacker), got this new job requiring travel across the country every few weeks. Which at first made the Maestro and I very skeptical. Was he going to be able to hold his own on our chain? Was this the end of the super-chain? 

The chart up above is something I created for our chain yesterday, detailing the level of fun Pennypacker has brought to our chain since beginning this traveling routine of his. The vertical axis lists weeks 1-3, the horizontal, our level of fun.  As you can see, Penny started off weeks 1 & 2 on a Cam Newton making his rookie debut, like high. Just previously unseen levels of slacking production that we couldn't believe. In week one he clocked a 9.7. Highest on record. Started all kinds of sports debates out of thin air, and presumably spent all of his free time (time he should have been working) on researching topics for the e-mail chain. He largely held this production through week 2, just like Cam Newton.

Then week 3 came. And he crashed. Just like Cam Newton (are you seeing the correlation? Good, because I have no idea where this post is going). So I created the above chart to demonstrate this. I told Penny, look, just come to play. You can turn this around. Cam came back for a dynamite statistical week 4. You can do it too. Just try and finish this week strong and roll it into next week. He came back bitching about 12 hour days, 20 hours of travel a week, blah, blah, blah. Look, I get it, even Cam Newton had to subdue himself in week 3 so his team could get a win, I get what you're doing.  Just know that we're counting on you to reverse the trend next week and get back to your e-mail chain dominance...It's been boring as hell this week.

PS: This post did not go at all like I intended it to...I have no idea how I ended up here.

Obama Urges You All To Trick the Bridesmaid To Take It all Off (Lip Synch)

If this video proves anything its that it really is the simple things in life...I've watched this a solid 30 times since last night, I can't stop laughing. When the POTUS threatens to "whip them pinto's" I lose it. 

This particular sequence from 1:12 - 1:35 may be one of the funniest things I've heard or seen all year, no exagerration:

"Reminds me of one dude in college who used to make goats tell time, puff it up for me. That' girls been so cheap it makes me bananas, Big Old Breasts. Not the ones that make your tooth bleed and stop you from eating, that's not fair. Are you really drinking my bottled judgement? Ya'll think I won't whip them pinto's, yet the crown is for your juicy waitress."

Is it just me or is that the greatest election speech of all time? I don't have to have a clue what he's talking about, just says it with such confidence, I eat that shit up. I was just sitting here nodding in agreement, big old breasts that make your tooth bleed aren't fair. That's what I've been saying all along, finally a politician that gets it.

Gonna be a huge day for Obama on the Tab, I can feel it.

Simple Pleasures, Epic Wins

Apologies are in order to my many adoring fans, those obnoxious academic roadblocks affectionately known as “exams” decided to ruin my fun this week.  Professors tell me that the purpose of these exercises is to see how much we as students have “learned”, but all I seem to do accomplish is to cram a massive amount of information into my head for a very short duration in order to cynically manipulate the masses of educational institution personnel into believing that I am intelligent.  The joke is on them because I’ve made an adamant pact with myself about not learning anything useful. 

Anywho, since this past week as well as my past few posts have been largely (edit:  completely) about justifiably bitching about stuff that sucks, I’m here to change my tune a little bit.  Despite my best efforts to find aspects of life to ridicule, there are just those activities and instances that, while seeming like nothing more than a blip on the radar in our daily routine, are so completely awesome that I need to gush extensively about them.  Here they are, in no particular order.

1.)     Putting on Laundry FRESH out of the Dryer

Anyone who is from the Northeast or has lived here the past year understands that winter (which is fast on its way, god damn it) isn’t just a season up here.  It’s a 6 month long masochistic ritual of Mother Nature’s, comprised of bitter environmental conditions marked by piercing winds, frosted car windshields, and a collectively pissed off population.  However, a great silver lining is that when you find sources of warmth during this desolate time, it feels SO good relative to the freezing abyss that envelops our very existence.  Enter warm clothes from the dryer.  You shuffle into the kitchen, shivering slightly while looking for something for breakfast when you hear the buzzer go off from that wonderful piece of home appliance machinery.  As you run over over and slip on that pair of perfect heated jeans, it feels like you have slipped into a denim based Jacuzzi.  Throw on a shirt and you’ve got a brief but full body feeling of all encompassing warmth, like you found some sort of heated caccoon of pure happiness and utter contentment.  Good  shit, especially when it becomes too fucking cold to do anything fun. (Note:  One time I was a little overzealous and put on my dryer warm jeans too quickly and got a zipper burn WAY high up on my inner thigh.  It was in such a terrible spot that whenever my baby creating beanbag brushed against the affliction, it felt like someone was viciously dragging sandpaper across it.  Just a warning to handle this simple pleasure with caution.)

2.)     Taking The “Bladder Almost Bursting” Piss

I’m not talking about a time where you had to hold it a little longer because you were bound by some sort of social deocorum and entertain lame ass relatives/family friends instead of leaving the table.  I’m talking the times you guzzled a 64 ounce Blue Raspberry Slurpee from 7/11 or just had to pound those last 3 Bud Lights before leaving the bar.  All is well with the world until you get that feelling like an overfilled water balloon has just entered your lower stomach and the painful clenching mechanism you have to implement to prevent yourself from going Niagara Falls all over your under garments.  You desperately search for the nearest restroom, typically coming up empty because let’s face it, there is never a bathroom around when you ABSOLUTELY need one.  So you suck it up, duck and cover behind some grimy dumpster while a homeless guy sleeps nearby, and you unload.  Like, with roughly the same water pressure of a fire  hydrant getting it’s cap wrenched off.  The absolute torrent of repressed liquid waste comes out in a deluge….and when you are done, it’s the most gratifying, relieving feeling possible.  Like you are somehow 5 pounds lighter and that you accomplished something significant, when in all reality you probably just urinated all over the structure that homeless guy uses as his refrigerator.  (Yes, I’m being an insensitive asshole.  No, I’m not sorry for it.)

3.)     Childhood Games Turned into a Good Drinking Game

We all had our favorite board games or retro video games that, back in the day, we played entirely for their entertainment value or social bonding that they promoted (unless you were the overly competitive dickhead who flipped the board if he lost at “Sorry”.  You probably didn’t have many friends after that)  But if college has taught me anything, it’s that a majority of undergraduates, while very bland and unmotivated with regards to academic pursuits, suddently become fucking McGivor when it comes to drinking games.  I’ve already seen a number of excellent renditions that achieve the dual purpose of achieving fun AND reckless inebriation.  Beer-io Cart is such an example; one simply combines a game of Mario Kart 64 and drankin’ a burr.  BUT you can only do one at a time; you are either driving or drinking.  See, who says our generation isn’t condoning civic responsibility?  Whoever they are, they can kiss my ass, because even with our drinking games, we don’t mix driving and drinking.  They just occur in a competitive, non-inclusive fashion, which is a delicious combination of nostalgia and drunkenness that always goes down smooth.  What was briefly a favorite of mine was Drunken Jenga (or Jrunken Jenga if you prefer that aesthetic set-up for whatever reason.)  This entailed the usual activities of locating the loose block, using finger dexterity to pry it loose, and place it top of the pile.  Only in this “adult” version, if you succeed at getting a block out, you designate a drink for someone and if you knock it over, you finish your current beverage. I’ve since soured on this specific game because a “friend” of mine suggested the loser of the game needed to do a keg stand.  Being already very far removed from the state of sober and engaging in a game that requires concentration and coordination was the worst possible outcome for this guy.  I knocked the damned tower over 4 fucking times, the final one coming on the SECOND TURN of the game.  Just threw my hand out, backhanding the bile into a big heap of wooden block based failure.  The lesson here:  I no longer find Jenga fun and whoever suggested that mind destroying, blackout inducing policy, I owe you a punch square in the dick.