Staten Island Mom Suing City for $900 Trillion...The Defense Rests

HuffPo- A Staten Island mother is suing the city for a staggering $900 trillion for allegedly wrongfully placing her two sons in foster care and claiming she was mentally unstable. 46-year old Fausat Ogunbayo, who is representing herself, says the Administration for Children's Services's decision to place her children in foster care infringed upon her civil rights and ultimately inflicted "over three years of terror, horror, grievous harm, time lost, substantial economic hardship and injuries." The children, then 12 and 10-years old, have been out of their mother's custody since June 2008. In court papers, the ACS references several peculiar incidents where Ogunbayo sought out medical treatment because she believed her children's skin color was becoming darker due to radiation. In a separate episode, the mother allegedly told school officials the FBI was after the boys. While the city is contending Ogunbayo suffered from such hallucinations and in addition was an absent mother , a separate legal case last month ruled in favor of Ogunbayo with the court stating no substantial evidence indicating the children were ever in "imminent danger" while in their mother's care.

Does the City even need a lawyer on this one? The DA doesn't even have to show up, right? You just let the plaintiff make her opening statement, ask for her $900 trillion and then have some intern stand up and be like, "your honor, we think the plaintiff's statement and demands make our case for us, the defense rests." 

That's all it takes, right? I just feel like when you show up to court asking for $900 trillion you're kinda of just telling the judge that you are in fact crazy and out of touch with reality. 

That's not even a real number, is it? Does the world as a whole have that much money? If you're this woman you at least have to do a little research, I mean, you live in New York, you couldn't swing by the Debt Clock (Below) and just use that as a ball-park figure for your demands? 

Unless of course this is just a negotiating ploy, start out real high and make them meet you somewhere in the middle...maybe that's it. This broad might be craftier than I thought.

Kris Humphries Looks Televise Kim Kardashian Divorce...Obviously.

(NewsCore) - Kim Kardashian's estranged husband, Kris Humphries, wants to televise his divorce trial in a bid to expose the truth behind reality TV, TMZ reported Tuesday. The NBA star and his lawyer Lee Hutton want to prove in court that Kardashian had no intention of staying married and just wanted to boost ratings for her reality show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

People aren't falling for this, right? Like, I'm 100% on team Kris, but even I'm calling bullshit on this one. 

""The NBA Star and his lawyer want to prove in court that Kardashian had no intention of staying married and just wanted to boost ratings for her reality show..."

No freaking shit. Like Kris didn't know this, he remembers that the only reason he even met her was because the producers of Kim's show reached out to the Knicks about a possible husband for Kim K, right? And that he wasn't even the first choice, she wanted his teammate as her fake husband first, but he had other obligations, and oh yea, self respect.

Save it Kris...just come out and admit that you want this on TV so you can profit from it, we'll be cool with it, honestly...we all get that you wouldn't have gotten into this whole thing if it weren't for money, we're ok with it.

Pistachio's - The Most Infuriating and Delicious Food Group

The Pistachio consortium really needs to figure this one out, STAT...Not a good look that the first choice when searching deshelled (which isn't even a word, FYI) is your product, narrowly beating out turtle, whatever the hell that means. 

Here I am minding my own business trying to enjoy a nice snack while watching tv, and I'm a fucking mess. I've basically got an assembly line in front of me, all for a snack. I've got the bag of nuts to the left, a paper plate in the middle (for cracking over), and a solo cup to the right (for the empty shells, obvi). 

And to top it all off, these things are a pain in the ass to crack. Sure when you crack a fresh bag you can grab all the choice nuts, the ones are pretty much cracked open for you...but what about the last 30% of that bag? All the rejects that barely have a crack? Those things suck. 

You're trying with your fingers, but after a half a bag of pistachios the tips of your fingers are pretty dried out from the salt and are starting to hurt. You move to your teeth, which gets the job done but you're living in constant fear of shell-shrapnel launching into your mouth...which with most nuts isn't a big deal but with pistachios its almost a guaranteed trip to the dentist, because for some reason pistachio shells are a tougher material than construction quality lumber.

And is all this really necessary? Should I have to consult Henry Freaking Ford and my orthodontist prior to enjoying a nice bag of nuts? Is it so hard to capture the perfectly salted taste of in-the-shell pistachios in a de-shelled product? How come I can never find that? Every time I go looking the only de-shelled pistachios are labeled "raw and unsalted." That sounds fucking gross. What, only vegans and health nuts are priveledged enough to enjoy de-shelled pistachios? That's racist. 

Time for the shadowy group that is the Pistachio Consortium to admit their wrongs and step their game up....Who's with me!

Gladiator Style Asian Carp Fishing Like a Boss

And PETA will be contacting these bros in 3, 2, 1...

An awesome and hilarious idea, but the execution left me unfulfilled. I don't know, maybe its more difficult than I assume, but aside from the guy with spear and the guy with the tennis racket this just didn't seem like a successful raid.   I think a sort of nunchuck type weapon would be best suited here. The issue they all had seemed to struggle with was balance and I think a nice solid pair of nunchucks would take care of that...just helicoptering fish out of the sky.

Not to name names or pick on anyone specific, but the dude with the barbed bat? No one has ever looked like more of a sissy while wielding a medieval style weapon.