Mexican Jail Break Via Suit-Case Was Nearly Successfull, Mexican Officials Say Nothing to Worry About

(CNN) -- A 19-year-old woman was arrested for allegedly trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a suitcase, according to authorities in the Mexican Caribbean state of Quintana Roo. According to officials at the prison in the city of Chetumal, the state's capital, the woman identified as Maria del Mar Arjona was caught as she was leaving the prison, pulling a black-wheeled suitcase. Authorities said that as she was walking up a staircase to leave the prison, Arjona hit the suitcase against the stairs. When something inside the bulky suitcase moved, guards noticed and stopped Arjona, who acted nervously. The guards then looked inside the suitcase and found her husband, Juan Ramirez Tijerina. Cesar Manuel Castilla, a spokesman for Quintana Roo's Department of Public Safety, says that in any case it would have been extremely difficult for the inmate to escape in the suitcase.

I think I speak for everyone when I say I take absolutely no comfort in the spokesmans words that "it would have been extemely difficult for the inmate to escape in the suitcase," because that is obviously not the case.  This 19 year old woman is obviously no super criminal yet she got all the way to the staircase out of prison before getting caught because her boyfriend couldn't keep his shit together in the suite case.

How about answering why she was able to cart around a human sized suit case in the first place? There's not a policy on this? Like at the door there's not a gigantic fucking sign that says "luggage large enough to smuggle out small-framed Mexicans not allowed past this point?"

Plus how did they even get him in there without anyone noticing? I get that she was there for a conjugal visit but I've just always assumed that conjugal visit meant porno hour for prison guards. You're telling me these guys aren't behind a two sided mirror watching them go at it? What happened here? The guard go to clean himself up and she slipped this carnival act guy into the suitcase while he was searching for tissues? 

And finally, what's the policy on walking prisoners back to their cell? Is this like an honor system thing down in Mexico? After the conjugal visit a guard doesn't come to take him back? You just leave it up to the convicted criminal to do the right thing? 

Yea, sorry Mexico if I don't quite trust your institutional system based on the facts. It's just that here in America we don't see many cases of Samsonite based prison breaks, it's not that our criminals aren't dumb enough to think about it, its that there's just now way it would make it past zipping up the bag before someone noticed. Certainly wouldn't take until the girl was hailing a cab at the exit door.

Beer Snobs Boycotting Clown Shoes Beer because of the Labels? Clown Shoes Writes Hysterical Response

Boston Globe - An entertaining debate is raging right now over at BeerAdvocate.com over the labels that Clown Shoes puts on its beer bottles. A forum message -- posted by one of the people who runs the Cambridge-based Beer Advocate -- argues that the labels used by North Shore brewer Clown Shoes are alternately sexist, racist, and overly risque. "I have been trying to hold my breath about Clownshoes [sic] for a while, but I think today I can officially say that I am done with these beers," the post begins. It goes on to describe the label as "tacky," "borderline sexist or racist," and "classless." In lieu of posting a response on BeerAdvocate.com, Clown Shoes issued a tongue-in-cheek statement this evening that read, in part:

We are sorry for forcing everyone to have to endure the huge amounts of physical and psychological trauma we have caused by putting pictures of robots and cartoon women on our beer labels. God forbid you manage to actually open the bottle after seeing the horribly offensive labels because, as we all know, beers with an average rating of B+ are not even that good and shouldn't be drank by anyone...

As a result of this PR fiasco, we have fired every person on our design team, without severance, and submitted their names to a FBI watch list for people who have terrible senses of humor. We will be replacing them with unemployed accountants, all of whom we have screened to ensure that they have no sense of humor whatsoever and will not go "outside the box" when designing new packaging. We are also making some changes to our existing line-up of beers:

* Brown Angel will now be called "Colorless Angel"

* Eagle Claw Fist will be renamed "Non-Descriptive Bird Appendage Fist" to avoid any further offense to eagles or claws

* HoppyFeet will be changed to "Opaque IPA"

* Tramp Stamp will be renamed "Lower Back Tattoo" to avoid any conflicts with the NAWWRGTS (National Association of Women Who Regret Getting Tramp Stamps)

* Lubrication will be renamed "Slippery Petroleum Byproduct"...

Question, does Clown Shoes Beer want to advertise here on The Alt-Tab? That's gotta be what they're going for with this response, right? They had to know I'd see this and want to contact them immediately to line up sponsorship and promotional events?  Because that is without a doubt the best response I've ever seen out of a company in regards to critics questioning a companies political correctness. Bravo gentelman, bravo.

After reading this I may have to revise my old "People I Hate: Beer Snobs" blog to include differing levels of beer snobs, including assholes who refuse to drink a beer based on the PC'ness of the label.  What a bunch of assbags those guys are.

Punk Kid Tortured By Grandma With a Hose Over Eating the Last Piece of Bacon Got What he Deserved

The Smoking Gun - Meet Marilee Ann Kolynych. The Pennsylvania grandmother, 63, is set for a preliminary court hearing Thursday in connection with her arrest last week for endangering the welfare of her nine-year-old grandson. Kolynych was busted after she chased the boy from her home and pinned him down on the front lawn, where she blasted him in the face with a garden hose. Police reported that the woman was angry with the child because he had consumed more bacon than anyone else during breakfast. The boy told a Clifton Heights Police Department officer that he had “been getting tortured by his grandmother…all day for an incident that took place during breakfast.” The boy was not harmed during the June 28 confrontation.

 If this isn't a case of false imprisonment then I don't know what is. I mean if the boy wasn't harmed than what's the issue here, frankly, he got what he deserved. You can't just eat more than your fair share of breakfast and expect to get away with it scot free. 

I can't even tell you how many times I would have been arrested for this shit growing up if this kind of law was enforced in my town.  The weekend breakfast table was an absolute battle ground in my house, didn't matter if it was a simple day of cereal and juice or a full on breakfast of bacon, pancakes, and eggs, the battle lines were clear; we were all out for that last piece of bacon, that last pancake, that last bowl of cinnamon toast crunch. It was so bad some days we'd just eat the bacon as it came off the pan, wouldn't wait for our plates, didn't want to be late to the game.  

Hell we fought over sections of the newspaper. Pretty sure my brother wasn't even old enough to read but if he got to the table first he'd hoard the sports section on me, smart too, held it as leverage for an extra serving of food. 

Cereal was by far the worst in our case though. We'd legitimately get to the table and consume the largest bowls of cinnamon toast crunch as physically possible and then top it off with a refill afterwards.  A lot of times words weren't even spoken, just a few passive aggressively shot glances and a knowing that as the older brother I was going to make him pay if he even thought about eating the last bowl. 

The best part was smugly watching as the losers halfheartedly filled their bowl half with cinnamon toast crunch, half with frosted flakes when there wasn't enough of either leftover. Just a thrilling feeling of victory....looking back we may have been eating an unhealthy amount of cereal.

Boulder Man Drunkenly Takes Joyride on City Owned Tractor in a Stand Against Big Government.

Jesse Jackson better be looking over his shoulder, there's a new black leader in town.

Daily Camera - A Boulder man was arrested on suspicion of driving a city maintenance tractor while drunk at the Boulder Reservoir on the Fourth of July. Boulder police received a call a little before 7 p.m. Monday that a man had gotten into the tractor and driven it from an area near the maintenance building, past the boat launch area, to the parking lot near the volleyball court, Boulder police spokeswoman Kim Kobel said. According to a police report, the keys were in the tractor -- a John Deere 4200 with a forklift on the front and a rototiller on the back -- because a city worker was in the process of moving the vehicle, Kobel said. Police found the man witnesses said was driving the tractor at the volleyball court. According to the report, Phillip Harold Hall, 23, admitted to driving the tractor and said he had fun, before asking whether he was in trouble, Kobel said. When asked if he had been drinking, Hall told police, "I'm drunk for sure, but I'm trying to establish my independence," Kobel said. Hall was booked into the Boulder County Jail on suspicion of driving under the influence and DUI per se.

This is a guy who gets it.  Its July 4th for crying out loud, just let the man exercise his independence.  If there was anything our forefathers stood for it was the fight against government oppression, and that's what we got ourselves a case of right here.  The similarities are  uncanny. 

Tired of paying taxes and royalties to an absentee government with no representation our forefathers banded together to rebel and fight for this great country we live in today, just like what Phillip Harold Hall was trying to do this weekend...Tired of paying taxes used to purchase and operate municipal landscaping gear and reaping none of the fun, Phillip decided he was going to rectify the situation the only way he knew how.  By taking back a piece of government equipment he helped fund. 

Sure, you may point out the drastic differences in what each was fighting for, the original Patriots fighting for freedom and a right to fair government and politics, Phillip the right to joy ride on city property while intoxicated but at their core they're fundamentally the same issue.  Phillip is a hero, a martyr if you will, he knew when to draw the line. If he just let that tractor pass, didn't take it for a drunken spin, then what next? It's a slippery slope, you give big governemnent an inch, next thing you know they're raising your taxes, foreclosing on  your homestead and incurring the rights of Prima Nocta.

Could Bob Ward Comparing Lizzie Borden to Case Anthony be Anymore Off Base?

My Fox Boston - Many people are calling Casey Anthony OJ II. But I say, we need to go even further back, to Lizzie Borden, to understand this acquittal. Hear me out (we'll get to that Bob).

Wow, when I first heard that head line last night, I was like, "hmm, I wonder where he's going with this." And now after reading his piece, I'm still like "hmm, where's he going with this." I know its the job of crime reporters to dig up sensational headlines and and glamour cases to capture the publics attention, but shouldn't they be at least somewhat based in fact? This most recent Bob Ward column just wreaks of a super outlandish headline just to draw hits to the website.  I mean his basic argument can be widdled down that both Lizzie Borden and Casey Anthony were young girls accused of murder who were eventually acquitted despite being guilty in the court of public opinion...could the same not be said for any woman found innocent of murder charges? Lets hear him out:

-On August 4, 1892, Lizzie Borden's father, Andrew, and her step mother, Abby, were bludgeoned in their Fall River, MA home - You're right, they are similar! Casey was accused of killing her toddler child and Lizzie of bludgeoning both of her parents! I can't believe the similarities, its like a copy cat murder!

-In 1892, just before the murders, Lizzie tried to buy a form of cyanide from a druggist, she was turned away. In 2008, we had Google searches for chloroform in the Anthony home when only Casey had access to a computer. - Seemingly similar, except I never really bought into the chloroform argument. Plus, trying to buy cyanide directly before your parents were gruesomely killed is a bit of a stronger link than googling chloroform at some point prior to your daughter disappearing. Do you know how fucked I'd be if I was ever charged with a crime and someone checked my google history? There's all sorts of weird shit in there, I'm just a curious guy. Not to mention that we're talking about her toddler of a daughter here, I'm fairly certain she didn't need chloroform to over power her.  Not saying it doesn't look sketchy as hell, just saying its not exactly attempting to purchase and illegal and deadly poison in person shortly before your parents are found dead.

- And in both highly watched trials, both Borden and Anthony were acquitted quickly; Lizzie's jury came back in 90 minutes, Casey's just over ten hours. In the face of such seemingly overwhelming evidence, both trials ended with acquittals. - Well Bob, now you're saying things, I'd love to know how people were watching the Lizzie Borden trial across the nation in 1892, fairly certain Court TV didn't have live coverage. And I'm also pretty sure that any news on the trial would have reached other parts of the country via newspaper days after the fact. Not exactly the same as today where at any given moment you could receive tweets on the case like "Casey's tits look particularly perky today."

-In Lizzie Borden's trial, the all male jury admitted it could not conceive of a woman committing such a brutal murder. Add to the fact that a conviction would send Lizzie Borden to the gallows in an age before endless appeals, made it impossible that Lizzie Borden would ever be convicted. We don't know why Casey Anthony's jury refused to convict her for Caylee's death. But remember, Casey like Lizzie, was facing the prospect of death if convicted of First Degree Murder. - Exactly, we don't know, but I'm inclined to give the jurors the benefit of the doubt that they probably weighed the actual evidence, not the sensational headlines, and came to a decision.  She didn't have an all male jury, and it's not uncommon for women to be convicted of crimes this day and age. Basically there is no relation between the outcome of Borden's and Anthony's case.

Consider yourself lawyered Bob.

Wake Up With The Jizzle!

I alternated between borderline puking and laughing my ass off throughout the video. 

Shamwow guys gotta be pissed though, huh? If ever there was product a hooker-beating john should be out there selling this is it.  Can't tell me he doesn't have a few jizzles in his glove compartment, just in case.