Chinese People Taking Birthing Advice from Restaurant Zodiac Place Mats

Time - Monday marks the beginning of the Year of the Dragon, and Chinese communities around the world will celebrate with extravagant festivities, vibrant parades and an influx in consumer spending. But forecasters and health officials are anticipating another boost: a wave of births. State news agency Xinhua says China is expecting a 5% increase in the number of babies born in 2012, the BBC reports. The dragon, considered the most auspicious zodiac sign in Chinese culture, is often associated with good fortune and intelligence and is believed to be the sign of those destined for success. In places like China, an already densely inhabited country with 1.3 billion people, the potential increase might put pressure on parents who must adhere to the country’s one-child policy as well as compete for spots in the most elite schools.

See, this is why I'm not overly concerned (yet) about Asia and more specifically China, rising up and dominating the world. I mean, first off, they can't even keep track of when New Years is...Guys, that shit happened like 3 weeks ago now...I know the international dateline can be a little confusing, but at most its a 12 hour difference, not a fortnight. Try and keep up.

But secondly, they're still taking medical and financial advice from Chinese Food Restaurant novelty place mats and fortune cookies. How crazy do you have to be to be planning out your birthing schedule over a couple sides of dumplings and crab rangoon? You don't see white people sitting around in McDonald's enjoying a Big Mac and using the Monopoly game to plot huge life changing decisions, do you? 

PS: If you are going to take procreation advice from place mats, just based on that image above, how do you not go with the Snake? I'd rather have good luck with money than be thought of as a careful listener with good health. I can buy good health with my good luck with money...Plus how about these parents, all worried about having kids this year because the schools will be over crowded when it's their time to enroll...Wait a frigen year then, then your kid will have no competition and will be guaranteed to get into whatever the Harvard of China is. Chinese, I feel like I have to explain everything to them.

The Evolution of Cameron Diaz...It's Not Pretty

Fox - When Cameron Diaz stepped out in Paris this week, her fans were left scratching their heads at her new look. It was a big departure from her look back in 2007 (in gold). Was it her sleek bob, combed back off of her face? No. Was it her freshly bronzed tan look? Nope, not that either. It was Cameron’s face that was looking a little … different.

Yikes, not a good look Cameron, I mean look what you're doing to yourself? Went from a certified dime piece (yep, just as I thought,I'm waayyy to white to pull that one off) hott enough to get Justin Timberlake over Britney Spears in her prime, to ARod's creatine partner, to a slightly younger version of Steven Tyler? 

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but this is exactly what you're going to look like in like, 5 years. And of course the next logical step is the Tales from Crypt, Crypt Keeper below (frankly, I'm shocked Steven has been able to hold that inevitable step off for so long). 

Good luck finding a suitable mate now that they know exactly how your aging process is going to go...Can't imagine there's much of market for high maintenance goblins

Survey Says: His Schlong! Steve Harvey Just Desecrating the Family Feud

Al Borland and his Midwest sensibilities must be rolling in their graves.

Freaking Steve Harvey, you can't just take over a family classic and start sullying it with your dirty porn mouth. "His Schlong." Really Steve? After Bob Barker retired over at The Price is Right did Drew Care just come in and turn the whole thing into one big key party? You're goddamn right he didn't. Have some respect for those who came before you.

PS: Does it make me an asshole that every time I think of Steve Harvey I can't help but think that I wish it was him that died and not Bernie Mac? The guy was clearly the weak link in the Original Kings of Comedy.