Colorado Easter Egg Hunt Cancelled Due to Aggressive Parents

COLORADO SPRINGS – The children of one Colorado town will miss out on their annual Easter Egg hunt in a local park this year after the event was cancelled due to parents getting "too aggressive" at last year's event. "It's sort of got out of hand," said Dave Van Ness, executive director for the Old Colorado City Associates. Hundreds of parents reportedly jumped over ropes into a kids-only section of the hunt to ensure their kids got as many eggs as possible. Their actions caused the hunt to be over in seconds, to the dismay of egg-less children and their parents.

First off, lets just pump the breaks on call this even a "hunt." A hunt implies tracking and searching, those eggs were just laid out in the middle of the lawn, if your kids aren't able to track down a few fluorescent and pastel colored eggs in the middle of a taped off lawn, then you've probably got bigger things to worry about.

Secondly, quitting is not the answer here. The answer is adult aged easter egg hunts, Hunger Games Style.

Look, this issue isn't going to go away. As more and more people from my generation have kids, its only going to get worse. We're the first batch of children raised by "helicopter parents." We're hardwired to believe we're entitled to anything we want. It's encoded in our DNA, just like the lion knows to tackle the gazelle, you toss out some easter eggs onto a lawn, Generation Y adults are going to race to gather them. It's genetics.

There's no fighting it. I'm the oldest of three children, meaning Easter egg hunts went on long after the idea of some minimum wage worker in a gigantic bunny costume breaking into my house at night and hiding plastic eggs full of nickels and quarters without robbing us was believable. Did that mean I let my younger siblings win? Hell no. I raced around the house like a mad man...I pushed them out of the way when I had to, sometimes my parents restrained me, which infuriated me to no end. Bottom line, you tell me there's an egg hidden in the house, I'm going to be the one to find it, god help whoever gets in my way. 

Which brings me back to my proposal...Why not just start having adult Easter egg hunts on town lawns and playgrounds? Just a once a year break for us adults trying to move on to regular adulthood, but who also need an escape once a year. Just lock us into some school yard, hide a ton of eggs, no ground rules, gates open at sundown, whoever survives, survives (and I don't doubt for a second that there would be some casualties).

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Wow...Talk about hitting the nail on the head. You've got Grandma and Grandpa wearing perfect replicas of that old white person style, a little bit of leisure, comfort, and sensibility all rolled into a singular outfit.  I have no idea where you'd even go to put together your typical grandparent outfit, I'm guessing its something the AARP notifies you of once you hit a certain age.

Mom and Dad just doing their thing in their slightly authority-like clothes (though mom should probably be in mom jeans, kind of an oversight).

And the children, stereo-typical white kid prepsters. The overachieving daughter with her form fitting sweater and her headband that gives her a slight air of "stuckuppedness," the son who dresses like Seth Cohen due to way to many hours of prime time TV watching in which every teenager is dressed like they're in the middle of a Sears Catalog fashion shoot, and the two babies, apparently wearing bed time gear...Because even when playing make believe, you just want your kids to shut up and go to bed I guess.

And it doesn't just end with "White Family," either. Block Play People are nothing if not in favor of the old Separate but Equal laws of the old south...Just look:

My only puzzlement is the native American Family...Because if my white guilt laden middle school social studies classes taught me anything its that Native Americans don't exist anymore.

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"DOWN GOES IGOR"

How long until Chris Paul incorporates this flop into his game? Guy is probably at home studying the tape right now...Lob City? More like FLOP City. (Heyyoooo)