Worker Urinates on all the Hot Women In the Office's Chairs

Her chair definitely was not peed on.

West Des Moines police are investigating whether criminal charges are warranted in the case of a Farm Bureau employee behaving badly. A Farm Bureau vice president told authorities that one of the agency’s employees had been caught on video urinating on the office chairs of four female co-workers. The suspect, a 59-year-old man from Des Moines, was fired Monday, the same day police were informed of the incident at 5400 University Ave. Police documents said the man would look up employee photos in the database. He “would pick out the attractive females and then on off-hours, he would come into work, go to their desk and urinate on their chairs.”

Let's get one thing straight, the hot girls in this office are going to be just fine. Yes it may be a bit creepy, but at the end of the day, they were just getting hit on.  Hot girls have been getting hit on since they were teenagers, they've undoubtedly dealt with their fair share of creeps and know how to handle it at this point. It just comes with the territory when you're a hot female. 

The real damage here is to the uggo's of the office. How low is your self-esteem when you find out your chair wasn't even piss-worthy? Your year is just ruined. This isn't not getting hit on at the food court in the mall as a teenager, that probably sucked, but was explainable, you're ugly. This is some absolute creepo deciding that your office furniture isn't worthy of his anonymous urine, strictly based on your looks. 

I'd be shocked if these woman don't need psychiatric counseling after this...If the males in that office have any heart at all, they'll swing by all the ugly chick's desks tonight and take a quick piss, if only for office productivity reasons.

I Find it Astounding That there are People Who Fundamentally Don't Understand the Lottery

So yesterday at work I was involved in a classic e-mail chain regarding what else, tonight's Mega Millions drawing. The basic issue at hand, two of our friends just straight up don't understand how the lottery works. It blows my mind.

Lets give you a little background, I have one friend, we'll call him Dr. Jack and he may or may not occasionally write TV related blogs here, who I heard second hand asked "where does one buy lottery tickets." Ok, that's issue one.

I have another friend, formerly one time co-blogger pennypacker, who basically admitted to having no idea that, A) the lottery was at a record high, and  B) How a lottery works.  Sample questions:

oh ... ah I'm good, when is the drawing anyway?  is this a ma lottery or national

i always wonder what the tipping point is on these thing ... the lotto will be at $400 mil and no one will buy and it will get to like $450 mil, the news will call it the biggest ever and then everyone buys ... weird dynamic

AND

is there definitely a winner for this thing?  I'm really not too familiar but dont think there's always a winner

AND

But can u choose you numbers?

Those are all direct quotes. DIRECT QUOTES.

It got me thinking about which stance was more absurd. I'm fairly certain it's a dead heat.

On the one hand, "Dr. Jack" only presents one issue, not knowing where to buy tickets, while friend B, has a whole host of issues going on, but...

I kinda feel like Friend B just might be yanking my chain? Like any kid that's been to Chuckee Cheese knows how the lottery works after playing that game where you drop a token in and hope yours pushes all the others over the edge, you learn that around the age of 6. And then there's slot machines, which whether you play them or not, if you have an IQ above 80 you know the idea behind them. 

Dr. Jack on the other hand is crazy.  I've known where to buy lottery tickets since i was 8? Maybe even 6? I'd wager that you can't walk 3 blocks in any direction in the city without crossing at least one place where you can buy tickets. Not having played before is one thing, but the idea that you've never once noticed people buying lottery tickets while you were in a convenience store, just blows my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I ridiculed Friend B mercilessly yesterday. He's a relatively smart kid (or so I thought) just apparently lacking any general knowledge of the operational workings for how a lottery works.  But I think Dr. Jack still takes the cake. The level of oblivion involved in not knowing where to buy a lottery ticket is flat out impressive. That's over two decades of oblivion. 

Feel free to weigh in, but my stance is pretty clear...not knowing where to buy a ticket is WAY more of an unbelievable phenomenon than Friend B's utter ignorance of the lottery. 

How Fast Would You Change Places with Hurley from Lost to Win Tonight's Mega Millions?

Remember Hurley? Always bitching and moaning about all the bad luck he had after winning a near record lottery? I'd take that bad luck in an overly obese man's heartbeat. Seriously man, quit your bitching.

I've never understood all these "curse of the lottery" articles that come out every time Powerball or Mega Millions hits an absurd number. CNN and Fox News acting like mega rich lottery winners are the only ones with tragedy in their lives, and all the money in the world couldn't buy them happiness.

Well maybe it can't, and maybe getting stuck on Lost Island for a few televisions season sucked, but you know who else thought it sucked, all the other people from Lost WHO WEREN'T MILLIONAIRES...Yea, it's not like Hurley was the only one stuck on that island, or the only one who had a little bit of bad fortune back home. But you know what the difference was? The rest of them would all have to go back to every day grinds back home, earning their paychecks, Hurley would still be a mega-millionaire. 

Same shit applies in real life. I'm so tired of reading these sob stories about people who win the lottery. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. Maybe money can't buy you happiness, but it for sure helps you handle problems along the way. Plenty of people experience tragedy every day that haven't won the lottery, I don't see any news stories popping up about the curse of not winning Mega-Millions though.  It's like I'm living in a bizarro world where I'm supposed to feel sympathy for some truck driver who won a whole new life he could have never in a million years experienced based on his career and educational choices, just because there were a few deaths in the family, or a few lawsuits came his way. Big fucking whoop, that shit happens every day to everyone, they'd gladly change places to have it happening while also having North of $100MM lying around in their checkbook, that's for damn sure.

What Would I Do If I Won Tonight's Mega Millions?

Since everyone else is weighing in with what they'd do with the winnings they're not going to win, I figured I'd put in my two cents.

I'd do nothing. Yea, I'd do the obvious things, buy a couple houses, a new car or two, vacation all over the place, and maybe pay E! to take the Kardashians off air once and for all, but by and large I'd do nothing.

 That's what I live for. I spend every day rushing through everything I have to do, all in hopes of having a few more minutes during the work day to slack off, or an extra half hour at night on the couch with the DVR. My ultimate goal is to just have nothing to do, and the only feasible way I see that being possible is buy having over half a billion dollars handed to you for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

And before anyone gets this really depressed image of me, it's  not like that. I like doing things, I look forward to things I want to do. I just abhor things I have to do. Even simple things like laundry, or unloading the dishwasher...I may be the fastest non-mexican dishwasher you'll ever see. I power my way through that, because every second I waste scrubbing pasta sauce off a plate, is a second I die a little in side, it's one less second I could be spending just vegging out, doing nothing.

So that's what I'd  do. All these people with wild business ideas, charitable ideas, all this other crap, they're crazy. I'd use the money to live the lifestyle I've always wanted, a lifestyle of no responsibilities, no where to be, and no one to answer to. A man can dream.

Giving the 1996 Umass, Coach Cal v. Rick Pitino and Kentucky Final Four It's Just Due

It did happen, stop pretending like it didnt.

Since ESPN is blatantly ignoring the fact that these two met each other in a Final Four once before (seriously, try to find a mention of it on ESPN. Even the article entirely devoted to tracking their career arcs, mentions that Calipari coached UMASS to the Final Four in 1996 and Kentucky won the Championship in 96, yet does not mention that they played eachother) I figured I'd make mention, I mean I know that it "didn't happen", and yet in a very real way, it totally happened. 

And it's basically the reason I'll Ride or Die with Coach Cal for life, it's the reason I never really trusted Pitino when he came to the Celtics (which was backed up shortly thereafter when he cost the franchise a decade of wallowing).  Coach Cal brought THE home team to prominence right during the stretch of time where my rooting allegiances were forming...My favorite players, teams, and coaches in any sport from that general stretch of time (91-96 when I was ages 7-12) are still by and large my favorite players, teams and coaches. It's that magical time for a sports fan, you're old enough to comprehend the game and the rooting alliances as a fan, and yet everything still seems so pure and magical to you. 

That's why a lot of people don't necessarily understand my allegiance to Coach Cal...through the Final Fours being vacated and the countless accusations and media vitriol against him, I stayed with him.  Those Refuse to Lose UMASS teams literally shaped my idea of what college basketball should look like. Dana Dingle, Padilla and Travieso, Camby, Lou Roe (yes he wasn't a part of the 96 team, but he was easily the most important player for UMASS during Calipari's time), Donta Bright...these guys were it for me, it was and still is by far the coolest basketball team ever to me, the Fab Five can suck on that.  Hell, one of the most devastating moments as a youth sports fan came for me when the 96 team lost their undefeated season to George Washington, I was inconsolable, that's how much this team meant to me.  And the man behind it all was Calipari. Sure the program was ruined with the finding that Camby had accepted money NBA agents while still in college, but it doesn't kill the memory for me. If it weren't for Coach Cal and his ability to recruit and coach those teams who knows who I would have grown up rooting for BC? HURHGHH, I just dry heaved. Can you imagine your youth basketball perception being shaped by a flex-offense driven team, content to score 60 points a game. Gross. 

So yes, I'll be rooting for Calipari this weekend, and in a strange, maybe delusional way, I'll see a Kentucky victory as a victory for UMASS, a coming full circle type event. Calipari is the one with the team loaded with NBA talent this time around, Pitino the one who did a phenomenal coaching job just to get his team to this point. Lets hope history repeats itself. 

And for anyone feeling a bit nostalgic, here's a where are they now piece about the 96 team. Yea it's from 2006, but its still a treasure trove of memories...And yes, Padilla and Travieso are still best friends, thank god.