Stocks Surge On News of Dead Workers, Because of the Lower Unemployment Rate, Natch.

Economists can be a cold, calculating type, huh?

Can't really question their logic though.  Guess those financial experts have been right all along, financial recovery really does correlate directly with the unemployment rate.

I'm not sure this is the way Economists hoped to prove their theory, but proof is proof.  A few less mouths to feed = less foodstamps = less government assistance = less taxes = more money in my pocket for spending and investing. 

Finally Found My Dream Job: Beach Tester. Bonus-It's a Real Job!

(NewsCore) - A lifestyle magazine in Sweden was advertising Thursday for a "beach tester" who would receive full-body massages, drink wine at local taverns and read books, in what might be the best job in the world..."Included in the job assignment is going on outings, lying on beach chairs, drinking wine in local taverns and other ordinary assignments found in a commercial beach and tourist environment. In certain areas, receiving a full-body massage, testing drinks, snorkeling and book reading may be required," the ad reads. Those applying for the job must be able to swim, be willing to work late nights and, most enticingly, "have the capacity to rest/do nothing for long periods of time."

Where does CW sign? Seriously, send me the paper work, I'm perfect for this job - "have the capacity to rest/do nothing for long periods of time."  That pretty much describes my dream lifestyle.  Would probably kill the blog, not much to be snarky about after sitting on a beach all day soaking in rays and massages, but I think I'd take that trade off.

Hey US government, pay attention here, this is the kind of job you should be creating to lower the unemployment number.  Quit trying to create crappy minimum wage clerk jobs, no one wants that shit.  If you paid me $7.50 an hour to sit on beaches across the country though? Whole other beast. I'd quit my real job right now.  Who needs a 401k and health insurance when you're life is that of a beach bum?

This Weeks Lottery Jackpot Winners from Albany Look Surprisingly Like Normal People

Normalest clan of lottery winners these eyes have ever seen.  Without fail your jackpot winners are normally some backwoods hicks, poor as shit, rubbing two pennies together to get by, or hood-rat hoochie mamas just trying to pay for her weave on layaway, or the old couple who ends up giving away all their money to God and their grandchildren, because they don't have that much time left anyway.

Then you go these average looking people.  Which pisses me off. There is no difference between these people and me, and yet here the are, rich as fuck, while I'm blogging my arse off and holding down a full time job for peanuts.

The hood-rats, elderly, and poor I'm fine with, I get it. Sometimes you get rewarded for our trials and tribulations.  But this group of average-Joe's just got the reward of a lifetime for living a mundane life, just like yours truly.  Where's my lottery ticket, my golden goose, my ride on easy street?  What the hell world, throw me a frigen bone here.

The only person possibly more upset about this than me has got to be that one guy that skipped out on the weekly lottery pool this time around.  Has anyone checked his apartment, made sure he's still alive.  That dude should be on 24 hour suicide watch.

Condo Associations Want Kids Banned From Playing Outside

EDGEWATER, Fla. -- A Central Florida homeowners association is preparing to vote on banning children from playing outside. "I think people forgot what it was like to be a kid and want to go outside and play," said resident Shawna Magee, who is fighting the proposal. The HOA board said the proposed rule, which will carry a $100 fine for every violation, is all about safety...The proposal states that "minor children will be under the direct control of a responsible adult at all times," and it would also ban the game of tag, skateboarding, Big Wheels, loud or obnoxious toys on "common property."

No Shawna Magee, I think it is you that has forgotten what it was like to be a kid and want to go outside and play.

10 years ago CW would've been totally against this rule.  Present day cranky, car owner CW, totally for it.  I don't need these grimy kids playing their stick ball and kick the can in my parking lot.  Skipping rocks and hopping scotch.  Back away from the paint job kid, just had that beauty waxed like 13 months ago. 

Seriously, in no matter of life has my point of view changed so drastically, so quickly, as when it comes to how I view childhood shennanagins.  Like I even see a kid walking up the side walk or loitering in front of our parking lot and I stand there and mean mug the shit out of them, just stare them right down.  

Partially because it's one of the few times I get to feel tough and in control, partially because I know what you're up to.  I was that age not long ago, the second I turn my back you're going to steal the chromies off my tires and draw dicks and testicles on my car with window paint. I know your type.

So you kids can keep hamming it up, pretending you're all innocent and just looking for a place to play tag with your friends.  CW knows better and he's got his eyes on you, Mother F-er's (sorry, I'm not going to swear at children, I've got some limits). 

Khloe Kardashian Says "I'm the Fat one, I'm the transvestite"

Fox News - Khloe Kardashian talks to Cosmopolitan Middle East about keeping her self esteem up when people tend to say pretty nasty things about her.  “I’m the ugly sister. I’m the fat one. I’m the transvestite. I have had those mean things said about me at least twice a day for the last five years.  "It’s horrible, you know? But I can brush that stuff off ... Kim and Kourtney have said to me, ‘If we were put under the same negative attention that you are, we couldn’t handle it.’  "If I want to wear a long flowing dress, someone will say I’m pregnant. I believe we’re not given any more than we can handle and most of the time I can handle it. But we all have fat days and if I’m having one of those days, those sorts of things make me feel down.”

Your words, not mine Khloe.

Has anyone ever built a more successful career off of being fat and ugly before than Khloe Kardashian?  Just rolling with the punches, playing up the pregnant transvestite card to perfection.

Of course she can brush that stuff off, she's making bank.  And it's not like she had to release a sex tape like Kim or anything.  I mean I'm pretty sure getting called fat, fugly, miss piggy, he-she, etc...is nothing compared to have your girly parts plowed on the internet for all to see. So she does have that going for her.

Wellesley High school Volley Ball Coached Fired For "Accidentally" Showing Porn During Practice

Wicked Local - Wellesley High School’s boys and girls volleyball coach resigned after reportedly showing adult pornography to students during a practice last week. Wayne Lem, who coached both volleyball teams, was allegedly trying to show students video of a volleyball game when a pornographic video appeared on the screen...A female member of the girl’s junior varsity volleyball team said she was in the room at the time. She said there were only a few students there and described the incident as an awkward and unfortunate accident...That student said the video played for about 30 seconds as Lem attempted to turn it off. Once the incident was over, she said, the students tried to make light of the situation. “It was mostly like joking, like we thought it was a joke,” she said. “It wasn’t serious or anything and we kind of laughed it off.”

Who is Coach Lem fooling here.  This is the oldest trick in the book, doesn't matter if you're pretending to show a slide show, old home movies, or a scouting video for girls high school volleyball.  Everyone knows the move, you splice in a few scenes and gauge everyone's reactions.  This coach knew exactly what he was doing.

And even more disturbingly it looks like it was a smashing success, like not one chic is complaining here? Everyone laughed it off and made jokes? Are parents even upset? What is going on in Wellesley?

If I were a still a high school aged boy I'd be demanding my parents move to Wellesley right now.  It's like teenage boy heaven over there.  Chics just watching porn during sports practice and laughing it off like it's no big deal.  Not a care in the world that the old man coaching their volleyball team was catching up on his latest porno rentals on the school's VCR on the weekends.  Doesn't phase them in the least. 

I don't know if Wellesley is the most enlightened city in America or the most perverted, but I can gaurantee every 16-18 year old boy in the tri-state area is trying facebook stalking the shit out of Wellesley high girls right now, scheming for Prom and Home Coming dates.

Good To have A-Rod Back in My Life, God I hate That Guy

The great ones really know how to tune everything out and focus on the task at hand.  I mean look at his face, pure passion, and determination, focused on the dick-sucking fantasy of a lifetime.  Not going to let a little thing like a major league at-bat get in his way...