Charlie Sheen's Publicist Quits, Sheen Goes on Winning Without Him.

Fox News - Charlie Sheen has just lost another close confidante, his long-time publicist, Stan Rosenfield. Just hours after an interview with the controversial “Two-and-a-Half Men” star aired on the Today Show, and following a string of random radio interviews, Rosenfield, who also represents Robert DeNiro, George Clooney, Kelsey Grammer and Morgan Freeman, released a statement confirming that he had severed ties with Sheen.

So you're telling me Charlie Sheen is putting on this all-time great media blitz all on his own? No help from professionals? He's not only the talent but he's the booking agent, coordinating seemingly dozens of inverviews per day for the last week?  The guy is an even bigger genius than I've been giving him credit for, Winning. 

And what is with this frigen sissy-man quitting right when he has to work for his pay check for the first time ever? The guy drums up publicity on his own, half your job is already done, all you have to do is make sure he looks like the good guy in all of this.

Any publicist worth their jockstrap should be clamoring for this job.  It's the ultimate win-win situation.  You take the job and somehow convince Charlie Sheen that he's not immortal and can't blow mountains of coke and bang porn stars with out the risk of a massive coronary or gonhorrea and you're suddenly the hottest publicist in town, again Winning, sorry. You fail? Who gives a shit. The guy is a manic bi-polar drug addict no one will blame you.  You can't lose.  Charlie, give the CW a ring if you're in need of a new publicist.  I'll let you be yourself, winning, banging, and blowing your way to the top.

PS: What the hell does Kelsey Grammer need a publicist for? He still works?

Lindsay Lohan's Comeback to Include Book of Nude Photos with James Franco?

MovieFone - She's still facing significant jail time and is in no way out of the woods just yet, but Lindsay Lohan is not-so-quietly mounting an attempted comeback in an effort to remain somewhat relevant. The Monday after the 2011 Academy Awards has produced two pieces of Lindsay Lohan news that, surprisingly, don't involve her violating parole or copping a plea deal.  First up is news that Lohan has reportedly signed a deal to appear in an "explicit photography book" that, if true (this report comes from the Mirror, so, you know ...) sorta sounds like Madonna's 1992 controversial-at-the-time coffee-table book 'Sex.' Making this whole thing just a bit stranger is the additional news that Lohan will be posing for "graphic" shots full of "full-frontal nudity" with -- wait for it -- James Franco, of all people.


Which would have been exciting news 2 years ago, you know, when she didn't look like a burnt out coke addict like she does now.  And I'm no PR specialist but maybe the best way to rehab your image isn't exposing your goodies for the world to see in a hard bound book.  Maybe just lay low for a bit, do some charity work, a couple play it safe movies, and I don't know, work on not getting arrested for a good 6 months or so?

And is there anything James Franco won't do?  Don't get me wrong, I find him cool as hell, I'm just curious what kind of job offer it would take for him to say no? Offers to pose nude with a burntout, kleptomaniac, junky (and presumably walking STD) apparently don't scare him off. 

My Rainy Day Fantasy

 

Here's the thing, I dream about doing this every single time we get a legit rain storm.  I absolutely love driving through the huge puddles for reasons I don't quite understand and I'm sure would take a good Doc a few sessions to figure out.  Additionally I love seeing people fall, get hit, or have their days ruined by gigantic walls of water as they're waking to work, the grocery store, or the bus stop.  I think it's hilarious.

Now here's the shocker. I've never actually done it.  For a while it was because of a lack of opportunities. I'd always envisioned that being one of the first things I did once I got my license but somehow, and I'm not exagerrating, I went a good 3 years before crossing my first perfect situation for it.  And I choked.  Couldn't do it.  I was passed that prime asshole phase for drivers between 16 and 18.  I started to veer and then these thoughts from my conscience crept in like "what if he's off to a job interview," and "his life must aleady suck, why else would he be he's walking in the rain," and "what if he recognizes my car and kills me in my ghetto apartment tonight."  It sucked, for the first time in my life I was a socially conscious person, it couldn't have happened at a worse time.

Here I am, seven years later and I still haven't drenched anyone to this day.  I see pictures like the one above, the driver clearly having the time of her life, the jogger clearly thinking about killing himself, and it makes me laugh.  I wish I could be that happy.  It looks like an awesome time, but I still know deep down that fundamentally as a person, I just can't do it.  I guess I'm just a pussy.

Google Accidentally Loses A Shit Ton of Gmail Accounts

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- Imagine opening up your e-mail and finding years of correspondence gone.  As many as 150,000 Gmail users have been confronting that scary scenario throughout the past day. Around 3:00 pm ET Sunday, Google began "investigating reports of an issue" with its popular e-mail service...I logged in and my account also looks like a brand-new Gmail account ! 10 years of emails (17000 of them) are gone," one user wrote on Google's help forum thread. "This happened to me this a.m. Everything from 6 years gone. Contact list is fine, but all communications have been deleted," another wrote. "If, ultimately, Google does not make this right in a timely way and I lose the main record of the last 7 years of my life.

Allright Dorks and Dorkettes, everyone calm the hell down.   Unless this impacted a business of yours and cost you actual money everyone can cut the shit (and even then you shouldn't be using a standard issue gmail account if your business is that important).  Like the guy with 17000 emails over 10 years.  Hey buddy, you don't have to save and archive every email you ever received.  I'm sure that 2002 Blue Mountain e-card from your zany-aunt on your birthday isn't something you desperately need.  Same with records of your 2004 utility bills that you paid online.   

I get panicked and start having cold sweats when I have more than 10 emails backed up in my queue, that needs to be handled stat. Pretty much the only old lingering emails in my personal Gmail account are from the pre-smartphone days, when I couldn't just read and delete shit on site.  Google should do me the favor and wipe out my personal email to clear those up for me. I certainly wouldn't go crying a river to CNN about how I can't trust cloud computing.  What a load of crap.

US Citizenship Test has Wrong Answers - Duh

Science Blogs - ProPublica has a really interesting article about a Canadian woman who just received American citizenship -- but only because she gave answers she knew to be wrong on the citizenship test...Some examples:

Take Question 36. It asks applicants to name two members of the president's Cabinet. Among the correct answers is "Vice President." The vice president is a cabinet-level officer but he's not a Cabinet member. Cabinet members are unelected heads of executive departments [4], such as the Defense Department, or the State Department. 

I also wasn't asked Question 1: "What is the supreme law of the land?"
The official answer: "the Constitution." A friend and legal scholar was aghast. That answer, he said, is "no more than one-third correct." He's right.
Article VI, clause 2 in the Constitution, known as the Supremacy Clause [9], explicitly says that three things -- the Constitution, federal laws, and treaties -- together "shall be the supreme law of the land."

No shit we put the wrong answers on our citizenship test.  Our unofficial motto is fake it till you make it.  If you don't know that much you're clearly not ready to gain entry into our prestigious and exclusive club. 

We don't just accept any old scrub who's worked hard and obeyed the laws, if that's all you got then congrats, you can stay here like the rest of the illegal immigrants but you'll never be an American.  Spare me the Ellis Island bullshit about your tired, hungry, your poor.  America wasn't built on that shit.  

America is built on generations of braggarts and loud mouths, faking their ways to the top, running this country from positions we're not nearly qualified for.  You don't know jack about foreign policies? Who cares? Say you do, lean on the experience of your rich father and run the country.  Want to run the investment office for a Fortune 500 office but you're not quite sure what you're getting yourself into? Big deal, buy now, and explain later that you never fully understood the investments you got everyone into, after you've lost millions of other peoples money and ruined an entire countries economy, no biggie.

That's the way American's do it, and that's the way you'd better be ready to do it if you're sitting down to take our naturalization test. 

Lady's Purse Stolen, Then Run Over By Car, And It's all Her Fault

Why not just leave the key in the ignition while you're at it ladies?

Yea, you pretty much summed it up lady, you made a lot of bad moves.  Like for starters if you "conciously" know someone is going to steal your purse, SOMEONE IS GOING TO STEAL YOUR PURSE!  Obviously doesn't take a genius to realize that, you put it together, you were just too dumb or lazy to do something about it.

Your second horrible decision was jumping in front of the getaway car.  It's called a getaway car for a reason.  They're going to get away.  It ain't the stop-for-pedestrians-car, or the I-Didn't-Realize-This-Wasn't-My-Purse-Car.  The fuckers robbed you and now they intend on driving off.  Just cancel your credit cards and chalk up the loss of cash as a tax write off like any sane person.  

The Chrystler 300 is like the Rolls Royce of small time gangsters huh?  Screw racial profiling, cops should be pulling over anyone in a 300.  At a bare minimum you'll find some punk kid in an over sized t-shirt with a dime bag of weed.