Hallmark to Sell Happy Unemployment Cards...Pretty Much the Worst Thing I've Ever Heard.

INDIANAPOLIS (NBC) -- In the business of selling sentiments, there's a card for everything, from traditional occasions to unique needs: cards with sound, cards for holidays, cards for losing a tooth. But losing a job? Yes, now there's a card for that too. Hallmark recently rolled out a new line of layoff greeting cards. Stores have a specific section for job loss and recession humor, offering words of support and encouragement. 

Make no mistake about it, if I'm ever unemployed and receive one of these, we're no longer friends. I'll disown my family, de-friend you on facebook, and publicly slander you online. I'll get in my car, drive to wherever you live, and punch you straight in the dick. Because that's three strikes against you.

1. You supported the billion dollar card industry, you could've just sent an e-card if you wanted to be an asshole.

2. You used the post office. Anyone that knows me knows I will not be satisfied until we're rid of that top heavy, billion dollar drain on the economy and general waste of government resources.

3. You sent me a happy unemployment card. Even I'm not that much of an asshole.  Losing your job is the worst. I went 3 months without a job after college and it was the worst.  I started buying and selling baseball cards on ebay thinking I'd get rich (ok, only buying, whatever), and contemplated responding to one of those "as seen on Oprah," pyramid scheme chain letters just to see if I could make any money. I was pathetic, I certainly didn't need a card reminding me of that fact, eating cereal at 12 noon each day in my parents basement was enough of a reminder.

Prison Buys Inmates 40 New HDTV's...Oh Boy, Here Comes a Rant

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — They’re top of the line flat screen TVs and right now, inmates at the Allegheny County Jail are likely watching them. The County Jail Oversight Board recently approved the purchase of 40 Sony Bravia televisions for viewing in the jail common areas. If a judge sentenced you to the Allegheny County Jail, you’d be provided three hot meals and a bed to sleep in, but in common areas, you’d also be able to watch cable shows on 42-inch Sony flat screens. The County Jail Oversight Board recently approved the purchase of 40 sets for $16,000 or $395 a piece. “If our families in Allegheny County can’t afford 42-inch Sony Bravia TVs, the prisoners certainly shouldn’t be able to be watching them in jail,” he said. The money comes from the “Inmate Welfare Fund” – proceeds from the jail commissary used by the inmates.“The point of being in jail is not to mistreat people or make them feel worse and resentful,” Marion Damick, a committee member, said.

Seriously? "The point of being in jail is not to mistreat people or make them feel worse and resentful." The fuck it isn't buddy. I'm certainly not paying for these guys to enjoy the NFL Network in the same stunning brilliance that I do each Sunday. That shit is FUBAR.

Sorry, but when you're supposed to be removed from society, you should be removed from fucking society. That includes not knowing how your favorite football teams are doing and not being able to track your fantasy football teams.  Give these guys recycled tube TV's if you want to but lets save the Plasmas and LCD's for those of us who've chosen not rape, murder, and pillage. I don't know, just seems like a nice reward is all. And spare me the horseshit that this wasn't tax money, that's semantics. Yea the cash came from the prisoner commissary, but how about using that money to pay back the tax payers who pay to house the inmates? The prison guards, the building upkeep, the infirmary workers, the food, and those orange jumpsuits. That shit aint free. If you've got funds to buy 40 fucking HDTV's, you've got funds to pay back the tax payers that support these deadbeats asses.

 And 42 in. TV's for $395 a piece? What the fuck! If that was the price for us regular folks I'd have a tv at every turn in my apartment, on the wall in the stairs, in the bathrooms, above the kitchen sink, over the windows. The whole apartment would be TV's. I'd even have one on all three sides of the bed, that way you could roll whatever way you want and still watch, instead of having to pick one uncomfortable position and then having to stick with it until you decide to fall asleep.  I want to know who gave the inmates this break? And don't give me that shit about selling them in bulk...If you ran an add tomorrow that said "42 inch Sony's at Prisoners Prices, priced so low it's a steal at $395!", I'd legitimately buy two, and I'm quite certain you'd sell more than 40 in one day. People would line up like the day after Thanksgiving. You'd have a borderline riot on your hands.

US Post Office to Allow Living Celebrities to be on Stamps, My Thoughts

Fox News - Americans will soon have a chance stay stuck on their favorite celebrities in the form of a U.S. postage stamp. The U.S. Postal Service is reportedly changing its longstanding policy to allow images of living famous people, like popular music artists and politicians, to appear on postal stamps. USPS executive Stephen Kearney told Reuters Monday that he hopes to have at least one "living subject" to have his or her first stamp by 2012. The old policy required that a person be dead for at least five years before they could be memorialized on postage, according to the New York Post. The newspaper reported that the change is part of an effort to increase postal stamp collecting and raise revenue. The USPS is reportedly encouraging people to mail their nominations in or post them on Facebook and Twitter. The USPS is also allowing ordinary Americans to upload photos on the USPS website to create postage stamps using their own pictures.

Finally! It's about time the US Post Office came to the realization that stamps have more value as a collectors item than for actually mailing things. 

For years the post office has been going about this all wrong. Instead of catering to the 3% of people who still actively mail things and senior citizen collectors they should have been targeting the younger demographic. It just makes sense. Nobody mails stuff anymore, and if your main consumer group is 75+ years old, well you're going to run out of customers at a pretty alarming rate (due to natural attrition). 

But if you go younger? Look at Pogs. Circle pieces of cardboard with a cartoon picture on them. Kids went ape shit for those things, myself included. Hell, I still have tubes of pogs and slammers in my parents attic, just in case that fad comes back in style.  There's no reason stamps can't be the same way. You start slapping tamaguchi's and piccachu's on those things and kids will be lining up so fast to buy stamps you'll have to start opening kiosks at the mall. 

My top suggestions:

1) Snooki - If only to see my grandfathers face when he adds Snooki to his collection, right next to Dwight Eisenhower and John F. Kennedy. Part horrified and part confused as to who the oompa-loompa is and why she's famous enough to be on a stamp. It would be priceless.

2) The Biebs - Justin Bieber drives young girls crazy. Young girls drive the economy. Ergo de facto, put Justin Bieber on as many products as possible and watch this country rise out of the recession, stamps included. 

3) Lady Gaga - I just feel like the Gay and Lesbian market is probably a tough market to reach in the stamp game. These are sophisticated people, they're not mailing things. But they'll sure as hell support Gaga since she gets up on her soap box for them every chance she gets. 

4) Barrack Obama - Just kidding, post office would probably have to shutter its doors forever.

PS: You're kidding yourself if you don't think I'm uploading some kind of Alt-Tab stamp the first chance I get. I mail like 3 things a year, but that'll increase for sure.

Redneck Makes Guido Tank Top Out of Underwear

Photo From Uncoached 

Gonna be honest, I'm not completely  hating on this guy...I mean yea, the fact that it's underwear is ridiculous, but let's be serious, at least the guy picked Hanes and not Fruit of the Loom. This would be 100x worse with that fruit basket tag smack dab in the middle of his back. 

But beyond the choice of garment here, he's not all that out of style. Guido's have been wearing bra-style tank tops for a few years now. What's the difference? Their's were meant to be shirts and this guy's tank probably fondled his pork sword yesterday? Minor details in the life of a redneck, minor details.

Nice Bra Guy

Two Headed Cats Aren't Called Siamese Cats?

Two-faced cat earns Guinness world record: MyFoxBOSTON.com

WORCESTER (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A Worcester cat has two names, one body, two faces, and now a spot in the Guinness World Records. Frank and Louie was born with two faces, a condition called Janus. Cats born this way generally live a day or two, but the Worcester Telegram & Gazette says Frank and Louie are celebrating their 12th birthday. That is a world record.

Yes! Another chance to ad-lib an El Pres Post (Quotations hypothetical, of course):

GET IT OFF ME! I literally spit out my coffee and I wasn't even drinking coffee. This has to be some kinda sign of the apocalypse, or some shit. Cats born this way normally live a day or two, huh? No shit hunny. Cats with one head are enough of a terror, demon cats spawning second heads just can't be tolerated. I in no way condone violence against animals, but this thing isn't your average animal, and I'm fairly certain cat owners are off'ing two headed cats after a day of dealing with their devious ways. It's just too much cat to handle, even the crazy cat ladies from TLC couldn't put up with this shit. It's diabolical.

In all seriousness though, how is the name of the condition for a two headed cat called Janus? Not Siamese? Really guys? Am I wrong for thinking that we call Siamese twins, Siamese twins because of the cats? I'm so confused right now, like if ever there was a layup case of something being Siames-ish I thought this would be it. Now I'm going to have to go spend an hour or so on wikipedia figuring this shit out. Might as well call out of work today.

Sharing an eyeball must absolutely suck