A Good Old Fashioned Batch of Links

I'll be honest, I got a lot of shit to do at work today and just don't have time to babysit the blog, so here's a lazy batch of links:

Man Arrested for Stealing $60,000 Worth of Toilet Paper - And I feel ashamed buying the 24 pack...How do you fence that much TP? I can't imagine you just roll up back of a Target and give a shady whistle to the guys on the loading dock and ask them if they'd like to make a deal...and more importantly perhaps, what percentage of toilet paper I buy is from the black market? I want my TP pure, the last thing I need is to be thinking about the organized crime I may be funding while I'm wiping my ass.


Chicago Sausage Sellers Bicker Over Who's More Original - All do respect to Jim's Original Chicago Sausages, but your last name is Husain. Based on that alone, I'm inclined to believe that: 1) You don't have a friend named Jim, and 2) Your sausages are derivative and mediocre at best. Sorry, in general I'm not a picky food guy but I have two hard rules for myself: A) Don't buy Sausages from guys named Husain, and B) Don't buy burgers from guys named Bin Laden.

Beyonce's Baby Bigger Twitter News Than Bin Laden - Which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one who has ever clicked on a trending hash-tag on twitter...if you don't know what I mean click on any of the following trending topics for today: #whyyobaby , #schoolflow , "A Bag of Weed."

Cause: Boy Throwing Rocks At Passing Cars, Effect: Passenger Fires Cross Bow At Boy -No one has been arrested, and that's the way it should remain, Cops shouldn't even waste their time...Also, cross bows can't easily be concealed under the seat or anything, where the hell are they storing that thing?

Smarmy High School Kid Builds Tiny House in Parents Back Yard

NY Daily News - Like many other teenagers, 16-year-old Austin Hay was sick of living at home. Unlike other kids, he started building his own – from scratch. In a video posted on Faircompanies.com, the high school junior from Sonoma County, Calif., gives a tour of his progress. He's built the home on a trailer, which he bought used for $2,000, so he can take it with him when he goes to college – and beyond. Sonoma County is home to many of the pioneers of the small house movement, according to Faircompanies.com, and before he started construction, Austin attended a tiny house open house led by Jay Shafer of Tumbleweed Tiny House Company, who gave him plans to build his own tiny home. Austin has been working on the project behind his parents' much larger (1,800-square-foot) home, financing it with money from jobs at a summer camp and a snack bar. Tiny homes typically cost about $23,000 to build, but Austin thinks he will get the cost down to about $12,000 because he's been able to find materials at salvage yards plus some have been donated.

Austin, Austin, Austin. I get it, I see what you're doing.  Parents have a "no girls in  your room" policy that you're chafing under. Simple solution, build your own house in their backyard, right? Wrong. Sure it'll work in the short term, got your own Little Rascals clubhouse in the backyard, you'll probably be able to lure a couple of naive high school girls over after school, but what's best case scenario? Making out with some heavy petting? You're not hitting a home run in a glorified tree house, and while 2nd base might hold you over through high school, you're looking very shortsighted. Because soon enough you're going to be off to college. College girls hook up, you have your own room, with heat, electricity, and plumbing across the hall. But soon as the girls hear you're kind of a weirdo who camped out in a children's play house in your parents backyard for the past two years? Good luck.

Sheets Energy: Where Do You Take A Sheet

"I take a sheet on the second floor at work...for privacy" - CW

 Is it just me or did the plummer look like he had to take a "sheet" as they were filming this thing? 

Empty Nester Is Depressed About Not Having Nagging, Needy Children Anymore

Boston - I wasn’t wrong about their leaving. My husband kept telling me I was. That it wasn’t the end of the world when first one child, then another, and then the last packed their bags and left for college. But it was the end of something. “Can you pick me up, Mom?’’ “What’s for dinner?’’ “What do you think?’’ I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, nonstop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow. And then they were gone, one after the other. “They’ll be back,’’ my husband said. And he was right. They came back. But he was wrong, too, because they came back for intervals, not for always, not planets anymore, making their predictable orbits, but unpredictable, like shooting stars. Always is what you miss. Always knowing where they are. At school. At play practice. At a ballgame. At a friend’s. Always looking at the clock midday and anticipating the door opening, the sigh, the smile, the laugh, the shrug. “How was school?’’ answered for years in too much detail. “And then he said … and then I said to him… .’’ Then hardly answered at all... “I don’t know what I’m going to do without them,’’ she has said every day for months. And I have said nothing, because, really, what is there to say?

Hey Lady- Take a vacation or something. Sleep in instead of getting up to pack brown bag lunches, make selfish plans for just you and your husband, but for the love of god stop complaining.  "Oh poor me, I've got so much free time as a stay at home mom with no kids left living at home." Come on lady, that's the dream.  I spent an hour and a half Sunday night trying to think of ways I could make a living doing just that, just sitting around the house, eating leftover pizza and calzones, watching tv, surfing the net, prepare the occasional dinner and clean up once a week or so. I'd be content as a pig in shit. You know the first thing I would do? Buy two cast iron bathtubs and slap them down in the backyard Cialis style.

Now granted I'm not a parent, but even I know the goal from the minute child number one is brought home and messes up his parent's sleeping schedule, is to get that kid to a point where he can live outside of the house. I mean that's it. All that nostalgia after the fact that they're gone is just that, nostalgia. Sure you'll miss them, they're your kid. But think of the diapers, the sleepless nights, the calls from school, the yelling between siblings, having to cook every day, all the laundry, rides to school, rides to sports, rides to friends...it's like bringing up an complete invalid for the first 15-16 years. Why wouldn't you want that out of your house? I'd throw myself a "My Kids Are All Out of the House Party!" The second they backed out of the driveway. Other empty-nesters only.  Get back to being yourselves, laugh at the same jokes you used to without saying things like earmuffs, have a couple of more drinks than you'd usually allow, less you wake up with a terrific hangover and a kid that can't figure out how to make a bowl of cereal for himself, and watch the R-rated moves that you missed out on for the last 20 years.

Anything but complain about your new-found freedom...that's just annoying.

CNN Reports On: Genetically Modified-Bullet Proof Spider Goats...The End of Man

What the fuck were these guys thinking, this is going to get us all killed. I mean the first thing this guy says about spiders is that they’re a problem because they’re canabilistic. And that’s when they’re just tiny spiders. Why the hell would you infuse cannibalistic devil genes from spiders into bullet proof goats. 

What’s the end game here ? You know they’re going to turn on you at some point. Like sure this army of goat commando’s sounds great, should wrap up the war in Afghanistan in a matter of weeks, but what happens then? You think Rambo goats are just going to sit around and graze in the fucking field all day? For sure not, they’re going to be looking for the next land to conquer, and then the next, and then the next. Until there’s no where else to turn but home...Screw worrying about artificial intelligence rising up against us, this is the real threat.