Incoherent British Anger at Anti-Muslim Protest

Frigen reporter, weren't you paying attention? What do you mean what Iraqi law?  The god damned Muslim law, they've got their law and obviously it's their law. I thought my man here was pretty clear.

He's just trying to stop Islamic Ray-Guns and 15 year olds being raped. Are you pro ray-guns and child rape? Didn't think so. At it's core this is really about London being British.

George Lopez Points Out That Kirstie Alley Looks Like a Dancing Pig, Everyone Flips Out

Fox News - TBS host George Lopez compared “Dancing With the Stars” contestant Kirstie Alley, praised for her cha cha cha on the show's premiere, to a pig on his TBS talk show Wednesday night. Lopez was belittling Alley's dancing on "Dancing With the Stars" on his show, "Lopez Tongiht." "She did a nice job, her little hooves tapping away. Before the show, she went to the market, and then she had roast beef and this is her going all the way home!" he said, before cutting to a squealing pig from a GEICO commercial...."Lopez's comments were not only demeaning to Alley, who has been incredibly brave and open with her journey toward health, but they were very detrimental to women and girls everywhere," said Yana Walton, Vice President of Communications for watchdog group the Women’s Media Center. "In a country where eating disorders are an epidemic, where advertising continually implies women are deeply deficient, where media places the majority of women's worth on their appearances, this is unacceptable."

Far be it for me to defend George Lopez, I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about him. He's plain old not funny, Mexicanity aside and everything.  But like I always say, when you're right, you're right.  Sure the joke itself wasn't funny, but it doesn't mean it wasn't on point.  

Kirstie Alley really does look like a dancing pig, not just talking about weight here, her face has a very swine-ish likeness.  It wasn't so much a joke as it was an observation.

Like if Dancing With The Stars was shot in grainy footage with some 1988 VHS video camera you could easily present an argument that Kirstie is the product of the first successful human-swine breading program.

So hate him because his jokes suck, hate him because he's loud and obnoxious, and insists upon himself. But don't hate him for pointing out the obvious.

PS: How much does that dancing dude hate his life? Went from Erin Andrews one season to Ms. Piggie the next, that sucks bro.

Kayaker Encounters Enormous Rare Shark

Spare me the bullshit about this shark normally not being threatening to humans.  Terms like "normally" aren't going to bring me comfort when this this Moby-Dick sized shark is just stalking me starboard side of my plastic Kayak I just picked up at Target. 

I've never once feared the ocean but this video gave me second thoughts.  Like I was pretty sure shark attacks and other oddities only came to surfers and people that had it coming, you know the ones, "hey you know what would be a blast, open water swimming with a hoard of sharks." You deserve it at this point.  But this dude is just minding his own business out for a leisurely kayak trip, maybe 15 feet from the dock and this shark decides he's going to come over and fuck this guys love of the ocean over for life. 

I have no idea what I'd do in that situation, but I can tell you for damn sure I'd be praying for my life that sharks aren't attracted to urine like they are blood. Because I'd be emptying my blatter down the side of my leg if I ever encountered a shark the size of a Ford pickup.  That thing could accidentally eat me whole like it was yawning or taking a drink of water from the ocean, and oops I just swallowed CW and his entire kayak by accident, my bad.  My bad? My bad isn't going to help me while I'm swimming around in a shark stomach with krill and chum.

Safe to say I'm going to be a bit nervous the next time I step foot in tropical waters, and I now have a keener understanding of black people's fear of the ocean.  There's just some things you don't want to mess around with.

We Can All Take A Deep Breath, Canadian Border Now More Secure Than Ever

Don't worry about Mexico, we'll just throw up a few more Hispanic Signs

SELFRIDGE AIR NATIONAL GUARD BASE – The U.S .Department of Homeland Security unveiled its newest high-tech tool today to fight terrorism and secure America’s northern border. The Operational Integration Center, referred to as OIC, allows security analysts to monitor a critical part of the Northern border 24/7 relying on cameras and radars along the St. Clair River separating Michigan from Canada. The $12 million OIC facility features a 30 foot video panel to watch various sections of the Northern border. Real time video feeds into the OIC’s situational awareness room from 11 towers equipped with high-tech cameras and radars built along 35 miles of the St. Clair River. The towers are the result of a $20 million investment in technology as part of the Department of Homeland Security’s Secure Border Initiative. U.S. Border Patrol’s Special Operations Supervisor, Gregory Lambert managed the 13-month surveillance tower project. He says the technology is already paying off. “Instead of having a camera and operator looking at a screen all day for eight hours, now we have a radar working with the cameras to tell that operator, ‘Hey. There’s something going on over here,” he says.

Well, thank God they shored that whole issue up. I was getting worried about all them Canadians running down here in the event of any maple syrup shortages. What a fricken relief.

Seriously, I'm just glad Homeland Security found a reasonable way to use their budget to shore up our borders.  Yea, our much smaller, much more dangerous border is like a screen door flapping in the wind right now, drug smugglers, murderers, Tijuana Donkey shows, and Hotel cleaning ladies just hopping the fence hourly.  But to focus on that would be to miss the main point here.  With the Canadian border secure Homeland can now get down to the important business without constantly worrying about those pesky Cannucks in the back of their minds....oh, what's that? They blew the remaining budget on this $12 million security camera system? Oh, well ok.  Guess we'll just tell the residents of Phoenix and other border towns to make sure they lock their doors at night and stay safe until next year.  They'll get to you guys eventually, don't worry.

Woman Bites Co-Workers Finger Off During Argument After Work...You'll Never Guess Where They Work

Sick Prison Tat Essey

NAPLES, Fla.-- An East Naples woman bit off the tip of another woman's ring finger during a fight over an alleged affair. Collier County Sheriff's deputies say 43-year-old Clodia Coicour was charged with aggravated battery after the Monday night incident outside the Walmart where both women work. The victim told deputies she was walking to her car after her shift ended when Coicour doused her with pepper spray. That's when the two women started fighting. Coicour told deputies she heard a rumor that the other woman was having an affair with her husband, who also works at Walmart. No phone number was listed for Coicour. The names of her husband and the victim were not released.

To me, the victim has no case at all here.  And it's not because I'm siding with the married woman who's man was getting a little on the side from his wife's slutty co-worker. No, it's because the minute you sign an employment contract with Walmart you're basically signing a sheet of paper acknowledging the fact that you're going to be working 8 hour shifts surrounded by deranged trailer trash.  Whether they're customers or co-workers, at any given moment some woman can attack you like a wild banshee, wielding pepper spray and razor sharp teeth for any perceived slight.

Doesn't matter that no one has confirmed the rumor that you've been skanking it up with Billy-Bob.  It may be patently false, that's not the issue here. Rabid attacks come with the territory and you knew that the moment you started working there. It's all in the paper work I'm sure.

Beer Bandit At it Again

Weird News - A man who spent 16 years in jail for robbing an Opelika convenience store at knifepoint is now charged with a similar crime in Foley.   Cops arrested 40-year-old Lebain Preston for allegedly stealing a 12-pack of beer and about $40 from a gas station.  His weapon of choice: a box cutter.   He did make it away with more than he did in 1992, when he stole only a 6-pack and about $30. 

Gotta give some level of credit to Lebain, he obviously learned some lesson from his time in the pen.  It might not quite be the lesson the correctional department was going for, but the point is he learned.   

If you're going to go through all the trouble of robbing a store at knife point, at least grab the pack of beer that can last you through the night.  Because I don't know how he got caught this time, but I can gaurantee he got caught last time when we went back to the store an hour and a half later to spend that $30 bucks of his on more beer because he ran out too early in the night. 

He didn't make that same mistake this time, plus he made out with an extra $10, pure profit. And to that, I tip my cap.

Stuttering Stanley The News Anchor Has Fit on Live Television.

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T-T-T-T-Today Junior!

Seriously guy, what the hell, give them the cut sign or something. Compose yourself.  I haven't seen a case of stuttering that bad since back in middle school when I used to look in on the "special" classes for a quick self esteem boost.

And huge frigen thanks to the camera man and producer here, huh?  Guy is going full retard on us on live television and his producer doesn't order them to cut away to a commercial or another segment? Just leaving the guy out there taking grenades. Some team they got up there in Canada.