Chelsea, MA Planning to Kick out Arrested Illegal Immigrants, Good News for Market Basket Shoppers

CHELSEA, Mass.—State officials are holding a Boston-area meeting with immigrant advocates to discuss a federal program that checks the immigration status of people who are arrested.The meeting on the "Secure Communities" program is planned Thursday night in Chelsea. Gov. Deval Patrick asked state officials to hold meetings on the program after facing criticism from the advocates over his plans to join the federal program. The Immigration and Customs Enforcement program allows fingerprints of those arrested to be checked against FBI criminal history records and biometrics-based immigration records kept by the Department of Homeland Security. Tea party members who support the federal program have said they'd also attend the Chelsea meeting.

Great news for those of you who love shopping at the Chelsea Market Basket for their low prices but hate feeling like you've walked into the Guatemalan Consulate.  The aisles should soon be emptier and more civilized once this program gets under way. 

Me and the GF head over there every now and then when we don't feel like paying Stop & Shop's price gouging fees, but we avoid it as much as possible.  It's like a gigantic bodega on the weekend.  Just entire extended families out for a fun day at the supermarket.  No rules, people just running mad, cutting eachother off and yelling in tongues.  Children playing in the aisles like they're playing stickball back in the alleys of their native countries.  It's amazing I've made it out of there without an assault charge on my record at this point.

So count this as probably the one time I'll ever be on the Tea Party's side.  If they can clean up Market Basket and make it a more pleasant place to shop, they'll have my support.

Daughter and Niece Of Canadian Politicians Trying out for Lingerie Football League

TORONTO - Krista Ford — the athletic, football-loving daughter of city councillor Doug Ford, and niece of mayor Rob — is trying out for Toronto’s new lingerie football team.  Krista, 20, posted on her Twitter page on Monday that there were only “6 days ‘till (Lingerie Football League) tryouts. Training hard!” The LFL, which brands itself as “true fantasy football,” currently has 10 U.S. teams with names such as the Philadelphia Passion and the Orlando Fantasy. It’s game is based on attractive, athletic women playing full-contact football while scantily dressed in bras and panties.  When asked if he was uncomfortable with his daughter running around a sports field with next to nothing on, Councillor Doug Ford said he wanted to be a supportive father.And besides, he said, women can be seen playing sports while in bikinis on Toronto beaches all through the summer.“She’s a football fanatic. She said, ‘dad, I want to play,’ and the natural instinct for a dad is ‘You’re not going to be running around in lingerie’ ... but then I thought what the heck.” Mayor Rob Ford, who longs to bring an NFL team to the city, has thrown his support behind Krista. “The mayor certainly supports his niece in any endeavour,” said Ford spokesman Adrienne Batra. “She’s very athletic ... and this is something that interests her, so he wishes her the best.”

Of course they support her, just in time for election season, right guys? What better way to capture the average males attention than by proliferating some sweet lingerie football shots of your young vixen of a daughter/niece.

The father is playing this situation like a fiddle.  that line about "woman can be seen playing sports while in bikinis on Toronto beaches all through the summer" just about wrapped up the male vote (and the hot girls that vote, but there's not enough of them to be significant).   Mark my words this guy will be the future Canadian president or prime minister, whatever they do up there.  You can dump garbage in my country any day if these are the kind of policy goals you plan on pursuing.  Bikini's, football, lingerie and beaches.  Canada just revolutionized the politics game.

Great News: Walmart is Bringing Back Guns! (End Sarcasm)

Definitely owns a Walmart Rewards Card

(NewsCore) - Walmart is bringing back rifles and shotguns to about 500 US stores, mostly in rural areas, to broaden product assortment as part of an attempt to make its outlets one-stop shopping destinations, MarketWatch reported Thursday.

I guess because there aren't enough uneducated people armed with guns in America? That's the though process here? Or because the poor people who shop at Walmart don't have better things to spend their money on like clothes and food, or maybe a book to snap their family cycle of redneckedness?

Walmart should just change their slogan at this point from "Everyday Low Prices" to "Arming America's Backwoods Revolution, One Redneck at a Time." 

Seriously, I was mildly afraid to go to Walmart before, but ultimately didn't mind for the people watching, no chance in hell I go there now.  Not knowing a bunch of middle school drop outs and illegal immigrants can just go pick up their riflery and hand gun needs while purchasing tooth paste and children's clothing.  Recipe for disaster.

Flower Girl is Not Happy at the Royal Wedding

Always a Bridesmaid, Never the Bride, am I right?

Hire a Personal Ninja for Just $5

Kens5 - "Now I am here to sell you this gig where I will put together a cool, awesome ninja video just for you!" claims the out-of-work ninja named Ryou Sigara. He's also known as username NitroHotFire and is really just trying to earn a buck -- or five -- with his fancy sword and bow work. He's just one of thousands of fiverr.com users who are marketing their skills for the bargain price of five dollars. "Yeah, actually, I've been unemployed for a while now," claims Sigara. "And I thought about going into retirement but I think its about time for me to get back out there. So I thought fiverr would be a good place to start."

"Girls only want guys who have skills. Computer hacking skills, numchuck skills, bow staff skills." - Napoleon Dynamite.

Hard to believe this guy is unemployed with expert level technique like that, just seems like there'd be a bigger market for ninja related tasks these days.  I can think of at least a handful of times a day that my life would be easier if I could afford to higher a personal ninja to just take care of shit for me.  Sadly, bow staff skills don't come cheap and you guys don't support my advertisers nearly enough (or buy over priced t-shirts, but that's another story).  

Stay strong warrior brother, your day will come...and if you're reading this I'll pay you $2 per exclusive video, bow staff only though.  Swords are way too mainstream these days.

Man Absolutely Dominates Pussy Moose

Manliest man alive. Plain and simple.  I'd probably do him, or at least give him a tug, not ashamed in the least of saying that.  This girl probably jumped him soon as they hopped in their pickup truck, couldn't even contain herself.

That was easily the biggest show of bravery in like 600 years, or since whenever we stopped going to war with swords and shields and shit like a bunch of savages.  People realize that's a twig he's holding right? Not some shotgun or metal pole.  That's a 1 ton moose charging straight at him looking to stomp his lights out, Thor the moose tamer didn't even flinch.  CW flinches when he sees a stray cat look his direction. Mangy pests.

Canada Using America As Their Own Personal Trash Can

Empty Maple Syrup Bottles As Far as the Eye Can See

Fox News - Lady Liberty welcomes your tired, poor and huddled masses. She says nothing of soiled diapers, pizza boxes and Labatt Blue bottles. Yet Michigan lawmakers are concerned Canada is treating their state as its personal waste heap, with dump trucks crossing the border from Ontario to take advantage of Michigan's bargain-rate landfills. In hopes of discouraging the trek, they're introducing legislation in Congress that would charge the Canadians exorbitant fees for bringing their garbage stateside. Canadian truck drivers currently pay just $5 at the border to bring their trash to Michigan, and most of them are not screened, according to Stabenow's office. The proposed law would raise that border fee to $500. The money would go toward inspections by U.S. Border Patrol. Drivers would have to provide U.S. customs officials with the details of their shipments or face a $10,000 fine. Part of the concern is security. A 2006 report from the Department of Homeland Security inspector general showed Canadian trash trucks were found to be carrying in "medical waste, illegal drugs and illegal currency."

Frigen Canada, pretending to be a green, nature loving country for years and years before it became the hipster thing to be.  Living off their high falluting reputation as a conscientious country, that is soooo Canada.  All bullshit.  

Well no more.  We will not allow you to sneak all your shit and garbage over our borders and into our pristine dumps any longer. Take one last look at your precious great white north wilderness, and tell your natives to get ready to shed a tear. You want a war of garbage you got it.  We're the most wasteful people on earth, this is one arena you did not want to mess with us on.  

By the way, this whole mess can be avoided if you agree to just take Michigan from us.  Spare us that disaster of an economy and you can dump there all you want.