There Are People Who Maintain Clean Email Inboxes, And There Are those Who Don't

And I straight up don't get those people who don't. Just 1,000 things floating around in their work inbox, no sub folders, no email rules, just the wild wild west in your inbox. You have to be a damn psychotic to be able to put up with that mess. There should be studies and TLC reality shows about these nutso's.

Me? I much prefer tumbleweeds blowing in my inbox. I'd say my average day I spend about 40% of the time doing real, actual work, 30% of the time searching for and consuming interesting articles, and the other 30% of the time purging my inbox of anything and everything.

Work related that could mean research before answering? File it, out of sight, out of mind. If it's one of 20 or so corporate wide emails I'll get that day that in all likelihood I'll never need to read? In the trash. An email from my friends about the weekend or fantasy sports? Respond right away and then delete the old message.

I don't know how anyone does it any other way. I need a pack of Tums just to open my inbox Monday morning after a weekend of not checking in. I can't imagine coming in to that mess every single day. It's unfathomable how people function in that manner.

The number one excuse these inbox hoarders give: "well when someone asks for something I don't have to search all over the place, its just in the inbox somewhere." Yea ok pal, you go ahead and search for that needle in the haystack. I'll be the guy just checking through a few appropriately titled sub folders...And yes every once in a while I do run into a situation where I've got someone standing over my shoulder asking if I got their email (HATE this), only to have to sheepishly retrieve their message from my deleted folder ("How'd that get there?"), but I'll take that awkward situation 100 times out of 100 over having a myocardial infarction every time I need to look back for an old email.

The Blog has Been Out Sick This Week

And by that I mean a mere days after ridiculous all animal based flu's, swine, bird, equine, and gingivitis, I myself came down with the flu...in the middle of June. And I'm supposed to believe that's not a conspiracy? Please.

Anyway, the blog has badly suffered as a result. My night time ritual of drowning myself in nasal spray and NyQuil has rendered my morning blogging skills non-existent...its all I can do at this point to walk a straight line to the shower, never mind typing out coherent paragraphs. My usual MO when sick is to call out of work at the first sign of a sore throat to spend the day blogging and plowing through Zicam. I decided to suck it up this week and go to my real job that pays me real money, and let my fake job that pays me no money suffer instead. I was kinda getting a reputation for being soft and not working through common colds...a reputation I don't understand at all. How is it better to come in and sneeze, sniffle, and cough all over your co-workers again?

Anyway, I'm going to try and get shit back on track starting tomorrow morning, and maybe a blog or two after this while I'm on my lunch break. See ya'll then.

PS: Going forward I'll be the white guy on the subway with the dentists mask on...maybe the crazy asians are on to something.

Young New Hires at the Office Are So Damn Annoying

How I Look At Work After A Couple of Glasses of Wine At Dinner

So I was walking out of the office last night behind a couple of new hires, they were swapping stories about what they did the previous night, who they were out with, how much they drank, where they woke up, yada, yada, yada, and I couldn't help but feel an irrational tinge of disgust for the two kids...and it's not something new, its something that's been growing within me for a while now. I'm becoming less and less tolerant of new hires at our office and more and more resentful of their youth...and I'm only 27. 

Now, I work at a huge company, entry level really is entry level, these are kids fresh out of college, so we generate a lot of turnover and there are a lot of new faces all the time. I was one of those new faces once. I was one of the kids swapping tales about going out the night before, waking up hungover and still plowing through the work day and then going out to do it again the next night. That was me. And now, I Hate those kids. 

Now if I have three beers while watching a sox game during the week I have to make damn sure I hydrate with like, a half gallon of water before bed, otherwise I'm useless the next morning. Back then? I specifically remember one Tuesday morning (that's right Tuesday) where I woke up puking my brains out. I was still living at home at the time and I specifically remembered my dad walking by and shaking his head, asked if I was going to make it in to work, I said yes, and that was that. I wasn't sure if he was bewildered as to how I was actually managing to go in, or disgusted that his oldest son was singing to the toilet on a Tuesday morning...I always assumed it was disgusted, but now I think that was wrong. I look back now with bewilderment as to how my friends and I did it, just a few short years ago and wonder what happened.

It's not that I'm particularly proud of my exploits during that time, it's just more of a bizarre fond memory that I now resent seeing play out in the lives of younger people in the office. I do laugh though, knowing that a few years will go by lightning fast on these kids and then they'll be the ones in my chair making the depressed realization that they are just not that young anymore...of course by then I'll be 30, and fuck, then I'll really hate those kids.  You really just can't win when it comes to aging, can you?

Mark Zukerberg's 6 Secrets for Success

Daily Finanace - David Kirkpatrick, author of The Facebook Effect: The Inside Story of the Company That is Connecting the World -- the only book about the site written with Zuckerberg's full cooperation -- offers an insider's view of what we can learn from the 27-year-old billionaire, while challenging some of the conventional wisdom on the inscrutable entrepreneur. Here, according to Kirkpatrick, are the key ingredients in Zuckerberg's recipe for success.

1. Believe in Yourself

2. Just Get It Done

3. Stick to Your Vision and Tune Out the Naysayers

4. Loyalty Breeds Success

5. Live Below Your Means

6. Follow Your Passion -- Not the Money

All due respect to Mark, I think he forgot one, "Invent the most addictive and popular website in the history of the internet."  Not to be too cynical here, but I just can't stand whenever some uber-rich guy comes out with lists like this, it's bullshit. It's common sense, and it has nothing to do with your company's success or your riches that followed. 

You're rich and successful for two reasons, you thought of/and/or possibly borrowed a brilliant idea, and you executed it brilliantly. That's it folks, it's that simple. All that other stuff, that corporate fluff (to be fair my company has never said "get it done," so maybe Mark hasn't gone totally corporate, but we do say things like "commitment to operational excellence," which is the same thing), it's common sense and propaganda for the employees.

Take myself for instance:

1. Believe in Yourself - I consistently believe that, when I put the effort in, I'm geniunely funny and pointed. Problem is, the results don't always support my theory. I think I happen to have a very narrow sense of humor and interest that is not necessarily palatable to a broad audience...I know this because we're not exactly rolling in advertising dollars or writing deals over here...probably because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

2. Just Get it Done - After working my day job I come home and research blog topics, I then rise an hour and half earlier than necessary each morning to type out this drivel...I'm getting it done, it's just not accomplishing anything...again, because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

3. Stick to your Vision and Tune out the Naysayers - Believe me, I do this. I get some pointed criticism daily from reader e-mails and comments, and I'd be more offended, it's just that for some reason, people wait several months before commenting on the blog...take this blog for example, wrote it in December, took this Jake P character two months to comment, at that point I just don't give a shit. Also, I consistently get e-mails from some guy in Africa with some pretty interesting business proposals for the site, but I always turn them down, I don't want to sell out just yet.

4. Loyalty Breeds Success - Well that's just a flat out lie...We've had a revolving door of bloggers over here, with Dr. Jack and Seany Mo being the only two that have somewhat stuck.

5. Live Below Your Means - Frankly, that's not even possible. Living below my means based on blog income would make me the equivalent of a homeless toddler, luckily I have a real job.

6. Follow Your Passion, Not the Money - If you haven't been getting the general gist of things here, I'm not exactly rising early each morning because of the promise of riches. I'd like the riches, it would be nice, I certainly wouldn't turn them down, but at this point if that was my driving force I'd be a fucking idiot because that's one dream that's surely not coming true...Probably because I don't have a brilliant and original idea.

In sum, I'd much rather listen to the business tips of every-man type business people, ones that haven't necessarily struck it rich but are still getting by, guys like: Michael Scott:

A Brief Casual Friday Afternoon Email Exchange

Casual Friday

 From: Let's Call him Borat
To: CW
Date: 01/20/2012 04:09 PM
Subject: Re: Friday

---

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for
the rest of the day.


longest I've made it into a Friday in a while... I once sent that at 830

____________________________________________________
 

From:       CW To:        Borat Date:        01/20/2012 04:11 PM Subject:        Re: Friday

HA, it's so true...usually happens for me right around the time when the hardcore caffeine buzz starts to fade. They let us wear Pats gear again today so this whole day was a struggle.

 ____________________________________________________

 From:      Borat

To:       CW

Date:        01/20/2012 04:18 PM

Subject:        Re:  [I]

---

Same here.. and I forgot haha, I was so hungover this morning I was lucky I could dress myself.. If I get "What, no pats gear?" one more time today I will snap


____________________________________________________

From:        CW

To:        Borat

Date:        01/20/2012 04:22 PM

Subject:        Re:  Friday

---

Forgetting about casual day is the absolute worst...you always look like the one guy who thinks he's better than everyone else.  People are definitely giving you the "what a dick" look behind your back today.

____________________________________________________

Yep...This is my work life

The Alt-Tab's Annual Holiday Party Advice Blog

So yea...taking the day off, back in full force Monday, but here's a timely CW classic for you all to enjoy as we are in the thick of Holiday Work Party Season.

 CW's annual office Christmas Party Holiday Party (sorry have to keep it corporate...shit is "Holiday" allowed? Will that offend Jehovahs that don't celebrate anything?  Lets just replace Holiday with "Winter" and Party with "Event", that should cover it) Winter Event!   

Basically the only positive to working in a gigantic corporate office is that events like this have to be held at big restaurants or hotels in order to accomodate everyone, rather than the standard decorate the office and mingle party.  I look forward to it every year, and despite the fun and seemingly care free atmosphere there are some traps you need to avoid to survive the Holiday Party.

1.  Don't be the guy above.  Every year I see some rookie make the same mistake as he presumably did. "Oh there's free drink tickets until 10 pm? Double Fisting Time!" No dude, this isn't college and we're not at your Frats Christmas themed party.  I like the sauce as much as the next guy but getting as much liquor as you can into your system during the open bar period is a horrible rookie mistake.  We literally have one manager who just walks around during the night looking for jackasses that have had too much.  No one is really sure what happens to the few unlucky souls he finds each year, but they're never seen again and their cubes are always packed up and emptied before we get to work the next day.  Don't be that guy. Have a couple, and save the partying for the after party down the road.

2.  There's liquor, music, members of the opposite sex, and usually some dancing.  You will be lulled into thinking this is your regular Friday or Saturday night pick up seen.  This is a mistake.  Though your dance partner may have been throwing you all the signs you usually look for, you must resist.  First off, everyone else is watching and judging.  The older folks will be jealous of your youthful flirting and that jealousy will affect you in the office.  Secondly, God forbid you hit on the wrong person that some middle aged-middle manager who still lives with his mother has had a crush on but is too much of panzy to do anything about it.  You might as well kiss any chance for promotion goodbye. And finally, mainly for the guys, watch out for the sexual harassment claim.  This is still a work event, work rules apply.  Doesn't matter if the liquor has her loosened up, you don't want to come into work tomorrow at 9 AM with a message from HR asking to see you.

3. If you're feeling the affects of that third Long Island Iced Tea, stay away from the big wigs.  You'll be tempted to schmooze and rub elbows with the higher-ups, its one of the few chances a year you have to mingle with the decision makers.  Do you really want their lasting memory of you to be the guy who rambled on in slurring tones about your great ideas to improve the company (most of which probably involve ideas that will allow you to be lazier)?

4. Less of a rule, more of a guideline, try not to show up obviously hungover the next morning.  Everyone's going to be a bit slower moving the next day, its a given, but you don't want to be the guy/gal just sitting at their desk, head propped up by their arm just staring blankly ahead because motion makes you feel sick (yes I'm speaking from personal experience).  It makes you look irresponsible, and even worse it makes you look like a light-weight.  You cannot be labeled a light weight and expect to go on client trips.  75% of a client trip is dining and drinking (20% ass kissing and 5% actual work meetings in case you were wondering).  If management knows that you look like a homeless vagabond the morning after they're never going to send you anywhere.  That said:

5. DO NOT CALL OUT SICK.  I can't stress that enough. Like I said #4 is more of a guideline, not a hard fast rule.  This is the golden rule.  You call out sick you might as well start sending out resumes, because if you're not let go then you at the very least guarantee that you're not looking at a raise or promotion for the next 5 years. 

By the way, don't be shocked if tomorrow is a light day here at the Tabs.  Rule number 4 is a bitch to follow.

The 7 Levels of Office Misery...How Bad Was Your Day at the Office?

Ever had a terrible day at the office? Of course you have. Ever had annoying discussions with your friends, trying to one up each other over who had the worse day at their soul sucking job, only never had a scale or measure to help you scientifically plot just how miserable your life was for the last 8-12 hours? 

Well problem solved! Introducing, for the first time ever, The Alt-Tab's 7 Levels of Office Misery, a completely accurate arbitrary way to chart just how bad your day's going.  Enjoy (Read the rest of the guidelines and blog after the picture, I promise it'll be worth it).

There's really only one rule to follow when applying the 7 Levels of Misery to your work day: You do not qualify if your misery is of your own doing.  If you fucked up a V-Lookup while analyzing stocks in Excel and caused a regime overthrow in a bloody coup in the third world country you were investing in, that's your own problem. If you arrived at work so hungover that you're seeking out the isolated bathroom on the abandoned floor to puke your brains out in privacy, you don't count. If you're a hooker and you just got the results of your pap-smear back, you do not count. The misery of your day has to be completely out of your hands, it's the only rule.

Level 1 - You Were Called into Work Early - Just throws your whole day off. Your sleep schedule? Ruined. Eating Schedule? Shot. Getting weird cravings for after lunch snacks at 10 AM because you've been up since 5 is just a weird place to be. And forget about your bowel movements. My private, 8:00 AM shit at home just became a public 10:30 shit in the middle stall with two co-workers playing Battleshits to my left and right.

Level 2 - Skipping Lunch to Eat at Your Desk - The one civil liberty held over from the days of Elementary school right up through College, The Lunch Break, gone. Even prisons have lunch breaks, think about that. Working your way through lunch is the surest sign that your day, only 3-4 hours old, is not going well, and is an ominous sign of things to come.

Level 3 - Badgered to the Point of Actively Scouring Monster.com in Your Cube - Everyone hits this once in a while, your boss has been riding you, your clients have been calling you with questions on everything from the meaning of life to the most efficient way to use a 3 hole puncher, and you just give up. You day dream for a couple hours of hire salary and a bigger cube on Monster (I was going to say The Ladders, but lets be realistic, no one reading this blog is a Ladders quality employee).

Level 4 - Taking Relaxation Tips from Will Smith - Watch out, shit's starting to get weird. You've hit that point where you just do not give a damn about those around you. Sure maybe the first time you let out a "WOOOOSSSAAAA," but maybe the next time you just let out a "What the Fuck," and the next thing you know you're muttering under the breath when your phone rings for the 20th time in the last 3 hours, and then who knows, maybe you attempt to put the phone on mute so you can swear up and down that the person on the other end is the dumbest fuck alive, only to realize you didn't quite hit the mute button hard enough...This is the stage where your fellow cube workers pop over to say things like "Rough day huh," and "been there," or my least favorite of all time, "could be worse." Just  know that at that precise moment, I hate you. We may be friends, but I don't need your words of encouragement at this point in time, what I need is for you to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!

Level 5 - Piss Nirvana- It's that moment when you realize you've been holding it since 10:30 AM, it's now 5:00 PM and for the first time today you're not pouring over a spreadsheet or on some pointless conference call. You're finally free. You hit that bathroom and you'd swear up and down to anyone that there was a faint, halo like glow around that urinal. It feels good...actually it feels great. Of course a standard piss is like 45 seconds at most. You'll be back to work in no time, and this holy, out of body piss break that you're taking? Well you're really just spilling urine into a porcelain receptacle and standing in other people's pee splatter. It's sad, the things you find yourself grateful for when your will to live has been broken.

Level 6 - Playing the Lottery as Your Last Hope - You've moved right on past looking for new jobs and are just grasping at straws. Your day was so bad that you've come to the conclusion that no job, no matter what the pay, no matter what the perks, is worth having. You're playing birthdays, childhood addresses, and Tim Tebow's passing stats from last Sunday. Just throwing up hallelujahs...Side note, this can't be a "hey just throw in a quick pick" while you're already at the store, type thing. This has to be a, screw it, I'm going to White Hen specifically for a quick pick for tonight's Powerball Drawing (I did this tonight). Only free, no strings attached money is saving you now. 

Level 7 - The Breaking Point - This is it, you're putting yourself out to pasture. You don't have a job lined up, and no prospects on the horizon, but you've decided living in a tent like one of those #occupy vagabonds is a better life than drawing a bi-weekly paycheck at the expense of your sanity, your soul, and your liver (due to the undeniable drinking problem you've acquired along the way). Homelessness is now a more attractive option to you than fluorescent lights and the same stories you've heard from your co-workers for years on end. Congrats cruel world, you've won.

Blogging from Home Last Week was Like a Dream Come True

Ahhhh, the home office, such a sweet, sweet memory.  Right now Instead of lounging between my bed or my unnecessarily comfy office chair, I'm baking under fluorescent lights, with nagging co-workers, and a chair from 1998. 

I took two days off last week with no real plans whatsoever (we can't rollover days, and I get so many that I literally can't figure out what to do with them), so I took the opportunity to live out a sort of fantasy camp for myself, the home blogger...And it lived up to my wildest dreams.

 Just so you can get a mental image of what was going down, I pretty much stayed in bed all day, didn't get dressed, just put on sweats and a robe, didn't leave the house, ordered Chinese for lunch (the walk from my room to the door to get the food was the furthest I journeyed from my little lair), I was set up with my wireless keyboard and mouse, hanging on my bed, blogging and monitoring twitter and my e-mail chains on my ginormous 23 inch monitor, and watching the hilarity and hijinks of Michael Scott and the gang on demand, pretty much for two days straight. That's it, that's all I did. I browsed the internet, made some jokes over e-mail, posted a ton of blogs, and watched tv all day. It was everything I've ever wanted. 

Like look at that setup I've got going...anyone that ever tells you that blogging from home is still work is just straight up lying to you. 100%, they're just being a dick. I took a nap with my mouse in one hand and my remote in the other at one point.

When's the last time you did that at work? Never. Exactly. I loved the whole experience so much that I've been racking my brain all weekend to try and figure out how people make real money doing this, like what do I have to do? Do I have to start pimping lorna-doones and snuggies for your feet? Will that work? Is that the key to blogging from home successfully? Taking a break from snarky commentary and fairly obvious observations once in a while to pimp cookies and stuff that you can buy and Bed Bath and Beyond? Because I'll sell my soul for a chance to do this full time at home, I have no problem with it. Seriously, someone help me out here, I need this. I'm not cut out for the real world, I don't like bosses, fluorescent lights, words like "right sizing" and "foster" , and corporate wide e-mails announcing the promotions and title changes for a bunch of secret handshake executives. I do like robes, beds, random internet videos, writing, and advertising money.  Someone help me make this work. Please. 

Sincerely, 

Sobbing gently in my cube today.

15 Weirdest Excuse for Calling Out Sick, Decoded by CW

This is the exact method I use when calling out "sick." I get in the mental state of being sick, and call in and say I'm sick. Nothing over the top, just a simple, Oscar worthy, performance.

The Work Buzz - In our annual survey, one-third of employers reported that workers call in sick more often during the winter holidays than any other time of the year. While cold and flu season has much to do with the abundance of absences, some people are using up those sick days to spend more time with their families, get in some last-minute shopping or just relax in bed when the weather outside looks too bleak to even deal with.

This is a gigantic pet peeve of mine, I've never understood why people try to be so creative with their hooky excuses, it makes no sense whatsoever. It's like I'm the only one that learned that the simplest lie is always the best one. If I want to bang out of work, I just call in and say I'm sick...unless my boss is going to call me out and insinuate that I'm a liar, that's all that needs to be done. Yet I still see others around the office who'll go to extreme measures to cover their tracks when playing hooky, I've seen people ham it up all week long with "cold symptoms" (after admitting they're acting) just to get an extra Friday off, I've seen or heard just about every excuse imaginable as a middle manager and gossiper with fellow middle managers, and guess what, they're all horse shit. HORSE SHIT. I know it, you know it, lets stop playing games. You're lying, your boss knows you're probably lying, it's going to be awkward when you come back in tomorrow no matter what you say on the phone, you might as well just say something simple and have less to explain...and that's another thing, don't explain yourself the next day.

Everyone does it, feel like they have to come up with some rich back story for their day off, like they spent the whole day brainstorming ideas for things they could add on to their initial excuse the day prior, stop, it's not necessary, you got your day off, it's over. I don't need to hear about fake sickness conditions, catalytic converters, etc... You needed a day on the couch, its cool, I do the same thing from time to time. Lets not make this more complicated than it needs to be...Like look at this list of the 15 Weirdest Excuses, followed by my comments decoding the excuse:

1. Employee’s 12-year-old daughter stole his car and he had no other way to work. Employee didn’t want to report it to the police. - You're hungover
2. Employee said bats got in her hair. - You're hungover
3. Employee said a refrigerator fell on him. - You just want to watch junk tv in your underwear.
4. Employee was in line at a coffee shop when a truck carrying flour backed up and dumped the flour into her convertible. - A truck dumped flour into your convertible (come on, that's impossible to make up, plus it would be in the news).
5. Employee said a deer bit him during hunting season. - You're sleeping in.
6. Employee ate too much at a party. - You're hungover
7. Employee fell out of bed and broke his nose. - You're hungover, and did something stupid the night before, like got in a fight.
8. Employee got a cold from a puppy. - Eww...
9. Employee’s child stuck a mint up his nose and had to go to the ER to remove it. - Your kid is at school, you're catching up on the DVR for the day, good for you.
10. Employee hurt his back chasing a beaver. - You're hungover
11. Employee got his toe caught in a vent cover. - You're a fucking idiot
12. Employee had a headache after going to too many garage sales. - You were up way too late playing Call of Duty and want to sleep in.
13. Employee’s brother-in-law was kidnapped by a drug cartel while in Mexico. - You had a bit too much Tequilla and missed your flight...and you're hungover.
14. Employee drank anti-freeze by mistake and had to go to the hospital. - Bull Shit...No one has ever drank anti-freeze, ever. You're hungover
15. Employee was at a bowling alley and a bucket filled with water (due to a leak) crashed through the ceiling and hit her on the head. - Come on...why would that cause you to miss work, just admit it, you're sleeping in.

As you can see, like 90% of the time, your boss knows, you're just hungover or want to sleep in...It's cool, your boss has been there. Just come out simple and say, "hey, I'm sick today."  That's all, don't over abuse it, don't get to clever, just keep it simple. You get one bang out per quarter in my opinion, no need to go all over the top with tales of Mexican Drug Cartels and Bowling Alley buckets of water.

Dr. Jack: And the new boss is....

  

Hey remember when I said Steve Carell’s replacement on “The Office” would be someone who was a successful movie star in the 80’s but whose career had quieted down? Boom, nailed it.

Ok, so the announcement yesterday that James Spader will become the new head of Sabre put an end to my Matthew Broderick fantasy. But I still maintain that would have been a good choice, despite the protests of several Alt Tab commenters.

So where do we go from here? “The Office” writers chose the guest star I felt gave the strongest performance in last season’s finale. Even his character’s name, Robert California, was funnier than anything Jim Carrey or Ray Romano said. The rumors now are saying with Spader becoming the CEO of Sabre in the season premiere that someone will be promoted from within to take over in Scranton, most likely Jim. This should work because Spader is said to have a much larger presence on the show than Kathy Bates ever did. (Although I am sad to think my ex-roommate Zach Woods who played Gabe might now be off the show. Yeah, I know famous people. Deal with it.) Spader’s addition will add a much needed jolt to the show, while promoting Jim will still allow for continuity within how Scranton runs on a daily basis.

I complained in my previous post about how depressing it can be to think about Jim’s life. How it was a guy who never wanted to be there, who seemed to have the creativity and panache (French!) to be doing something more than working in a dying industry. When he got married and started a family his pranks began to seem less than humorous rebellion and more like a cry for help from someone who’s become stuck in their lot in life. I’m not saying the character doesn’t love his family, I’m more so pointing out the “hero” of the show has had one promotion in six years and is in virtually the same job as he was when the show started.

Now, I have no inside information about whether it will be Jim who gets the main gig in Scranton. It could still be Andy, Dwight or Darryl, but I feel the finale was setting it up to be Jim. I actually thought he was just going to take it out of frustration with his coworkers during the process, sort of like a, “You can’t take this seriously? Fine, I’m the boss now!” I’m excited for the chance to root for Jim again, as I think having Spader as the boss will put Jim back in the sympathetic role he was in until he won Pam. I was ready to give up on the show once Michael left, but adding Spader and hopefully promoting Jim will definitely keep me tuned in for at least another season.

I’ll close with some highlights off Spader’s resume to hold you all over until the season premiere in the fall.

• Born in Boston. Always popular with most locals, which is why there are several people who see no issue telling the news they’d like to see Whitey Bulger beat the rap.
• Has won 3 Emmy awards for Lead Actor in a Drama Series
• Played the bad guy in “Pretty in Pink” which is one of those movies I’ve never seen but I feel like I could tell you everything that happens in it
• Was in a movie called “Crash” (not the Oscar winner) about people who get in car crashes and use the adrenaline rush for crazy sex. Yeah.
• Turned out Iron Man as a gay prostitute for cocaine money in “Less Than Zero” 

-Dr. Jack