Two NFL Related Observations

While I could spend 500 or so words agonizing over the Patriots heart palpitations inducing loss yesterday, while simultaneously ripping the fans who played a real life game of Red Rover, Red Rover, Fleeing their seats for the parking lot when it looked like it was over, then sprinting back when there was a sign of life, then fleeing once more...I've decided that would be far to depressing. Instead I've decided to repress that horrid, horrid loss, the Aaron Hernandez injury, and everything else from that game, deep, deep down, where I'm sure it won't cause any sports related emotional issues. It's the healthier way.

Instead I'd like to point out two NFL related observations:

1. These new jerseys with faux-collars, they have the ghey:

There's really no two ways about it, at no point in time should I be able to tune into a Sunday afternoon football game and briefly think I'm watching Hogwarts Academy in a spirited game of quidditch.

2. I would have never drafted Matt Stafford if I knew how doughy and round his face was:

It may be weird (it's 100% weird) but I just don't can't feel confident in my quarterback if he doesn't have squared jaw lines. Huge oversight on my part. I checked out his stats, his bye week, projected stats, waded my way through countless egomaniacal Matthew Berry columns, all of it checked out... But I forgot to check the headshot. Now I'm stuck with this. A guy who's face looks like he just enjoyed a nice cold-cut platter full of salt cured meats. Fuck.

No One Knows When to Celebrate the 4th of July This Year and it Sucks

Not this year Uncle Sam...those girls have work Thursday...Sucks, huh?

It's a joke, an absolute joke. You just flat out cannot have the biggest summer holiday of the year on a goddamn Wednesday. It doesn't work. No one knows what to do.

Celebrate the weekend before? And risk having a bunch of no-shows at your weirdo, super early BBQ because they're afraid of going too hard on the first lap of the race with all the other potential parties looming later in the week? No thanks.

Celebrate the weekend after? For sure not. Throwing your 4th of July BBQ on July 7th is just setting  yourself up for disaster, running the risk of throwing your party after everyone else already beat you to the punch. It'd be the Newmanium, Kramanium situation all over again.

Toss it on a frigen Wednesday? I guess it's the only feasible option, but it flat out sucks. So now I'm expected to go to a backyard pool party on a random Wednesday full on knowing that I'm going to be miserable/throwing up in the handicap stall at work the next day? Gee thanks.

Personally I blame the Founding Fathers for this mess. Pretty much the most important national holiday we got and we couldn't secure the coveted Monday/Friday time slot? What kinda bullshit is that.

We couldn't have pulled some kinda Easter like thing and said 4th of July is the first Sunday after the first full moon in July? Of just called it the first Friday of every July? I know the actual date is important but you're slapping that importance right in the face by making me choose to either drink responsibly or go hard and have a miserable day at work the next day....I mean what kind of world are we living in where someone like myself, a full blown American, had more fun celebrating Cinco De Mayo this year than I will the 4th of July. It makes zero sense. We're better than that. Either we start manipulating our calendars so the 4th of July falls on a Monday/Friday every single year and just say fuck the rest of the world, we're doing this...Or, we fall in line and follow the same Monday/Friday rules that Memorial and Veterans day follow so Americans everywhere never have to go through this nightmare again.

And if anyone can forward this to either Romney or Obama, I can guarantee them, they stump for this issue, its a guaranteed election. Guaranteed.

The NFL is Winding Down and the Holidays Are Over: Happy Season Depression Day!

I feel you bud, asked for a Forever Lazy and Received a Drug Rug, We've All Been There

Woke up this morning with the realization that its all down hill from here for the next couple of months, just nothing left to look forward to. My weekends are slowly going to get worse, the Holidays are crappier (nothing against the Good Doctor, MLK, or Lincoln and Washington, but you guys wouldn't even matter if it wasn't for the Pilgrims and Sweet Lil Baby Jesus), and to top it all off, no more random vacation days because you're in the middle of the "4th quarter push," where I basically didn't work a full week from mid-October on because I had days to burn.  

Nope, today is solidly January. The football field has been cut to 12 and will be halved in each sequential week, the holidays are fewer and further between with less celebrating, and I legitimately won't take a vacation day until March Madness and St. Pattys day come around, because lets face it, if you live in the Northeast and aren't a skiier (which I'm not), January and February are an absolute barren waste land. 

 That, right there people is what we're about to give up (no, not the hair, I'm sure that's male pattern baldness, I mean the sheer laziness of NFL Sundays). Ask any domesticated male and they'll tell you, there is no better built in excuse in the world for spending an entire day in a sweatpants and robe/blanket combo than NFL Sundays. They can't be beat. I have no idea why, but women don't even seem to put up a fight when it comes to this ritual. Every other day of the year they'll have no problem nagging you out of your laziness, but for some biological, survival of the species reason, when you move from the bed, plop down on the couch, and simultaneously flip on the pre-game show and crack open your laptop for fantasy monitoring, they know to just let it alone. Serve a snack or two, maybe run some errands or wash some dishes, or just join you watching the game, but really reading some celebrity gossip mag. 

It's a beautiful thing, and it exists no where else in the sports world. Think about it, can you imagine telling your wife/fiancee/live in gf, that you need to spend the next 8-10 hours watching NBA games that in no way involve the home team? Or telling her that all you really want to do is watch the TBS Baseball Triple Header while monitoring your fantasy baseball team? How quickly do you think you'd be divorced? By half time? Your shit out the door by the 7th inning stretch? Speaking of things that exist no where in the sports world....

Uhhh...whats going on here? Where are the guys in t-shirts and sweatpants, reclined back as far as they can in the couch because they're so full from beer, chips, nachos, and hoagies/wings? Granted sometimes I watch in jeans, but why are you wearing buttoned up shirts (douchey ones that highlight chest hair to boot), whats with the nerf football, the visually appealing presentation of those sliders, and the lone mug of beer with no cans or bottles strewn about? I have no idea what the hell these guys are doing, but I can tell you for damn sure they're not watching football. If I had to guess, they're watching some Tyra Banks special and discussing where they get their eyebrows waxed, because these are not real men watching football. Whoever came up with this advertisement presumably was fired.

The Definitive Alt-Tab Happy New Year's Post

HAPPY NEW YEAR...From two guys who may or may not have been a couple of the Chilean Miners...Bet ya didn't think I had anymore Chilean Miner material left, did ya? It's a New Years Miracle.

In all seriousness though, Happy New Year everyone...and as always, if anyone says "See Ya Next Year" today, you have a one time amnesty pass on smacking them in the face with no repercussions.