Jessica Simpson: Paid as Professional Fat Person

TMZ - Jessica Simpson is now getting paid for being fat -- the singer just announced ... she's the newest spokesperson for Weight Watchers. Jessica made the announcement moments ago on her Twitter, writing, "So excited to be a part of the @WeightWatchers family!' Jess don't come cheap neither -- the Weight Watchers deal is reportedly worth $4 MILLION. The singer reportedly gained 65-75 POUNDS during her recent pregnancy -- and Weight Watchers must be waiting for a big reveal ... because Jessica hasn't been photographed in public since she gave birth.

Fucking Jessica Simpson. Broad has the life, right? Made in the Shade. Years after her music and film careers ended she's still rolling in cash. Paid for being dumb on television, undoubtedly made millions for being the first person ever to be pregnant for 12 months straight, fat like you read about, but will always sort of be thought of as a sex symbol because of this video:

And now she's being paid for being fat. That's as rigged a life as you can get. Being a fucking land monster and having Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers shower you in cash in a bidding war for your oversized and cottage cheese-riddled ass as the face of their company. $4 Million Dollars, folks! That's $53K per pound that she gained during pregnancy. 

Blows my mind. On the one hand we've got New York banning sugary drinks over 16 oz., on the other we've got the entire country celebrating this sea cow for letting herself go. It makes zero sense. 

Foolish me over here going to the gym every day for the last few months to try and shed a year and a half worth of laziness from my gut, could have just walked down to Weight Watchers and used my new found girth to obtain personal wealth. 

I've been doing it all wrong all along.

Celtics Vs Heat Game Three Preview, Who's Paying the Refs?

Well that's just patently false, anyone who watches the NBA knows the Celts are winning this game tonight at the free throw stripe. It's gonna be 8 on 2 tonight.

Commish probably already sent a personally signed hand written letter to Bron-Bron and DWade apologizing in advance for tonight's officiating, telling them that Game 2 was a bit too obvious and now they had to swing bit back the other way to save face, and they might even have to play game 4 straight up too if Dwayne can't stop practicing his kung-fu moves in game.

If you're Doc Rivers you've got to know this going in and rest your Big Crickety Three as much as possible. You're going to be getting so much help that Stiemsma and Pietrus can probably wrap this thing up themselves tonight. 

Krispy Kreme's "Best Friends" Is What's Hot in the Streets

In all honesty, if something happened to Money Maker Mike I don't know what I'd have done with myself. Would have been like losing Nate Dogg all over again. 

Raw emotion. Maybe not lyrically as good as Krispy's biggest hit so far, but still, it was just so powerful. The production value has come a long way too.

If you're a high school or college grad and aren't hiring Krispy Kreme to MC your festivities you're just flat out not in the game.

And if you've got a best friend, make sure you've got each others backs...RIP Tupac Shakur.

Screw it, lets roll his greatest hit:

Michael Jordan's Son Tweeting Hookers and Porn Stars?

That's Michael Jordan's son, Marcus Jordan. He likes hookers, a lot, apparently, I mean he through out two $ signs instead of the customary one. He also likes designing douche-tastic shirts that only apply to himself.

He's also supposed to be a senior on the UCF basketball team this year...Just guessing the NCAA frowns upon this. 

Guess it's like they say, "If you ain't tweetin', you ain't tryin'."