Old Man Shoots Kids Playing Ding, Dong, Ditch...Promptly Gets Arrested.

Florida - Taking the law into his own hands...lands an elderly Fort Lauderdale man behind bars...and a child in the hospital. Police Detective Travis Mandell says several kids were seen banging on 79 year old, James McIvery's apartment and then running off. He reportedly told cops he came out with a gun in hand and fired two shots into the ground as way to scare off the pranksters. One of the bullets hit a 12 year old. The boy was shot in the stomach- post surgery he is said to be in stable condition. McIvery is charged with aggravated battery with a firearm.

Glad the kid is in stable condition, but I'm not sure what this Old Man McIvery is being charged for? I mean the rules of Ding, Dong, Ditch are fairly clear, if you're willing to participate in the timeless battle between youths and the elderly, then you're accepting the risks that come along with that life...it's kind of like the mob in that regard. This kid isn't some innocent civilian caught in a crossfire, kid just didn't come out on top on this particular day, head just wasn't in the game.  As far as I'm concerned, score one for the elderly and move on to fight another day.  Make no mistake about it, if the aggravation of repeated ding, dong, ditch had given Old Man McIvery a heart attack we wouldn't be charging this pack of unruly youths with aggravated assault, we'd just chalk it up to boys being boys. Well it's about time we start chalking up old cranky men shooting wild'n youths as old men being old men. It's time for the double standard to stop, and it needs to start with Old Man McIvery.

Phone Number on Matchbox Tow Truck is Actually a Sex Hot Line

MARIETTA, Ga. -- Like many little boys his age, 3-year-old Carter Vaughn of Marietta loves playing with his toy cars and trucks. But he won't be playing with one of his newer ones any more. "I called the number and I got a real shocker," said Jan Barnett. "It was a sex line," Carter's grandmother added. We called it, too, and sure enough, it is. 

Is anyone really surprised by this? I've kinda just assumed that sex lines only stay in business because of curious kids, like there is no way adults actually call these things with the readily available resources of porn and hookers...you'd have to be an idiot to be charged a few bucks a minute to chat over the phone with some heffer from the midwest talking in throaty hushed tones...gotta be just as cheap to go pick-up a local whore for a quick throw, no? Growing up the coolest kid was always the one willing to dial up 1-800-HOT-SEXX, or whatever the number of the week was, and deal with the repercussions when his parents got the phone bill later. I'd wager on any given day 90% of all phone calls to sex lines are from kids under the age of 14...there's just no way adults are sitting around a speaker phone getting giggles listening to some phone operator talk dirty, no way.

PS: Love how the reporter was angling for the toy at the end of the video as a "collectors item." Bullshit buddy, we all know what you're up to.

Beaking News from Boston: Iced Coffee is Really Popular!

Boston.Com - Until a couple of years ago, iced coffee usually meant a big, sweaty aluminum cylinder of the stuff, weakening as the ice melted, spigot at-the-ready. Or worse: in the fridge, bitter and over-concentrated, chilled from a breakfast pot. It was, for so long, the Rodney Dangerfield of coffee...The conversation spread as temperatures rose in summer 2010 (Boston’s hottest on record). By 2011, another summer of record heat, baristas and their marketers had perfected their game - and their iced coffee. Consumers are lapping it up. “Coffee sales always drop in the summer,’’ explained Nathaniel Howell, sales manager of Terroir Coffee in Acton, a supplier of high-end beans to area cafes. “This summer there’s no drop in sales. It’s because of iced coffee.’’ Managers at several Starbucks locations say that about 80 percent of coffee sales this summer are iced.

STOP THE PRESSES!...I think the Globe is onto something here...people like Ice Coffee? I feel like Boston.Com maybe sitting on a potential goldmine here.  Someone nominate the person who scooped this story for a pulitzer, stat!

Seriously, though, does the Globe (or boston.com, I can never tell the difference) really believe Iced Coffee first became wildly popular in 2010? Is old media that slow to react, can't be right? They just couldn't think of anything else to write or something (the same reason they're running the "best beaches" article for the 78th time this summer)?  Iced Coffee has been popular for the better part of the decade now, hell I see a ton of people walking around the city with iced coffee's from Dunks during the middle of January, never mind when the temperature gets hot.

PS: Why on earth is the Globe plugging Dunks and Starbucks in a local article about iced coffee brewers? Really think they need the free advertising? How about a plug for the best coffee house in the city, Boston Common Coffee Co.  I personally don't know what method they use in brewing their iced coffee, nor do I care...it tastes fantastic and gets me through my day...which is all that really matters when it comes to coffee...I'm not concerned with nutty and floral undertones or the purity of the icing process, just make sure it tastes good by the time it reaches my cup please.

Mexican Beauty Queen Gains 6 Pounds, Rightfully Stripped of her Crown

Fox News - A Mexican beauty queen is crying foul after she was stripped of her title – and she claims it was because she put on a mere six pounds. Last September, Cynthia de la Vega was first runner up for Nuestra Belleza Mexico, a position that normally goes on to compete in Miss World. (The contest's winner competes in Miss Universe.) A slightly more curvaceous de la Vega held a press conference last week claiming she was a victim of overzealous pageant organizers, who booted her for going a little heavy on the food and gaining a few pounds. On Tuesday, she appeared on Good Morning America saying she was “sad and very deceived.” “I cried and cried and cried,” she told the show. The 19-year-old said all she wants is to represent her country. The pageant’s move disqualifies her from being a contender of the Miss World contest, which is in November. But pageant officials say her removal had nothing to do with a chunkier de la Vega. Instead, they said, her title was stripped because she showed a lack of discipline and failed to meeting the ceremonial obligations of a well-behaved beauty queen. “The training of a beauty queen is equivalent to the training of an athlete – there is no cutting corners on sleep, a zero tolerance for alcohol, and long hours of preparation,” Lupita Jones, Mexico’s first Miss Universe winner, who now heads Nuestra Belleza. Keeping de la Vega “was a risk we couldn’t take,” Jones said.

Preach Lupita, Preach!  Lupita gets it...You can't just rest on your laurels once you're a mexican beauty queen, shit's not all chalupo's, guac, and baby chimi's once you get that crown, this is a full time job and you have a responsibility to keep that ass in shape, you're representing Federali's everywhere.

Hey, quit your crying, get your head out of that bowl of flan and hit the frigen treadmill...I mean, I just don't get what you have to cry foul about? It's a beauty contest, if you all of a sudden make yourself less beautiful, why wouldn't you be stripped of your crown? You knew the deal when you signed up, don't come crying to the judges because you've been going a little heavy on the sour cream on your nachos con queso. You think that girl that finished behind you doesn't want to eat her sorrows away in Fried Mexican Ice Cream? Of course she does, but she doesn't, and now she's being rewarded for starving herself.

PS: She was only the frigen runner up...like I could almost understand crying if you were the winner, that'd be something to be upset about...but you were second place, which means you were probably already a few pounds overweight anyway.

Midwest I-Banker Flys Blames Wall Street with "You're All Gonna Get Fired" Sky Banner

Consumerist - Earlier today, an airplane buzzed Wall Street towing a banner that said, "Thanks For The Downgrade. You Should All Be Fired." Update: FORTUNE got in touch with the person who flew it. She's a Midwestern mother and an investment banker. Last night the woman shot up in bed with the burning conviction that she needed to take her rage over the economic quagmire right to the doorsteps of those she felt responsible for it. "I originally wanted to fly it over Washington, D.C., but learned that you can't do that," she told FORTUNE. "So I chose Wall Street instead, but didn't specifically intend it to fly over S&P. I'm just a mother from St. Louis who feels the only reason we got downgraded was people in politics."

The nerve on this uppity broad, right? Trying to play it off like she's just some main street mother from the heartland of America, just outraged about what the liberal elite are doing to this country...meanwhile she's just your average I-banker, probably rolling in piles of toxic mortgage backed security money.  

This is so conniving I can't do anything but applaud it.  I mean it can't be easy being an I-banker in the Midwest, the local yokels always looking at you dis-trustingly, thinking you're one of us east coast, learn-ed folk, never quite trusting you enough to turn over their investment planning to you...well this'll change that fast.  No better way to gain the trust of the simpletons than to dump on Wall Street, the only reason you even have a job in your profession to begin with...genius...She's probably rolling in farm land subsidies and pork belly futures right now.

Arena League Fan Downs Player on Kick Return

Bro, you're gonna get flagged for face guarding on that 9/10...gotta be more subtle.

PS: Love the high five after the play.

Notorious Texas Phone Prankster Sentenced to 6 Months

The Smoking Gun - Fresh from a Texas penitentiary, a notorious prankster yesterday said that he deeply regretted his telephone terrorism and specifically apologized for a malicious hoax of his that ended with a Kentucky hotel clerk drinking the urine of a guest...The conviction stemmed from a prank call that resulted in significant damage to a McDonald’s restaurant. He has also pleaded guilty to criminal charges in Louisiana related to another prank call targeting a Wendy’s restaurant...Markle’s most heinous call, however, was placed in July 2009 to a Homewood Suites hotel in Lexington, Kentucky. That involved prank concluded with a front desk worker drinking a urine sample provided by a guest (Markle led the female employee to believe the sample was apple cider). The call--broadcast live in the Pranknet chat room—is excerpted below. After the worker ingested the urine, Markle exulted, “I want you to understand, ma’am, that you just drank that man’s urine.”

No disrespect to this man's prank phone calling skills, but I wouldn't exactly considering getting some idiot from Kentucky to do something stupid an accomplishment...just saying that wouldn't be on my list of greatest hits or anything.  Think about it, he called up on the phone and asked the hotel clerk to sample "apple cider" that a random guest just happened to have on them.  That's really not his doing, there really isn't even a prank here, guy just got locked up for having a conversation with your average dumb ass over the phone.

PS: I'd much rather know the details about how we managed to cause significant damage to McDonald's and Wendy's restaurants via phone calls, or why he spared the King? Guy an employee or stock holder in Burger King? Or are their employees just a bit smarter than your average McD's burger flipper and didn't fall for his schtick.  I need to know these details, not going to be able to get any work done today wondering this the entire time.