Eddie Griffin Air Humps Two Lesbos's Faces At Comedy Show, Ruckus Ensues

TMZ - The woman who chucked a drink at Eddie Griffin at a recent comedy show, Tells TMZ it was an ACT OF SELF DEFENSE ... claiming she "felt sexually assaulted" by the comedian after he pumped his crotch into her face. Fiona Walshe -- who is a lesbian -- tells TMZ ... she and her partner Leslie were having a good time at Tommy T's Comedy Club in Pleasanton, CA last week, until Griffin singled them out due to their sexual orientation. Fiona claims Griffin pointed to her and said, "You're a LESBIAN. All you need is a good man ... I'll volunteer my services. You won't be needing any strap-on's or vibrators with me." She says it got worse from there, "He started to pump his hips into my face. I felt sexually assaulted and I wanted him to stop -- then I threw the drink at him to defend myself." Fiona claims Eddie went off after that ... "He jumped off the stage and onto my table. He started grabbing everything and throwing it at me" ... including a salt and pepper shaker, she says. She continues, "Before I could get away from him he poured a water bottle on my head and threw it at me."

Had these broads never been to a comedy show before? This is par for the course. The comedian picks out a few people each show and makes the night wildly uncomfortable for them in a manner that would be judged as socially insensitive in any other setting. It's the social contract you enter when you buy tickets to a comedy show. Two drink minimum and a 1:100 chance that  your night is absolutely ruined by a comedian honing in on you. Doesn't everyone know this? You want to avoid this, you sit in the middle to back section away from center stage. You don't sit front few rows, you don't sit back row, and you try your hardest not to sit in the dead center. Otherwise, be prepared for air-face fucking and all other shenanigans.

PS: Anyone else mildly excited for when Gloria Allred undoubtedly takes this case:




Guys dead serious face gets me every time.

Sex Toy Gets the Drop on Chinese Officials Again!

HuffPo - The phrase "inflated body count' took on new meaning for 18 cops in China's Shandong Province who worked together to save a sex doll they thought was a drowning woman. The incident happened July 11 when officers responded to a report that there was a lady in distress in one of the province's rivers...It took more than 40 minutes before the officers were able to recover the pleasure toy. After confirming that they had indeed run around in a panic for nearly an hour over trying to rescue someone’s blow-up girlfriend, the police presented it to the anxious crowd, who quickly covered their children’s eyes and walked away, according to RocketNews24.com No word on how the sex doll got in the river in the first place, but the Times of India reports that Shandong is an important center for producing sex toys in China and supplies them across the globe.

Officials in China, am I right? Second time in as many months some government officials, this time the police, have been fooled by China's burgeoning sex toy business. First it was a rubber vagina they confused for a new species of mushroom, now they're running search and rescue efforts for oddly proportioned fuck dolls. Safe to say I'm still not worried about China as a global threat, just yet.

PS: Do the people of Shadong hang their hat on the fact that they're "an important center for producing sex toys?" Like is it a badge of honor, or something that brings their families shame when they go to visit other relatives..."Oh here comes the "Kim-Lee clan, don't let your kids talk to them alone, they live in Shadong, who knows what those perverts will talk about."

Utah Officials Tracking "Goat Man"

Fox News - Utah authorities are working to identify a man spotted dressed in a goat suit among a herd of wild goats in the mountains of northern Utah. The photographer who snapped blurry photos of the individual, dubbed "goat man," told Fox affiliate KSTU-TV that he spotted the man Sunday as he was descending Ben Lomond peak, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. "He was clumsy, working his way down the cliff trying to catch up with the rest of the herd," photographer Coty Creighton told the station. "With the binoculars, I could clearly see it was a guy dressed up in a homemade goat suit." Creighton said the man appeared to be wearing heavy gloves so he could crawl on his hands and knees. He also said that at one point, the man lifted his mask and looked up at him for several minutes. "He kind of slouched down, like was getting nervous or was feeling really self-conscious," Creighton added. "He actually got off his hands and knees and sat on the hill for several minutes until he thought I was gone."...Douglass said wildlife officials received an anonymous call Thursday from an "agitated man" after the sighting was reported in local media. The caller simply said, "Leave goat man alone. He's done nothing wrong." ...He said he pulled out binoculars to get a closer look at the herd about 200 yards away and was shocked. The man appeared to be acting like a goat while wearing the crudely made costume, which had fake horns and a cloth mask with cut-out eye holes, Creighton said. "I thought, `What is this guy doing?' " Creighton said. "He was actually on his hands and knees. He was climbing over rocks and bushes and pretty rough terrain on a steep hillside." Creighton moved down the mountain and hid behind a tree, then began snapping photographs. "We were the only ones around for miles," Creighton said. "It was real creepy." 

Do You Goat Man! Do You! I hate clipping that much of an article, but really, what would you have me do, there's just too much there.

Poor guys day is ruined.

And how about Coty Creighton just blowing this guys spot up? Like yea he was feeling self conscious, guy sits at home, sews together a home made goat suit, craws on all fours for miles into the wilderness just for some alone time with his beloved goats, only to have some granola guy out on a walk about snapping photos of him from the hillside. That shit will make anyone uncomfortable. It's like when you were a little kid, maybe like, 8-9 years old, still a child, but old enough to have some inhibitions, can't go around acting willy-nilly like you did a couple of years ago. Maybe you sneak off to your parents basement to act out a favorite scene from the most recent episode of the Ninja Turtles, you're having a blast, round house kicking the air, using an old mop handle as a bow staff, and all of a sudden out of the corner of your eye you notice one of your parents is watching you from the stairs, so you pull this dudes move. You slowly transition out of fantasy land and sit there like nothing was going on until they get bored and leave.  We've all been there, we feel  you, goat man.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: They're Done

I wouldn't be showing my face either

Fuck this team. I don't know how it took me this long to get to this point, but fuck em.  They're absolutely maddening. Go on a run, get a few games above .500, 1 game out of the wild card, lose 4 straight, including getting absolutely blown out the past two games. Right back in the cellar, right back under .500.

Yes they've had more than their fair share of injuries, granted, but I'd be more willing to take that argument if they team has just been wallowing miserably 10 games under .500 or so for the season...that hasn't happened. This team battled back from an ATROCIOUS start, fought themselves into contention a week or so before the all-star game, only to just throw away their last series before the break. Then we see them play the same game of yo-yo these past two weeks, taking 3 of 4 from the Chi-Sox, and then dumping the games right back. It's infuriating.

And the other thing with the injury argument...the grand majority of the injuries on this team, have been on the offensive side of the baseball, you know, the side that is, as of this morning, 2 runs behind the Rangers for the most runs scored in all of baseball. It just doesn't hold water. For the majority of the season these may not have been the guys the Sox had planned on in Spring Training, but they sure as hell produced like them.

So if the offense isn't the problem then I'd say it's safe to circle back to the pitching. IT'S THE PITCHING. They absolutely suck. Between Lester and Becket's season long dueling banjo's of suck routine, Buchholz' abysmal start, Daniel Bard pitching like Steve Nebraska in The Scout, they brought Daisuke back, the guy they traded for to be our new closer HAS NEVER PITCHED A GAME, Melancon might have set a few records earlier this year for must runs allowed in less than an inning, oh yea, and at one point the front office was so desperate that THEY BROUGHT DAISUKE BACK! Did I mention that already?  The only thing they haven't tried is trotting out that fat fuck John Lackey.

So yes, fuck this team. The 2012 Red Sox are a wrap for this guy.