Monday, April 16, 2012

Three Hoodrats Rob House, Claim to be Wrangling Snakes Like the Late Steve Irwin


HuffPo - Crikey, that's a bad excuse! Three burglary suspects gave three different stories as to why they were inside a Florida home Thursday -- including a tall tale about trying to capture a snake like a famous dead crocodile hunter...All three gave different improbable stories when questioned about the home invasion, ...Moultrie told cops that he was in the area looking to rent a new home for him and his girlfriend. He reportedly noted that he wanted to live in an area with solid law enforcement presence because it would be a safer place to raise a child. Mitchell allegedly said he was there to buy marijuana from a drug dealer, whom he claimed had stolen his money and ran before handing over the pot. Mitchell claimed he had chased the dealer into the home...Belmont had the most colorful story. She reportedly said that she was looking for apartments with the other two, and that when she looked in the window of the home in question, she saw a black snake. Luckily, she told officers, Mitchell is "a lot like Steve Irwin" and he always tries to catch snakes. Mitchell and Moultrie had gone inside to wrangle the serpent, she claimed.

Keep this in mind next time you read some progressive article claiming women are the better liars, are better at deceptions, or are better at keeping secrets. This broad couldn't think of anything more plausible than that her husband was kindred spirits with Steve Irwin and was inside protecting some strangers house, wrangling all sorts of wild life.

Are you freaking kidding me.  I can picture these two guys now, just shaking their heads (#smh'ing for you lame internet folks) when the cops tell them what their girl just came up with. And this isn't to say the two guys did any better...they were together in the house when the cops came, the absolute least they could've done was get their story straight before coming out, but still, at least their stories were plausible and based in reality. 

Moultrie was just trying to get a practical first hand account of how the crime response was in the neighborhood before he moved his family in, I respect that. You can only learn so much reading crime statistics online, and Mitchell, well he might have just been being honest. I'm fairly certain he was trying to rob a drug dealer back of the drugs they stole from him. That seems like exactly what happened here. 

This Is Not What They Mean When They Talk About Alternative Fuel Sources for Cars


I mean, I know what happened here, I just don't know how it happened.

What happened was some redneck obviously heard Obama spouting off about some green initiative or another, probably something involving grants and alternative fuel sources for cars, and that redneck had a little light bulb go off..."Hey! The oven my wife cooks dinner on runs on natural gas, I bet my truck could too!" And thus the GE 300 HP broiler plate engine was born. 

But how it happened, I can't even fathom. That stove is intact. It's either the strongest, steel and titanium alloy reinfoced oven of all time (because I would have assumed he just tried to ram the truck into the oven), or these hick bastards put in some real work, cutting out the actual engine, modifying the bumper to fit the stove, and then lowering that baby in...I would have loved to hear her purr the first time they fired her up.

Jeff Van Gundy Hates Flopping More Than Even Me



Preach Gundy! Preach! This has bothered me for years. I hate flopping, I hate it so much, that as a life long Celtics fan, I've still never completely warmed up to Paul Pierce...because of the flopping. Hell, I went out of my way to write an opus to Antoine Walker and supplied probably half a dozen reasons why I loved him more than Pierce, and that guy was a loser...but he didn't flop. I've accepted Pierce, the guy helped bring us a championship, and he does seem to truly care about being a Celtic, but I'll never love his style of play when his go-to move is a pump-fake flop at the foul line.

The Gundy nailed it here, absolutely nailed it. If the office actually cared about cleaning up flopping they'd have some kind of punishment in place. You don't want it to be a judgement call from the ref? That's fine. Make all game tape reviewable after the game and fine players for obvious flops that drew incorrect calls from the refs...$5k for your first five offenses (it's low but if you've only flopped 5 times in a season, you're probably not a serial flopper), 15k for your next 5, 25k from there on out. That'll turn around this trend real fast. 

But the league doesn't, because it doesn't care. I might not go as far to say they're encouraging it, I don't think that's the case, but I do think they've turned a blind eye towards the problem, and it's about time someone called the league out on it.

Sox Fan Pulse Check: The 2012 Red Sox Season is Saved!

Bobby V Doing His Damn Thang

BOSTON—One of Bobby Valentine's first acts as Red Sox manager was to visit David Ortiz in the Dominican Republic and let him know how important it was to keep him on the team. Now everybody is seeing that. Ortiz, a free agent in the offseason, is off to one of the best starts of his career. On Sunday, the slugging designated hitter doubled in the go-ahead run for his seventh consecutive hit and Boston won its third straight game over the Tampa Bay Rays, 6-4.

Welp, folks, mea culpa. It won't be the last time I flip flop on my feelings about this team. And sure the pitching still sucks, but the bats are on fire. A lot of that has to do with being home, I'm sure, but still it was good to see Youk finally wake up, Papi partying like its 2004, and Mike Aviles making me say "Jacoby who?" (I kid, please hurry back Jacoby)  And hey, in a few hours this team could be a half game out, by the end of the day? First place. First place by Patriots day, its what every fan was dreaming of, right? So for today, I've got nothing to swear about, yes I could rag on Buchholz I suppose, but I'd rather focus on Beckett, who Friday proved for now that his expanded waste line does not impede him as a pitcher. So there's that. 

The 2012 Red Sox...baby steps.