Senior Citizen STD's on the Rise...Gross

You'd Wipe that Smirk off Your Face If You Knew She'd Just Given you the Clap

Sun Sentinel - Across the nation, and especially in the Sunshine State, the free-love generation is continuing to enjoy an active — if not always healthy — sex life. At a stage in life when many would expect sexually transmitted diseases to be waning, seniors are noticeably ahead of the national curve. In the five years from 2005 to 2009, the number of reported cases of syphilis and chlamydia among those 55 and older increased 43 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control.  In Central Florida, the rise is even more dramatic. Among those 55 and older, the reported cases of syphilis and chlamydia increased 71 percent in that same five-year period. That puts Central Florida ahead of the state, which saw a 62 percent rise in those two sexually transmitted infections among the same age group.  As a result of the national trend among seniors, Medicare is considering providing coverage for STD screenings for seniors. Last month, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid office announced that it was looking into adding STD exams to the national health insurance program, which already pays for HIV screenings. Medicare also is weighing the benefits of paying for behavioral counseling for sexually active seniors.

Gross.  By far the worst side effect of the viagra age is all these free love hippies that are now all senior citizens just skanking it up in their nursing homes like its a college dormatory.  Really when you think about it, not much has changed for them from when they were in there 20's.  Still living in a communal housing setting still getting their rocks off via pharmaceuticals (just substituting shrooms and acid for various pill cocktails) and still sleeping around with as many partners as they can. 

Who wants to go visit gramp and grandma in the nursing home knowing that you may walk in on the middle of one of their hipster swinging key parties and seeing grandpa getting a ride in his wheel chair from Gertrude down the hall in 4E?

Just as nasty as it gets.

Alligator Makes Pitstop in Florida Woman's Bathroom, Entered Through the Doggy Door

PALMETTO, FL - A Florida homeowner was left tentatively checking every inch of her property Sunday after returning home to find a six-foot alligator in one of her bedrooms, according to local broadcaster Bay News 9. Alexis Dunbar recalled the moment she came face to face with the most unwelcome of visitors, saying, "I look to the right, and there's an alligator in my guest bedroom." The deadly animal found its way from a nearby pond into the empty house in Palmetto, Fla., through a doggie door and left its mark Saturday, with the floors covered in blood. Dunbar managed to get out but was left certain that the gator devoured one of her beloved pets. "I thought my cat was eaten," she said. "There was blood everywhere." Fortunately, the cats were later safely recovered, and it was determined that the blood was seeping from the gator.

You have to move when this happens, right? I mean, doggy door or no doggy door, I cannot possibly live in a dwelling that alligators can easily access.  The thought scares the shit out of me.  Like what if this lady was just getting up for a midnight piss and stumbled upon this alligator chilling out in her bathtub?  Shit would not have ended so peacefully, you can believe that. 

The cynnical side of me thinks too bad it didn't really eat the cat, would have been one less crazy cat lady, right?  At least at that point she could have broke down and got the dog that she really wanted anyway.  That had to be what she was going for when she cut a doggy door in her house for her cat.  Cats should be either outdoor or indoor, not both.  Roaming free fending for themselves killing small varmint or ruling the roost indoors annoying the shit out of non-cat people who may be visiting.  Can't have it both ways though.  So yea, secretly, deep inside, I'm sure this lady was a bit upset when Whiskers showed up later that night and decided to sleep right on top of her head in his claimed territory.

The Burning Bush in the 10 Commandments Movie is the Strangest Thing in Film History, Right?

Sat down and watched the 10 Commandments on cable in it's entirety the other night (yea from 7-11:45).  First let me say, so that I'm not risking being smoten on the spot here, that this is an absolute classic film, and now that it's been digitally remastered the colors have never looked so vibrant.  

That said, each and every time I see this movie I really get thrown trying to decide between which is the odder sequence of events; Moses chatting it up with a burning bush that isn't really on fire, that is purportedly the voice of God. Or, Moses just straight up parting a gigantic ocean sized sea with a wave of his magic staff, with all his 1000's of followers racing across the presumably miles long sea bed in a matter of a few minutes.  

Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of odd happenings in this film, without even touching upon the fact that these people just blindly followed him for 40 years while the dude was lost in the desert, just kept taking wrong turn after wrong turn and apparently no one had the balls to step up and suggest they may be traveling in circles.  

But without a doubt, I've decided that the whole burning bush phenomenon is the weirdest event in film history. For a pretty simple reason, no one else but Moses was witness to this.  When he parted the sea there were 1000's of witnesses, that seems like a reliable sample size to say he somehow got that job done.  But the whole burning bush thing, really? No one questioned him when he came down from the mountain side? No one felt like climbing up there to take a peak themselves? It just seems odd that so many people would be willing to take the advice of a crazy bearded man who spends his time trapsing through the desert with nothing but sandals and a walking stick, preaching about burning shrubberies communicating the word of God. 

Call me a heathen or whatever else you want, I think I'd definitely be on the Egyptians side if I heard this guys ramblings back then. 

Michigan Law Makers Propose All Foster Children Shop Second Hand Clothes Only...So What?

Doesn't look like punishment for Foster children, looks like heaven for hipsters

Michigan Messenger - Under a new budget proposal from State Sen. Bruce Casswell, children in the state’s foster care system would be allowed to purchase clothing only in used clothing stores. Casswell, a Republican representing Branch, Hillsdale, Lenawee and St. Joseph counties, made the proposal this week, reports Michigan Public Radio. His explanation? “I never had anything new,” Caswell says. “I got all the hand-me-downs. And my dad, he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army, and his comment was — and quite frankly it’s true — once you’re out of the store and you walk down the street, nobody knows where you bought your clothes.” Under his plan, foster children would receive gift cards that could only be used at places like the Salvation Army, Goodwill and other second hand clothing stores. The plan was knocked by the Michigan League for Human Services. Gilda Jacobs, executive director of the group, had this to say: “Honestly, I was flabbergasted,” Jacobs says. “I really couldn’t believe this. Because I think, gosh, is this where we’ve gone in this state? I think that there’s the whole issue of dignity. You’re saying to somebody, you don’t deserve to go in and buy a new pair of gym shoes. You know, for a lot of foster kids, they already have so much stacked against them.” Casswell says the plan will save the state money, though it isn’t clear how much the state spends on clothing for foster children or how much could be saved this way.

Cry poor all you want foster children, I don't see anything wrong with this. I mean wouldn't this just be foster children living by the same standard that pretty much all middle class second born's live by?  Legit I don't think a second born of the same sex as their older sibling ever gets to buy their own clothes until they hit 16 and make enough money to support their own wardrobe.

CW's poor younger brother suffered for years at the whims of my fashion sense.  Those MC Hammer pants that were fly as shit when I was in the second grade in '92? Not so dope when he hit that age by '96.  Pretty sure the fluorescent fanny packs and fishnet tank-tops I rocked the summers of '90 and '91 weren't "in" by the mid '90's either.  What can I say, I was a cutting edge fashion kid ages 5-9, you couldn't sneak a trend by me no matter how quickly it fizzled out.  

Luckily for my brother that phase passed and I quickly turned into the solidly casual average dresser I am today. But frankly, it's still amazing today that he made it out of those early years as normal as he did.  I mean I can't imagine the first time in 95 when he showed up in Zuma pants paired with a Larry Johnson on the Hornets basketball jersey that anyone thought he belonged anywhere else but the Sped class.

PS: One additional note, Hipsters shop at places like The Garment District, and Salvation Army all the time, and they're really cool, right? So again, what's the big deal here.

Easter Brings Another Family Gathering and With It Another Hilarious Misunderstanding at the Dinner Table

Well, Easter has came and went, another family gathering in the books, full of the usual; people repeating stories over and over again so each person that jumps into the story late can catch up, the usual discussions of various ailments that we've all become afflicted with, tips on which department stores carry toilet paper and other household goods for the lowest MSRP (legit its like prepping for an episode of the Price is Right when we get together), and the always popular and hysterical misheard quotes by someone who wasn't really paying attention to the story but just caught the wrong part.

This years award for best misheard quote goes to CW's Nana.  

We were all sitting around the table post meal, digesting and preparing for desert, simultaneously my brother got up to grab the Canoli's as I decided to throw a scrap of ham over to our dog.  At this instant my father pointed out that I'll be in trouble if the dog has bathroom issues later as a result...well this is where the fun began.

My Nana, always with a keen ear towards stories about bowel movements apparently, jumped into the discussion, seeing my brother carrying the canoli's and hearing my father lecture me about having bathroom issues, immediately assumed that I had contracted some sort of canoli based diarrhea issue.  My aunt picking up on the discussion at this point inquired as to when the delicious Italian pastries began giving me bowel issues. 

Needless to say, this story took a solid 5 minutes to unwind and catch everyone up with the fact that: No, canoli's do not cause me explosive diarrhea, and that my father was simply referring to myself feeding the dog a piece of ham.  You have to love family gatherings.

Sign Spinning Advertisements Seem a Bit Counterintuitive to me.

Orlando Sentinel - There seems to be a proliferation of people standing by busy highways ranging from people in Statue of Liberty costumes to others in solid gold clad suits. This guerilla advertising is in full swing, drawing attention to the businesses just off the road. The competition for drive-by attention has spawned the athletic subset known as sign spinners. The national franchise Aarow Advertising says that it has turned this promotion method into “extreme sport, performance art.” Extreme sign spinning can be used to attract customers to special events or on going enterprises that want to gain the “cool factor” over their competitors. The advertiser's program includes spinning school and a merit system in which the more creative spinners get more work. At the Orlando franchise for Aarow Advertising, the mostly twenty-something males meet regularly to improve their techniques and learn new tricks.

That kid in the video would be straight up fired if that was an Alt-Tab sign he was slanging on the corner.

Hey Dickhead the people can't even read the fucking sign with you doing all your urban hip-hop flair moves.  It's a minimum wage job, lets not get too fancy here, just stick to the basics and hold up the sign. You're getting paid the same as that Statue of Liberty tax guy over there, you don't see him breaking out a sheet of card board and a boom box to break dance, do you?

At the end of the day this job standing on the corner is the only thing keeping you from being homeless, so why don't you do  your job, make sure the people can read the advertisement, and check out at the end of the day.  If you can't handle that I'll fire your ass and you can stand on the corner spinning your own cardboard sign begging for change all day long.