Alt-Tabs of the Week

Kevjumba is a Heterosexual Bear Wrestler -  When your YouTube channel has more than a million subscribers and you have close to 300,000 fans on Facebook, you can sort of own the Internet for a little while. The above explains why the phrase "Is Kevjumba a heterosexual bear wrestler" was the most-searched thing on Google for a few hours Thursday night (Jan. 20). It's in response to the YouTube star and former "Amazing Race" contestant's latest video.  In the video -- after he apologizes for a relative lack of new posts and does a bit with his dad -- Kev (real name: Kevin Wu) explains that he's noticed if you type "Is Kevjumba" into Google's search bar, the auto-complete suggests "Is Kevjumba gay" (although that was only the second suggestion when we tried it; "Is Kevjumba a jerk" came up first). He wants to project more of a tough-guy image, so he suggests that his fans type "Is Kevjumba a heterosexual bear wrestler" instead. Thus is a meme born Although we would've been more convinced if there had actually been some bear wrestling in the video.

Woke up this morning to see "Is Kevjumba a Heterosexual Bear Wrestler" as the top google search of the day. Immediately I thought, well that's silly, is there any other kind of bear wrestler? After my initial curiosity faded and I searched around I thought, God damnit, why didn't we think of that.  Owning the internet for a little while is this sites mission statement (if we were to have one anyway).   Is it really as simple as coming up with an outrageous title and hoping it spreads? If you google The Alt-Tab right now we're still not the top choice and we're over 300 posts in.  This is frigen embarrassing.  I'm going to spend the rest of the weekend thinking of a title for Mondays  first post.  We're going viral or I'm dying trying.
More after the break

Online Poker Player Owes $150 Million in Taxes

LetItFlow - Sometimes it doesn’t pay off to attract attention to yourself. Viktor Blom – aka Isildur1 – is learning that lesson the hard way as he faces a $150 million tax bill.  The identity of online poker star Isildur1 was officially revealed by PokerStars earlier this month, finally letting the public in one of the worst-kept secrets in the online poker world in 2010.  According to the newspaper, Isildur1 played for around $4.5 billion in total on FullTilt and could end up owing the Swedish government as much as $150 million in taxes if they decide to pursue the case.

Wait, people actually win in online poker? I honestly gave up a few years ago when I started assuming robots were winning.  Just me, but I don't like admitting defeat to robots, I had to move on.    And 4 Billion Dollars? Dude was cheating, right? Like taxes are the worst of his worries?

4 Billion! Come on man, you didn't think someone would notice missing taxes on billions of dollars.  I know rich people set up tax shelters and hide their money but where the hell did you plan on stashing that? That's the GDP of a few 3rd world countries.  Thats Scrooge McDuck swimming around in a pool of gold coins for shits and giggles kind of money.  I must be missing something here, I wouldn't have even assumed 4 billion dollars worth of money was even being gambled in total on online poker sites.  My mind is figuratively blown.

Penny Packers Financial Advice: This May Be A Successful Blog Entry: Sources say

The CW recently alerted me that his loyal readers are in grave need of financial advice. I am not sure what has changed in the recent future that has lightened the pockets of Alt-Tab readers, but I may have a hunch. As the Alt-Tab’s resident financial analyst, I volunteered my services to help bring the readers back to prosperity through regular investing related blog entries (or any topic I see fit).

Side note & Disclaimer: since my day job does not require or include financial analysis of any kind, I fit the bill perfectly as I am the only “analyst” whose compensation demands fall perfectly into CW’s budget. You may wonder why you would take financial advice from someone with no experience and no prospects; well I was wondering the same thing (apart from the obvious fact that it’s better than the alternative Alt-Tab financial guru: The Maestro. That was, until I was researching my upcoming blog series regarding my investment picks and stumbled upon some cutting edge analysis.

Pop Inside for More.

Reader Submission: Does your office have heat? Mine doesn’t

Guest blog from loyal reader Milosh:

I know there is nothing CW enjoys more than a good rant, so I’m going to give this my best shot.  The last 3 mornings I have come into work there has been no heat in my office.  The only thing colder than my office right now is the Maestro’s picks (Zing!).  I’ve had to go down to the lobby each day and ask them to turn the heat on, and it usually takes all morning for them to do this.  I know, I know you guys are probably saying “Hey Milosh, put a jacket on and suck it up!”  I’m sorry but there are certain things that I expect my office building to provide me:  heat, electricity, and running water.  That’s all really.  While CW’s biggest issue today is deciding what candy bar he’s going to get from the vending machine, I’m trying to figure out ways to stay warm. 

I feel like Costanza in his office at Play Now, except instead of Mr. Tomasulo trying to sweat me out he’s trying to freeze me out.  You’re an office building, you need to be able to heat your building!  Each day I’ve gone down there they’ve said something along the lines of “Oh we forgot to turn the heat on for that wing of the building”.  What?!?!  Turn the F’ing heat on for the whole F’ing building! 

I will leave the ranting to CW from now on.

Championship Weekend...Ugh

NY Jets @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3), O/U 38.5: So I’ve basically been avoiding any sort of sports news this week after last Sunday’s debacle of a football game. I figure I’ll tune in again when Carmelo and the Nets come to town to play the Celts. I don’t plan on watching the AFC Championship Game, but what better way to subconsciously root against both teams than to take the under? Last week I talked about how much I love unders and this game should be no different. When these two teams played in the regular season someone at my work Christmas party asked me about the game and I made a remark about how I was “rooting for the terrorists”. Oddly enough, it didn’t go over too well. Anyways, the Jets D is starting to come together, but their offense did not impress me last week. The Steelers had the help of a couple big plays and short fields to top the Ravens, and I don’t see the Jets letting that happen. No matter who wins, we will either have Big Ben looking to tie TB12 with his 3rd ring, or will have the loathsome Jets looking to give New Yorkers one more thing to be obnoxious about. This time we both lose. Pick: Under 38.5

Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears (+3), O/U 43.5: I simply don’t think the Bears are very good. And no, I’m not impressed by them beating an 8-9 team at home last week. The Pack are playing great ball and really impressed me with what they did to the Falcons last weekend. Their rush is going to pressure Cutler into the mistakes that we know he so desperately wants to make and the Bears don’t have the receiving corps to take advantage of what, at times, is a shaky Green Bay secondary. Either way, whichever team wins this matchup will have my full support on February 6th…lets just hope it’s the Packers, because the Bears don’t stand a chance. I hate it, but like everyone else in the betting world, I’m gonna be Fly Like a Cheesehead on Sunday. By the way, how old is that chick in the video? Think she’s single? Think she’s into degenerate gamblers from Boston? Call me, cutie. Pick: Packers -3

Lenny Dykstra Goes on Racist Tirade About A Whore He Ripped Off

Radar Online - Former major league baseball star Lenny Dykstra launched into a profanity-filled tirade with racist undertones while denying a porn star's claim that he bounced a $1,000 check for her "companionship"."F**k that wh**e!" Dykstra, 47, told a RadarOnline.com reporter when confronted with Monica Foster's assertion that she spent December 13 with him at a hotel in Beverly Hills and got a bounced check for her time. "This is some f**king black wh**e trying to make money off of me."

Fucking Nails. Guy goes from giving investing advice to "Financial Guru" Jim Cramer, to declaring bankruptcy, and now, bouncing personal checks to high priced "escorts."  Umm, Hey Lenny, I doubt the porn stars and hookers you're banging are savvy enough to be running around creating forged checks from your bank account.  I could be wrong, but just doesn't fit the profile.  Just own up to it, you were so many millions in debt that you had to declare bankruptcy, I don't think you're image is going to take much more of a hit by admitting you got over charged by a whore and then bounced your check.  Seems to be the least of your problems.

And to the hooker, Monica Foster, what kind of prostitute takes a personal check?  You know you're going to have to declare that on your income taxes now right? 

Adult Chocolate Milk the New 4-Loko - WHERE CAN I GET ONE!?

LA Weekly Blog - If recent history teaches us anything, it's that consumer passion for the Bottled Cocktail of the Moment is inevitably followed by a near-hysterical "Won't somebody think of the children?" panic. Next in line for the Helen Lovejoy treatment: Adult Chocolate Milk.  Combining 40-proof vodka with "real cream" (hmmm...), the drink is sold in a "retro-chic" glass bottle with a swing top closure. Adult Chocolate Milk, which was inspired by a casual Facebook post, launched a couple months ago and is now available in 19 states. It has proved so popular, the parent company plans to branch out with Adult Orange Cream, Adult Fruit Punch and Adult Limeade in May.

Yes, Yes, and Yes. I'm demanding these be stocked at my local Kappys, marching right down there on my lunch break and causing chaos until they confirm they've ordered 20 cases. Hell, I want to be an investor.

Can you imagine the rage these are going to cause on college campuses?   Remember waking up for early Saturday college games and dreading having to throw back a beer or cocktail with the fresh taste of toothpaste and cereal still swimming around in  your mouth? Not a problem anymore.  Who in their right mind wouldn't prefer to wake up and tailgate the football game with a couple smooth 40 proof chocolate milks.

Best part is its ageless too.  No one over the age of 35 was touching 4Loko without calling their family physician prior to get the IV drip ready. But chocolate milk? No one out grows chocolate milk.  I still head straight to the Yoohoo section at Tedeschi's every time I'm there, don't even think of straying off course, that's how strong the pull of chocolate milk is.  Grandmas drink it, aunts and uncles drink it, college kids drink it, and hungover professionals drink it. 

Liquid gold in the form of chocolate, that's what we're dealing with here people. 

Vending Machine Toss Up: Hersheys with Almonds or Mr. Goodbar?

 

Here's a quandry, who the hell is buying a Mr. Goodbar in this situation?  That schmuck really needs to assess their decision making abilities, because when you break it down its really a simple choice.  

I've been waiting to blog this for about two weeks, when Mr. Goodbar first arrived in the company vending machine.  Problem was Mr. Goodbar was keeping his distance from Hershey's with Almonds.  But every few days I noticed they were moving closer, as if Mr. Goodbar was brimming with the confidence of a few sales made while he was outside of Hershey's shadow.  So I just checked every day, biding my time until the two were paired together to allow for the perfect blog.  The tale of the tape break down is inside, after the break.