Baby Jessica Sitting on 800K Trust Fund, All Because She Fell Down a Well as a Child

Jessica McClure Morales is now a contented stay-at-home mother of two, and her youngest is 18 months old — the same age she was when her accident drew the eyes of the world to this oil-patch city. She lives less than two miles from the site of the 1987 rescue. "That's all Jessica has ever wanted was to be a mom and have a family," said her father, Chip McClure. "She's a good mom and keeps her eyes on her kids. She's certainly a doting mother."  McClure Morales has no memory of being wedged in the pipe or of the 15 operations that followed her ordeal, according to her father. A scar from her hairline to the bridge of her nose is still visible where her head rubbed against the wall of the well. She also lost a toe to gangrene because one leg was pinned above her head in the underground shaft.  Tim Fischer / Midland Reporter-Telegram/AP file Jessica McClure, known to the world as "Baby Jessica," receives her high school diploma at Greenwood High School graduation ceremonies near Midland, Texas, on May 28, 2004. Now Jessica McClure Morales, she is married with two children. These days, she and her husband run a mobile car- and truck-washing business out of their home, according to a recent interview she gave to the Dallas Morning News.  In October 1987, Chip and Cissy McClure were poor teenagers struggling to make ends meet during the depths of the oil bust. While visiting her sister, Jessica's mother left her in the yard while she went to answer the phone. Moments later, Jessica came upon the 8-inch well opening and fell inside.

Where do I start?  The fact that the little hick baby that fell down the well grew up to live 2 miles down the road from the well and works as a trailer home washer out of her drive way? Or the fact that in America all you have to do is fall down a well as an infant and people will donate wild amounts of money to your cause, and you can just sit back and wait out 20 years to collect it.  

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for what happened, and the public outpouring is a great thing. But it's not like she remembers this whole event, she wasn't even two!Shouldn't the cash be tied to some kind of goals and incentives, aside from live to the age of 25?  

Maybe it's just me but the money probably would have been much better served if it was earmarked for college tuition, or only could be released after obtaining a degree. Probably shouldn't be rewarding people for sitting back and washing their neighbors RV's in their driveway like some teenage kid looking to make a few bucks during summer vacation is all I'm saying here.

Also, what the hell is she doing living 2 miles from the well? Some kind of Stockholm Syndrome? If I fell down a well and was on national tv for the whole ordeal I'd sure as shit move out of state, probably to some safe state that has regulations about abandoned wells having covers on them for public safety, basically no where down south. 

Man Passes Out Masturbating Inside Panera Bathroom Stall

MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) — Police discovered a half-naked man sleeping in a restroom stall with pornographic magazines at a Panera Bread in Minneapolis, according to the Hennepin County Sheriff’s Office. Minneapolis Police were dispatched Wednesday at 2:12 p.m. to the Panera, located at 809 Nicollet Mall, on the report of indecent exposure. When they arrived, they found the man sleeping on his back in the stall with his pants and underwear pulled down around his ankles. Police noticed that there were pornographic pictures spread out and some affixed to the stall walls. The man had apparently fallen asleep while masturbating, according to the criminal complaint.

The lesson in all this?  That Bacon Turkey Bravo is a legit beast of a sandwhich.  Enough Turkey to knock out even the heftiest of dudes. Something to keep in mind when contemplating a post lunch spank.

The bigger issue here, how about the complete lack to privacy in public bathrooms these days.  I think it's safe to assume that this guy would have closed the stall door before turning the bathroom into his own little porn cave, and if that's the case, how in the hell did anyone discover this?  Who's to assume that he's not in there just working on a serious deuce or maybe just using a little quiet time to catch up on his favorite magazine.

In fact, who's to say the man was even masturbating?  He doesn't look like a bright, educated guy.  What if his favorite magazine just happens to be Jugs and he happened to pass out due to extreme relaxation and a large turkey sandwhich.  For all we know those 15 minutes a day this guy spends leisurely reading in peace on the throne after lunch is just a relaxing break in an otherwise miserable existance.  Can you really arrest a guy for accidentally nodding off while reading his favorite periodical on the shitter?  I'd be arrested 2x-3x a year. May not be reading porn, but hey, to each his own, right? This is America after all.

Montana Radio Shack Offering Free Gun with Direct TV (or Pizza if You're not a Complete Nut Job)

CNN - A Radio Shack owner in Montana has upped foot traffic at his Hamilton store by offering free guns for new satellite television subscribers, according to a local paper. Fear not, those opposed to gun ownership and those who might fail background checks. You can have free pizza instead. Strand said the promotion, which began in October, has tripled his business and lured hundreds of people curious about the sign. Only one person who “didn’t understand how it works” has reacted negatively, he said. “We have people literally stop in to take pictures of the sign,” Levy added. Simply sign a contract, purchase certain equipment, set up an installation date and congratulations! You could be the proud owner of a Hi-Point .380-caliber handgun or a 20-gauge shotgun from Frontier Guns & Ammo, which is just north of town. If you don’t want a gat or can’t pass the background check (which the Republic reports is also free with the satellite TV subscription), you can still have a $50 Pizza Hut gift card. Strand told the newspaper that other Radio Shack owners in the state were too scared to follow his lead. Even Dish Network had its doubts but agreed to the idea after months of talks with Strand, the newspaper said.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.  If I'm a relatively sane person and don't want the free burner all I get is $50 to Pizza Hut? Don't get me wrong, Pizza Hut is great in a pinch, but I don't think I've spent 50 bucks there in the last 5 years total.  Not to mention the fact that the pistol retails for an MSRP of $120, and I'll assume the shotgun is even more expensive.  What the hell kind of jip-job is Radio Shack running here? You've got to at least throw in a few free 2 liters and some cheesy garlic sticks to make this right. 

By the way, shouldn't the fact that someone would sign up for Direct TV to obtain a free gun, fail the background check right on the spot? Is that the type of rational decision making we want out of a gun owner, really?  Guy just compulsively signed up for a 1 or 2 year commitment all for a hand gun.  I'd hate to see what other impulsive decisions he makes...

TV Networks Pulling Simpsons Nuclear Episodes Off Air, Expect Pat on the Back for their Effor

(EW.com) -- Japan's nuclear power plant crisis is no laughing matter in Springfield: Networks in several European countries are reportedly reviewing episodes of "The Simpsons" for any "unsuitable" references to nuclear disaster. An Austrian network has apparently pulled two eps, 1992's "Marge Gets a Job" and 2005's "On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister," which include jokes about radiation poisoning and nuclear meltdowns, respectively. Al Jean -- exec producer of the animated Fox comedy featuring inept family man/nuclear power plant worker Homer Simpson -- tells EW that he can appreciate the concern. "We have 480 episodes, and if there are a few that they don't want to air for awhile in light of the terrible thing going on, I completely understand that," says Jean, citing the previous example of the 1997 episode "Homer Versus the City of New York" that was pulled after 9/11 because it included key scenes at the World Trade Center. "We would never make light of what's happening in Japan." Twentieth Television, the syndication division of Fox Television, has provided U.S. stations that air "The Simpsons" in syndication with a list of episodes that contain potentially sensitive material given the unfolding disaster in Japan, so those stations can decide whether or not to pull them. (This isn't an uncommon practice in such situations.)

Here's the thing, I get why networks would pull it for sensitivity reasons for a while, but why go out of your way to broadcast it? Why give someone like me a chance to bitch about this? It's not a big deal, you could have pulled the episodes quietly for a while, there's like 23 or so seasons of the Simpsons, plenty of episodes, I'm not sure anyone was going to notice if you pull 3 or 4 off the shelves for a year or so.  

You know why they did it? So they could put out a press release congratulating themselves for pulling the episodes.  It's a publicity ploy.  They could have quietly done the right thing and pulled the episodes without mentioning it, but they had to pat themselves on the back for doing their part to help Japan through their difficult time.

Screw you and your phony self awareness. CW is over here, consciously going out of his way not to make any Japanese jokes (and I went to BestBuy to buy new technology this weekend, do you know how hard it was to walk by the digital camera section and not make jokes) but I'm not out there advertising it so that everyone thinks I'm doing my part. I'm doing shit over here, and pulling episodes of a cartoon off the air isn't exactly making these networks the equivalent of the Red Cross either, so spare me the self righteousness and self congratulations.

Boston Subway Catches Fire During Rush Hour, Commuters Act Like it's No Big Deal

Boston Globe - More than 200 people were evacuated this afternoon from a six-car Orange Line train after a grease fire broke out in a tunnel near the Chinatown station, the Boston Fire Department said. Firefighters responded at 3:02 p.m. to a report of a fire involving a train just outside the station, said department spokesman Steve MacDonald. Deputy Fire Chief Joseph Finn said at the scene that grease had accumulated in the track area and when a train passed over it, it sparked a small but very smoky fire 100 feet before the Chinatown station. The fire was extinguished with two carbon dioxide fire extinguishers, he said. No one was injured as 225 passengers were evacuated, said MacDonald.

Here's my thing, why are you having to be told to evacuate the subway if there is a frigen fire in the tunnel? Go take a bus people!  Do you see that pic, people just hanging out like it's no big deal, like they deal with grease fire smoke on the subway on a regular basis.  There's a goddamn grease fire like 300 yards away, I'd be fleeing the tunnel running for my life, arms flailing.  In contrast you have these battle hardened public transportation veterans who've seen just about everything they can see I guess.  Grease fires, muggings, the occasional groper, and the asian ladies who bring live poultry on the train in their shopping carts.  Nothing phases these people.  Worries about smoke inhalation and possible terrorism fears be damned, they're not missing the next train, doesn't matter if the caboose is a-flame, just another day on the Boston MBTA. 

Florida Town Bans Jello Wrestling During Bike Week

LEESBURG, Fla. -- Leesburg's annual Bikefest is set for next week and city leaders are about to make sure it doesn't get too rowdy. City officials want to ban Jello and pudding wrestling matches. Leesburg city officials want no rain at next week's Bikefest and no controversial events either."We have had some odd events take place in the past. It's simply not the kind of event we want to have at the Leesburg Bikefest," Mayor David Knowles said...For Knowles that means no type of fighting competitions, especially the ones that include Jello, after hearing that some vendors that sell alcohol planned to hold wrestling matches involving desserts. Officials plan to ban them; the city does not want its event to be like Daytona Beach's Bike Week."We've had a number of organizations come to Leesburg and look at Leesburg and say, 'This is not really our kind of party place.' And they go elsewhere," Knowles explained.The mayor wouldn't name names, but says well-known motorcycle gangs now skip Leesburg's gathering, and that's fine with him. He says the city doesn't specifically bill Bikefest as a family-friendly event; it's mostly motorcycles after all. But there are still lots of children and a few events geared toward them, and a more responsible crowd of grownups that tend to behave."It may be an adult event, but it's not an x-rated adult event," Knowles said.

Well Jesus H.  You know why you're a second rate (if that) Florida town Leesburg?  Because of shit like this.  "Does not want its event to be like Daytona Beach." You should be lucky to be even mentioned in the same sentence as Daytona at this point.  People across the country know Daytona and go out of their way to visit Daytona.  You're a backwoods, redneck, hick town that no one has ever heard of, and now, thanks you your mayor, no one ever will. Seriously, while your mayor is busy tucking his sack back, other towns are hosting jello and pudding wrestling events and making a fortune off the tourism dollars.  

If you're holding a bike week you go all out, and if that means gelatin food based fighting contests, then so be it.  Embrace it, higher Bill Cosby to ref the fights, this is your big ticket out of the sticks and into the spot light.  Bike week isn't for families, it's for convicts and bull-dykes. And if I know one thing about convicts and bull-dykes its that they love watching females duke it out in J-E-LL-O.

I've never been to a bike week, not quite my scene, but I'd imagine aside from the Jello Wrestling events it's a total sausage fest, do you really want all that testosterone floating around your city with no release? Bikers just hitting on and groping all your local woman as they go about their daily lives.  Think about your town's safety here before you go making such rash decisions. 

Am I the Last One To Hear About Downhill Ice Skate Racing in Canada?

Seriously, is this not a Winter X-Games event? The winter games have been sorely lacking competitor to the summers Street Luge event and this may be it.  I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in the lack of checking, you are wearing hockey outfits after all, but then again I'm not risking my life flying down this ice luge so I won't complain too much. 

By the way, this is why America needs universal health care, so we can put on gnarly events like this.  Do you think any of the Canadians in the crowd or competing are worried in the least about a skate blade to the jugular? Nope, and you know why? Free ambulance ride and health care. 

I hope our government sees what we're dealing with here, we're losing out on the Extreme Sports innovation field to a bunch of hosers up north because we're busy being the last civilized country on earth arguing about whether or not universal health care is a good or bad thing.