Best of the Blogs

One Third of All Russians Believe The Sun Revolves Around the Earth - And sadly I'm guessing 40% of my readers had to take a second to figure out why that would be blog worthy.  But hey, at least we can finally count out an intergallactic strike from Putin and his commie chronies.

6 Crappiest Interview Questions - Check out the graphic, its too big for this blog. Worst part about being a middle manager? Having to be the one asking these horrendously tedious quesetions we all bullshit our way through anyway.  You think it sucks sitting on the otherside answering them? Try repeating them multiple times a week to overly confident recent college grads who haven't actually accomplished dick in the real world. That's my nightmare.


Office Jargon Meter - The higher up the corporate chain you are, the more sophisticated your Corporate Bullshit Terminology.  I myself am in the "Diluted Bullshit" category, and I have to say it has me pretty much to the T.  God I hate what my job has made me.  See ya'll Monday, I'll be here, same cube as always.

Alt-Tabs of the Week

Former Lackey, Failed Pop Diva, Creepy Sexual Predator, and a Leprachaun? I think you'll do fine Simon

Simon Cowell Nervous About New Show "X-Factor" - So basically it's just a new version of American Idol? What does the guy possibly have to be worried about? Competition from his old lackey, a washed up pop diva, and the Tales from the Crypt Keeper? Please, I'll tune into hear Simons snarky remark any day of the week.

Wild Pigs are America's Biggest Threat - Sometimes an article doesn't even need blogging, this is one of those times "War is being waged right now across the country -- against huge, ever-growing packs of feral pigs that are running rampant, destroying crops, killing wildlife and spreading disease everywhere they go, the U.S. Department of Agriculture reports."

Man Dies in Hospital after Ex Cuts Off His Penis - A woman allegedly slipped sleeping tablets into her former partner's dinner and waited for him to fall asleep at her home in Sydney, Australia, before tying his hands and feet and cutting off his penis, The (Sydney) Daily Telegraph reported in its Friday edition.

Go easy on the lady, at least she made sure the job was finished. Would have been a truly henious act if this guy had to go on living ala John Bobbet.  Castrated and dickless is no way to go about living your life.

The Obama Girls Aren't On Facebook, Big Whoop

WASHINGTON – Michelle Obama says her daughters aren't on Facebook, and that's the way she likes it. The first lady says her girls, Sasha, 9, and Malia, 12, have certain restrictions that other children don't have because of Secret Service security issues. But she also said during an interview on NBC's "Today Show" on Wednesday that she's "not a big fan of young kids having Facebook." Even if the girls weren't living in the White House, Mrs. Obama says Facebook is "not something they need." Maybe when they get older, she added.

Oh hey everyone, let's all congratulate Michelle, good for her parenting, she's such a good mom (end sarcasm).

Talk about a non-story. Hey Michelle, the minimum age for Facebook is 13.  Come talk to us when Malia is of FB age and throwing shit-fits about not being able to log in to "Like" all of her peers Twilight related status updates.  I'm not going to cheer and applaud you for setting a redundant rule for your children, I'll wait to see how you handle it when you've got a 13 year old ball of hormones running around 1600 Pennsylvania, hiding secret Facebook profiles and stalking 8th grade boys because they're so much more mature than the boys in her grade.

And personally, I think you should let her on at that point.  You don't want to end up raising another semi-hippy weirdo like Chelsea do you?  Flitting about from one cause to the next, letting her husband walk all over her.  She's gotta learn how to deal in the real social world somehow, going to be tough enough with Secret Service goons standing over her shoulder at all times, at least let her lead a normal digital teen life. 

Guy Gets Caught Filming in Girls Lockerroom, Breaks Every Skeevy Perv Rule Afterwards

Fox News - It’s equipment managers gone wild at the University of Texas.  A former equipment manager for its track and field team was charged with allegedly filming women taking showers in the school’s locker room.  The alleged scheme came undone when a showering junior noticed a camera lens propped above her shower curtain while rinsing her hair after a track meet, according to an affidavit obtained by FoxNews.com. She screamed and heard retreating footsteps.  She recognized the man and shouted, “Rene!” He yelled, “Sorry!” as he made his way out of the locker room. She dressed, exited the building and Zamora once more yelled “sorry."  Zamora told the student in a text message that he deleted the video, but the student informed her coach about the incident...  School police searched his apartment and found 1,253 objects on computer devices; twenty were identified as pictures -- the others were movie streams.

Complete amateur hour.  Look, I'm in no way condoning this guys actions, but common sense would tell me there are better ways to go about this and it all starts with a quick trip to Skeevy Perv Paradise,  RadioShack. 

Rule No. 1 in the Skeevy Perv handbook, no hand-held video cams.  I'm sure 60-70% of Radioshack's business is selling remote controlled hidden cameras middle aged, mustached men.  Trust me, it's not for setting up nanny-cams. 

Rule No. 2 in the Skeevy Perv handbook, if you're caught go home and delete everything.  Again, I'm sure Radioshack's got ya covered here.  Has to be come kinda program designed to wipe all the illegal footage and pictures you've accumulated during  your time as a Skeevy Perv.  Or better yet, just throw all your electronic shit out.  It always amazes me how often these guys get busted with evidence at home after already knowing shit was about to go down.  Guys, replacing that $1,000 computer and all your homemade DVD's is a much better option than handing the DA evidence in a zip locked bag

Rule No. 3 in the Skeevy Perv handbook, Deny, Deny, Deny.  These frigen guys never learn. Again, I'm not condoning this, but I would just think once in a while common sense would apply to these people. Saying sorry, or telling the person you deleted the footage isn't going to clear this issue up.  There is no person the justice system likes to lock up more than the Skeevy Perv, it's a feel good lock up.  The minute you admit any kind of guilt you've all but committed yourself to a serious stretch of corn-holeing and oral rape, because there are somethings sorry just doesn't cut it for. 

Rule No. 4, Grow a mustache dude, you're not even wearing the uniform.

I'm So Jealous of the Revolution and Partying Going on In Egypt Right Now.

Does anyone else living in American feel robbed just a little bit watching the uprisings in Egypt? Don't get me wrong, I like living in America, knowing that I'm not going to get on the train in the morning to find men with AK-47's demanding transportation payment, knowing that the next time I go to the grocery store I'm not going to be assaulted by some drug war lord, you know, the simple things in life.

But at the same time a part of me desparetly wishes we'd handle political upheaval the same way these 3rd world countries do. The closest I've came to that kind of excitement was the Redsox playoff series' while I was still in college, but even that was just a few local cops with bean bag guns dispersing crowds. No tear gas or baton beatings, none of the good stuff.

Instead of peaceful elections in which more than 50% of our residents don't participate anyway, how about a couple weeks of demonstrations, violent riots, looting, and open street fires?  How much more awesome would it be to run down to your local town hall or state house and whip rocks at the windows when you felt it was time for a change, rather than enter a boring booth and punch out a few chads?  I'd be all about the democratic process if that were the case. 

Plus we'd see some real change. The last two congressional elections have seen huge swings in the majority parties in the house and senate. Have you noticed a change? No. When the biggest threat you have against you is you might lose your office but can still collect thousands of dollars in appearance fees there is very little incentive to make some real changes.  Angry citizens armed with molotov cocktails? Thats a different story. You bet your frigen ass congress would get some work done instead of all the petty bitching that's been going on lately. 

And yea, I'm fully aware that I'm probably going to end up on some governement watch list after this post. I know none of this stuff is gonna happen, but I can't help but sit here and read stories about these riots and protests going on and wish for the same level of excitement.  Look at the passion in those people's eyes, they're raving lunatics and that is frigen awesome.  They're having the time of their lives. The last time America experienced anything like that we were tossing tea bags into the ocean and freeing black people from their chains of bondage (yes I know those were two different time periods).  Its been almost 200 years since Americans have banded together and thrown a national party, excuse me for wishing for a little excitement around here.

George Lopez Isn't Funny, How the Hell is he still on TV?

Jorge Lopez has a television show that hasn't been cancelled as of yet. Think about that for a second. Have you watched more than 5 consecutive mintutes of the Jorge Lopez show on purpose?  Guy doesn't have a funny bone in his body. It's not his fault, its genetic, he's of Latin blood. 

Carlos Mencia had a television show. Was Carlos funny? No, no he wasn't. I mean this guy is so un-funny that he actually stole about 20 minutes of Jorge Lopez's act.  But again, it just wasn't his fault. Mexican and Latino culture just don't play well on the American comedy scene.

Blacks have their oppressed history, hatred and distrust of white people to make light of.  Whites fall back on white trash humor, self depreciation, and wealthy guilt.  Jews? They're just naturally hysterical. Gay comedians have been barrels of laughs in recent years, apparently there is a huge market for Brokeback Mountain jokes,  hell I've even seen a few funny Indians, but never a Latino.  

Latin culture just doesn't play well to an American audience, there just isn't that much that we relate to or care to understand going on there. Big families, loud fiestas, funny mustache's, and multiple variations of tortilla/beef/cheese/and salsa foods.  Love your tacos, hate your parades and loud voices, ambivalent to your "comedy." Sorry, it just doesn't work like other cultural comedy.

Now excuse me while I go start canceljorgelopez.com. It's going to be a traffic giant.

Life Time Presents: The Amanda Knox Story

Fox - The actress playing the killer of British sex-murder victim Meredith Kercher in a gruesome TV movie has sparked further outrage with some crassly insensitive comments.  Hayden Panettiere, 21 -- best known as cheerleader Claire Bennet in the hit TV show "Heroes" -- robustly defended her real-life role and even questioned Knox's guilt. This as Knox's family and the family of her Italian boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito try to block the film from being broadcast on Lifetime on February 21 until after the appeal of their convictions.

Lifetime is on FIRE lately.  Like if they have me this pumped about their specials then you know they're onto something big here.  I've been the biggest Lifetime basher I know for pretty much as long as I remember.  Just about as sexist a network as there is, male bashing all the live long day. But this is the second special in a row that I'm really jacked up to see (the first being the Craigslist Killer special).

And you know what, it looks like Lifetime may be growing up, maturing a bit, opening their eyes to see that it's not always the dudes doing all the raping, pillaging, and killing.  With Amanda Knox you have the timeless case of foxy young college chic dabbling in violent sex and threesomes with her roommate, ending with results no one involved could have forseen. 

So yea, you know where CW's going to be next Monday.  Glued to Lifetime with a bowl of Orville Reddenbacher and a case of Bud Light Lime.  Lifetime has suddenly become Guy-Time TV.

Family Feud Reaction (vid inside)

You can almost see Steve Harvey calculating how much time he has left before he gets canned after this little stunt.  I mean did you see the deadness in his eyes when the contestant said "a joint."

Had to just be thinking, Motherfucker, I'm black! Do you know how hard it was to convince the producers to let me host this honky-tonk show? I need this job man. Do you know how quickly I'm going to get blamed for this?

I mean he knows it right at the end of the skit "this is not good." No, no it's not.  It was a good run Steve, but it's time to move on.  I hear they need a host to replace Regis, maybe go ahead and give that a shot because you're time here has run out.  It aint my decision, blame the old white ladies that run the day time TV cartel.

Hostage Taking Bank Robber Killed In North Carolina

NY Times - A man who took several hostages at a bank in Cary was shot to death Thursday as he tried to leave with a woman at gunpoint, the authorities said. The Cary police chief, Pat Bazemore, said no hostages were injured during the three-hour standoff at the Wachovia branch in the Raleigh suburb. She said that seven people were inside the bank and that six of them were taken hostage. The seventh hid and gave information to the police about what was happening in the bank. Police identified the dead man as 19-year-old Devon Mitchell. “This is absolutely not how we wanted this to end,” Chief Bazemore said. 

Talk about getting jacked up over a news story.  I was popping pop-corn and on the edge of my seat like 12 year old girl watching the results show on Idol watching this play out on the evening news. I was rivetet. 

I thought scenes like this only played out in Denzel Washington movies (who I assume was frantically on the phone buying the movie rights as this shit played itself out). It had everything hostages, cops with awesome assault rifles, and a crazy ass robber trying to make his last stand by walking out with a hostage at gun point. 

Gotta question the robbers decision to come out though, I know he tried to use the hostage as a human shield and all, but he's gotta understand these cops have been fantasizing about this situation all their lives, Chief Bazemore's "not how we wanted this to end" quote be damned. This is North Carolina.  While you and I were out back pretending to be John Elway or Nomar Garciaparra, these gun toting rednecks were running around dreaming of exactly this, a robber using a human a shield and squeezing off that perfect shot to kill the robber and free the hostage.  This was their game winning home run.  

A guys dream came true today. And that's a pretty special thing.