Watch This Umpire Botch Bryce Harper's Would Be Legendary Throw

That's about three hundred feet folks...And make no mistake about it, Baseball Tonight had a better angle, he NAILED him. Had him out by a foot. Ump blew it. Just completely blew it. This should have been just another story in the legend of Bryce Harper, a story I'd tell years from now to my Grandkids, or just strangers kids on the playground because I'm old and have nothing better to do, only it'd be exaggerated...he'd have scaled the wall first and thrown it from approximately 440 feet. But nope. The Ump shit all over that dream. 

Nonetheless, god damnit am I infatuated with this kid. Most exciting rookie since Ichrio, in fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all if hoards of Japanese baseball crazed fans were over there making goofy Hello-Kitty style fan videos dedicated to Harper. Kid's got cross-over appeal like you read about. 

Meet Ivan Johnson: Atlanta Hawk and the most Frightening Man in the NBA

Meet Ivan Johnson. 28 year old Rookie Forward for the Atlanta Hawks. Scariest man I've ever seen in an NBA uniform. Guy makes Deebo from the Friday franchise look soft. A couple of the C's got into a little verbal tussle with this guy after a chippy foul last night and I legitimately feared for their lives. Wouldn't surprise me in the least if this guy was holding a shiv in his rectal cavity during games. He just looks ruthless, and that was before I realized that he legitimately rocks a diamond grill (seen above) on his teeth during games! It's like Cash Money Records infiltrated the NBA, might as well be Lil Wayne, or Birdman himself balling out there.

And there's this, perhaps the single greatest wikipedia page belonging to an NBA player I've ever seen:

"Ivan Johnson (born April 10, 1984) is an American professional basketball player who plays for the Atlanta Hawks of the National Basketball Association (NBA).[1] He is notable for being "banned forever" from the Korean Basketball League (KBL) after making an obscene gesture at a referee.[2]" 

That's it. That's all that's on his wiki page. His birthdate, his profession, and the fact that he was permanently kicked out of Korea.  There's two references, one to his NBA.com page and one to the story about him being banned from Korea, which is obviously written in Korean. 

It couldn't be more blunt. The man plays basketball and he's a bad dude. That's all it has to say. 

Safe to say he's now my most interesting man in the NBA and I'm dying for details in English about what went down over there in Korea.  

Canada Keeps Busy Complaining About Humming Noise Coming from America

WINDSOR, Ontario – Last month, Bob Dechert, a senior aide to Canada's foreign minister, was dispatched to Detroit with an important diplomatic mission: to stop a highly-annoying noise. The so-called Windsor hum, described as a low-frequency rumbling sound, has rattled windows and knocked objects off shelves in this border community just across the Detroit River from the Motor City. Locals have said it sounds like a large diesel truck idling, a loud boom box or the bass vocals of Barry White...Even weirder, Americans cannot seem to hear it. Canadians find that suspicious -- especially since their research suggests the hum is coming from the Yankees' side -- and accuse US officials of staying silent over the noise. "The government of Canada takes this issue seriously," Dechert said after his recent fact-finding trip, which included a visit to a heavily-industrialized area on the American side of the river that some Canadian scientists believe is to blame for the hum.

I don't think you could come up with a better quote to accurately describe Canadian Government than this:

"The government of Canada takes this issue seriously," Dechert said after his recent fact-finding trip, which included a visit to a heavily-industrialized area on the American side of the river that some Canadian scientists believe is to blame for the hum.

 And that right there, is why no one can take Canada seriously. 

I sincerely hope the Mayor, or whatever warlord/strongman is controlling war-torn Detroit these days, tells the Cannucks to go pound sand. Hey Canada, you don't like your neighborhood? Move. No one's forcing you to stay. 

If you can't put up with a little bit of humming that apparently may or may not sound like Barry White (which sounds delightful, FYI), move. Go try out Europe. See how you like the Greeks, Spanish,  Portuguese, Italians, the entire Easern Bloc, and occassionally the Irish asking you for free cash advances all the time.  Better yet, give Africa a shot. I'm sure your Mounted Police and their lack of guns will turn a continent of wild militias right around. Ad try South America, while you're at it. You think a soothing hum is an annoyance? Try and deal with loud speaking latino's everywhere you look. 

Or stop complaining and go back to being normal, quiet, pushover Canadians. What, you think because your quarter is worth a couple more decimal points than ours that you can all of a sudden start calling the shots in this relationship? For sure not.

Jessica Simpson Had the Baby! The Internet Can Finally Go Back to Work

TMZ - The Jessica Simpson baby countdown is finally over -- because she just gave birth to a bouncing baby girl ... who weighed 9 pounds 13 ounces and measured in at 21.75 inches!!! The kid's name is Maxwell Drew Johnson -- which is pretty normal by celebrity baby naming standards. Jessica and her fiance Eric Johnson decided to use the name Drew because it's Jessica's mother's maiden name. Jess just released a statement on her website ... saying, "Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl Maxwell Drew Johnson."

FREE AT LAAAAAST, FREE AT LAST,  GLORY, GLORY,  WE'RE FREE AT LAST!

That was the overwhelming reaction from the folks that bring you the internet yesterday, after being held hostage by Jess's unborn baby for what felt like a year and a half...you may now all go about your regularly scheduled business, the Jessica Simpson is still pregnant jokes maybe be retired.

It was also reportedly the first words of Maxwell Drew Johnson upon exiting his mothers womb after an arduous 18 months of pregnancy. (ok I couldn't resist one last joke, I swear I'm done now).

Couple of thoughts on this:

First, Congrats guys.

Second: It's a girl right? Named Maxwell? Ok...

Third: THAT IS ONE HUGE BABY!

Fourth, and Finally: The pic below is from this blog I wrote back on November 2nd. That's 5 months ago. Jess was at most 4 months pregnant then, and that's assuming the picture wasn't at all outdated...do you see where I'm going with this? She's the size of someone ready to pop there...I'm just going to reiterate what I said back in November:

I'm not sure what the rules are about calling pregnant lady fat, but Jessica Simpson is FAT.  I mean, yea there might be a baby in there somewhere, but it sort of looks like there's a couple honey-hams and a Christmas Turkey too. Look at her! She's built like a brick shit house...you can't tell which one of them used to play in the NFL and which one was a pop star, they've got the same physique!

 

May 1st, 2012 - The Day Paul Pierce Finally Won Me Over

What a freaking game by the C's, huh? First of all, I'm shocked this whole highlight wasn't just Pierce replays, apparently between dominating the 1st quarter and absolutely owning the 4th quarter the other 9 guys on the court played around for a bit. Could have fooled me. 

In what was an absolute snoozer of a game Pierce might have finally attained a very, very rare accomplishment for Boston athletes...he unconditionally won CW over. There's very few athletes in my time as a Boston sports fan that I can say that about. It's certainly not in the double digits.

Believe me, that's a huge deal. 14 or so seasons, a championship, a slew of all-star appearances, that fantastic series against Lebron and Cleveland a few seasons ago...didn't do it. I know, that's wicked odd, almost sacrilege, but its true. I've written about it before, most notably here, but growing up I was an Antoine guy. I know that's indefensible now, I won't get into it again, this is about Pierce today. 

For years Pierce was just a guy with a sour-puss on his face, the ugliest set of basketball skills I've ever seen, and the guy who owns the patent on the worst crunch time offensive set of all time (elbow extended fades with the clock running down)...He hasn't always been the easiest guy to root for, there's just not much for a fan to latch onto and say "that's why I love Paul Pierce." Today, he's still very much that guy. The crunch time offense still flows through his aesthetically unpleasing offensive selections, he's a flopper, his best offensive move is the pump fake, he never appears to run at more than a 7.2 on the treadmill, and the scowl is still there when things aren't going his way...and yet, he produces. 

He's softened me the past few years and last night finally cemented it. I finally believe that he actually gives a shit about what it means to be a Celtic.  That's an odd, maybe unfair, and completely selfish thing to say as a fan, but its The Truth (pun completely intended). 

The C's could have flopped last night, Pierce could have just given his usual effort, KG would have attempted to pick up the slack, but it wouldn't have been enough in the absence of Rondo. The Celts would have been down 0-2 and we'd have spent the today and the next two days wondering if the current Big 4's run was up. If the warriors had finally run out of fight. 

Nope. Pierce wouldn't let it happen, he put in a game for the ages from the opening tip til the final buzzer. He turned back the clock at least 4 years. That was an aging start with too much pride to let his team go out like that. He may not be able to do that every night, but he still has enough left in the tank to turn it up when the team needs him, when the fans need him, when the Celtic franchise needs him. He gets it.

When he talks about loving being a Celtic in his usual monotone, I'll buy into it now. I won't think it's lip service, I won't foolishly hold on to his early career surly demeanor as his true feelings toward the team, the franchise, the fans, and the game. 

I may be the last one on, but I'm now full on the Pierce bandwagon. Sorry it took me so long.