Man Stabs Another Man over Cannoli Dispute In Massachusetts

HAVERHILL - A Massachusetts woman says her ex-husband was stabbed in an argument over cannolis.
Serena Clohisy of Haverhill testified in district court Monday that her former husband, Patrick Clohisy, came to her house May 5 to give their 11-year-old daughter a box of cannolis. Clohisy says her live-in boyfriend, 44-year-old Michael Magyar, threw them away. The Eagle-Tribune reports that when her ex-husband found out, he was upset and told her he was coming over to talk to Magyar. She says she heard noises minutes later and went outside and saw the two men. Her former husband was bleeding. Magyar told a 911 operator that he stabbed Clohisy but told police he acted in self-defense after Clohisy punched him. Clohisy survived the stabbing. Magyar is charged with armed assault with intent to murder and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.


This is going to sound shocking, but I can kinda see where this guy was coming from, stabbing him over cannolis that he had every right to throw out.


So let me delicately tip toe around this one.  I like cannoli’s, I do. But I don’t think they’re the end all, be all, great desert.  And I can see how this creates conflicts, because people who love cannolis, really fucking love cannolis.  People waiting in 100 deep person lines in the north end just to snag a cannoli.  Nevermind that theres’ a shop ever 60 feet selling the things.  I lived in the north end for a year and all I ever heard from family and friends outside the city when I was coming home was if I could bring some cannolis.  People, they sell other stuff, you know that right?


So the fact that this guy chucked the canolis doesn’t phase me, and the fact that he had to stab a dude trying to defend his right to throw the pastries out also doesn’t shock me.  Probably just another rabid cannoli fan who hung out for way too long on the side of the road in boston on a Saturday night pissed off that he wasted his time for nothing.

Man Celebrates his 25,000 Big Mac By Eating a Whopper...Nah, Just Kidding

Fox News - How many Big Macs have you eaten in your lifetime? Well, a Wisconsin man knows exactly how many of the iconic burgers he’s scarfed down over the years, and the number will probably blow your mind. A special ceremony was planned Tuesday afternoon at McDonald’s in Fond du Lac for Don Gorske. That’s because, since 1972, Gorske has eaten at least two Big Macs a day, which means the 57-year-old will be eating his 25,000th Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first. The Fond du Lac man says he ate nine on May 17, 1972 and has only missed nine days since then, for various reasons. He has kept most of the boxes or receipts or has made specific notes in calendars that he’s kept. Gorske says he probably has an obsessive-compulsive disorder but he doesn’t consider it a problem. He jokes that 25,000 is a milestone because people didn’t think he’d live this long. But he says he recently saw a doctor who said he was in good health and his cholesterol is low.

Probably obsessive compulsive? Buddy you kept wrappers and receipts for a sandwich (yea it’s a sandwich, if it comes from Mcd’s, Wendy's, or the king, it’s a sandwich not a burger) that’s costed anywhere from .50 cents-$1.49.  What did you think the IRS was going to audit you on your lunch expendires over the last 30+ years?

And two things on the picture, 1, totally looks like the kinda guy that would have spent the last 30 years eating 25,000 big macs (and apparently as many as 9 in one day, guy's toilet paper bill must be off the charts, must have to buy direct, no middle man department stores for him, straight to the source).  2. the picture was taken in 2008, you could have told me it was from 1972 and I wouldn’t have even blinked.  I question that it’s from 2008 more than if you told me it was a home Polaroid shot. 

Woman Arrested for Drunk Driving to Elementary School Playground Mid-Day

This guy passed out at Chuckee Cheese, is that any worse than on a bench outside the bar? No.

(Fox 25/MyFoxBoston.com) - On Monday at approximately 3:42 p.m., Merrimack Police responded to Mastricola Elementary School. They were called concerning the possibility of an intoxicated female on their campus. Police smelled alcohol coming from Holly Bailey, 37, of Merrimack, and noticed signs of impairment. After investigating, Bailey was arrested for OUIL. Police determined that she was too intoxicated to be driving and were informed that she had driven to the school impaired.

This always drives me insane, like who cares where she was driving to?  She was driving drunk in the middle of the day, isn't that bad enough?  But stories like these always get thrown out there, where they were headed, what they were doing, it doesn't matter people.  It wasn't illegal because she was found at an elementary school (just like the dude above isn't in anymore trouble for passing out drunk at a Chuckee Cheeses) it was illegal because she got loaded and drove around at 3 in the afternoon.  Would be the same amount of illegalness if she was sloshed and headed to pick up her dry cleaning.  

It doesn't say anywhere that she's a teacher, doesn't say she's picking up her kids after school (if she was, she's pretty late at 3:45 in the afternoon).  For all we know she was just hammered as shit, felt a bit nostalgic as we all get when we're loaded, and desided to go down to her old hang out on the elementary school playground.  Maybe she wanted one last try at getting the swing to go all the way around the bar.  Who really knows.  The important thing here is she drove drunk and got busted, and that's really all that matters here.

Australian Man Dies During Planking Prank...I think Prank is a bit of a Stretch

Hey girls, homeless men piss there.

 Daily Mail - An Australian man has plunged to his death after taking part in a new internet craze known as 'planking'. Acton Beale, 20, fell from the balcony of a block of flats in Brisbane, Queensland, after he tried to 'plank' on some railings.This is thought to be the first time someone has actually died from the growing craze in which people lie face down in an unusual place before taking pictures and uploading them onto the internet.  Deputy Police Commissioner Ross Barnett confirmed reports that he 'may have fallen while attempting a planking episode'. Officers were told by witnesses that Mr Beale had been preparing to lie on a balcony rail when he fell to his death. 'He has tragically lost his footing and fallen to the ground below,' said Mr Barnett. The incident, in Brisbane, Australia, follows the arrest of a 20-year-old man who was found planking on the roof of a police car, also in Queensland.

I'm confused, is the Tee in his...I'd rather not know.

So this is a thing now in Australia? Planking? Isn't calling it a "prank" a bit of a stretch, looks to me like its just people lying down and taking pictures.  "Watch out for those wild and fucking crazy Australians, they'll do anything!" 

Jesus guys. I used to look up to your culture, even ranked you as my  number one place to live should I get kicked out of this country. Now I find out that your idea of a zany prank is lying on the ground and having a friend take a picture of you? That's lame as all hell.  And you guys can't even handle it? Falling off things and dying too?  Damnit, now I have some work to do, have to go find a suitable backup country.  Anyone know what Romania is like this time of year?

I used to do similar things when I was 5 and wanted my parents attention

Even Local Politicians Take Shots at Jay Cutler

Congrats Jay, Today there is one less guy on the internet throwing body blows your way.

Fox News - He seems like a perfectly nice guy, even has a foundation for underprivileged kids and others suffering from diabetes. But as quarterback for Chicago, he’s expecting to get tousled by Green Bay Packers fans, and that's exactly what's happening to QB Jay Cutler, who twice in two days has been caught in the Wisconsin Senate race crossfire.  I want to thank you all for inviting me to speak. It was especially gracious of you to host me, even though I’m a Packers fan and I assume most of you are Bears fans," Ryan began. "But that doesn't mean we can't work together. As chairman of the House Budget Committee, I stand ready to do whatever it takes to help you re-sign Jay Cutler. I'm here to talk about the economy today -- about the need to get four quarters of strong, consistent performance. That wasn't another Jay Cutler joke, I swear. It could be, but it's not," he continued.  "Republicans would be better off with Jay Cutler as their candidate in Wisconsin. Cutler has at least helped the Green Bay Packers win a Super Bowl, while Tommy G. Thompson has spent the last decade doing the bidding of the Bush administration and his special-interest clients at his lobbying firm," Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee spokesman Matt Canter said, referring to the controversy surrounding Cutler's injury during the NFC championship game this year. The Packers defeated the Bears in the game.

Jesus, guy can't catch a frigen break huh?  Football fans everywhere hate him, and now apparently even his hometown politicians are bashing him in session.  This kind of crossover hate appeal has never been seen before. Granted its not the kind of popularity you'd ideally want, but its crazy all the same.  

I mean the poor guy legit can't vote in a state election without getting hassled.  And this is from people who spent the last decade rooting for the likes of Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, and then Rex Grossman again.  Those guys sucked. I mean really, really sucked. Yet people still hate Cutler more.

I've never been a Cutler fan, always seemed like a bit too much of a whiny bitch to me, "oh come on guys give me a break, I have diabetes, etc..." but enough is enough.  There is only so much a guy can take before he snaps.  So today is a banner day for the Tab (yea I say that a lot, we have a lot of banner days that never get followed up on), as we're adopting Jay Cutler as the official player of The Alt-Tab.  

I bitch, whine, complain and act like an asshole just about every day on here, it makes sense to have an official player who seems to have kindred spirit and embodies these same traits.  Congrats Jay, I'm sure you're thrilled.  

By the way, if anyone knows Jay's Twitter handle, be sure to pass on the message.

Kim Jong Il is Gangsta, North Korea Stepping Up Their Heroin Production

Fox News - Pinched by tightening economic sanctions and faced with what might become a contentious transition of power, North Korea is ramping up production of one of its key foreign currency generators -- heroin.  When satellite photos were released last week by Amnesty International showing the rogue nation’s prison camp system, some analysts were surprised by the expansion of agricultural lands around the camps.  “What was really surprising,” one satellite analyst, who studied the images but asked not to be identified, said, “was how farming acreage on the land around the Yodok camp had expanded. These are poppy fields and have been since we first looked at the camp in 2001.”  That assessment was underscored by Chuck Downs, executive director of the Committee for Human Rights in North Korea, who said that the regime's military, which runs the camps and the nation’s illicit heroin production, “do not allow food production by prisoners because they would steal it. They would rather grow drugs.” Downs said that the increase is the result of the bite of trade sanctions that are beginning to devastate the nation's economy and the need to quickly replace the hard currency lost to sanctions. Of particular importance to the regime was the sale of missiles and arms abroad, which accounted for a large proportion of foreign income, but the 2006 trade embargo has vastly curtailed those sales.

Kim Jong Il is gangsta as a motha.  I had no idea this was who we were dealing with.  "Oh you'll slap sanctions on me so I can't sell guns and missiles and shit? No big deal, I'll just have my farmers grow more heroin and have my foreign diplomats slang that shit from their embassy's. Diplomatic Immunity!"

At least that's what I figure he said. Make no mistake, this guy is probably the most successful oppressive dictator in the last 50-60 years.  Here's a country who's main export for the last 20 years has been guns and drugs, that won't let its citizens grow food on their farms in fear that they're so hungry they'll just steal and eat it, and yet there is no revolt, no uprising to speak of like we're seeing in Northern Africa and the Middle East.  

It's unbelievable.  This guy would have been the best slave driver in American history if he lived during that time.  The Il's would have been as rich as the Carnegies and the Rockefellers.

Denver Strip Club Invites 13 Year Old to Celebrate Osama's Death With Free Beer and Titties

DENVER - Matt Warta calls it "inappropriate." He says his 13-year-old son received a text message advertising the Diamond Cabaret strip club. The text message looks like it was sent to a long list of cell phone numbers and is inviting military personnel to stop by the strip club for free cover and free drinks. "I just finished my lacrosse practice and I looked at my phone," Jack Warta, 13, said. "It asked me if I wanted to come and celebrate Osama bin Laden's death with free cover and free drafts. It was kind of confusing." Warta showed the text to his dad, who says he was "shocked." "You'd like to think you can protect your child from those kind of things," Matt Warta said. "As a parent, that's really frustrating." "There's enough stuff out there that pollutes their minds," Matt Warta said. "That's the last thing we want to do is use a personal device like a cell phone to send those messages to them." "Why would you send a 13-year-old a text message asking them to come to a strip club and give them free beer and alcohol?" Jack asked. "It's just wrong."

Let me ask you this, Dad, Why not? Huh? Just a chance to celebrate a piece of American history. Free booze, tits, and Osama bin Laden's death.  I've honestly never heard of anything more patriotic.  This should be a standard 4th of July celebration.

Also, hey kid, you're never going to get ahead in life, so good luck with that.  Showing your dad text messages from the strip joint? Mr. Popularity in school I'm sure.  You're 13, you're supposed to show that shit to your friends and brag about how cool you are and how you almost got in.  Not show it to your parents.  Your Dad probably had a good laugh at your expense with his buddies when he went down to the strip club to "speak with someone" and ended up ripping shots and taking lap dances from some of the patriotic ladies of the Diamond Cabaret.  

And finally, I think everyone needs to keep in mind this is the 21st century, this kid getting a text message from a strip club is nothing.  If you're outraged by that you'd better not peek on his e-mails spam box.  Just offers for porn and male enhancement drugs as far as the eyes can see.  Kid could probably pull up a live feed of the Osama bin Laden's Dead/American Titties celebration on his computer if he wanted to.  

Love how the reporter clearly go the same message on his cell phone.