News Weather Team Trolled by Bart Simpson

Congrats Indeed

Wii Curling News Reporters, Oblivious or in on It?

"Here it comes, Here it Comes!"

I don't know how old this is, if everyone but me saw it, but I can't stop laughing at this guy. I think the girl might have been clueless, just uninhibited shadow-jacking, but I got the feeling the guy knew how perverse this would look and went along with it anyway, and that cracks me up to no end.

The Self Titled "Cheapest Man In America" Has A Wife

Is there no ends to what women will settle for? Like, if you ever hear some guy telling a sob story about not being able to meet someone, just know that the guy either A) Isn't trying, or B) Is doing something horribly, horribly wrong. 

Look at this lady. Your husband is bleeding out ketchup packets and toothpaste instead of applying for jobs...He's asking for table scraps at restaurants while you're out on dates...I'm sometimes embarrassed when the waitress catches me grabbing a fry off my fiancee's plate, this guy's asking if he can pick the left over meat off of some strangers ribs. And all through this the woman's right there? Damn. 

To his credit he's absolutely right about having piddling job in a cube being more stressful than living ketchup packet to ketchup packet. He's got me there. But at the same time I'm not at home working on ways to separate my two-ply toilet paper into one ply...

The Scream Sells for $120 Million, I Draw A Better Version in 120 Seconds

NEW YORK – One of the art world's most recognizable images -- Edvard Munch's "The Scream" -- sold Wednesday for a record $119,922,500 at auction in New York City. The 1895 artwork -- a modern symbol of human anxiety -- was sold at Sotheby's. The price includes the buyer's premium. The image of a man holding his head and screaming under a streaked, blood-red sky is one of four versions by the Norwegian expressionist painter. The auctioned piece at Sotheby's is the only one left in private hands. The previous record for an artwork sold at auction was $106.5 million for Picasso's "Nude, Green Leaves, and Bust," sold by Christie's in 2010. The image has become part of pop culture, "used by everyone from Warhol to Hollywood to cartoons to teacups and T-shirts," said Michael Frahm of the London-based art advisory service firm Frahm Ltd. "Together with the Mona Lisa, it's the most famous and recognized image in art history," he added. 

One Hundred Twenty Millions Freakin' Dollars, people. And the headline of the link I'd clicked said "is it worth it?"....In a word, NO!

Tremendously famous painting, and the article is right, along with the Mona Lisa, the Last Supper, and Whistlers Mother, it's one of four paintings that non-art history majors will recognize. So yea, I guess its a conversation piece, now it all depends on how much you value that conversation. I'm not sure reverential conversations in hushed tones over Roast Duck Dinner Parties with Bourgeois friends is worth that much. Nor do I think you're going to impress and floozies you wrangled back to your apartment with this thing, you've already got them back to your apartment, at that point its overkill.

Basically, you got ripped off. At no point in time beyond the very first hours after you've hung that on your rich mahogany wall are you ever going to feel anything but remorse for buying this thing. Sentenced to a life of shaking your head and muttering about all the other really cool shit you could have used $120 million on. 

PS: I'll sell you this masterpiece for a fraction of the price:

 2 Minutes on MS Paint. Folks, I can be commissioned. 

FEMA's Using The Waffle House as a Natural Disaster Barometer is the Craziest Thing You'll Hear Today

Fox News - Waffle House serves hungry customers bacon, eggs and hash browns, but when disaster strikes, the iconic chain serves up valuable intel to the government. The Federal Emergency Management Agency has developed an unofficial, color-coded "Waffle House Index" to help make assessments before sending response teams to areas hit by such natural disasters as tornadoes, floods or hurricanes. After a disaster, officials call a restaurant in the affected area, and ask what's on the menu. If the restaurant is serving everything, it means there is water and electricity and that the index is green. If the menu has been scaled back, the index is yellow, which means there's water but no power. In the rare event a Waffle House is completely shut down, the index is red and that usually means there's big trouble. “I guess our reputation has been that if we’re able to get back open, things might be bad, but they’re not horrible," said Walt Ehmer, chief operating officer of the 1,600-store chain. "But, if we don’t happen to be able to be doing business, then that must be a sign that the community is in really bad shape. 

FEMA, are you frigen kidding me with this? The Waffle House Index? Get the fuck out. You're a government agency, you have to have better resources than this...

You know how I know the severity of a natural disaster? I turn on the fucking news! It's right there. Meanwhile we got FEMA acting like modern cable television doesn't exist calling up Waffle Houses and attempting to order up short stacks. This is mind blowing. 

Not to mention that...it's the Waffle House! I'm pretty sure every weekend night there could be classified as a disaster area...Late night at a Waffle House is pretty much like downtown Baghdad if the internet is any indicator...pretty sure something like 67% of all World Star videos start in a Waffle House. Comedians have gotten rich on entire skits based around the gross, wild, and weird shit that goes down at the Waffle House after midnight. I'm not sure the government could have picked a more distressed target if they tried.

PS: This has to burn the folks at IHOP right up. They've got to be kicking themselves on this one.

Canada Keeps Busy Complaining About Humming Noise Coming from America

WINDSOR, Ontario – Last month, Bob Dechert, a senior aide to Canada's foreign minister, was dispatched to Detroit with an important diplomatic mission: to stop a highly-annoying noise. The so-called Windsor hum, described as a low-frequency rumbling sound, has rattled windows and knocked objects off shelves in this border community just across the Detroit River from the Motor City. Locals have said it sounds like a large diesel truck idling, a loud boom box or the bass vocals of Barry White...Even weirder, Americans cannot seem to hear it. Canadians find that suspicious -- especially since their research suggests the hum is coming from the Yankees' side -- and accuse US officials of staying silent over the noise. "The government of Canada takes this issue seriously," Dechert said after his recent fact-finding trip, which included a visit to a heavily-industrialized area on the American side of the river that some Canadian scientists believe is to blame for the hum.

I don't think you could come up with a better quote to accurately describe Canadian Government than this:

"The government of Canada takes this issue seriously," Dechert said after his recent fact-finding trip, which included a visit to a heavily-industrialized area on the American side of the river that some Canadian scientists believe is to blame for the hum.

 And that right there, is why no one can take Canada seriously. 

I sincerely hope the Mayor, or whatever warlord/strongman is controlling war-torn Detroit these days, tells the Cannucks to go pound sand. Hey Canada, you don't like your neighborhood? Move. No one's forcing you to stay. 

If you can't put up with a little bit of humming that apparently may or may not sound like Barry White (which sounds delightful, FYI), move. Go try out Europe. See how you like the Greeks, Spanish,  Portuguese, Italians, the entire Easern Bloc, and occassionally the Irish asking you for free cash advances all the time.  Better yet, give Africa a shot. I'm sure your Mounted Police and their lack of guns will turn a continent of wild militias right around. Ad try South America, while you're at it. You think a soothing hum is an annoyance? Try and deal with loud speaking latino's everywhere you look. 

Or stop complaining and go back to being normal, quiet, pushover Canadians. What, you think because your quarter is worth a couple more decimal points than ours that you can all of a sudden start calling the shots in this relationship? For sure not.