It's Happening...

Fucking Myans, It's All Coming True

God damnit, God damnit, God damnit. A couple weeks ago I wrote about how after watching the Celts give it their all against the Heat, battling all season long, to come up just short, oddly didn't turn me into a hermit,  hiding in my shell to avoid all sports information...I wondered why that didn't happen despite the fact that it's happened every other time in history one of my teams loses...Well it was a bit of a delayed reaction because it's here now.

I want nothing to do with Sportscenter, I want to put a contract out on Stephen A Smith using that donation site the old bitch who got picked on the bus is getting filthy rich off of to raise the funds, and I hope Miami succumbs to an epic tidal wave and we all just forget about this moment in history.

It's the worst sporting day since the Pats lost the super bowl. The worst.

PS: Bosh 100% cries himself to sleep at night every time he sees Lebron and Wade riding that two seater golf cart together.

Double PS: The Douchiest team in memory would use the Douchiest musical act in memory:

Isiah Thomas Comments On the Dream Team Documentary

Isiah's middle name would be "Lord." That explains so, so much about him. And I was going to go ahead and react to this in my usual, thee paragraph style, but after browsing the comments below this post I found the perfect four words (also there are some gems if you feel like wasting time):

Sugar coated as fuck indeed.

This Guy Badly Needs a New Twitter Handle

Absolute glutton for punishment. 

You've gotta be a serious sadomasichist or have some serious thick skin to rock that Twitter handle. And honestly, they guy doesn't look like either, so I'm assuming he's foreign.

Probably has no idea why his @ mentions are blowing up daily with some serious hate tweets:

KG Destroys the Hawks, Kicks The Owners Dick In During Presser

In the words of Marc Jackson: "Mama, There Goes That Man."

Honestly, I never knew quite what the hell Marc was talking about when he said that, until last night, because after KG's ridiculous (nay, RIDICULOUS) performance, and then just absolutely eviscerating the Hawks owner,  well there's really not much else that can describe it.

Remember that old knock on KG, back when he came over from Minny? That he couldn't be the man when the team needed a win, he was too deferential, and a slew of other cliches? While I'm pretty sure those were dismissed a few years go, just in case there was any lingering doubt, KG just went out there and put up on a vintage performance. Actually, vintage doesn't really do it justice, it implies that he's had games of that magnitude before, and I don't think that's the case. 28 Points, 14 Rebs, 5 Blocks!, 3 Steals...just an all around masterpiece, all in a close out game.  

 I'm not saying through out his career he hasn't had games like that, hell he had seasons where he averaged close to those numbers, but to throw that out there in a close out game, where you're getting nothing from Ray Allen, where Paul Pierce is valiantly battling but clearly doesn't have it, where the team absolutely crumbled whenever you left the floor...That's special. Even with a championship in the bag and the fact that this was just a first round game, that's still special. 

And another thing, we're all wondering about what will happen with Ray and KG next year, and who really knows what will end up happening. But I'll tell you this, KG's old man game won't quit. He's got skills on top of skills, as they say. That shake and bake turn around? I'm pretty sure he'll be able to get that shot off until the day he dies. That 18 footer? Butter. Those occasional glimpses of his young kid hops, when he skies for a lob or comes out of no where for a block? Still there despite several knee issues. And that sheer tenacity on defense...not his usual spectacular defense, but those minutes at a time where he really digs in and decides he's going to defend whoever has the ball, regardless of position...Body'ing centers, bullying undersized forwards, limbs dangling and draping all over point guards, those are some of my favorite moments to watch. I don't think its a ridiculous argument to say KG is the defender of his generation, and even if his game slips a little in the next couple years, he'll still be at an elite level compared to most NBA big men. 

What I'm saying is, I'd probably pay him. A couple years, convince him to go a little short on the money and retire a Celtic, they'll need to retool, but if he takes a discount they'll have the cash to do it and the roster to take a couple more runs. 

But for now, lets enjoy this one...Bring on the Sixers.

Jeff Van Gundy Hates Flopping More Than Even Me

Preach Gundy! Preach! This has bothered me for years. I hate flopping, I hate it so much, that as a life long Celtics fan, I've still never completely warmed up to Paul Pierce...because of the flopping. Hell, I went out of my way to write an opus to Antoine Walker and supplied probably half a dozen reasons why I loved him more than Pierce, and that guy was a loser...but he didn't flop. I've accepted Pierce, the guy helped bring us a championship, and he does seem to truly care about being a Celtic, but I'll never love his style of play when his go-to move is a pump-fake flop at the foul line.

The Gundy nailed it here, absolutely nailed it. If the office actually cared about cleaning up flopping they'd have some kind of punishment in place. You don't want it to be a judgement call from the ref? That's fine. Make all game tape reviewable after the game and fine players for obvious flops that drew incorrect calls from the refs...$5k for your first five offenses (it's low but if you've only flopped 5 times in a season, you're probably not a serial flopper), 15k for your next 5, 25k from there on out. That'll turn around this trend real fast. 

But the league doesn't, because it doesn't care. I might not go as far to say they're encouraging it, I don't think that's the case, but I do think they've turned a blind eye towards the problem, and it's about time someone called the league out on it.

50 Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Watching the 2011-2012 Celtics (As Well as a Piece Defending Danny Ainge)

I make that face alot when watching the Celtics play these days




Well, the day of reckoning has finally arrived for the guys in green and white. The proverbial “ three year window” that Danny Ainge said he could keep open at the beginning of the Big Three Era is, in my humble opinion, finally coming to a close. Now, despite the increasing popularity of second guessing/excoriating Danny Ainge as our GM, people should realize we got 4 years of strongly competing for a title when the Celtics, when back in 2003, were stuck in Salary Cap/Basketball HELL due to the impossible mess that dumbass…I mean former GM Chris Wallace left. Ainge got rid of Antoine Walker, an overpaid inefficient volume scorer, Mark Blount who possessed a personality so toxic reporters needed haz mat suits to even speak to him, and jettisoning Raef Lafrentz when it was apparent he was beyond worthless.

As far as I am concerned, Ainge has only missed on 2 significant draft picks in his time as GM, using a first round pick on Gerald Green and J.R Giddens. Green was somewhat defensible at the time, as taking high school kids was becoming more trendy and their #1 target, Danny Granger, had just come off the boards. Additionally, despite David Lee being picked 30th overall, there was no one else of significance in that draft. The Giddens pick hurt a good deal, because Mario Chalmers (hero of the Kansas Jayhawks title run that year) was available to shore up the revolving door we have had at back up point guard as well as DeAndre Jordan, which every fan of college basketball or the Celtics believed we were going to take to complement Kendrick Perkins.

Despite these two screw ups, Ainge at least has the balls to make things happen for this team. He’s not afraid to spend money or trade players for the right deal. Wallace, Pitino, and M.L Carr were HORRENDOUS at drafting, free agency, or making sensible trades. Hell, Wallace was LUCKY Pierce fell to the Celtics at the 10th pick in the 98 draft, because if he wasn’t there, word is we would have drafted *Keith Van (false: as CW pointed out to me, Van Horn was drafted a year prior to Pierce. From what I remember, Michael Doleac was who the C's were going to take if they didn't get Pierce. I could be making that up as well, whatever. Point is 90's front office didn't do much right.) I shudder to think of what would have happened if we didn’t dodge that bullet.
The point of the matter is this: Every GM in the NBA makes great moves and horrible ones, that’s the nature of dealing with professional sports. Some make nothing but terrible moves (Otis Smith for example) while others seemingly can’t miss (Sam Presti recently) But over time, every GM gets hot and cold, much as players do. Mitch Kupchak, apparently a genius for drafting Bynum and trade raping the idiotic Grizzlies for Pau Gasol, now has Metta World Peace, Steve Blake, and Luke Walton tying up $15 million in cap space, completely handicapping the Lakers at the tradeline. So whatever failings Danny may have had (The Kendrick Perkins trade sticks out like a sore thumb,) he’s also the man that turned a bottom 5 team into a champion in one season and that, I’ll forever be grateful to him.

Now to the fun part of the piece. Despite the fact I still watch every game of the Celtics season, it’s coming to feel like watching the Titanic right after the ship has smashed into the iceberg: a slow, tortuous sink to the bottom. Here are 50 things I’d rather do that would probably be less painful

1. Get a colonoscopy from Edward Scissor Hands
2. Watch an episode of Chloe and Kim take New York
3. Try to out eat Takeru Kobayashi
4. Lick a heated waffle iron
5. Watch the Fourth Kind again (I can’t stress how much this movie sucks)
6. Smash my face into a windshield so I can FINALLY call 1-800-54GIANT
7. Get into a fight with Bruce Banner
8. Play Chess against Spock
9. Listen to any of the nonsensical garbage spewing from the sound holes of the dumb broads on “The View”
10. Play “Guitar Hero: Avril Lavigne Edition”
11. Go to a modern art museum
12. Be the donkey in a “Pin the tail on the Donkey” Competition
13. Read anything written by Frederick Nietzsche
14. Go skinny dipping in the Atlantic Ocean right now.
15. Discuss politics with Michael Moore
16. Play a game of dodgeball with wrenches instead of balls
17. Wax all the hair off of my body
18. Have a private work out session with Richard Simmons
19. Talk religion with Rick Santorum
20. Work as Chucky Cheese as a child’s birthday party
21. Be a window washer for the Empire State building
22. Sled down Mount Everest
23. Eat anything on the menu at America’s source of E-coli, Denny’s
24. Hold in my puke from #23
25. Be a security guard at a heavy metal concert
26. Try to convince people Tom Cruise isn’t secretly gay
27. Get in a sword fight with Aragorn, son of Arathorn
28. Listen nothing to but Rihanna, Katy Perry, and Pitbull (god that would suck)
29. Get in a jello wrestling match with Hillary Clinton
30. Ride to the west coast on a plastic big wheel
31. Take a dump in a hot girls house and clog the toilet (ala Harry in Dumb and Dumber)
32. Survive on a diet of hot pockets, egg nog, and hungry man tv dinners
33. Wear a Lebron James Heat Jersey in downtown Cleveland
34. Pick up a chick at a Wal Mart
35. Do the laundry at a retirement home
36. Watch any member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour do standup
37. Write a dissertation defending the merits of “The Jersey Shore” and its social effect on modern day society
38. Challenge an Irishman to a drinking contest
39. Try to do more coke than Charlie Sheen
40. Only watch The Phantom Menace and The Clone Wars
41. Drive a mini-van as my primary method of transportation
42. Try to ride a REAL bull…in the wild
43. Listen to the story of how I was created
44. Use dial-up internet connection speed for a week
45. Fit John Goodman for assless leather chaps
46. Get some sort of piercing, not on the wiener though.
47. Try to argue that bowling is a sport
48. Attend a WNBA game wearing a team’s respective apparel
49. Eat a bag of puke flavored jelly beans only
50. Meet Ron Burgundy (This one is actually awesome, I want to do this very much)

Lebron's Ongoing Intentional Comedy

I know you don't get it Lebron, but you screwed up again.


Lebron is at again. The player who continuously waffles between being a villain and a cherished superstar with a unique skillset never before seen in this league, cannot prevent his mouth from continuing to make him look like a complete jackass. I’ll openly admit, I do not like LeBron. From his public comments that express an almost incomprehensible lack of self awareness, like his initial bafflement as to why people didn’t like “The Descision”, to his outright dismissive arrogance, like mocking Dirk Nowitzski’s flu during the NBA Finals last summer. That being said, I am often in awe of what the man can do on a basketball court. He is a freak specimen that has begun to work on his deficient low post game to become a more complete player.

Yet it is his insecurity as a player, his overwhelming desire to somehow get everyone to love him, that is his biggest hurdle to becoming a complete player.

Just yesterday, LeBron told reporters, “You can’t predict the future…If I decide to come back, hopefully the fans will accept me.” Earth to LeBron: You proverbially cock teased about 4 major franchises 2 years ago in the most ridiculous off season ever, left tantalizingly vague suggestions you were considering a potential move, and left your hometown franchise in one of the biggest media debacles and PR/image assassinations ever seen. I may not be able to predict the future, but I have an inkling you won’t exactly be welcomed back with open arms. Dan Gilbert (who’s an immature, whiny shitstain in his own right) has publicly excoriated Lebron numerous times since his departure, fans were publicly burning his jersey in the streets, and is soundly boo’ed every time he touches the ball. Is LeBron really so oblivious that he can’t realize he napalmed his bridges in Cleveland by shattering a collective fan bases heart?

Now, would most Cleveland fans welcome him back if this were a sincere suggestion? Probably. Maybe it would be begrudgingly, resentfully, and hesitantanly, but you don’t pass on one of the most talented players in the league. But the fact this statement was made, in my opinion, with ZERO intention of returning to the Cavaliers in a desperate attempt at garnering affection comes off as ridiculously patronizing.
LeBron is developing a damaging habit of promising the world to a fanbase, then coming up short when it matters most. In numerous interviews during his time as a Cavalier, he firmly promised his ultimate goal was to bring a championship to Cleveland. Although he didn’t always have the best supporting cast, he had more pull in personnel decisions than any other player, hell, most front office guys have in the league. As we know, that never happened. During his absurdly self promoting “Pre-Season Pyrotechnic Parade” He guaranteed something like 6 or 7 titles.

While he is only in his second year and having the most efficient NBA season of all time (shit that’s kind of amazing, when you consider it), it’s almost like he learned nothing from the fall out after “The Descision.”

As a free agent, it was absolutely within his rights to offer his services to another team. It’s the manner in which he publicly handles his NBA career that rubs a great deal of people the wrong way. If I were a Heat fan (a real fan, not these bandwagon assholes who jumped on when 3 of the best players in the league were acquired through collusion…uh, I mean “trades.”) I’d be pretty pissed LeBron is openly pining for his scorned fanbases affection. It’s this overwhelming desire to be cherished for the talent he is that I think well prevent LeBron from ever realizing his true potential, like Kobe has done over the course of his career.

Kobe, despite his caustic attitude towards his team mates and his haughty dismissal of questions he doesn’t like, has never wavered from the player he is: A cold blooded villain who thrives, hell maybe even ENJOYS, in the face of the collective hate of fanbases outside of L.A. Kobe has proven, even with Shaq, that he has that killer instinct that allows him to completely take over a game, even if it comes at the expense of his team mates happiness or fan’s approval. At the end of the day, Kobe is a winner. LeBron may get there someday, but until he stops his incessant cries for love and focuses on what he is paid to do (play basketball) I doubt he will ever achieve what he is capable of.

Dear NBA Officials: Please Do Your Job Better

The Devil of All Officials



A Letter to NBA Officials: Please do your Jobs Better
(I'm going to break this down in two mindsets: One mildly polite rational letter that expresses my dissatisfaction with the current standards of officiating, one a normal person who doesn't personally invest himself within the outcome of every single game. Then I will translate this message into my language, which is English that has been massacred into immense levels of profanity and slang. Enjoy)

Dear NBA Officials

It has recently come to my attention, after viewing multiple games of NBA basketball in the 2011-2012 season, that it there are significant issues that need to be addressed. Despite an ultimatum given prior to last season that travelling would be addressed, many players seem to get anywhere from 3-5 steps without dribbling the basketball without a violation being called, even though the rule book explicitly states 2 steps are the maximum allowed. I also find it rather discouraging that certain players seem to garner preferential treatmeant on a consistent basis. It should not matter if the player is a superstar or a bench warmer, consistency in foul calls would be a welcome addition to your officiating repertoire.

I know there has been a great deal of confusion for a number of years concerning what constitutes a block/charge call. I understand this is actually one of the more difficult calls to make in the game, but all we as fans as for is consistency. If you are going to let players slide in under an airborne player and have it be a charge, so be it. Just ensure that is the same call you will make during a pivotal moment in the fourth quarter rather than flip flopping like a politician. The same policy would be much appreciated with regards to touch fouls/handchecks. If the game is proceeding as a normal game should, why should players be penalized for merely making the slightest of contact with a player? However, do feel welcome to change this policy if the game is becoming particularly rough and tumble.

This would have been particularly helpful back in December of 2002, when the Celtics played the Suns and Amare Stoudemire exerted considerable force against Paul Pierce while Mr. Pierce was airborne. No foul was called on the play, and Paul needed significant dental work done following the game. I do not imply a foul call would have prevented his need for a root cannal, but it would have been appreciated, as well as prevented Tommy Heihnson from almost having a brain aneurysm. Attached is a video documenting this non-call (The section of the clip of interest is 0:36-0:42. You may watch the rest if you wish.) In the future, I hope to see an improved performance because I do enjoy the game of basketball, but the current interpretation of the rules on the part of the officials leaves much to be desired.




Sincerely,
A Rational Person

RANT TIME!!!

Dear Incompetent Fucktards

I waited through months of uncertainty, collective bargaining (edit: the owners holding the players balls to the fire to sign a deal that gives these billionaires EVEN MORE money) and the potential heart break of losing a complete season of my professional favorite sport. It looks like my thought process was idealistic to the point of sheer idiocy to think that, in the face of losing an entire season of work, you might step up your game to ensure the compressed season is enjoyable. Holy fuck, was I wrong. You guys, within minutes of the games on Christmas commencing, made me realize how very much I despise the small modicum of power you have but how flagrantly you abuse it. I'm pretty sure NFL players put the ball on the floor more often than NBA players going to the hoop. Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox guys, seriously? You are going to tell me that Derrick Rose can catch the ball at half court and get to the basket with only one dribble? I don't have the scientific date or any fancy calculations, but my eyes and sense of logics can tell me thats definitely bullshit. These guys get TWO steps (yes they are large steps, but the number they are allowed to take doesn't change.) Counting is a skill most of us fucking master by kindergarten, you should probably utilize it once in a while.

Additionally, this "Superstar" treatment horse shit needs to cease and desist immediately. I do not give two fucks if Kevin Durant or Darko Milicic is going to the hoop. If there is enough contact, call a fucking foul. If there isn't, let them play on. I am sick and tired of watching superstars glide through the lane, have a player brush their elbow on the way by while said superstar misses the shot, only to be bailed out by a "oh wait, shit, this guy is important, lets get him to the line." I know David Stern needs as much positive mojo these days as possible given the utter fuck up of the Chris Paul deal, but angering numerous fan bases due to "special treatment" doesn't seem like the optimal way to go about it. Hell, I'll be the first to admit, refs are starting to give these calls to Rajon Rondo due to his falling down or flailing his head back whenever he gets touched. It pisses me off because calling fouls for these acting jobs only reinforces players tendency to repeat this fucking obnoxious behavior. Nut the hell up, and make calls consistent based on what's happening in the game, not what the name on the back of the jersey happens to be.

You know what guys? I'll even throw you a partial bone here, even though you have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. If you are going to suck miserably at your profession without repurcussion, at least BE CONSISTENT. For the love of christ, nothing is more fucking frustrating than letting guys handcheck and bump each other for 3 quarters, 11 minutes and 40 seconds, only to suddenly decide that Darren Collison lightly resting his palm on Deron Willams's wrist deserves a crucial foul call. The same goes with block/charge calls. If you are going to let these guys barrel down the lane like an NFL gunner trying to take off someones head and crucify the defensive player, DO IT EVERYTIME. It's bullshit, but at least it would be bullshit going each way. It's the same as a baseball umpire having a wide or a tight strike zone. If you are calling the outside strike from inning 1 to inning 9, then the onus is on the players to adjust to the way the game is being called, since the playing field is even. But when a strike 2 inches off the plate becomes a ball in the 8th inning with 2 outs and the bases loaded, thats when people get justifiably pissed off.

Lastly, I have a special section devotely solely to spewing a venemous castigation of the SINGLE worst official in any of the major four sports in the country: Joey motherfucking Crawford. Not only does this guy consistently make awful calls at crucial moments (See: Christmas Day, when Marquis Daniels had a beautiful steal when he poked the ball away from Carmelo Anthony down the stretch, but Crawford, since he was cattering to Anthony all fucking game anyway, gave him a foul call because Anthony tripped to appear as if his arm was hit. Simply horrendous) but the man remains to this day resolutely and steadfastly unaccountable for anything he calls. A player cannot so much as ask, "What did i do?" without the angry sweaty bald bastard slapping the player with a technical before he can finish his sentence. It wouldn't matter if the Dalai Lama himself politely asked Crawford the time of day, Joey would justify his callous demeanor and absurd interpretation of basketball rules in same insanely batshit manner: Roar threats and/or feign the loss of your sense of hearing until all dissent has been stifled. Crawford is an asshole, an awful official, and the owner of perhaps the worst call in basketball history, which says alot given that the rest of the fuckwads parading as officials are only slightly less terrible than Crawford. See visual evidence below



Signed
Every Single Basketball Fan

Chris Paul Traded to the Lak….Wait, NBA Blocks Trade Under New “David Stern Can do Whatever the Fuck he Wants” Clause

Believe me CP3, I don't get it either.

Never fear Alt Tabbers, even without our valiant leader CW's sarcastic take on the daily news on this Friday, I am here to provide at least some distraction from your day in the form of another sports rant, my specialty. Yesterday night, ESPN Breaking news ticker at the bottom of the screen (“breaking news” in ESPN speak usually just means a relevant news tidbit that isn’t about the Heat/ Undefeated Packers/ Brett Favre) sent shockwaves through the entire league, with Chris Paul involved a three team deal sending him to the Celtics arch nemesis, the Lakers, with the writing on the wall pretty evident for additional moves to be made to bring in Dwight Howard. The players involved were either very good or solid and from my perspective, seemed like a reasonable deal for each team with an appropriate degree of positives and negatives. Paul goes to the Lakers to pair his superios point guard abilities with the last of what’s in the tank for Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol goes to the Rockets as essentially Yao Ming’s replacement on a smaller scale, and New Orleans nets a reasonably good haul of talent in Luis Scola (solid scorer and rebounder), Kevin Martin (lethal scorer when healthy) Lamar Odom (despite my dislike for him on many levels, an immensely versatile power forward) and Goran Dragic (young point guard with ability), especially considering Paul had drastically reduced the Hornets trade leverage by publicly stating he would not sign an extension with the team. Yet each team had a degree of risk as well, with the Lakers losing much of their interior defense and resting their hopes on Andrew “Made of Glass” Bynum staying healthy, the Rockets losing a great role player and depth in Scola, and New Orleans has to bring in solid players at the expense of the face of their franchise. All in all, a reasonable trade, right? Enter David “God Complex” Stern (In case you didn’t notice, I really enjoy giving people fake middle names that accentuate either their positive or (mostly) negative attributes.

Yet almost as soon as this deal was consummated, it was just as quickly annihilated by the NBA for “basketball reasons” What in the hell kind of cop of horse shit excuse is that? But hey, if you don’t have a valid foundation for your actions, vague terminology is the way to go. If anything, I would have thought Stern was giggling like a school girl as Paul was shipped to one of the biggest basketball markets in the country, then snuck into Otis Smith’s house with a revolver pressed to his head and demanded that he ship Howard out West for some type of Andrew Bynum/Steve Blake/Other garbage player that meets the salary requirements for a trade. Instead, Stern pulled a complete (to my utter surprise) 180 on this one, despite the precedent of superstars, after bitching or pining to be moved, being traded for quality players just last season (The Deron Williams/Carmelo Anthony deals both netted the superstars former teams effective talent or potential big players, like Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, and Raymond Felton for the Nuggets and Derrick Favors, Devin Harris and TWO first round picks for the Jazz.)

Stern’s new crusade is apparently to create a more even playing field for all teams in the league and reverse the trend of large market teams dominating year in and year out (because this doesn’t happen in football and baseball…oh wait, it does) due to the formation of “superteams.” In nixing the deal, Stern has apparently sent the absurd message to the ENTIRE LEAGUE that no matter how well you have put together your team, however financially responsible you have been in constructing player contracts, if he does not like a particular transaction, he can arbitrarily rule it null and void. This an egregious policy that rivals current NFL contractual rules that allow agreements to be voided when a franchise decides a player isn’t playing up to their value. Now every single NBA franchise has to walk on eggshells when conducting any trade or signing a player, due to the threat of the Almighty Stern imposing his divine will and nullifying a team’s efforts to improve its ability to compete. I don’t buy his “we need to make the league more fair” argument for a second. Look no further than the SAN ANTONIO SPURS, who drafted well, scouted their players, assembled a roster through smarts and savvy despite not being in a “major” market. Oklahoma City is the current poster child of a small market team also succeeding in the current landscape among the Goliaths of the league. Small market teams, though no graced with the resources of larger markets, shouldn’t need to be catered to be the powers of the league to be competitive. They need to be shrewd, make smart choices, and not destroy themselves with crippling contracts (Example: Atlanta Hawks giving Joe Johnson 120 million dollars over 6 years will just reek of regret in a few years, even if doesn’t already)

This could very well be one of the worst decisions made by a commissioner of a professional sport in recent history. I say that without the slightest trace of sarcasm or hyperbole. Stern has demonstrated, with one single act of all encompassing self interested power, that he considers himself larger than the league he is supposed to be supporting the best interests of. And you know what? It is a damned shame that the league I love has had this immense shadow cast over it due to the overzealous emotional reaction of singularly powerful individual.

Wilson Chandler is like the Chinese Michael Jordan...He's Also Stuck There for Life.

Yahoo - The Chinese Basketball Association is showing no inclination to let unhappy NBA players out of their contracts for the 2011-12 season, and will likely mandate they not receive clearance letters to return to the NBA until the Chinese season ends in March, sources told Yahoo! Sports. Wilson Chandler, Kenyon Martin, J.R. Smith and Aaron Brooks are the four top NBA players under contract in China, and several sources involved in those contract entanglements said escape clauses won’t be allowed with the impending end of the NBA lockout. Team officials have prepared for the possibility some players could try to force their way out of deals, but their contracts give teams the latitude to fine and suspend players without pay. Chinese teams invested heavily when they signed NBA players, also providing hotel suites, personal drivers and chefs to make the players more comfortable. “They can play, get paid [in China] and return to the NBA in March,” one Chinese team official said. “Or they can not get paid, and return to the NBA in March.” “If they think that they’re going to make things difficult, not play, create problems, what’s going to happen is that the teams will not release their letters of clearance they’ll need to sign in the NBA,” a Chinese Basketball Association official told Yahoo! Sports. “There’s no way out.” So far, Chandler – averaging 33 points for the Zhejiang Guangsha Lions – has been the most dominant player in the Chinese Basketball Association. On and off the floor, Chandler has required far less maintenance than his two former Nuggets teammates. Smith has constantly clashed with Zhejiang Chouzhou Golden Bulls officials since arriving in China.

Memo to David Stern: This is how you running a professional basketball league filled with hoodlums. With an iron fucking fist. Quotes like "They can play, get paid and return to the NBA in March, or they can not get paid and return to the NBA in March," and "There's no way out," are exactly what you needed to be throwing around during that lockout. Bullying is the only thing these fellas respond to, and yes you eventually broke their will, but it took like 6 months, I wouldn't exactly pat myself on the back after China figured out to handle 2 of your biggest malcontents (JR, Kenyon) in like 3 weeks of playing time.

And Wilson Chandler, maybe you should just stay in the Land of China...I mean 33 pts a night is nothing to sneeze at, bro, not for nothing, but you half suck over here. Not suck like you have no skill, but on a relative scale in the NBA kind of suck, decent but by no means a star worthy of teams putting you up in hotels, and driving you around in limos for your pick of the Geishas type stuff.  I don't know what the fuck is wrong with ya boy JR, but if I were you guys I'd 100% stay and live like kings.

Free hotels, free drivers, probably rolling in complimentary Peking Duck from adoring fans. You'll never have to pay for living arrangements, transportation, or food again (as long as you like Peking Duck). They'll almost certainly make a bootleg version of SpaceJam starring you (getting Mugsy Bogues might be tough, but I'm sure there's plenty of dark skinned asians around his height over there), and $3 million salary goes a long way over there, you could own half a country side of rice pattys and a small Mongol family to plow it for you. Yea, you guys should definitely stay...

PS: How excited are the citizens of Denver with JR and Kenyon out of the country? There's no way in hell they're being allowed back here, I'm 90% certain the NBA is supplementing their Chinese salary as we speak, just begging Chinese officials not to deport them.

Double PS: Rapid Fire, 3 Really Strange Things About that Picture Above:

1. Kenyon and JR played together on Denver for a number of season, this is the only picture of the two on google images together...not one chest bump photo, primal scream duette photo, 15 step hand shake photo, or photo of the two mugging some innocent person in a downtown Denver mall...mildly shocking, do they not like each other, or prefer not to be photo'd together to throw off Denver Vice cops?

2. I don't know what this man is possibly giving these two individuals an award for, outside of "most offensive looking tattoo's to white people by NBA teammates," so that's what we're going to assume it is.

3. Up until right now, I assumed both Kenyon and JR only owned shirts showing off the aforementioned tattoos. Kenyon, in particular, has never looked more out of place. Someone get my man an XXL cut-off white t-shirt, stat.