President Obama Taking Wildlife Tour in New Jersey

NYMAG - On Sunday, President Obama toured Wayne, New Jersey, to lend his support and sympathy in the aftermath of Hurricane Irene. Here, Obama is shown talking to a Wayne resident, who, hurricane devastation notwithstanding, probably should have at least put on a shirt before having a conversation with the president. 

Something tells me this guys attire has nothing to do with the hurricane, this is just the way he greets everyone.

You think Obama unbuttoned the top button or two to try and fit in? I mean the guy caters to everyone elses preferences all the time, why not go straight up white trash like these two? I see the cuffs rolled but I just don't think that's far enough.  If these guys were Tea Party House members you'd see Obama in a beater with shades on, sipping on a goose and juice, Michelle right next to him, hair in a poof, short skirt hugging her ass. 

Stay classy NJ.

A 3 Part Break Down for Potential Current NBA Jam Teams? Awesome

Any guy who had a childhood worth remembering indulged in the greatness that was NBA Jam.  It was a sports video game with such simplicity; 2 on 2 basketball, no fouls, and dunking in all formats was strongly encouraged.  Picking your duo and mashing your fingers on the controller against your friends for ultimate supremacy is a nostalgic moment that many of us remember fondly.  Since I miss both my childhood and the NBA, I decided to do an interesting spin on both: The creation of NBA Jam: The Next Generation Rosters.  Yeah, I know they did a re-make of the game, but it’s mere existence is an insult to it’s much more exalted 16 bit counterpart, so I pretend like it was never made.  However, there are two important stipulations that make these rosters much more interesting

Stumbled across this beauty of a series yesterday and was thoroughly impressed. Frankly, I'm not sure anyone has ever spent this much time contemplating and entirely fictional sequel to a classic video game, which, coincidentally already has a sequel, only it failed horribly to recapture the magic from its glory days. 

I'm not going to give you the rankings or anything, don't want any spoilers, so check out 30-21, 20-11, and 10-1 if you want to see the entire lists, suffice to say its one of the most complete blog posts I've seen in a while, much more thorough than anything I throw together during my breakfast/blogging brainstorm and final draft 30 mins each morning. This is the kind of blogger I need working here, someone to work on the big picture items while I toil away with my usual posts.

That said, I'm rather disappointed that no where in this 3 part Epic were any bonus players you could unlock mentioned.  I mean that was a huge part to the original NBA Jam. Seems like a pretty drastic oversight for an otherwise fantastic blog.

My top three I'd like to see as hidden bonus players, couple of rules, 1) no current players, 2) You're seeing them in their absolute prime:

1. POTUS Obama - This is pretty obvious, dude has already balled with UNC, makes his Final Four picks on Sportscenter each year, and to be blunt, seems more concerned with perfecting his J than with our nation's economy.

2. Anfernee Hardaway - I just want to see him in his prime, pre-knee blowout, one more time.  This is a selfish pick that presumably no one will agree with, but no player captured pre-puberty CW's imagination more than Penny. Just ahead of his time in every facet of the game, even when it came to Puppet based shoe commercials. I mean come on Lebron, Kobe, guys couldn't even get your own advertising schtick? 

3. Jaleel White - Who? Yea, that's right, Urkel.  Dude was always, and I mean always a part of the celebrity shootout/all-star game when I was growing up.  Biebs' game got shit on my man Urkel back in the day, and I want, nay, need, to see how it translates into video game land...a part of me feels like my youth was robbed not getting to see Urkel throw down on Ronny Seikly, and Detlef Schrempf in 16-bit glory. Even give him his own script after dunks and shit, after catching fire just have him saying "Did I do that?" after every half court three pointer.  I'm going to be honest, I'm getting turned on just thinking about it, probably best to wrap this thing up now.

How Do I Get Sick on Literally the First Day of Fall

Are you freaking kidding me here? September 6th, day after Labor Day and I roll into work with the first cold of the season (and for any smart asses that claim fall starts Sept 21st, you're wrong. I go by the American Holiday schedule, not some calendar based on charting the moon and Mayan rituals, I'm a bit more advanced than that).  I legit rolled into work yesterday, throat so scratchy you'd swear I smoke a pack a day, nose flowing worse than the rivers of Vermont, shoulders and chest all achy.  Its the fucking worst. If there was a way to just straight up boycott the fall I'd be the first to sign that petition. The lady at Target last night must've thought I was either dying of some undiagnosed plague or starting my own meth lab with my assortment of check out items; The standard Nyquil/Dayquil combo, Vitamin C drops, Zicam Tablets, and some Berry-Blast Tums, just because they're good to have around.  Was it overkill? Nope. Not in the least, its the first cold of the Fall, my signal to hoard various medicines Armageddon style and retreat into my bunker.

Anyone that's followed the Tab from it's inception already knows how I feel about the Tab, but since that is probably like 4 people, it might be worth re-posting my "I Hate the Fall" Manifesto from last year:

Sneaks up on me every year before I know it, summer and it's carefree, easy going dress code is replaced by heavy sweaters, jackets pants, and worst of all, Uggs.  And it means winter is right around the corner. 

At least winter is honest though, you know what you're going to get.  Fall is my least favorite season for many reasons, but mainly because its dishonest.  The weather fluctuates from raw and wet to windy and freezing, random sunny warm days that remind you of summer just long enough to get your hopes up before they are dashed away by a freak snow storm.  All the inconsistent weather inevitably leads to the first round of office colds that spready like the plague from cube to cube. These never clear up until the spring.  Just when you're feeling healthy it creeps around the corner and spreads through your portion of the office again like the wave coming back around at a baseball game.

While some of you are quick to point out the beauty of the fall and the changing of the leaves, I counter that the leaves are just dying and you'll soon enough be raking and dropping the bagged leaves off at the dump.  Apple Picking?  Sure it was fun when I was a kid, and is probably still enjoyable if you have kids, but I prefer to do my apple picking at the grocery store now.  Just made a trip last weekend, took pictures of me picking them out and everything just for nostalgias sake. 

Outside of Thanksgiving and football season there are really no redeeming qualitites to this season, and thats why fall sucks.

Dog Saves Grafton Owner From Fire/Barstool Sports Ad-Lib Blog Post

GRAFTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A dog in Grafton turned out to be one woman's best friend. The little guy got kudos for saving his owner from a house fire. The Grafton Patch reports Alison Keen woke up around 7 a.m. Monday when her dog, Chance, would not stop barking. That's when she found smoke pouring out of her basement. She and Chance ran out of the house and she called firefighters before the smoke detectors went off. The fire caused about $25,000 in damage, but Keen tells the Patch that she is just happy both she and Chance got out safely.

Look, I love Barstool, and sweat El Pres, he's at least 4x the blogger I am, but these dogs posts are just about the laziest space filling posts they got. I love dogs  too, not one of those mentally unstable cat people, but its getting to the point where I'm pretty sure Pres is just ad-libbing and filling in the blanks on some kind of "Dogs are awesome" template. Let's take a look at today's story:

See, this is why dogs are the adjective superlative. They got your back 24 hours a day, you aint dying on their watch. You think some derrogatory adjective cat would've done this? Fuck no. Cat would've probably action that would cause greater harm given the circumstances and add "or some shit", while you burned to death. Fucking cats. 

Ok, so what did everyone fill in? Mine looks like this:

See, this is why dogs are the fucking best.  They got your back 24 hours a day, you aint dying on their watch. You think some bitch-ass cat would've done this? Fuck no. Cat would've probably been taking nap next to the gas can and matches, or muffling the fire alarm, or some shit, while you burn to death. Fucking cats.