Man Hires Hitman to Kill 19 Year Old Daughters 33 Year Old Sex Offender Boyfriend, Somehow He's the One Arrested

LA MESA, Calif. -- Police Friday arrested a Spring Valley man for allegedly trying to hire someone to kill the boyfriend of his 19-year-old daughter. Domingos Oliveira, 50, was arrested on suspicion of solicitation for murder at about 9 a.m. after detectives executed a search warrant at his home in the 10000 block of Roadside Place in Spring Valley. Police were contacted by Oliveira's daughter and boyfriend after several reward posters were posted on the Grossmont College campus over the last two weeks. The home-made fliers, allegedly made and distributed by Oliveira, offered $3000 for the boyfriend's body "dead or alive." The poster listed the boyfriend's name, had his photo and said he was a convicted sex offender. The boyfriend is 33 years old and a registered sex offender, according to police. Investigators released a copy of the poster with the boyfriend's personal information obscured.

If you're going to fault the guy, fault him for not going  hi-tech.  Who posts wanted posters on trees and telephone poles these days bro? That's so 1973.  Come on, that's what Facebook, Twitter, and Creepy UnderGround Message Boards are for. 

I mean no one is going to fault you for wanting to have your 19 year old daughters 33 year old sex offender boyfriend killed, that's as natural as the circle of life, though in the old days fathers usually just took care of it themselves without airing their dirty laundry to strangers.  Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't want society knowing that my daughters whoring it up with some diddlers in her dorm after English 101.  This is why I'm praying for sons whenever that day comes.

Also, 3k seems a little low for the "dead" part.  I mean alive, sure that seems like a fair going rate for kidnapping.  But I have to assume most professional hitmen are charging in the range of 10g's for contracts. And you definitely want a professional, nothing worse than some wannabe banger selling you up the river as soon as he even sees a police officer driving through his neighborhood.

E-mail Changing it's Spelling to Email? I Am Not on Board Here.

Boston Globe - Earlier this month, at a national convention of professional copy editors, the Associated Press announced a few changes to its house style. Calcutta would henceforth be Kolkata, cell phone and smart phone had become cellphone and smartphone, and CPR no longer needed the gloss “cardiopulmonary resuscitation.”...But it was the tiniest change on the list that set editors and word-watchers atwitter: The AP decreed that e-mail, after a minor surgical procedure, would emerge as the hyphen-less email.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...So this is real? Like it's official?  I thought I noticed something strange going on over the past few months, various spell checkers have been auto correcting my spelling of e-mail to email, without the hyphen.  It was driving me mad.  Right up until I read this article I thought I was simply losing my mind.  Like this strange ingrained belief that there was a hyphen in e-mail was just a crazy idea, incepted in my mind at some point.  

Turns out nope, wasn't that I'm crazy.  The people who run the internet have apparently been working on this slow switch for a while now, they just didn't feel like telling anyone or letting the rest of us in on the change.  And I'm sure they rather enjoyed themselves with this little practical joke.  I can just see the good old people of Google cackling daily as the search requests for the proper spelling of e-mail/email roll in.  Very funny guys, now can we change this back?

Because I'll tell you what, I'm not on board.  For years I've been very conscious of this little quirk in the English language, to the point that it's now been ingrained in my finger's muscle memory.  Now I've got to re-teach my fingers? Uh-uh, no way.  I'm sticking with the hyphen, even if it means going down with a sinking ship.  I might even go get a high school English teaching job just to keep the hyphen alive, just failing kids who refuse to hyphenate the word.  I'm very bitter about this change, I should have been consulted. 

PS: This totally reminds me of the time Akeem Olajuwon changed his name to Hakeem Olajuwon.  Do you regret that one yet, big fella? One more un-necessary keystroke slowing down your day.

Double PS: My spell checker is so not down with Kolkata, doesn't even know it should suggest Calcutta.  That change is doomed to fail.

So This is What Happens to People With Philosophy Majors?

Ohhhh, this is why all the Philosophy and English majors are hanging out in Starbucks...they're literally not fit for the real world.

Here's a hint toots, these people are successful, busy, businesess people.  They're adults, they're not your whack job professors, or overly  nurturing parents who raised an abject failure.  They're not going to find your loose leaf paper presentation cute just because you presented it on a Macbook.  It's sloppy. 

Here's another hint, stop saying "like," you sound like a goddamn valley girl.

And here's one more free lesson, selling jars of air isn't a "big idea." It's a scam.  And what the hell is the 500k for? You could bottle up some smog from LA and tell me it's air from Australia. I won't know the difference.  

Why don't you put some shoes on, un-decorate your Christmas tree of a face, get a pants-suit and join the real world.  I know it goes against everything you've ever believed in, but the mere fact that you're at the conference, begging for capital funding means you've made one fundamental realization for the first time in your life, you need money to do things, "like" live, and "like" breathe,  "like" afford a $12 a day mochiatto budget, and "like" if you ever want to "like" travel to Paris to bottle up that air you'll need money for that too.  Happy thoughts and good Karma don't buy plane tickets, I'm glad you've finally realized that. 

So for your next step why don't you go to Kinkos and put together a half decent resume. That would "like" be awesome.

PS: No one gives a fuck about your theories on air.  4th graders know what air is made up of, and it sure as shit isn't 6% energy, but thank you for the laugh. 

If Your March Madness Bracket isn't Destroyed by now, You're Probably a Chick.

Yep, we've reached that special time during every March Madness, CW's bracket is completely screwed, 90% of everyone in your pools are out of it, and CW starts railing against how chicks and dudes who know nothing about basketball win the damn pool every goddamn year, and why brake tradition this year?

I'm sorry but if the shoe has ever fit, it's this year.  No 1 or 2 seeds in the Final 4, Butler and VCU hosting their own little mid-major championship title bout on the right side of the bracket. UConn and Kentucky, two teams that were largely after thoughts until they stormed through their conference tourneys a few weeks ago, rewinding the clock 10 years and pretending like its the late 90's early 00's all over again. Just pure madness.  And anyone that saw it coming is lying. 

On the plus side I feel totally vindicated for my post a few weeks ago railing against all the prognosticators for sticking with chalk all throughout their brackets.  I'm pretty sure their picks look even worse than mine at this point...especially you Mr. Obama, how'd all four #1's work out for you? Amateur.  And yea, I refuse to address him Mr. President after this debacle, I don't just toss that title around to just anyone, you've got to earn it, and tossing up an 0-fer on your Final Four picks ain't earning you shit...I guarantee somewhere Kim Jong Il is sitting on a perfect bracket though.  Probably read about it on his website later this month.

Bronx Zoo Loses Poisonous Cobra, Don't Worry, They're Confident They Know Where It Is...

Just roaming the streets of NY, no big deal.

Fox News - Officials have closed the Reptile House at New York's Bronx Zoo after a poisonous Egyptian cobra disappeared from an enclosure that's separate from the animal exhibits. Zoo officials say the building was immediately closed and secured after staff learned that the adolescent snake was missing Friday afternoon. The zoo released a statement Saturday saying it's confident the 20-inch-long snake is in an area of the building that's not accessible to the public. Snakes usually seek closed-in spaces and aren't comfortable in open areas. Officials say they are informing the public out of an "abundance of caution and will continue to take whatever steps necessary to ensure public safety."

 I take zero confidence in your reassurance that the snake is just chilling in an area not accessible to the public. Zero. Maybe it's just me but if they were so sure, wouldn't they leave the zoo open for business.  I mean what's the harm if this serpent is just hanging out in a dark storage area? Shouldn't I still be able to view the baby pandas if that's the case?  

No, I think it's safe to say that they have no clue where it is and the workers are too terrified to go hunt it down, which I don't blame them for.  I like snakes, even owned one at one point, but there is no way in hell I'm hunting down a 20 inch Cobra in the middle of an urban jungle.  Just a general life plan I go by, WWIJD (What Would Indiana Jones Do), tells me that's a horrible idea.  

Because as a relative expert on Indy, I'm fairly certain he'd dramatically put on his hat, grab his satchel, whip, and that little Asian kid from Goonies, and high tail it the hell out of there.  It's a frigen 20 inch Cobra people.  The guy hates snakes. 

I'd be damn careful if I were walking the burroughs of New York until this demon animal is found dead.  I think the people of the Bronx have enough shit to worry about walking the streets with the drugs, hookers, hoodlums, and the Steinbrenner family.  Tossing a deadly snake into the mix pretty much seals the deal for the Bronx being the worst place in America to live. 

Woman Invents Anti-Camel Toe Defense - The Smooth Groove

So it's like a cup for women, right?  Like a jock strap thing that you've embroidered? That's what you've invented here?

Pretty cool name though, I'll give you that, though I doubt CW sitting here admiring the name of a woman's anti-camel toe device is necessarily a good thing.  Some how I just don't think that the women considering purchasing this will share the same sense of humor that I do.  

It could probably be marketed better by playing up the whole "Barbie Unich Look."  I'm pretty sure every girl growing up wanted to look like Barbie, and I think the smooth groove gets you one step closer to that A-sexual plastic feel they're all searching for.