My Only Real Goal in Life

A candid inside look at Barstool Sports headquarters...and my ultimate goal in life.

I have to be one of the few people on earth that can look a desk littered with junk and a grown man eating a loaf of bread while surfing the internet who thinks "I want that," who actually make a moderate attempt at it, but just can't make it happen.

This picture literally ruined my afternoon yesterday because I realized the chances of me ever being that old man, eating a baguette in a sea of filth, coffee, and the far reaches of the internet, is the slimmest of slim.

Just destined to a life of fluorescent lights and overhearing annoying co-worker chatter from my depressing cube.

And my day is shot once again. 

The Most Ridiculous Knock Out Barstool Material I've Ever Seen

KnockoutBarstoolSports - But here's the bigger question, why do we even have dogs at all? I took a class once called Puppies and Slavery: the Next Frontier of Equal Rights. Did you know that most people like dogs more than other people? Think about it, Ray Lewis participates in a MURDER and people are cool with it. Mike Vick fights a bunch of mutts and people rightly lose their mind. It is clear that David Portnoy is in favor of animal rape and cruelty; but what else is he in favor of? Rape? Muder? Osama Bin Laden? Yes, yes and yes. 

I'm going to stop  you right here:

I took a class once called Puppies and Slavery: the Next Frontier of Equal Rights.

I honestly have no idea if this is meant to be satire, there's  only two posts on the entire site, and while they both seem equally outrageous to me, I kinda think lunatic activists think and do things like this, so I think this could be 100% serious...

And if that's the case, well then you've got bigger problems than worrying about what's going on over at a popular sports/smut blog. Things like, "how can I productively put all these puppies and slavery analogies to good use without offending black people and minorities everywhere," or maybe some time spent google searching "puppy slavery major careers," so you can pay off whatever ludicrous degree you just paid for instead of joining those juvenile 99%er's who think life should be all gumdrops and lolli-pops, where there is no accountability or responsibility for each's own life and choices. 

Get a grip on reality, man. If this really isn't satire, do you really think you're winning any fans comparing an actual satirical sports/smut blogger and the puppy bowl to the likes of rapists, murderers, and Osama Bin Laden? I'm sure there are plenty of 9-11 families that'll readily agree with this analogy. Jokes on a website vs. 3,000 or so dead in an act of terrorism.  50/50 really.