Occupiers Urge Boycott of Black Friday...Fat Chance.

Fox News - Occupy Wall Street-inspired protesters are eyeing a new target -- Target. And dozens of other companies. A campaign under the name "Occupy Black Friday" is trying to enlist supporters to boycott just about every major retailer, and quite a few mid-sized ones, the day after Thanksgiving. The protesters are casting a wide net, urging people to demonstrate against the top retail stores -- a list that includes everything from Wal-Mart to Target to Dick's Sporting Goods to Dollar Tree. "The idea is simple, hit the corporations that corrupt and control American politics where it hurts, their profits," the group's Facebook page reads, describing Black Friday as the "one day where the mega-corporations blatantly dictate our actions." 

BAAHHAHAHAHAHA...You guys are just messing with us now, right? Like you're trolling us? The occupiers are trying to reason with the most irrational, capitalistic, and materialistic, people on earth? Mom's, girlfriends, and wives that shop on Black Friday. This has to be a joke.

You guys know who you're dealing with here, right? These are people who, for one 12 hour stretch, once a year, put aside all their matron and maternal like instincts as part of some de-evolutionary, primal tradition, and absolutely go savage style, store to store, mall to mall, in search of the perfect, toy, electronic, Ugg, or trinket of the season, mauling anyone who gets in their path, all to save 20%. There was a women in Walmart this morning, who literally pepper sprayed her opponents in order to get some slightly discounted piece of electronics.

And here you are thinking they're just going to boycott it because a bunch of tent people asked them too? You really think your mom wasn't out at Bestbuy at 5 AM this morning? You think that portable DVD player you've been using in your tent was magically dropped out of the sky? No, your mom probably killed someone elses mom in a bloody battle for that dvd player like 5 years ago (she got away with it too, because of a little known loophole that says anything from simple battery up to manslaughter is legal while shopping on Black Friday, true story).  That tent you're sleeping in from Dicks Sporting Goods? Your mom camped out rambo style, knife in teeth, war paint on, and absolutely ambushed that store 2 years ago.

But good one guys, I needed a good chuckle today, being bored to death in my cube has been hard work.

This: Immaculately Detailed Procrastination Flow Chart

Chart from here

Note: This thing is gigantic, double click the picture for a full view, trust me, it's worth your time.

This flow chart is everything I've ever wanted for the Alt-Tab...it's the perfect visual embodiment of of everything I want this blog to represent, its so good I borderline want to make it our logo (of course I can't because the thing is ginormous). The best part is, the chart itself is a form of procrastination, it took me 10 minutes to read through all the different options, which is 10 minutes of paid work time that I was able to zone out for...in other words, FREE MONEY. 

Suck it work, suck it long, and suck it hard.

Still Kind of Upset About Tim Burton's Version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Hey Tim, Willy is not supposed to look like a gay-euro hipster, he's just not.

I thought I was over it, I really did. Yes the movie sucked on such an epic scale that my eyes borderline had to be pried open Clockwork Orange style, and yes the movie forever tainted Johnny Depp for me (I don't care how much I love Fear and Loathing, you played an active part in ruining a childhood memory), but I thought I'd put it behind me.

Turns out nope, I hadn't. I've got some kinda deep seeded emotional issues about this movie.  Here I was, Thanksgiving Eve, pounding a few Harpoon Cranberry Ale's (pleasantly delicious, but you have to let them open up...ok I sound a bit too beer snobby now), and watching the original, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory with my girlfriend (yea, I felt old), who unbeknownst to me has never sat through the entire movie, how that nugget had slipped by me to this point, I don't know, my jaw is still on the floor, and I can't even enjoy it because the entire time I was just thinking about how much I HATED the Tim Burton version.

I feel the same way Willy, the same way.

So here's a big "Screw You" Tim Burton. Screw you for ruining my already wicked lame old person's Thanksgiving Eve by making a film like 6 years ago, that still gets my blood pressure boiling today, even when I'm not watching it. You may not be the creative genius that everyone thinks you are, but you sure know how to get under someone's skin and ruin a classic, I guess that's a skill. It's impressive asshattery, at any rate.

PS: The single most douchey thing Tim Burton did here, and it's a long list, was changing the name from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...Really Tim, you can rip off and ruin a classic, but the title isn't good enough for you?

Why Working the Day After Thanksgiving Absolutely Sucks.

I tweeted that earlier (by the way, if you're not following me on twitter yet, you're missing 100% of all hilarious tweets like this), and it's 100% true, today might be the only day ever that my interests and the interests of the Occupiers align.

Working on the day after Thanksgiving (note, I refuse to call it Black Friday, except on twitter, I'm only working with 140 characters, gotta make sacrifices) is the absolute worst. Just a complete kick in the nuts. I woke up this morning a little bit dehydrated, and alot-a-bit-fat.  Felt like I still had a pony keg stuffed up under my rib cage, I'm still that full. All my friends that work at small offices, or are engineers, teachers, etc...all have the day off.  Me? I'm the poor schlep who's office follows the New York Stock Exchange schedule and I have to work...because those ass holes never take a day off.

I just can't stand the fact that the traders at the NYSE, are basically, soulless, family hating, money grubbing, (fill in the blank swear words), who refuse, REFUSE to just take a day off once in a while. You know what the volume is going to be today in the stock market? 10. Not 10 million, 10...There's going to be 10 trades.  Yet we have to come in because some pseudo celebrity wants to ring the bell and the traders want to be on the floor to regale each other with epic tales of how much stuffed turkey they ate or something. And because of that, I'm here, in my cube, staring at the clock in the lower right corner of my screen, begging for it to speed up. 

All the other countries are taking random days off once in a while, why can't we? In my job I happen to have a calendar of all the different countries national holidays, and let me tell you something, we're getting the short end of the stick, big time. 

 Ireland has four days a year that they just call "Public Holidays." Basically if there hasn't been a national holiday that month or in the last few weeks, their government just makes up a day for everyone to party. Well, Erin Go Bragh, that's awesome...Japan, don't even get me started on Japan...They have three days off for New Years, a day called "Ocean Day" (you can't make this stuff up), May 4th is National Greenery Day (so they basically have Arbor day as a national holiday), and in October, they have Health & Sports Day (I've just packed my bags and am looking for the cheapest flights to Tokyo, William Shatner is helping me).

All this inequality in Holidays would be fine if America was still kicking the shit out of all the other countries, but we're not anymore. We're right there with the rest of them, treading water to keep our head up, its not like coming in one extra day to trade some mortgage backed swap is going to help us out or anything. We're not exactly swimming in Scrooge McDuck Money over here anymore, if we're going to suck, we might as well suck at home in our sweats and boxers, no?