I feel that way often times after my failed attempts at engaging the opposite gender too, Mr. Chan
I apologize for my lengthy hiatus, loyal Alt-Tabbers. I was under the delusion that, upon graduating from college in one of the worst economies since the Great Depression, that I would be showered with job offers simply because I now possess a $160,000 dollar piece of paper that confirms I can bullshit 4 years of academia in which I acquired no transferable skills beyond that of being able to legally drink/purchase alcohol. Well, quite the opposite is true. I have sent out countless job applications, written an obnoxious amount of cover letters, and the only phone call I’ve received is from my mother wondering when I was coming home from a ski trip. The funny thing is, I am still in the “grace period” in my peers/parents eyes. For some arbitrary reason, people seem to have an inordinate amount of sympathy for me when I say I’m looking for jobs. They give me a misty eyed look and usually try to encourage me with some sort of anecdote about persevering, like I am headed off to fight in the gladiator arena, or something like that. In any case, my unemployment status, while not beneficial in the monetary sense, has given me ample time to fire up my messed up mind to come out with more golden blog entries.
I don’t pretend to be a “ladies man” or anything of the sort. It’s not like I’m Raj from the Big Bang Theory and am rendered speechless when they come into my general vicinity, but I’ll openly admit I am cautious at best around members of the opposite sex. Despite this aspect of my personality, I do believe I have some keen insight into the vast complexities of the female lexicon. Everyone knows that, even if guys and girls are both speaking English/Yiddish/Whatever the hell language you want to put here and saying the exact same words, the underlying meaning is completely different and often times is the culprit for the miscommunication between those of us with a Y chromosome and those without. I’ve isolated some of the most frequently heard phrases that women utter, and through pain staking analysis deciphered what the actual meaning behind the words is.
#1.) What she says: “We need to talk”
What she means: “You need to figure out what nonsensical/obscure thing you did to piss me off, and you better have a valid answer quick.”
This one is universally feared by all men, and 99 % of the time it usually ends up with guys making vast relationship concessions and heartfelt (or as close as we can come to a reasonable facsimilie of sincerity) apologies typically without the slightest indication as to what we did or why it is a problem. In the realm of female-dom, passive agressivism is king and men happen to be the court jester that is forced bend to it’s will. Most confusing to me is the “we” in this scenario, since it usually involves a stern faced female with arms crossed waiting for the male to start spilling the beans on whatever transgression has occurred, whether he be guilty or not. That’s not a “we”, that’s “you,” and for what it’s worth, being direct would be more appreciated than the current phrasing that would indicate equality in the forthcoming conversation.
#2.) What she says: “Oh, who is she?”
What she means: “Who is that bitch, where did you meet her, how do you know her, are you having sex with her, why didn’t you tell me about her?!?!?”
In the age of Facebook and smart phones, privacy is a luxury that none of us have anymore. Transparency is the name of the game with regards to peoples social lives. Sadly, this means that there is photographic evidence of every single encounter you have ever made in your life from 2007 on. It doesn’t matter if it happens to be you standing awkwardly next to a female co-worker at a job function or the more damning glassy eyed you grinning ear to ear with an attractive bar patron (or patroness? I don’t know the proper terminology here.) The seemingly innocuous “Who is she” is not a simply request of another females identity. It is your cue to, without panicking or gushing perspiration from every pore in your body, to explain the exact nature of your connection to this person, when you met, how you met, how many words in a day you exchange with them etc. Basically, unless you wish to endure the wrath of a jealous and pissed of lady friend, submit calmly to this veiled interrogation and you will avoid much nonsensical bullshit. I’m not saying to guys to lay down and spinelessly cowering in the corner. I’m saying to cover your ass. You’ll thank me for this sage advice later
#3) What she says “I’ll be ready in five minutes.”
What she means “I’m going to take about 30-40 minutes going through my immensely complicated aesthetic preparation ritual, but god help you if you aren’t ready to go when I am.”
Yet another reason I am extremely glad that I was born a guy. When I tell someone it will take my five minutes to get ready, that’s probably on overstatement. If I clocked myself on a Friday/Saturday night, I’m willing to bet it would take me no longer than three minutes to throw on acceptable looking clothes and applying some sort of deodorant/cologne, assuming I have showered beforehand. Women’s “five minutes” includes a lengthy shower, hair preparation, makeup application, then at least 20 minutes of consulting one another on the optimal combination of apparel for the evening when in all actuality guys will think you look good in almost anything. But the pivotal detail here: Be ready when they are. Just because you understand that they will take much longer than 5 minutes doesn’t mean to let your guard down. If you can strategically fit in a round of Call of Duty or watch the game on TV, power to you. But if the lady friend discovers you dicking around when they have spent the better part of the last hour getting themselves dolled up, be ready for the hell you are about to pay.
