Woman Embezzles $160K+ To Fund Her Farmville and Mafia Wars Habit

AUGUSTA — A former administrative assistant for the Maine Trial Lawyers Association admitted in court this morning to embezzling $166,000 from the group, and a prosecutor said much of it was spent on online social-networking games. However, the chances of the lawyers group recouping that amount are slim. A home owned by Higgins and her husband is in foreclosure. She was accused of forging the name of executive director Steven Prince between May 22, 2006, and Sept. 9, 2010, on 220 checks made payable to herself or to cash, and of doctoring the organization's accounting records to disguise the theft. The scheme was uncovered when Prince was notified a check he had written for $5,500 had bounced. Robbin said an investigator found that over the most recent 18-month period — between January 2009 and September 10, 2010 — Higgins had 78 checks deposited directly to her personal account and paid out the funds to Zyna YoVille and Zynga Mafia Wars, which are social networking games played through Facebook. “Apparently she was buying virtual coins for virtual property in a virtual world,” Robbin said.

There's regular, old, detached from society people, and then there's "embezzling your employers cash to fund your burgeoning Farmville virtual world so you can be the best internet farmer America has ever seen," detached.

And frankly, good for you. Go big or go home, right. Like if you're going to be wasting your employers time playing online facebook games, you might as well go all out. Lets not pussy-foot around here, if you're spending real money on Zynga games like Mafia Wars or Farmville, you're a LOSER. Sorry, there's no getting around that. Once you've crossed the line to actually paying the people of the internet, for the right to grow a good crop of virtual cabbage, you've pretty much announced that you've given up on real life. So at that point, why not go all in like this lady? She probably realized she didn't have much of a life to lose and just did it. And before she got caught, I'm sure she was Queen of the fake life, internet world. Probably had more virtual coins and rupees than anyone, and really, that was as good as it was going to get for her, probably doesn't regret it at all, she's been to the mountain top, she can now die, alone, and poor, and probably in prison, peacefully.

And the employers can cut the poor me act as far as getting the cash back.  I mean I've never played Mafia wars or any of that lame shit, but I'd imagine $160k real money buys A TON of virtual drugs in Mafia Wars. Just sell that stuff back for profit. Get in the game bros.

John McCain Trolling Putin on Twitter

Fox News - Vladimir Putin clearly is "unsettled" by the protests in his country, Sen. John McCain told Fox News on Thursday, after the Russian leader publicly excoriated the Arizona Republican in a personal attack the U.S. senator described as just "strange." "Dear Vlad, The #ArabSpring is coming to a neighborhood near you," McCain tweeted. Putin, in a TV appearance Thursday in Russia, then accused McCain -- a Vietnam War veteran and former prisoner of war who now is ranking Republican of the Senate Armed Services Committee -- of having "a lot of blood of peaceful civilians on his hands." 

You crazy bro? Didn't you just get out of some kind of prison camp? What are you thinking here? You've got the cush life, retired in Arizona, pretending to do work for the Senate. Come on, man, don't go inviting trouble for America, we don't need that right now. How about you and your pals in Washington focus on shit going on in our country right now (like how Congress had to avoid a governement work stoppage for like the 3rd time this year just yesterday), and worry less about a man who won his countries presidency with something like a 97% mandate. I mean even if he forged 47% of the votes (which he did), he still got 50% of the popular vote, which is more than George Bush got when we put that bastard in office, so you tell me who's up to shady business.

The "Buy Your XXX Domain to Protect your Brand" Thing is Extortion, Right?

This whole "buy your .XXX domain to protect your business/image" thing is a complete racket right? Extortion in the purest sense. You know who's going to profit wildly from this? The Mafia.  This sets them up for the classic protection scheme, I'm certain that right now, there's a group of old school guido's trying to get their nephew or grandson to show them how to use the internet so they can start gobbling up .xxx domains, and you know what, it's brilliant.  You buy the domain, you put up some questionable material, and then you sell it back to the subject. It's like this whole new world of the internet was just invented for extortion purposes. I mean, how much do you think one of those Christ loving Walton family members would pay to get their domain back? You could be rolling in Wal-Mart family money just for registering a few websites. There's like 5 Walton heirs, figure $500k per person, some aspiring entrepenuer could make $2.5 million by lunch today.

And yes, I know the people of .XXX have built in some protections around popular companies and stars, reserving certain domains (for instance you cannot just go out and buy LindsayLohan.XXX, but luckily it probably won't be long before she populates that one herself), but there's no way they've thought of everyone and everything, its just impossible...and you're crazy if you don't think I just spent 45 minutes testing various .xxx domains just to see what's available (a quick check of my recent search history will turn up some weird stuff right now, the perils of running this blog I suppose). 

Bank of America...Available - Careful with those fees you're just haphazardly tossing out there guys. You thought the media backlash was bad the last time around, that was before someone registered a porn site in your name. 

Lebron James and Dwayne Wade, not available....Chris Bosh: Available. - Told you my search history would look pretty weird. I mean how ostracized can Chris Bosh feel (I find it ironic to describe Bosh as ostracized, because he looks like an ostrich). He already pretty much knew that he was just the third wheel here, but this really must cement it. Lebron and D-Wade sleeping comfortably at night, knowing that no one is conspiring to buy their .XXX domain and publish all kinds of weird things, meanwhile Chris Bosh has to worry about some nutjob out there buying his domain and posting all kinds of Ostrich-fornication related videos (not that I'm searching for that or anything). It must be humiliating.

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson...Protected. www.Tedyroosevelt.xxx  - Not. - Shit just got real awkward up on Mount Rushmore. Sure, theodoreroosevelt.xxx is protected, but no one who knew Tedy ever called him Theodore. Imagine how red his face will be the first time Abe pulls up Tedy's newly founded porn domain.

Honestly, this could go on for days, there's countless corporations and famous people who's domains are not protected and it's going to lead to all kinds of embarrasing situations, none more so than when the Chosen One himself, Tim Tebow, has to shell out a cool million to some schmuck who notices that www.timtebow.xxx is still available, and populates the site with all the dirty things Tim presumably fantisizes about, but can never act on...because he's a unich.

I'm Outright Compelled to Yell MOLECULO MAN...and Other Variously Annoying Noises

Moleculo - The Molecular Man - watch more funny videos

For the purpose of this blog, you really only need to watch the first minute or so to catch the catchprase...but I encourage you to watch the whole thing.

Do you just have that urge to say or yell something and once you think of it, you just CANNOT stop thinking about saying it (or in my case, belting it out in a comedic voice at the top of your lungs)? That’s me with Moleculo Man. Every few days this ridiculous character will pop into my head and I’ll just go off, yelling this at the top of my lungs, if I’m lucky, I’m at home, and then I just have to convince my girlfriend that I’m not in fact, retarded or some kind of serial killer (though screaming it into a pillow to muffle the sound would appear to the contrary). Days that I’m unlucky? I’ll just be sitting at my desk minding my own business and the urge will strike, and when that happens, look out work productivity.

I’ll spend upwards of an hour doing nothing but fighting the urge, because here’s the thing, I’ve never half-assed a molecule man, it’s always full bore, everything I’ve got…It’s probably the only thing I can really say I give 100% effort every time, and given this, I just don’t think it would be appreciated in the middle of the office, frankly.

So I sit there, and after an hour or so I really start to think about how ridiculous the whole thing is, I haven’t done a stitch of work for an hour, I’ve ignored phone calls because, I’m afraid I’ll yell MOLLLECCULLOOOOO MANNNNNNNN at one of my clients while they’re discussing something important like capitalization (plus our lines are recorded and I’d imagine the people down in the security room would have a grand old time with that tape). Then I start wondering whether my boss would appreciate me sitting here, not doing a thing, but doing it quietly, versus; My productivity being at the normal level, with one singular outburst where I yell a marginally popular Conan O’brien Catchphrase at the top of my lungs on a Wednesday afternoon at 3 pm. (It’s a lose, lose situation, eventually I think about it for so long that I forget what I’m even thinking about).

The strange habit doesn’t just apply to odd Conan O’brien inspired action hero catch phrases either, no no. It applies to whistling, random outbursts of energy, and various other phrases and songs that get stuck in my head and I just feel…compelled, to let everyone know, “HEY THIS OBNOXIOUS SOUND IS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD! JOIN ME, WON’T YOU!” My girlfriend, parents, or really anyone that’s lived with me could probably attest that I’m good for at least one or two of these energy breaking outbursts a day.

Double click it to see the Menu Offerings

Take Kars for Kids. Probably the greatest song of our generation, it’s completely won me over, to the point where if you dare switch the radio in the car when that little diddy is on, I’ll snap…Or at least I’ll snap after I finish belting out the tune. Just because you changed the channel doesn’t mean you’ve escaped the song, because I’m finishing it. Same actually applies to that Flo-Rida song (editors note: It’s hard to google Flo-Rida, because you instinctively type “Florida,” and end up with a bunch of results for old people’s home and discounted vacation deals, when all you were really looking for was a 2nd rate rapper), ‘Good Feeling.’ It’s my newest obsession that I let loose on whenever I hear it. I was at a dive bar a few weeks ago (as documented by an embarrassing string of tweets that I horrifyingly read the next morning, those of you not following me, you made a wise decision that night), and I brought down the house with that jam. No, it was not a karoke bar, and no I don’t know the words to anything but the chorus. But that did not stop me from performing this song, at the top of my lungs for the 3 people I was with, along with the 5 or 6 regulars at the bar, who might not have necessarily enjoyed the performance, but they also weren’t threatning me with knives or anything, so that was good (to get a feeling for the atmosphere, the picture to the left is the menu the bar, found that while scrolling through pics last night).

It’s not an ADD or compulsive thing, that I’m sure of, it’s never taken me 20 minutes to put deodorant on, and I’ve never washed my hands to the point that they’ve pruned or anything. It’s just this ridiculous urge of pent up energy, somehow connected to catch phrases and semi-popular songs, that I haven’t figured out how to deal with yet, and as a result, you’ve just read this obnoxiously long blog.

This is getting kind of (really ridiculously) rambly, and I’ve honestly just typed the last two paragraphs because I can’t think of a way to close this ode to my little problem, so I think I’ll leave you with this….

MOOOLLLLLECCUULLLOOOOO MAAAAANNNNNNNNNN