Cops Completely Own (or Pwn?) Slow Driver in the Fast Lane

Brav-o! This is the kind of shit I constantly wish I had the power to do (yea this post is basically the same thing I wrote yesterday, I'm allowed to do that).  Fucking guy just going slow as shit while a cop tails his ass.  How oblivious do you have to be to not notice a patrol car literally ass raping you on your afternoon commute.  That cop just lived every common civilian's dream , a true hero, worthy of the medal of honor or purple heart or whatever kind of pointless award they give out to cops for doing their job appropriately.

Side note: This totally happened to CW a few years back.   Was driving back from a concert around 1:30 in the morning, just chilling in the fast lane, pretty much the only car on the highway.  Car came flying like a bat out of hell right up my pooper and stayed there.  Now, usually I'll move over, but there was legit no cars on the road so I decided to stick it out, if this guy was in such a rush he could go around.  Few minutes go by, he's still there. Being the wise ass that I am, I flick on the dome light in the car and chuck the finger right under the light so its absolutely clear the message I'm trying to convey to the asshole. No sooner did I turn the dome lights off when the blue and whites lit up.  Fuck.  Thought I was screwed. Had my just a few days underrage friend passed out in the backseat and I'd just flipped off a cop in the middle of the night on the highway. Nope, turns out he just wanted to scare the shit out of me.  Rode me to the shoulder and then sped off.

And I respected the hell out of him for that move.  

That's your CW story of the day.  Taking the remainder of the day off.  Don't forget to like us on Facebook or follow us on twitter.  I'd paste the links here, but honestly I'm a bit lazy right now and you can easily accomplish either feat by clicking the links on the top right of this page.  

Teen Arrested Stealing Cigarettes at Gun Point.

Y-100 - A 17-year-old was arrested for an armed robbery in Akron last night. A man told police that the teen had pointed a gun at him on Hammel Street and taken a pack of cigarettes. The victim says he watched the robber entered a nearby house. When police went to investigate they found the teenager in an upstairs bedroom pretending to sleep. They recovered the cigarettes and the gun and the teen was charged with aggravated robbery.

Something seems off with this story. Like I'm pretty sure this kid was set up just so the police would have an arrest to show for themselves.

Does it not seem to reason that someone who was jonesing for cigarettes bad enough that they'd hold someone up at gun point would have chain smoked the shit out of that pack?  No way in hell the perp would go home and take nap before he ripped through those butts with shocking efficiency.  Nicotine addiction just doesn't work that way.  I've never smoked a day in my life but even I get how this works.

And who are they to claim he was pretending to sleep? Do they have access to his REM cycles? Didn't think so, we've either got a blatant case of police mischief here or a case of mistaken identity.  How many cigarette smokers also own a gun? Like all of them, right? Those two things always go hand in hand when I stereotype either segment of society.  So couldn't they have just stumbled upon some innocent teenage smoker who also happened to own a heater? 

 Someone needs to get the ACLU on this case stat.

Blast Alcohol Just Trying to Provide A Public Service, Mass Lawmakers Trying to Prevent it Anyway

Coakley moves to ban new 'binge-in-a-can' drink: MyFoxBOSTON.com

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Attorney General Martha Coakley is looking to blast a controversial new drink off store shelves. Known as binge-in-a-can, this one drink is like taking down five beers all at once. It's called Blast, and in 23.5 ounces it’s equal to four or five beers. Sound familiar? Just a few months back Four Loko was banned in Massachusetts. Now it looks like Blast is caught in the crosshairs of attorneys general nationwide. Blast is made by Colt 45 and is a malt beverage that contains 12 percent alcohol. The drink, manufactured by Pabst Brewing Company, made its official debut on liquor store shelves this month.

So let me get this straight, basically anytime a company comes out with an alcoholic drink that tastes good, we're just going to ban it?  So companies aren't allowed to target newly legal drinkers with an entry level alcohol drink aimed to ease their transition from Hi-C and Welch's juice boxes into the adult alcoholic world?

That first year of drinking is always a tough transition, stomach not quite ready for the carbonation and taste of beer, so you turn to mix drinks for their sugary sweet taste.  Only your lack of alcohol experience inevitably leads to over drinking (even by binging standards).  Why not have a company package a perfectly measured product for binge drinking to avoid cases of alcohol poisoning simply because these kids are light weights and don't know any better?  Blast is performing a public service when you think of it that way.

Like if I read binge in a can, I know that I'll be feeling pretty good on one can. If I go any further I'm doing so on my own volition and accept the consequences, but at least I'm making an informed decision.   

Plus its brought to you by the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon, so you know they wouldn't steer you wrong.  They're not just handing out that Blue Ribbon to anyone, you know.

It's Finally Happening, China Town is Taking Over Boston

Boston Globe- As early as this summer, residents and visitors taking quick trips in Boston will be able to rent bicycles from dozens of sidewalk kiosks, under an agreement expected to be signed today that will create a bike-sharing network inspired by those in Paris and Washington. Boston officials said the system, to be called Hubway, will open in July with 600 bicycles and 61 stations in the city, though they envision growing in a few years to as many as 5,000 bikes at more than 300 kiosks, from Brookline to Somerville. At an afternoon ceremony with bicycling advocates, Mayor Thomas M. Menino is scheduled to sign a contract worth nearly $6 million with a company called Alta Bicycle Share to build and operate Hubway for three years. Alta is also behind a program that debuted last year in the Washington area and now boasts 1,100 cherry-red bicycles at 114 stations.

I guess this was inevitable, China's taking over everything else in the world, might as well overrun the City of Boston while they're at it.  Pretty soon the financial district is going to look like the downtown Shanghai at 5pm.  Just a swarm of bikes and rickshaws peddling about while the rest of us 21st century folks attempt to commute through the city like normal modern day people via cars, subway, and segway.  Look at that picture above. Looks like legit hell on earth.  Certainly doesn't look like the way a modern day city should handle its rush hour commute.  Chalk this one up as another great Mayor Menino plan.

I legit don't get the point to this. Has anyone, anywhere, ever said anything nice about someone on a bike.  Even fellow bike messengers and commuters I assume hate one another.  There is just something so freaking obnoxious about the asshole on a bike that thinks he fits in with the rest of us who can afford cars.  Like no, your 10 speed huffy shouldn't have the same right of way on the streets as my 300 horse power car.  Now get the fuck out of the way before I "acidentally" rear end you in a fender bender.  

This is all we need to seal the deal of my getting out of the city for good.  I already have high enough blood pressure trying to navigate the streets while every Tom, Dick and Sally blindly walks out in to the cross walk regardless of the traffic light situation.  Now I'm going to have to deal with a bunch of spandex wearing clowns all over the city blatantly ignoring the rules of the road on their bikes and forgetting their proper hand signals.  I swear to God the first time a bike tries to sneak through traffic by riding between lanes I'm just going to whip open my door and lay them out.  You want to pretend you have the same access to the roads as we do you damn well better act like it.

Man Convicted of Murder After Chest Tattoo Mural Depicts the Crime

My Fox - The discovery of a distinctive sketch-style tattoo on the chest of Garcia which appeared to depict a 2004 liquor store slaying eventually led to the conviction of the 25-year-old for murder. Los Angeles County Sheriff's homicide investigator Kevin Lloyd was flipping through snapshots of tattooed gang members in 2008 when he spotted the ink artwork which contained such details as the Christmas lights that lined the roof of the liquor store where 23-year-old John Juarez was gunned down, the direction his body fell, the bowed street lamp across the way and the street sign. Lloyd's discovery of the tattoo led to a homicide investigation, which in turn led to Garcia's arrest for the shooting, and his conviction this week for first-degree murder.

Talk about a tough break here, I mean who ever heard of getting convicted because of a tattoo? I'm no legal expert here but I would think any lawyer worth his jock strap would be able to point out the tattoo doesn't look exactly life like.  I mean there is what appears to be an Apache helicopter raining down fire on the streets. Was that part of the 2004 murder? Did this vato some how commandeer a multi-million dollar army fighting machine to settle some street vendetta?  And that's not even mentioning the fact that it doesn't even look like a real person getting gunned down, I'm pretty sure that's Mr. Peanut, monacle and everything.

Who get's convicted of murder for artwork of a helicopter gunning down a popular cartoon food salesman?

Weird Al's "Perform This Way" Verse Lady Gaga's Ego

Boston Globe - The king of pop parodies, "Weird Al" Yankovic, posted his new song today. It's a parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." You won't hear it on his forthcoming album, however. Apparently Ms. Gaga said "no way" to "Perform This Way."

I don't get what's in this for Mr. Yankovic here anyway? I mean Gaga's lyrics are already out there and much crazier than Al could ever come up with.  Riding disco sticks and poking her in the face? Good luck parodying that.  I guess the goal would be Gaga songs and tunes set to wholesome, family friendly lyrics? Would that be funny?

And why must everything Gaga make the news?  How many artists a year do you think turn down Weird Al? Like all of them, right?

Weird Al is the number one person in the world that benefited by coming out before the YouTube era.  If Weird Al broke out these days, he'd do so to the tune of like 2 million views, a lot of death threats and jokes at his expense on the message boards and in the comments sections, and then obscurity in 6 months.  Basically he'd be a more popular version of that lip syncing midget kid. 

Point is, he's just some dude sitting at home messing around with keyboards and webcams, it shouldn't be news that a major pop star denied him licensing rights to her songs.