Taiwan Celebrates Funerals A Bit Differently than We Do, With Strippers

IO9 - Should you meet your demise in Taiwan, a funerary option open to you is the Electric Flower Car (EFC), a wheeled, neon-lit platform upon which pulchritudinous women strip down to their skivvies for the benefit of audiences...both living and deceased.

That sound you just heard? The Florida government shitting a collective brick...because something tells me Taiwan is about to start crushing the southern states in the competition for nearly dead retirees and their disposable income and social security payments.  It's a no brainer...If you're like 75+ and just outlived your wife how are you not packing up your things and heading to Taiwan? I'd suspect airlines are going to have to start adding more direct flights to Taiwan, get those old guys over their fast, they don't have much time, they can't be stopping for 2 hour layovers on the west coast.

Restaurant Bans Children Under 6...It's About Time

CHARLOTTE, N.C. - If your children are under six years of age, they will not be dining at McDain's Restaurant and Golf Center in Monroeville, a western Pennsylvania town.  The owner, a man named Mike Vuick, says there's "nothing wrong with babies, but the fact is you can't control their volume."  He says all that screaming and crying disturbs many of his customers.  The ban goes into effect July 16th...  Even still,  Franklin says he can't imagine banning children from the family-friendly business.  He says, "As long as the parents are being responsible and taking care of their kids, there is no reason for it." Charlotte restaurant-goers we talked to say kids can ruin a meal.  Neal Mims says, "I don't like kids in restaurants.  I think it's a little sometimes over the top."  And Megan Johnson says, "I think it's just a respect issue with the people that are around in the restaurant." 

Preach Megan Johnson, Preach!  Look, it's nothing against kids, its just that there are plenty of restaurants and places to take them...nice dinner restaurants just don't fall into that category, and this guy saying as long as parents are responsible for them, then it's not an issue? Where the hell have you been living. Even the most responsible parent can't stop a 3 or 4 year old from throwing a shit fit after his grilled cheese accidentally touches his french fries...food can't touch bro! Good luck trying to quiet that kid down...meanwhile I'm just trying to enjoy a nice steak and a few brews and now I've got this wailing child behind me and I'm starting to think of ways I could silence the kid without going to jail...its not a healthy situation for anyone involved.

And call me an asshole, but I don't think this age restricted ban should stop here...how about a movie theater that doesn't allow kids under 18? A 21+beach? Chuckee Cheese's where adults can go into the ball pit without looking like a social outcast? Seriously, adults and their taxes and disposable income pay for all this shit, is it too much to ask for a few reprieves from children and everyday life where we can just relax, or cut loose, or just act like a bunch of overgrown kids without the actual children around?

Surest Sign Yet that the NFL Lockout is Ending...Pacman Jones Arrested in Drunk Incident

CINCINNATI -- Bengals cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones was arrested Sunday in Cincinnati on misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct while intoxicated and resisting arrest, adding to the list of off-the-field troubles that have marred his career. "I just had surgery, so why would I be resisting arrest?" said Jones, who was wearing a neck brace. He's been recovering from a neck injury last fall that required surgery, but he was expecting to play this year. He said he hadn't been drinking and was out with his wife to celebrate her birthday. "It's ridiculous, man," he told the TV station. "I keep on going through the same thing, and it don't make no sense." He also apologized to his fans and said he loves Cincinnati. "Only thing I can do is be me and do what I'm supposed to do, but I was not yelling at the police. I did not yell profanity at the police. And at the end of the day ... I'm the bad guy," he said.

Thank god, that's all I can say.  I was just arguing with Pennypacker and the Maestro the other day about whether or not there'd be a season, or if it would be a whole season...they were both adament that a deal was coming very soon, I've been a bit more skeptical ever since the whole Bill Burt thing about a month and a half ago.

Well not anymore. I've been looking for some kinda sign from the players that they're gearing up for training camp, and this is the best one yet. Pacman getting arrested for drunken debauchery is as sure a sign that summer training camp is around the corner as there is.  Combine this with the annual Brett Favre unretirement rumors and it feels like any other July or August...apparently this whole lockout thing was nothing to worry about, things are coming along just fine.

Today's Crazy Reader E-mail - Caycee Anthony/Lizzy Borden Comparisons

this one's bringing out all the nutjobs

From: Teri 

Email: Wickedwoman305@xxxxxxxx

Subject: Caycee/Lizzy

I am having trouble posting this ? If you can plz do it for me I would be very grateful . Ty am freaked out by people comparing Caycee to Lizzie simply because the first time I seen Caycee I had a wierd vibe that I was not only looking at pure evil but, that I was looking at Lizzy Borden's reincarnation. Phew .. Three of my friends can atest that long before the verdict was handed down . I kept saying this to them and couldn't shake the feeling and at the time I didnt' remember the outcome of Lizzy's trial was a verdict of not guilty !!! I happened to google her yesterday and found a few things that just gave me the chills ! I guess you would have to believe as I believe in reincarnation and that is a whole other subject to debate. Lets just leave it as .. energy never d! ies it transforms ! Believe it or not .. I have found more then one similarity. For one.... Lizzy wanted to be free of her parents control and her family dynamics were very dysfunctional and she wanted to live the "BEAUTIFUL LIFE" Her family was wealthy and she was being forced to live below her means. I guess you could say Caycee's only way to be rid of her family's control was to take Caylee out of the equation aside from wanting to punish her parents for controlling her and keeping her from doing what she wanted to do ! As I searched on for more similarities , I found that Lizzy was born 7/19 and Caycee born 3/19 .. Lizzy said she found her father after 30 mins and Caycee didn't report her child for 31 days . I am sorry to all the non believers . I knew who this was before the trial ended . I just wish . I would have researched the outcome of Lizzy's trial before the end of the Anthony trial and maybe,Lets just leave it as .. energy never dies it transforms !... I watched that trial from day one and I do believe the prosecution may have left so! me things out but , ultimately ... the finger pointed at Caycee and I hold that jury responsible for letting her go. They wanted out and they were lazy and I stand firm on that and I predict all of them are going to have trouble living with their deed . I could be wrong ? Its just a feeling . In the end Caycee killed her parents just as she did in her former life . Cindy and George's grandaughter were their life and she is gone and they are mere walking dead now. I do hope that Lizzy , Caycee, .. next carnation when she repeats the crime which I do believe will be more heinious then her previous two ... gets her just reward . Perhaps, she won't come back with the same mission . Again I am glad to see others seen a similarity in the two . At least it helped me understand my unharnessed gift . Thanks for sharing . Teri 

 Well then! I guess I get to refute this comparison twice in one week, I must be a lucky guy.

So, Teri, because two women were accused (and in all likelihood guilty) of murder but acquitted they're one in the same? A demon reincarnate, like Zuul in Ghostbusters or something?  What about all the other woman killers throughout time, same spirit? Been a pretty busy demon.  

Can you explain how each woman was found not guilty by two separate juries? Were the jurors all reincarnates of the Lizzy trial as well? Lot of fate at play here, no? And don't re-animists, or buddhists, or wickans or whatever you are believe that your future reincarnations are based on how you live your current life? Like if you were to do something evil like chop up your parents with an axe you'd probably spend more than a couple lifetimes as a dung beetle or something, right? 

I'll maintain my previous argument that the only similarities between these women is that they're presumably murderous monsters who weren't convicted of their crimes...thats it. 

Lizzie killed her parents with a hatchet, Caycee either drowned or smothered her child to death with chloroform and dumped her in a bog...not the same thing, not even fucking close. They couldn't be more different.  Maybe if baby Caylee had somehow killed Caycee, but that's not what happened here. 

One was born in March and the other in July! Holy Schnikes Scooby! You blew my freaken mind...color me unimpressed, on to the next nonsensical comparison.

Lizzy's parents were found after 30 minutes, Caylee was reported missing after 31 days...Now you're just messing with me right?  Like you knew I'd have to post this after making this outlandish comparison? They're not the same number, same circumstances, or same unit of measurement...they're different in everyway possible.  30 is not 31, discovering her dead parents is not the same as reporting a missing child (you'd have to compare the date that Caylee was found in order for this to make sense) and minutes are far different than days.  You really couldn't have strethed further with this one, let me guess you have The Number 23 listed in your favorite movies section on Facebook? 

"In the end Caycee killed her parents just as she did in her former life." Cindy and George's grandaughter were their life and she is gone and they are mere walking dead now."...Ahh, I get it now, its symbolism, right? Lizzies reincarnated spirit wanted to kill her parents again, but figured the whole hacking up with the axe thing would give her away? So she killed Caylee as a metaphor for killing her parents, that's pretty deep thinking for a demonic evil spirit....now everything makes sense.

Mayor Bloomberg Forcibly Officiates New Yorks First Gay Wedding.

New York Times - Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg summoned his chief policy adviser, John Feinblatt, to his desk at City Hall a few days ago for what seemed like a routine conversation with the boss. “Let’s get a cup of coffee,” the mayor told him, motioning to the office kitchen. There, Mr. Bloomberg made an unusual offer. He did not know if Mr. Feinblatt and his longtime partner, Jonathan Mintz, the city’s commissioner for consumer affairs, wanted to marry. But if they did, and were looking for somebody to officiate, he knew just the man for the job. “If you’d like me to do it, I’d really love to,” Mr. Bloomberg said. “The mayor and John,” Mr. Mintz recalled, “popped the question.” 

Does this make Mayor Bloomberg some kind of gay-love pimp? You know what, nevermind, that's not the real question here.

The question is, what if these dudes, or other gays in general didn't really want to get married? Like, yea its fantastic that gay marriage is legal, people should be able to marry whomever they want, yada, yada, yada...but there are plenty of straight people out there who shun marriage, what if this guy was cool with the way things were, now the Mayor is publicly offering to use him as the poster gay for New York's new law change? The guy's probably like "fan-fucking tastic, now my partner gets to blow all that retirement and vacation money on some fabulous wedding, terrific."

I feel bad for some of the gays in a way. I mean I'm sure there are plenty out there who were using anti-marriage laws to their benefit, just as an excuse not to take things to the next level. I can imagine two dudes living together for like 9 years , one nagging about where their relationship was going, the other saying things like "sorry hunny, I want to, but the laws, the law" all the while smiling in the back of his head, the perfect arrangement.  Well guess what hombre, the free ride is over. Welcome to relationships as the rest of us know them. One big ticking time clock and if you miss your partners deadline, it's over.

Wake Up With: Drunk Driving Tractor Towing 10 Carts of Alcohol to the Party

Daily Mail - The cop on duty probably thought it would be a nice, quiet day of road patrol. So when a man sporting cut-off shorts and swigging a beer drove past on a lawnmower pulling ten shopping carts of alcohol, his brow no doubt furrowed. 'What the hell,' said the cop as he fired up his siren and gave chase to the man on the mower, who was allegedly under the influence.

So I guess this is fake, sort of? The guy getting arrested is a comedian, playing his alter ego, so he's hamming it up, but in reality he really was rolling down the street with ten shopping carts of booze tethered together with a 100 ft extension chord while driving a tractor, and really was arrested...so classifying this as real or fake is a bit hazy.  Yea it was on purpose, but at the same time it was real.

I dunno, bottom line it seems like a shit ton of work for a comedian, I mean how can that be a good living? Go around pulling stunts to purposely get arrested? How bad can your stand up possibly be? Like when do you make that career decision and say "screw it, filming myself getting arrested dozens of times would be funnier than the crap jokes I've been writing."  That's gotta be an awfully sad day.