Dr. Jack's 69 Quote Salute to Michael Scott

"Ok, yeah. Well this is gonna hurt like a motherfucker"

Tonight we will say goodbye to Michael Scott as Branch Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. The identity of his permanent replacement is still unknown (my bet is Will Arnett) but now is not a time to think about the future. Instead we should celebrate the past seven seasons we've gotten to enjoy Steve Carell's performance on a weekly basis. To help us remember the best times, and to cope with the withdrawal his upcoming absence will create, I present to you in six different categories, 69 Michael Scott quotes. (And I know Dunder Mifflin employee Kevin would love the number I chose.)

WORK
Michael's job was the biggest part of his life and he tended to overestimate the importance of his position:

"I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third."

"Yes, I've heard 'women and children first', but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace, by law, so if I let them out first...I’d have a lawsuit on my hands."

"I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA so..."

"Do I want to be feared or loved? Um... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

"Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."

"Jim, if this is it for me promise me something... host the dundies."

"Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but, at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground."

"I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange, means orange you glad you didn't bring it up. Most colors mean don't say it."

RACE  

While I think Michael thought himself a master of race relations, that was hardly the case:

"Dinkin Flicka / Bippity poppity, gimme the zoppity"

"Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza, poor people love pizza, white people love pizza, black 

people love pizza... do black people like pizza?"

"Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, 'yo that's shizzle'. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you."

"Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake."

"Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that."

"He's always up in my business. Which is ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me. I don't understand how someone could have so little self awareness."

SELF-AWARENESS

Michael was probably the least self-aware person ever, which tended to lead to his best lines:

"Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have 

done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way

people will know exactly where my priorities are at."

"Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass"

"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can 

make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid.

Works like a charm."

"Actually, it's polite to arrive early, and smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, show up early, become a really good friend."

"Was tonight a success? Well, I made Pam laugh so hard she fell down and almost broke her neck. So I killed, sort of."

"Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. Almost a Christmas miracle."

"Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"

"Wow, you are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I., or...?"

"Who wants some man meat?"

"Wikipedia. Is the best thing ever. Anyone, in the world, can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information."

"Since I pay her salary, it is like I am paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride."

"Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work..."

"Jan told me to play it cool, and not tell anybody, because it could get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."

"I am a bank teller. (to camera) Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance."

"Yes, money has been a little bit tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I going to be thinking about much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about, how many friends I have. And my children. And my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht so I obviously did pretty well money wise."

"I have my book on business, "Somehow I Manage", I have my HBO comedy special, "Here I Go Again (dot dot dot)", but you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, not one of those things are as real to me as my movie."

SILLY

Sometimes there was just no other way to describe what came out of Michael's mouth:

"That’s what she said"

"Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad."

"Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame."

"I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!"

"Hey everybody! I just invited Jim to suck it!"

"TMI? Too Much Information. It''s just easier to say 'TMI'. I used to say 'don't go there', but that's lame."

"A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night, and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain and the

woman says, 'Hey, it was only $5, what did you expect... lobster?' This is what’s at stake."

"Peach Iced Tea. You're gonna hate it."

"Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken."

"Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square... named for the good times you have when you're in it."

"Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work,

everybody would still be in the cage."

"Prove it. Let's see your penis! I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth I knew that it was wrong."

"I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life."

"Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make."

"Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!"

TOBY

The man Michael loved to hate:

"Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family."

"Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be."

"And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would 

shoot Toby twice."

"You know what Toby, when the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, 

you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?"

"Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry."

"Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'."

POP CULTURE

Michael thought he knew a lot about pop culture than he really did:

"I am a big Fear Factor fan. Um... I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually."

"‘Are you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?' Raging Bull, Pacino."

"Fun fact: I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice breaker if I ever

meet Teri Hatcher."

"Think about this: what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or

in real life? Somebody has a gun. That''s why I always start with a gun, because you can''t

top it. You just can''t."

"There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown."

"Oh I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was

going to be a bowling movie like Kingpin. And it wasn't. It was something else."

"500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan."

"What's the group, that were from Scranton and made it big? Was that U2?"

"It’s like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent “The Devil Wears Prada” again? Or do I finally get around to seeing “Sophie’s Choice”? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision."

PAST 

Michael said a lot of things about his past that were just as depressing as they were difficult not to laugh at:

"Alright let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet."

"When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash. From the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony. And I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me, for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday."

"We had a foreign exchange student when I was young. And, we called him my brother, and that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans, with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like: A fake brother who steals your jeans."

"A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher, like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us and he would tell us awesome jokes and he actually hooked up with one of the students. And then like 12 other kids came forward.. it was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us."

"You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when freshmen throw a party and wouldn't let any of the seniors go."

"I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet. And now she thinks she better than everybody."

"Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F.: Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as

salesmen. One time we were out and we met this set of twins and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another; we brought them back to the hotel and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome!"

There was one final quote I wanted to save until the end that I felt really summed up exactly what Michael Scott wanted to be, and in an indirect way he achieved it:

“I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they

saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.” 

Well Michael, I laughed the majority of the time I saw you, and tonight I will definitely applaud as you walk

away. And for that, I want to say thank you and good luck in Colorado.

18 Year Old in Cow Suit Steals 26 Gallons of Milk from...You Guessed it, Walmart

STAFFORD, Va.  Walmart shoppers in Stafford County saw the sight of their lives Tuesday night—a cow, on all fours, trying to score gallons of milk. An 18-year-old man dressed up in a cow suit stole 26 gallons of milk around 10:35 p.m. The man was apparently crawling while he exited the store, trying to emulate cattle, Kennedy said. Soon afterward, witnesses told Stafford sheriff's deputies that the man was handing out the pilfered milk jugs to passersby outside of the Walmart, Kennedy said...“This is probably one of the most unique efforts of shoplifting I’ve seen,” Kennedy said. “It might’ve been a prank that went wrong, but it isn’t as funny when [the suspect] breaks the law.” Kennedy said the sheriff's office didn't have surveillance video of the theft, but said it would have been interesting to see.

First off, if you're shopping for groceries at Walmart, this wasn't the sight of a lifetime, probably wasn't even the sight of that specific Tuesday night. You've just got to expect out of the natural stuff when you cross a Walmart threshold.

That said, calling this is a unique effort in shop lifting history is an extremely understating the magnitude of what happened here.  I mean the physics alone confound me.  Was it one guy in a cow suit? Doesn't that usually require two people? And how did one kid carry out 26 gallons of milk without looking suspicious? That's a lot of fucking milk.  That's roughly 210 pounds of milk to be specific.  So not only did employees watch the bizarre scene of a man on all fours in a cow suit crawling out of their store, but they didn't stop to question the fact that he obviously had to be laboring pretty heavily with all that weight, not to mention the bulky, gallon sized lumps protruding from his sides?

But here's the final, million dollar question, would you have taken a gallon or two from this kid on all fours in his cow suit on the sidewalk while he was handing out milk.  Milk aint cheap these days, a gallon is like $4.25.  Fiscally, it makes sense.  But at the same time, its a kid dressed as a cow on all fours on the sidewalk handing out free milk.  The situation doesn't exactly scream FDA approved.  I guess it's one of those questions that can only be answered when you're in the moment. 

Lawyer Sues Strip Club for Making Him Spend 19,000 Dollars While Drunk

Fox News - An attorney who specializes in drunken-driving offenses is suing a Florida strip club, claiming it got him so drunk he spent almost $19,000 on his credit card, Courthousenews.com reports.  Mark S. Gold reportedly is suing the Gold Rush strip club in Miami-Dade County Court, saying he became "temporarily unconscious" during a drunken night at the club in November 2010 and racked up $18,930 in charges.  The lawsuit alleged that "Gold Rush knowingly and continuously served plaintiff alcoholic beverages to the extent that he was rendered intoxicated, partially or temporarily unconscious, and further to the extent that he had a complete loss of judgment, rational thought, or ability to enter into lawful contracts or agreements," according to the website. The allegations reportedly say that the club "knowingly caused plaintiff's irrational state of mind, continued to ply him with liquor in order to charge his credit card excessive amounts to the extent of $18,930."

Listen buddy, I don’t buy it and you shouldn’t be selling it.  

1.  Rule number one of the strip club. Leave your credit card at home. Coincidentally this is also rules two and three.  You don’t have that black card in your pocket, they stop feeding you boos, and the girls step grinding their lubed up parts on you, plain and simple.

4. Besides that though, you spent 19,000 dollars. It takes a while to blow through 19k, even in a strip club.  Like you might have been blacked out for an hour or so, but I can guarantee this was a 6-8 hour bender. At some point you came through and realized what was going on and decided “fuck it, I’ll deal with it later, now someone go find me an Asian I want to spice it up a little.” 

5. I feel like its an unwritten yet universally understood thing that once you set foot inside the threshold of a strip club, they aren’t going to stop sucking money out of you until its closing time or your card is declined.  The strip club is a gigantic war beign waged on your wallet.  If you're not willing to wage war on its behalf, you shouldn't be there in the first place.

Man Bashes Woman's Head and Sets Her Clothes on Fire after Hospital Charges $5.75 per day for HBO

If this place has free HBO, shouldn't your local Hospital?

(New York Post) - The television-obsessed New York man who brutally beat his wife because she did not pay for premium cable channels while he was in the hospital has been charged with killing her, authorities announced Wednesday. Thomas Scala, of Staten Island, was charged with criminally negligent homicide for causing the death of his 59-year-old spouse, Blanche, by hitting her in the head during a Nov. 26, 2010 fight inside their New Dorp Beach home, according to the Staten Island District Attorney's office. Scala, 57, a diabetic with a long history of medical issues, allegedly went ballistic because his wife had not footed the $5.75-a-day for him to watch his favorite shows while he was laid up in the hospital during Thanksgiving. When the woman tried to retreat to a neighbor's home, Scala allegedly set her clothes on fire. She suffered a wound to her head -- possibly caused by a thrown ashtray -- that triggered fatal bleeding on her brain. She died the next day.

 Condolences to Blanche's family...

Holy shit there is a lot going on here, but I think we can all agree on one thing, this is all the hospitals fault. $5-frigen-.75 per day for cable channels? WTF? Price gouge much you fascist pigs? 

Dude is already laid up, running up unseemly bills for his extended stay in the ER, the least you could do is cop a brother some free HBO.  Shit, every sketch ball motel for miles tosses in HBO for free, you'd think HMO's and medicare would be able to cover it.  We're talking about dying people here, are we really going to force them to watch basic cable and suffer at the whim of whatever the hell Ted Turner has decided his conglomeration of like 18 basic cable channels should show this season? That's enough to drive anyone to murder.

PS: anyone named Blanche either lives on, or has lived on Staten Island, right? I can't be the only one that makes that assumption. 

Gwyneth Paltrow Calls Grandmother a "Cunt." Good to Know I'm not the Only One That Hates Her

Fox 411 - That wild and crazy Gwyneth Paltrow needs to wash her mouth out with soap! The ice-blond beauty shocked viewers of the “Chelsea Lately” show by calling her own grandmother “a real c**t.” Comedian Chelsea Handler was describing her crotchety grandmother, who she called Mutti—the German word for mother—as being “a real b**ch.” Not missing a beat, Gwyneth retorted that her own Mutti was “a real c**t.” Raunchy Handler delighted in the normally regal Paltrow using the vulgarity with such familiarity, saying, “I don’t know what it is about that name, but they should stop giving it to people!” Paltrow explained to Handler that her German grandmother “hated (her) guts.” “She tried to poison my mother against me,” said Paltrow. “She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell."

Good to hear Gwyneth's cunt of a grandmother is on the same page as the rest of us.  Seriously, what the hell is it about Gwyneth Paltrow that is just so damn hateable? She just seems like such an uppity stuck up bitch.  I have no basis for believing that, don't know her, don't recall ever seeing her speak during an interview, and she's never really in the news.  But all the same I just know that I hate her guts.  Sort of like Rachel Ray in that way.

Take Cameron Diaz for example.  I always compare these two in my mind, they should be the same person.  Both came on the scene around the same time, tall, slender blondes, average to slightly above average acting talents.  One seems like a blast in a glass, the other seems like the kind of bitch that you'd leave behind at the table during a first date when you snuck off to go to "the bathroom."  I mean she even named her kid Apple...even that makes my blood boil.

So yea Gwyneth, maybe your Nazi war criminal grandmutter was a cunt, but she was probably less hated by American's everywhere than you are, even if we're not quite sure why we hate you.

Man Robs Dunkin Donuts on Bike, Gets Hit By Cop Making His Getaway

Courant - A man with 45 previous arrests for robbery was arrested again Friday after allegedly bicycling up to a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through window, threatening the clerk and pedaling away with a register drawer full of cash, police said. Vernon Lewis, 42, of 6 Lincoln Terrace, then nearly collided with a police officer near City Hall who was responding to another call, police said. After learning that the Dunkin' Donuts at 255 East Main St. had been robbed, the officer found Lewis near the public library, police said. He was carrying $321 cash, police said...He faces charges of first-degree robbery, second-degree larceny, second-degree threatening, interfering with police and brandishing a facsimile firearm.

I'd like to say tough luck, seems like the perfect crime, but can you really call it luck when you've been busted 45 times before? I mean sooner or later you've got to perfect your craft, right?  Guy has all the dedication in the world, but sadly, no talent it seems.

You're on a bike, you've accomplished the hardest part, getting the guy in the window to take your demands seriously while seated on a 10 speed huffy.  Now comes the getaway.  Again, you're on a bike.  Take that thing off road, through the woods, through yards, down trails.  

Whatever you do, do not pedal into oncoming traffic, especially if that traffic includes a cop car speeding to an unrelated call.  Like how quickly do you think this officer went from shitting his pants because he hit a pedestrian to recognizing this guy from his 1,000 previous arrests and just throwing him in the back seat.  Probably didn't even wait to check him for cash, just tossed him in cuffs and decided he'd figure out what kind of mischief he was up to later.  

Bad luck, yea, but the guy is dumb as rocks.

You're Mad At Your Dad, Not Me. And That's Ok, I Forgive You

A Louisville man is facing disorderly conduct charges after police said they found him walking shirtless down an interstate in the middle of traffic during a rainstorm...Police said cars were swerving to avoid Simic. According to arrest records, Simic told the officer to "go (expletive) yourself" when he tried to get Simic off the roadway. When asked why he was upset, police said Simic told them he wanted to "kick his father's ass" and he was walking on the interstate to get to Prospect, Ky.Simic also told police he was mad at his father because his father will not have sex with Simic's mother, according to arrest records.Police said Simic appeared to be under the influence of drugs.He is charged with second-degree disorderly conduct. 

Just a typical case of repressed anger towards a guys father, nothing to see here. I'm sure if the cops had a nickel for every time they found a guy wandering the highway shirtless during a rain storm while curising his father under his breath for not having the decency to properly plow his mother, we wouldn't even be in this fiscal mess.   I mean, entire movies have presumably been made about this exact situation.

By the way, question for the officers, what's a fella got to do to make first degree disorderly conduct?  Where's the line there?  Because I'd love to know how this guy straddled it without going over.  Just a puzzling situation.  Was it because he still had his pants on? Is that the key, male frontal nudity? Was he not swearing at a loud enough decibel, some kind of sound ordinance in place?  Or did they just take it easy on him because the arresting officers father never had the decency to bang their mother either.