The Situation Checks into Rehab...Yawn.

TMZ - "The Situation" is in rehab for substance abuse ... TMZ has learned. Sources tell TMZ the "Jersey Shore" star -- aka Mike Sorrentino -- has checked into an inpatient treatment program. A rep for the Situation just contacted TMZ to say they are not confirming that Mike is in rehab ... just that he "has spent the past several weeks at an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule."

File this under least shocking news ever...The guy is nearly 30 and spends his nights in "da club" from 12-4 AM...Of course he's using performance enhancing drugs...Have you seen the Jersey Shore? These guys go out, come back cook a full on meal, and go to bed, basically when I'm waking up every day...Those aren't normal hours, obviously something is up. And frankly, I don't think I want to watch if performance enhancers (cocaine, I assume) are taken out of the equation. It would be like if Major League Baseball ever took getting rid of HGH and steroids seriously. The game would be boring as shit, no more homeruns, 3-2 games all over the place. Who would watch?

The same thing with the Jersey Shore...You know what the Jersey Shore is without performance enhancers? A bunch of skinny (no more steroids) overly tan guidos sitting on couches because they're tired.  Think about it, for those of you who work full time, how many times in the last year have you raged on a Friday night? A handful? Most times you grab some dinner, maybe a drink or two, and then flop on the couch, right? Is that primetime TV? Hell no. 

MLB needs steroids and the Sitch needs whatever it is he's been taking (probably cocaine). I know it's not healthy, I know it's a serious problem, but he's basically being paid $5 Million a year to put up with it, its a pretty fair trade off.

 

Missippi State Students Chant "Where's Your Green Card" To US Citizen.

HATTIESBURG, Miss. – Southern Mississippi has revoked the scholarships of five members of its pep band who took part in the heckling of a Kansas State basketball player at last Thursday's NCAA men's basketball tournament game. Southern Miss issued an apology last week to Kansas State point guard Angel Rodriguez after he was the target of chants of "Where's your green card?" during the Wildcats' 70-64 second-round victory in the NCAA tournament. Rodriguez had 13 points and four assists in the game that was played in Pittsburgh...Rodriguez said last week that he accepted the apology because "there's ignorant people and I know that's not how they want to represent their university." Rodriguez said he doesn't pay attention to that "nonsense, especially because Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, so we don't need no type of papers."

First off, in this time of economic crisis, I honestly didn't think we were still giving out scholarships to hobbyists who play the tuba or whatever instrument these guys play...Just seems like if you're going to cut somewhere, this seems like a place to start...Not like Tuba and Drum Majors are generating money for the school or going on to wildly successful Tuba careers and donating large sums of their income back to the school. 

But secondly, if you are going to give scholarships to local Tuba players, maybe make sure they can pass a basic social studies exam from the 4th grade...I've long just assumed that kids in the deep south of Mississippi were practicing coloring in the lines while me and my fellow educated, northern 12 year olds were learning about the Louisiana Purchase and Cloud formations, but this just confirms it. This is straight up embarrassing.  I honestly don't know how, as an administrator at this school, you can allow these kids to stay without at least testing them on some basic US knowledge at this point...Like, give them the actual citizenship exam...hell it should probably be mandatory at Southern colleges anyway, just to make sure they know that the school lessons they learned as little kids in elementary school aren't in fact the truth, you know, like how they lost the war, and woman can vote, and Dred Scott was reversed. 

Good lookin Deep South.

PS: Angel, Puerto Ricans may not "need no type of papers" but you could definitely stand to double down on a couple English 101, 102 courses.

Words Can't Describe How Big of A Masshole I'd Become If I won the $1000 a Day for Life Lottery

Boston.Com - A 39-year-old Hanover plumber is the first winner of a Lucky for Life grand prize, which will award him $1,000 every day for the rest of his life, the Massachusetts Lottery said today. Bruce Campbell said he would buy a Cadillac and a new Harley Davidson motorcycle -- and keep on working and invest the rest of his money, according to Lottery spokeswoman Beth Bresnahan. He has a long-term girlfriend, who went with him today to claim the winnings. “He knows what he wants and we’re happy this prize can get him there,” said Bresnahan. 

Bruce Campbell, if you're not full of shit and truly plan on continuing life as a plummer, than you're a far better man than I am...Because there are No Words to describe how much of a lazy asshole I'd turn into if I one this prize. 

Yea there are bigger prizes, yea it doesn't make you extraordinarily rich, but there is just no fucking way on earth I'd lift my finger another day in my life.  My main task each day would be to roll out to the mailbox, grab my check for the day and figure out how I wanted to spend it that day. 

Because that's the thing about this prize, its a shit ton of money, but its not exactly "saving for the future" money, if that makes sense. I'd be much more likely to save a chunk of money if they gave me a lump sum of like $6 Mill or something, I'd get a financial advisor, buy some cufflinks, start getting $200 dollar hair cuts, set up trust funds, the whole 9 yards. But the idea of a fresh $1,000 every day hitting my account is just too much for me to handle responsibly. 

I'd literally figure out exactly how much I'd need to take out of each check for mortgage and regular expenses, and the rest I'd blow by midnight. Not even kidding. You'd find me at Foxwoods for months at a time placing one roulette bet a day, all on black. If I lost, I'd just come back the next day and try and recoup my money (I wouldn't even double down if I won, just one bet a day for the hell of it). I'd just sit in the corner of my favorite bar and hang out ALL DAY for a couple weeks.  Vacations, absolutely. You just might not see me for years at time, just forwarding my checks to wherever I feel like staying, post card trails from offbeat places like Des Moines and Plano, Texas. 

My point is, I wouldn't save a single cent, there's no need to. This lottery defies everything your parents ever told you about cash not growing on trees, for all intents and purposes, if you win, cash really does grow on trees. The idea that you have a never ending string of $1,000 checks means never having to think about working or anything responsible again.

So like I said, if this Bruce Campbell is serious about continuing work as a plumber, he's either the biggest liar in the history of Earth, or he's the most noble person ever. It's one or the other.

Please God, If You're Listening, Make Tebow Go to the Jets

ESPN - While one league source says the Dolphins are not likely to deal for Tebow, two sources told ESPNNewYork.com's Rich Cimini on Tuesday night the Jets' interest in Tebow has intensified. The Jets, who a league source originally categorized as "a long shot at best," are concerned about the negative perception of its locker room. The Jets were divided by player unrest last season, and "bringing in a guy like (Tebow) would help," one source told Cimini. "It makes perfect sense...The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense. New coordinator Tony Sparano introduced the wildcat to the NFL as coach of the Miami Dolphins. That, coupled with Rex Ryan's desire to be a power-running team, has fueled organizational discussion on Tebow. On the downside, there's concern Tebow's presence could create a distraction for incumbent Mark Sanchez, whose leadership came into question after the season. Sanchez recently received a three-year contract extension with $20.5 million in guarantees, all but ensuring he'll be the starter for at least the next two years..."I don't know how he'd handle it," one source said of Sanchez. "That would be interesting."

Someone get me Mike Tannebaum's personal address, I'm going to write them a check to help this along. 

Please God, for all that's holy, bring Tebow to the Jets. First off, if there was one locker room in the league that needs more God in their lives, its the Jets.  Can you imagine the conversation between Cromartie and Tebow? Cro trying to list off his clan of children, followed by Tebow mentioning that he actually knows 3 of Cro's kids from the charity shelter he works at in the off season...that would be fantastic.

But it's about more than spreading the Word of Tebow...It's about my entertainment as a Patriots fan, which would be at an all time high. Read this back: "The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense." Really? The wildcat offense? The offense that was roundly abandoned 2 and a half seasons ago after its abject failure in its first full time go around in Miami? Man, Tony Sparano just can't quit the wildcat, huh? You think he already forgot that the wildcat is probably one of the main factors in why his team was never able to develop a reliable NFL QB in his time there? That maybe yanking your young QB in favor of the likes of Ronnie Brown, Pat White, and now, Tim Tebow,  for 10-15 snaps a game for some gimmick offense isn't the best message to send to your impressionable quarterback.  You think he's thought about that?

Actually, I'll tell you who probably loves this, and that's Mark Sanchez...As you'll recall, the last time the Jets flirted with another QB, Peyton Manning, the team loaded up and gave Sanchez an outrageous raise to smooth over any hurt feelings...Never mind the fact that he was coming off basically his worst year since his rookie year, in which he took no steps forward in his progress as a professional quarterback and all of his teammates openly wondered whether he could lead them to wins...So yea, he's probably at home grinning, still counting his new pile of money and wondering when the Brinks truck will be backing up again after the team's little foray with Tebow this time around. 

First class organization all the way over there.