Alt-Tabs: Holiday Edition

I promised a busy day at the Tabs and I delivered.  Happy Holidays Everyone, be sure to check back Monday for a whole new week of Shenanagins.

 Tacky Holiday Christmas Lights - Some bloggers this week took to criticizing overly tacky and excessive Christmas light displays.  We hear at the Alt-Tab couldn't disagree more.  Christmas is a time for Americans to be at our most obnoxious best.  Other cultures celebrate Christmas as a deeply religious time of year.  We treat it as commercialism at its worst best.  Soft, classy looking white lights of the aristocratic class are ruining this countries spirit.  We need more families like the one above if we're ever going to regain our swagger on the global stage.  Pretty soon we're going to end up being as soft as these next two countries:

North Korea V. South Korea Bitching Fest Continues - North and South Korea beat the drums of war Thursday, with each threatening the other with immediate retaliation if attacked.

Allright this is gone on far long enough.  For weeks these two countries have been taunting eachother like two losers in their mothers basements over an internet message board.  Its time to get down to it.  The world needs to set global sanctions if no action is taken by the new year.  You have 1 week.  Either go to war or drop it.

Fantastic Four About to Become Terrific Trio -The Fantastic Four -- superheroes whose creation nearly 50 years ago helped usher in the Silver Age of comics for Marvel -- is about to become a trio.  Marvel Comics said Wednesday that a member of the foursome -- Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and the Thing -- will die in issue No. 587 next month, a change that the company said will ripple across the Marvel Universe like never before.

Marvel can spare me the drama of killing off one of their characters.  Just come out and call it what it is, a budget cut.  Even superheroes aren't immune to this economy.

Toy Firm Specializes in Toys that Don't Require Batteries - Schylling Associates Inc. of Rowley is the biggest toy company in Massachusetts. The firm specializes in the kinds of toys that parents and grandparents remember from their own childhoods, which didn't require batteries or come with online instruction manuals. 

I hope they also specialize in profits that don't involve customers (HAYYYOO).

Is Steven Tyler Actually Alive? - AHH, oh sorry Steven, I thought you were the Ghost of Christmas Past...I mean you look great...

Girl Pulls Knife At Mall Over Parking Lot - A Dennisport woman was arrested yesterday after allegedly pulling out a knife and threatening another woman during a confrontation over a parking spot in the Cape Cod Mall parking lot.

No one has the balls to pull a knife for a spot they were trying to steal so I'll just assume they arrested the wrong person on this one, because make no mistake, if someone would have tried to steal my spot yesterday I would have defended it with my 9 Iron.  Parking spot thievery is the number one crime of the holiday season and the number one precursor to violent altercations, the public needs to be made aware (no research was conducted before typing those "facts") 

Holiday Karma In the Form of a Woman Driver

I could just sit back make the typical "woman driver haha" jokes.  Or I could comment on the fact that she spent time digging out her front tires despite the fact that her car is rear wheel drive, never mind the idiotic "leave the car in drive and push from behind" move she pulled.  Just legendary decisions being made left and right.

But instead I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.  This guy made the mistake of mocking her from his ivory tower without helping and look what happened. Bitch ran his house over, and looks like she's about to pull a hit and  run.  You think that was an accident?  Women may be terrible drivers but I'm pretty sure they can avoid the sides of buildings, this was clearly planned.  As the saying goes, "Hell Hath No Furry Like A Woman Scorned. "

People Like Listening to Andy Gresh?

Let me preface this by saying I love sports talk radio.  Nothing makes a work day, long drive, or traffic jam seem more tolerable than listening to people just like yourself, who may care a bit too much about sports, banter on about tedious details and illogical arguments.  It's fantastic.  

That said, I change the channel away from the Sports Hub the second that Andy Gresh comes on air.  It's not that he's loud, obnoxious, and strays away from the topic all the time, that's 90% of sports talk radio hosts.  Its his voice.  The guy constantly sounds like he's choking down a lump of turkey meat that's been lodged in his gullet since last holiday season.  

And this shouldn't be taken as an anti-fat or out of shape people rant.  This is strictly about the sound of his voice.  I'm not exactly the model of good health and shape myself.  I get more winded than Tony Soprano eating a plate of pasta when I walk up the stairs at work.

This is a voice that just shouldn't be on radio.  You can literally hear the tiny food particles and spit coming out during chortles or particularly loud arguments.  On TV? Sure I don't mind it.  There are visuals to distract me from his heinous guttural voice.  The guy sounds like Chris Farley shortly before he croaked.  Farley, hilarious person, always made me laugh, would fail miserably as an on air personality. Sports Hub, if you want to supplant WEEI you're going to have to work on Gresh's gullet. 

Soccer Wrap Up Week 7: Shut Out!

B8 dominated a testy affair from start to finish last night, no one's quite sure what the final score was, but if I had to guess it was something along the lines of 15-Nil (not an exaggeration, if anything I'm underselling the final score).  

Led by Captain FatAss the opposing team was doomed from the get go, approaching our team to see if we'd agree to play a man down because they only had one sub (meaning fatty didn't feel much like running).  B8, like a bunch of sharks in the water smelt the chum and attacked relentlessly from the opening whistle. 

Things got a bit testy when the aforementioned Fat Bastard shoved Mazz to the ground, presumably out of frustration (Mazz is the Cortland Finnegan of our league, seemingly always in the middle of these things).  Threats of meeting outside (its Co-ed B League soccer, you may have issues) from the opposition were laughed off, and in the second half the domination continued. 

Our own team short handed, the goal scoring was spread around quite evenly, with everyone getting in on the action, Ross, Mazz, Kathryn, Dan, Andrea, and Nicole all finding the back of the net.  Noticeably missing from the score sheet? CW, not for lack of effort though, I was busy posting a shut out from net, no big deal (not that I didn't take a few full field cracks at the net, just wasn't meant to be last night).  

I was going to steal the game ball for myself, but upon further review its going to Nicole.  Notching goals, and stonewalling the opposition on defense multiple times, a great all around game. 

The post game handshake was a fairly contentious and surreal experience.  One member of team fat, stressed saying Happy Holidays to our team, but I couldn't help but feel as though he was saying it in a threatening manner.  I didn't know it was possible to make the phrase "Happy Holidays" sound like an invitation to fight, but this douche pulled it off.  

The villain of the game (Bobby Moynihan from SNL doppelganger) apologized for his previously insane actions.  Upon not receiving an apology in return from Mazz (for falling down when shoved I guess?) he proceed to mutter and rant under his breath and point fingers calling us "major dick heads." Good one.  You may want to consider finding another outlet for your insanity other than Co-ed B-League Soccer, I hear taking headers off bridges is good for people in your condition. 

Team record to date 3-3-1.  We've reached .500 coach.

People I Hate: Beer Snobs

I hate that frigen guy.  HATE.  Look, I enjoy a good beer every now and then, even buy a special sixer on the rare occasion that I feel like classing it up. But I absolutely loathe those among you that look down on us commoners going about our business sipping on one of the Holy Trinity (Bud, Budlight, Budlight Lime).  

Don't be an asshole or pretend like you have some sophisticated pallet that the rest of us don't have.  You know why I'm pounding this golden light beer instead of that glass of brown bread? Because I plan on staying out tonight and having an awesome time and worrying about Bud-Mud the next morning, not frantically searching for a bathroom stall to drop the inevitable enormous deuce you're going to have to in the next hour. Hey buddy, all that talk about hoppy aromas, bouquets and other lame shit, it all smells the same coming out the other end, doesn't it.

And to the 21 and 22 year olds who seem to get wrapped up in Beer Snobbery; I know your balls just dropped for the first time and you're now able to browse the liquor store instead of getting in and out with the Silver Bullet as fast as you can.  But guess what?  That micro brew you just bought? You didn't discover it.  And I know some of you try to do it to impress girls with your new found sophistication.  That's the dumbest idea you've had yet.  That girl at the bar? She's not impressed by your douchebaggery.  All she wants to know is if you're going to have enough cash after you just bought an 8 dollar beer to buy her next Cap n' Coke. 

So think before you drink this holiday season.  Is ordering that overly expensive beer and acting like a talking asshole worth it? Or would you be better off sticking to good old reliable Bud Light, or BL Lime if you're looking to spice it up.  Its delicious.

Kid Hates His Books From Santa

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Good for you kid.  I'd react the same way if I got books for Christmas.  Books, Turtlenecks, mittens and underwear. If you're a kid under the age of 8 those are just ruining your holiday season.

And I know as parents sometimes your kid just needs these things. It's part of being a good parent, you don't want to raise some illiterate, freezing cold, commando-freeballer, I get it.  But just don't expect your child to react like a bundle of joy when he's sees a box from JC Penny or Barnes & Noble on the label.  Kid wants a video game system mom and dad.

And before anyone tells me that video is old, or they've seen it elsewhere, just know I don't really give a shit.  Its new to me and I'm running this show.

HAPPY FESTIVUS EVERYONE!

 

Happy Festivus everyone, no snarky comments for this blog.  I'll air my grievances later today (and trust me, I got alot of problems with people).

If anyone is considering celebrating Festivus this year for the first time I highly suggest you check out this site for all your aluminum pole needs.

For the rest of you, check back shortly, it'll be another active day for the Alt-Tab.